moving toward freedom

what do you picture when you imagine going to a counsellor?

i have some past experiences with counselling - michael & i had pre-marital counselling with a wonderful couple. they would always make a delicious snack & the four of us would sit on couches, sipping coffee, we would ask questions or express concerns or things we were unsure about, and we always left feeling more confident than when we first got there.

in university i took a few counselling courses - one class in particular - we were sectioned off into groups of 3 - we signed confidentiality agreements, and then we would spend the 3 hours of class time being counsellors to one another. when we would get stuck, our prof (a counsellor) would step in and offer suggestions.

i think that when i first encountered this new grief - with losing my first nephew, Jay - i talked myself out of needing to see a counsellor because I "knew what they would say" - which isn't a negative thing, but rather, I thought that I could walk myself through all of that.

when i was in my university class, sometimes it felt like I had to really try to "come up" with something to share, for my classmates to 'counsel' me on - however, after the first 15 minutes, they would have uncovered a thought, or insecurity, or undealt with issue that I hadn't even been prepared to talk about! how interesting - that often when you go to deal with point A you discover that you also have point B, point C... etc!

i have officially made my first appointment to see the counsellor - and i am a

mixture of excited & fearful. excited because i am tired of living in this fog where I cry over commercials or become angry with michael over something that is not at all his fault. i am tired of ignoring my grief, and not sleeping because i feel weighed down. i am excited to take the first step towards healing. however, I am fearful. am i ready to actually face this grief that has changed my life? am i ready to face every issue/item/emotion etc that come

s up as a result? am i strong enough? am i prepared to make serious changes?

oddly enough - there is some strange comfort in sadness. in having an excuse for how you feel, or having people understand why you are not yourself. however - i am realizing it

is something that can be romanticized to keep you stuck - and that the deeper you get into it, the more you forget about freedom. grief has been an underlining theme over the past 2 1/2 years of my life - and its odd to think that i'm scared to re-learn how to be me, strange that fear can make me want to cling to the very thing that is debilitating me.

monday 10am. the first step towards a new, freer me.

standing or stumbling

honesty, insight & iced coffee

i named my blog with that title because those are 3 things that i really appreciate.

i love when people are honest with me. and i love when people take the time to hear my honesty.

i love sharing my insight on different things, and hearing other peoples input, opinions & thoughts.

and i love coffee! especially iced.. mmmm although, on this snowy christmas eve morning, my coffee is HOT! :)

this week i have learned about honesty on a new level.

after reading a friends blog about where she is at in life right now, with all it's struggles, i realized that i was really resonating with her words. i so appreciated the honesty that she wrote with, and it really helped me see how i've been struggling, and how freeing it is, to put your struggles into words.

i think that i have been walking through a very deep grief, with stress and depression thrown into the mix. every monday, the week looks longer than i can handle, and my health, my home and my sanity are all taking the hit because of it!

on monday night i was able to sit with my family, first my brother&sister and then my parents, and was able to share thoughts and have them pray over me/us and with me/us. i am SO thankful that we never walk through life alone.

i have so much more to share about this, but i think it will just come out in snip-its. i am going to soak up the next couple of days, celebrating christmas with my family, relaxing, laughing, dwelling in Jesus, and moving ahead a step at a time.

once again, jon bullers music has been a gift to my soul. last year my mom gave me his cd 'broken drum' that (i believe) he wrote a lot of while walking through a depression. there is always such hope in his music, with Jesus ever present. lately this song "falling" has been playing on repeat, and the lyrics help put some of my emotions into words.

in the terrible thunder, in the shaking of earth and sky

shadows in the valley, in the meeting of You and I

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling, I know You're healing me

the melting of springtime feeds the stream that I'm planted by

the wind whispers gently, to live you must learn to die

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling, I know You are healing me

hear my cry for help I'm falling

my king and my God hold my heart, I'm falling

my need is greater than its ever been

in the midst of the morning, in the shade of the evening sun

in the colours of autumn, a new season has begun

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling, I know you are healing me

hear my cry for help, I'm falling

My king and my God, hold my heart I'm falling

Hear my cry for help I'm falling

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling

I know You're healing me

share

i really like all of the decor at starbucks this year. i like the ideas of sharing stories and that our stories are gifts! share your stories this christmas. with friends, with family, with coworkers, with strangers.. share!

fly on the wall, dabbling in nail painting

i think i'm a snoop by nature
i love people watching
i love overhearing random conversations
i don't actually care (normally) about the content of the conversation, but I love watching how people interact
i love seeing who is driving in the cars beside me, so much so that sometimes people think i'm rudely staring at them
i love reading memoirs of peoples lives & thoughts
i love reading old letters
as a kid i used to read my brothers journal whenever i could sneak into his room
i loved knowing what he was thinking (older cooler brothers don't normally share all of their secrets and thoughts with their younger pesky sisters!)
there are times when i would love to be a fly on the wall to many conversations

when i was younger this got me into some trouble. because see.. i have a snoopy side, but i also do not deal well with guilt! so if you are reading this wondering if i've ever snooped on something of yours.. stop worrying. i would have already admitted it to you by now! so i have tried to get out all my snoopiness just by people watching.

last night i was painting nails at the PCH that i work at. its one of my favorite things that i do at my job because i get to spend 1-1 time with residents, and they always feel prettier or 'better' or more positive afterward. they always spend a lot of time thanking me, and apologizing for not 'paying' me. (i tell them i only accept payment in the forms of smiles, hugs and thank you's - which often results in me getting all 3!) anyway, last night i was painting nails in the dining room & 2 gentlemen were sitting at the same table as us, i will call them D & J.

J is new to our facility. A very kind & gentle man, but very confused. D is one of my favorite men, very helpful and very entertaining! also very confused. I don't know if you have ever witnessed a conversation between 2 people with alzheimers, but it's like they can understand one another in some strange way. even if what they are saying doesn't actually make any sense, it does to them! so here sat D & J, like old pals. each with a mug of hot chocolate and a cinnamon swirl, chatting. the conversation went something like this
J: So, where are you working these days?
D: Oh, you know.
J: Ah yes, yes.
D: You?
J: The same.
D: That's great.
J: Do you work a lot?
D: Ya, here and there.
J: What kind of hours?
D: You know, as they need me!
*insert hearty chuckle from both men here*
J: So, what do you think you'll get up to tomorrow?
D: A little of this, a little of that.
J: Sounds great. Hey, what are those ladies doing there?
(pointing at me painting a lady's nails)
D: Working with the hands. But.. *now he is speaking in hushed tones* if anyone ever sees it, they paint RIGHT OVER IT!
*insert more hearty chuckling*
J: Ahhhh, I know nothing about that kind of thing.
D: Oh no? I do.
J: Really?
D: Yup, I dabble in it once & a while!

It actually made my day. A conversation where nothing made sense in reality, but it did not matter. They were chatting & visiting like old friends, and who cares if it didn't actually "make sense".. it did to them! And with D dabbling in nail painting once & a while.. who knows.. maybe I'll have someone else that wants his nails painted next time :)

needing a break - and what i know forsure

how does anyone ever know 100% what they want to do in life?

i really love both of my jobs right now, but i would not recommend working 2 jobs to anyone!

even though i love the work at both places, i just really want a break! feeling like i'm constantly running makes me feel like maybe i don't actually enjoy the work! but then i go to the job, and i really truly love the work. i don't think the job is actually the problem.. maybe just exhaustion??

when i was in the last year and a half of my music therapy degree, i knew with 99% of my being that it wasn't actually the right thing for me. how did I not see that from the beginning? because of that experience, it makes me nervous about investing time, money and energy into the next degree/diploma or whatever. i don't want to be one of those people that changes their mind every few years about what they want to do!

here is what i know forsure:

• i love being a wife. if we could afford it, i would love to be a homemaker, and spend my time volunteering at things that I love rather than working.
• eventually i want to be a mom and spend the majority of my time just pouring into my children
• i love the idea of improving quality of life. that is what i LOVE about therapeutic recreation, and that is what i loved about music therapy. it's what i love about any program or relationship or activity that encourages and builds people up.
• i love building relationships, and being a friend to people who need it. i have some ladies at the personal care home that could go a whole week without a hug, so even if I just offer a hug a few times a week.. that relationship is important!
• i would love to work at mom's retreat house in the future. whether that be by baking or cooking, cleaning, esthetics (i still think about pursuing that!) or something else.. i would love that.

so i know some things forsure.. that's gotta be a good start.. right?

another day of grace.

it has been so long since i have written, and so much has happened

i'm attempting to study for my exam right now.. but i have given up for the time being.

i've been thinking a lot lately about two things: apathy and bitterness.

i wonder which one is worse? or maybe they are just both not good.

i think that often when a situation happens that causes hurt or a broken relationship it is very difficult to not dwell in that hurt, and allow that hurt to turn to bitterness. i have been thinking about this a lot lately as i feel like there is some hurt in my life that i have allowed to turn into bitterness. i'm struggling with our church community, and feeling as though there are things that i'm not ok with, or have been hurt by, or whatever.. and I need to step back from that. but oh, how i have realized that i have held my church life & my faith life so closely in the same grasp!

the church is the body of Christ - but it is not Christ - it is a human, it is imperfect. it causes hurt and disappointment. it makes mistakes and sometimes forgets to extend grace. it can act as the hands and feet of Jesus. it can extend the true love & grace of Jesus, but how quickly we remain human.

i feel that apathy can be very hurtful, and i feel that sometimes in our faith lives we become apathetic. the beauty of grace is that Jesus continues to love & accept us regardless of how much we fail him. but that is not an invitation to be apathetic! what a realization.

i loved listening to my grandma pray. i have missed that this past month. there were some weeks that I had the privilege of praying with her, or hearing her pray every single day. my grandma was not perfect, but oh, she was good! she was loving, and faithful. she was hard working and selfless. she didn't have an apathetic bone in her body! she had many trials in her life, many things to over come. she became so sick in the last month especially, but even then, she was not apathetic or selfish in her faith. every time she started praying she would say "thank you Lord, for another day of grace". acknowledging the gift, remaining faithful to Jesus by thanking Him for his continuous faithfulness, grace & love.

i think that acknowledging God's grace to us daily is one way to dispel bitterness. to be reminded of grace extended to us so that we realize the importance of extending it to others. never taking that grace for granted. doing away with apathy, and choosing to let go of bitterness & hurt. another day of grace!

loss

i looked up the word loss in the dictionary and there were 15 definitions
i have been thinking a lot about "loss" lately -
thinking about how it is so different for every person, every situation, and even different for the same person on different days.
this blog post is not at all to compare my situation with anyone else.
i know - for a fact! - that i am not the only person that has experienced loss
as well, i know that there are people that have experienced losses that i never have
so this is pure & simple - and strictly about me.

sometimes i wonder if my life has forgotten that i am only 25.
some days i read in my journal things that i have written
or i look at my eyes in the morning from a night full of tears
and wonder if other 25 year olds feel this old inside.
at 25 i have experienced losses that have changed me (i think all loss changes us, but i mean really changed me)
i look at pictures of myself - and my family - from 2-3 years ago and we look different
i think loss has broken parts of myself that are still quite tender
i think loss has taught me a deeper appreciation
a deeper love
i think loss has taught me about friendships and honesty
i think it has exposed
i think loss has brought me closer to other friends who have gone thru or are going thru loss
its made me value laughter, family, touch & faith
it has shown me a deeper, wider, more extravagant loving & faithful Jesus than i had known before.

we are on the verge of another loss. we have been walking through this loss for the last 3 months. we have cried tears, sang songs, prayed in thanksgiving and prayed with requests. we have had times of renewed energy - times to tell grandma why we love her, how much we love her & how thankful we are. i personally have had time to pray with her & over her. asking Jesus to intervene and even to take her home.

loss. in my mind it can be defined in way more than 15 ways. loss is different for me each day, in each circumstance. i was reading in my magazine today about 3 women who lost their husbands in afganistan & one woman said this:
"people tell me that time heals, but it's more like time lets you put a layer of gauze over the hurt. Sometimes it holds and sometimes things leak through."

loss for me is very real. it is not something i wish to sweep away or ignore. i will not lie about the way my heart hurts. but in this situation - in this loss - my loss is her gain. oh to be in the presence of Jesus amidst the angels and the heavenly hosts.

it is well with my soul.

four friends.

alzheimers.

that word pulls different heart strings for me than it did a few months ago.

i'm nearing the end of the 2nd month of working at the personal care home and i am continuing to love it.

i love to share my stories of the way these people have found their way into my heart. ways they make me laugh and ways that they have opened my heart up to their own grief and circumstance.

oh how i wish you could all know them. my new and very dear friends.. their personalities, their stories, their history, their quirks. i have been told often in the last couple of months "thats wonderful what you're doing, but i'm glad its you & not me" - i realize that not everyone is cut out to spend their days 'hanging with seniors' - but for me, it is truly a privilege and something that i deeply love. without breaking their confidentiality, i would like to tell you about a few of my dear friends.

i will change their names, but i would like to tell you about four special people. rita, susie, nicole and ted.

rita. rita loves the color blue. she does not like the color purple, although she will wear her purple dress when everything else is in the laundry. she loves to have her nails painted a color called "pink shock". she collects newspaper articles and 'steals' fake flowers off the bulletin boards & displays. rita has dentures but never bothers to wear them. her smile is contagious and her laughter is constant. rita loves life. she has lived at the PCH for almost 15 years but her outlook on life is positive. she's an encourager in games 'slow & steady now... slow & steady' and a consistent cheer leader. rita's mind has been attacked by alzheimers but her heart has not. she speaks bluntly but loves constantly. i look forward to seeing rita every time i work.

susie. susie loves to walk. continually walking, observing, gathering. susie will pick up anything you put down and will carry it to wherever she is going. susie loves to sing. she loves music. alzheimers has viciously attacked susies mind and it can be quite hard for her to get past those barriers. if you are patient with susie, if you sing to susie, if you encourage susie.. she communicates. she will sing with you, and smile at you. she will tell you she loves you or that she appreciates you. i get a hug daily from susie, she is a very special lady.

nicole. nicole is a fiesty lady. she likes to "hop" behind her walker so that she exercises and never becomes lazy. nicole used to be a nurse - a well known - much appreciated nurse. nicole never married, never had children but she has some wonderful caring mothering qualities. alzheimers has made nicole very confused, but has not attacked her caring spirit. you can still she her nursing care come out in the way she folds laundry, the way she asks about other residents. the other night i found nicole sitting very quietly beside her bed. the blankets had been stripped and folded and she was looking somber. i asked her what was wrong and she told me that the woman who normally lays in that bed has suddenly passed away. no one had been there, so she was going to stay so the lady wouldn't be alone. the alzheimers has made her unaware of her reality a lot of the time, but i was given a glimpse into the way she cared for her patients in the past. the way she sat there, lovingly caring for the lady that was all alone. i love knowing and caring for nicole!

and ted. dear ted! i love coming out of the elevator and seeing ted smiling at me. often waiting for me to show up to take him to the entertainment. ted loves to nap during the day. he always wears slippers and he is often quiet. he loves bingo, loves popcorn twists. he loves music but does not enjoy singing because he thinks he isn't any good! he doesn't know Jesus, but his heart is tender and kind and he is a consistent encouragement. his heart is soft and visible in the way he speaks and acts. ted tells me constantly how thankful he is for the PCH and for each one of us. the world needs more teds.

alzheimers. a vicious horrible disease. but what a gift to be able to have time to look past it and learn about my friends. their history, their quirks, their loves, what makes them laugh and what pulls on their heart strings. my wonderful, dear special friends!

mountains

i used to want to be a writer - because i liked the feeling of the keyboard, the sound of how it clicked and watching my thoughts appear on the screen ahead of me
i used to want to be a trucker - because i could eat donuts all day and burp without anyone telling me not to (i was much younger when this was my dream...)
i used to want to be a speech therapist - to help people overcome issues that keep them from being able to fully express themselves, and help people overcome obstacles in their way
i currently still wish to be a rec therapist - i am currently working part time as one - but i don't yet get to do the job entirely (charting etc) because i am not yet done the schooling
right now though.. right now.. i just want to be settled.

i feel like i'm surrounded by mini mountains - mini obstacles.
trusting God & following a .4 job - which caused me to run face first into a new mountain of leaving a full time job. those of you who have heard the whole story know the ins & outs of this situation.
it is hard for me because i feel out of control.. i'm job sharing my position as they look for my replacement and i feel as though i'm constantly sorting my way out of a foggy foggy day. i sort the work, the emails, the letters, the cheques, the orders, the invoices, the messages into piles and start.. one by one.

i'm waiting to hear back from one potential job, and trying to fully decide about a 2nd interview i've been offered for another position. clarity? i suppose the best way to find clarity in this is on my knees - prayer & trust. sounds so easy!

thankfully amongst all of these mountains there are beautiful sights. multiple hugs a day from one of my ladies, an encouraging "you're really good at helping us" from one of my favorite gentlemen, an invitation back for future conversations with a lady that is normally very quiet, a tearful moment with a very special lady going through loss, the sound of my nephew learning new "words" to babble, the sight of wratw coming to fruition, the fact that my grandma still has the same humor - trust - faith - love despite all of her circumstances, and last night - the invitation from one of my ladies to "watch my favorite television show with me" she said she'd been hoping all day to bump into me so she could invite me to 'hang out'

such wonderful things. now if only i could feel settled!

oh what peace we often forfeit
oh what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer...

a song i've sung to my grandma a few times over the last week - so true for me everyday.
trust & pray!

happy anniversary to us!

last night as i was about to fall asleep i said to michael "two years ago tonight, i could barely sleep with excitement!"

and i woke up today thinking "two years ago i woke up for the most fabulous day, when i married my best friend!!"

two years ago... in some ways it seems like just the other day, and in other ways it feels like way more than 2 years (in a good way!)

i think that michael & i have had to go through many things that most people our age have not dealt with and maybe never will. i think that we had to lean on one another in ways that newlyweds normally don't have to worry about! but I am so glad for my man. so glad for the way we have walked through grief and hard times together. so glad that he was there to see Jay. so glad he was there by my side anxiously awaiting Everett. so glad he has been by my side as we work through church life. and so thankful for the way he is ok with my many tears as i go over this rollercoaster of emotion with grandma's health. so glad that he gets to work side by side with my dad & brother making the retreat centre become a reality! we are in this life, side by side.

yesterday i was sitting & visiting with one of my ladies at the carehome, and i was asking her all about her family etc. i asked her to tell me about when she met her husband, when they got married etc. and she told me that this summer they celebrated 70 years! 70!!! i asked her if she loved her husband more today than she did when she married him, and she said "well... Yes. in so many ways i love him way more. but i also worry about him way more! but no, i just love him" i told her that my goal was to be celebrating my 70th anniversary one day too :)

michael - i love you, you are my best friend! i love that you laugh at my jokes, that you listen to my stories and tell me your thoughts and dreams. i love waking up beside you and doing life side by side with you. two years ago we made a promise in front of all of our family, friends and God to love one another forever and I am happy to have the privilege to do just that! happy anniversary, i love you!

your praise goes on

your praise goes on : jon buller

the moon is high and the sunset fades, lullabies have all been sung

we're tucking in another day - stars appear now one by one

the stillness moves and the silence yields, not a single beat is lost

you can hear the chorus in the fields - taking up where we left off

and your praise goes on

rising to Your throne

where you guide us while we dream

past the stars they fly

your praises fill the sky

till the setting of the sun

and Your praise goes on

bring your warmth oh morning sun, chase the stars and the moon away

wake us with your brightest dawn - add our voice to your refrain

rise up everything that lives, clap your hands and leap for joy

forest lift your arms and sway - clap your hands you ocean waves

and your praise goes on

rising to Your throne

where you bless our toil and play

through the clouds they rise

your praises fill the skies

till the setting of the sun

and Your praise goes on

when my final breath you lend

I'll thank you for the life you've gave

but that won't mean the praises end

cause I won't be silenced by the grave

and Your praise goes on

I'll be running to your throne

with every nation tribe and tongue

to your arms I'll fly

I'll gaze into your eyes

then I'll know, as I am known

and Your praise goes on

and Your praise goes on

and Your praise goes on...

being home in the morning is a new privilege for me with my new job. two mornings a week I can be home, alone. or do errands or sleep or read or pray or sing... the mornings are a gift to me. this morning my aunt had emailed me asking me about pictures of my grandma and songs that we could use for her slideshow. Auntie Corinna and I worked on grandpa's slideshow together last time as well, and it was very special to be able to show it to him before he died. Maybe we'll have the same privilege with Grandma. the above song is one that just brought tears to my eyes thinking about Grandma meeting Jesus.

truth is - Grandma is likely leaving us very shortly. her cancer is out of control. her calcium and creatine levels are higher than they should ever be. her blood is low and getting lower. a few days ago she was so confused that all I could do was weep beside her bed.

I wrote on facebook the other day that "preparing to let go of someone is a little easier when you know she is longing to run into the arms of Jesus". I believe that Grandma has glimpses of heaven. that she is ready to run to Jesus.

Leah and I were talking about Heaven the other day and I love the way she was describing it to me the way she sees it because it fit the way that I see it as well. we don't think it will be this huge "zoom" of transformation from this world to the next. but rather it will be like the perfect and complete feeling of content. of being home. everyone you have ever loved will be there. and you will be known. I believe that Grandma is so ready to feel that love wash over her. I believe she is getting glimpses of sitting next to Grandpa again, of hearing his voice and no longer feeling like half of her is gone. I think he is ready to have her by his side again.

I will always miss her, this side of heaven. but I am so ready to let her run and gaze into the eyes of Jesus.

and Your praise goes on...

twenties girl

chick lit - is genre fiction within women's fiction which addresses issues of modern women often humorously and lightheartedly. Although sometimes it includes romantic elements, it is generally not considered a direct subcategory of the romance novel genre, because in chick lit the heroine's relationships with her family or friends may be just as important as her romantic ones

over the last couple of years i've re-realized my love of reading. i love to get lost in a novel, in the characters & relationships. sometimes i get so involved in the story line that i will jump ahead on the page to try & get a sneak peak as to how the conversation on the page will work itself out. sometimes i'll cry with the characters, or laugh outloud. often i can not do much else until i'm done reading it, and then feel a little put-off that my relationship with these characters is over, and does not come alive outside of the pages!

this weekend i've been lost in a sophie kinsella novel. i think she is a wonderfully clever writer. it may not be anything earth shattering but the story line weaves in and out of itself & many times i feel personally invested in her characters. this novel is called "twenties girl" and i feel like it couldn't have come at a better time in my life... not because i'm in my twenties - although that seems like the obvious connection.

tomorrow i am starting a new job. walking into the doors of the therapeutic recreation world for the first official time. there have been teeny glimmers of nervousness, but in general i am just very truly excited. i love the idea of working to improve quality of life - dignity - respect - enjoyment! how does this connect to a piece of chick-lit you may ask? well.. allow me to make the connection

the main character in the story is Lara, and her great-aunt Sadie has passed away & comes back as a ghost, asking Lara to help her find this old necklace. whenever Sadie appears, she is back in her twenties. she died at 105, but she felt the most alive in her 20's. Lara goes on a date for Sadie, complete in a flapper dress, and dances the charleston... all for Sadie. At one point Lara decides to go back to Sadie's care home, and she brings along some CD's from the 20's - an era that many of the seniors would have lived through. And this is the portion that i just loved:

on the other side of the room, an old man sitting under a tartan blanket with a tank of oxygen next to him turns his head. I can see the light of recognition coming on in faces around the room. Somebody starts humming along in a quavery voice. One woman even begins tapping her hand, her whole self lit up with pleasure...

i feel a sudden lump in my throat as i watch. They are all Sadie inside, aren't they? They're all in their twenties inside. All that white hair and wrinkled skin is just cladding. The old man with the oxygen tank was probably once a dashing heartthrob. That woman with distant rheumy eyes was once a mischievous young girl who played pranks on her friends. They were all young with love affairs and friends and parties and an endless life ahead of them..

and as I'm standing there, the weirdest thing happens. It's as if I can see them, the way they were. I can see their young, vibrant selves, rising up out of their bodies, shaking off their old-ness, starting to dance with each other to the music. They're all dancing the Charleston, kicking up their heels skittishly, their hair dark and strong, their limbs lithe again, and they're laughing, clutching each other's hands, throwing back their heads, revelling in it -

where the world sees a room full of the negativities of oldness - i see a room full of life, personality - of twenties guys & girls.

simply taking life & rest and joy & peace

i have been meaning to sit down and write for SO long

and now i find myself with a couple of hours to kill in the toronto airport, so i will finally update.

once again, i have found myself in a very busy & full life

i am just returning from a mini-vaction of sorts

i flew to toronto on wednesday and spent a few days with jo, then picked up cheryl in hamilton and spent the next couple of days with her and adrienne. last night we had the privilege of witnessing our dear friend, Lauren, exchange vows with her love!

the service brought me right back to my wedding day, and the bittersweet-ness of it

don't get me wrong, my day was so sweet. so wonderful and dreamlike and near perfection

but the entire day, i was missing Jay - and i knew that the day would have only been better had he been there. such grief amid a very happy day.

Lauren lost her mom this past winter, and i couldn't help but imagine Marilyn soaking it all in the entire day. watching the sparkle of lauren's dress in the sunlight, the twinkle in her eyes as she spoke to Gary

the smell of her flowers (her mom's favorite ones) or the way Marilyn's jewelery fell perfectly around Lauren's neck. the savory meal and the taste of the many desserts at the buffet as they would have rolled over her tongue. i imagined the way she would have watched Lauren and the way she would have walked together with her husband.

tears rolled down my cheeks as i listened to her Dad share words written by her mom a few years ago, and as he spoke with such love for their daughter, my dear friend!

he was, as Lauren put it, the perfect mother of the bride & an even better father of the bride

bitter-bitter-sweet.

some things just do not make sense to us - cancer being one of those things.

while being away this week, i have missed sitting beside my grandma's bed, chatting with her as the cancer is over taking her body, but not her spirit.

she has the same sparkle in her eyes, and the same sweet laughter.

the other day i sat by her bed and sang over her, and together we lifted our eyes and hearts heavenward. she nodded along as i sang

tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

just to take him at his word

just to rest upon his promise

and to know, "thus saith the Lord"

Jesus Jesus - how I trust him!

how I've proved him over & o'er

Jesus Jesus - precious Jesus

oh for grace to trust him more

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus

just to trust his cleansing blood

and in simple faith to plunge me

'neath the healing, cleansing flood

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

just from sin and self to cease;

just from Jesus simply taking

Life & rest, and joy & peace

I'm so glad I learned to trust You.

Precious Jesus, Savior - friend.

and I know that You are with me

will be with me to the end

Jesus Jesus - how we trust you!

How we've proved you over & o'er

Jesus Jesus - precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust You more...

trusting Jesus makes the bittersweet sweeter.

flips and spins. and holding on!

i am a big fan of rollercoasters

the faster the better

the more flips, the more fun!

i was having a conversation with my friends youngest son the other day

we were sitting in their van chatting

and he was telling me about how much he loves rollercoasters

he was quite impressed when i said that i love them too

and we both claimed to love them more than the other person ever could!

we decided that we would just have to ride some rollercoasters together in the future so that we could settle that conversation :)

the last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of another - less fun - variety

i feel like the summer has been a blur. between mom&dad's move, my work conference, weddings, traveling, working, heat wave... it's just been a big blur.

last week the rollercoaster took some more extreme heights and extreme lows.

grandma had another scare with her health, and i was preparing to say goodbye to her

on saturday i sat in the hospital basically all day, and i spent some time praying that Jesus would take her home.

but the rollercoaster has taken some more twists and turns as she has been improving. i am SO thankful for the amount of time i'm able to spend sitting with her, and i would not trade this for the world.

the rollercoaster continues to move as her cancer has spread.

i'm learning that Jesus wants to ride along with me, with us.

grandma has an exceptional way of rolling with life as it comes. i think she is ready to see Jesus.

to see grandpa, and omi. to hold Jay and play with him amongst the angels. to see her Dad who she last saw when she was 6.

ready, but also still ever present in loving being with us while she is.

trying to trust. with every twist & turn.

forever in my heart. always on my mind.

its been 2 years

my sweet little nephew, i wonder what you would be like

i imagine the smell of your skin

the sound of your voice

and your touch

you are on my mind everyday

i think of you whenever i see the wild daisies growing

i think of you whenever i look at your little brother.

he looks so much like you, but he is his own little man.

i think of you when i sing

when i drive

when i go for a walk

you have changed my life

you made me an auntie

losing you broke my heart

and it is slowly coming together

but you will forever hold a piece, and i will never be the same.

i love you so much

and so wish that i could know you.

happy birthday sweet little Jay.

i am spending Jay's birthday at the wedding of one of my dearest friends

i am able to sing in a choir that they are having, a gospel choir

a new experience for me, but i believe it is something God is using to remind me of how much he loves us, and how much he loves Jay

the words in the choir song are taken from the wedding scripture

i think that singing these words aloud on Jay's birthday is God's reminder to me that He is sovereign amidst the grief & despair

christ will deliver us

instead of ashes a crown of gladness

christ will restore us

instead of mourning the oil of joy

christ will renew us

not despair but a garment of praise

christ will rebuild us

and plant us as oaks of righteousness

i miss you so much.

ache

heavy heart

feeling half a world away

contemplating the co-existance

of faith

and grief

of trust

and robbery

of a perfect little boy

taken 2 years ago

and another sweet boy

taken today

heavy heart

tear stained pillows

stillness

ache

and then there were 3

i am so happy to be able to say i'm a proud 'auntie' to another sweet little man! i say "auntie" because it's not a blood relation, but the babe of our best friends, who i plan to love & spoil as much as possible!!

yesterday afternoon, sweet little joel david plett was born! he is ridiculously cute, and is a perfect sized little bundle.

they called us on saturday evening (11pm) to tell us that they were on their way to the hospital. i hardly slept at all because i was so excited. however, i woke up with a heart full of anxiety. it's 2 weeks away from the day we met & said goodbye to Jay. my heart is forever changed, and my outlook on life is too.. i tried to distract myself, but just felt useless. i went to the backyard to pray and journal and read my bible. the song "we fall down... we lay our crowns, at the feet of Jesus.." came on my ipod and i started to sob. i felt paralyzed by fear and anxiety. i have loved this little baby from the minute we were told matt & shauna were pregnant. i've been anticipating his arrival and praying for him often! i asked my sisters & mom's to pray. pray for my dear friend (going through days of labour!) and for my heart to be still. as i was praying i kept hearing over & over again.. that the "fuller" my heart is with Jesus.. the less room there is left over for anxiety. so i continued to pray all day.

and praise be to God.. at 2:12 pm... joel entered the world screaming/crying. amazing.

that evening i stood there, just looking at him & trying to soak him in as much as possible before I go to BC (SO GLAD he came before that!!!!) and thanking God that this couple that we love is now a family of 3.
we cry holy holy holy.. is the Lord

to write.

i used to say i wanted to be a writer because i liked to type

i like watching the letters appear on the screen, and that my fingers know exactly which keys to press.

i like that these letters turn into words, into sentences, into thoughts and ideas.

i like that i can sit down to type and find it relatively easy to express my thoughts.

i've often wondered if those thoughts that play over and over in my head are a "sign" of something that is true, or in this case, should be pursued.

funnily enough, i used to say as a kid that i wanted to be a trucker when i grew up because i liked to burp/fart when i wanted to, and i could eat donuts all day! and.. well lets just say I'm glad that thought didn't get pursued and pan out! :)

i think the idea of being a writer is much the same as the way i now view music therapy. and that would be that.. just because i really like something, doesn't mean it would be the right fit for me. i have not yet at all regretted quitting that degree when i did, nor do i at all regret taking it in the first place.

basically what i've learned, is that i love to sing. i love to make music. i love to interact with the elderly and children with special needs. i love to write, and i love to explore my creativity.. but i do those things best when it's a choice to do them!!

even with this blog, sometimes i can not think of a single thing to write, if the reason behind writing is that i HAVE to write something!

so.. i will not be a 'writer'.. i'll just continue to be me, and write as i will :)

which brings me to right now.. lounging in my back yard, with the sun kissing my skin. my hair is wet from a recent shower, and i can smell my load of laundry running its course downstairs. it has been a good day, relaxing with my man, having lunch with my in laws and helping my parents at the new land. the lawn is freshly cut, and all feels well.

i think i'll finish this beautiful summer day with a big slice (or two) of watermelon that is chilling in my fridge. hope you all enjoyed the sun!

4 years later.

4 years ago today i lost one of the most important people in my life

my grandpa klassen lived a good life, a really good life!

he was honest yet kind

gentle yet strong and hard working

loyal and servant hearted

compassionate yet stood for what he believed in

funny but wise

stern but soft

my grandpa battled with a horrible cancer, and it was horrible to watch his body withering away while his mind was exactly the same. he fought to take bites of food, and i even have a video where he finally had an appetite again, and he wanted me to film it because 'grandma would never believe us if we told her!' in the video he enjoys every bite and smiles the whole way through.

when my grandpa was really sick he was moved to riverview health centre, and i had the privilege of walking over there many afternoon/evenings to talk to him and tell him all about my adventures. it was in those visits that i got to tell my grandpa all about this "boy i fancied" (aka MICHAEL!). my grandpa never formally met michael, but he had this little twinkle in his eye as he listened to me talk about him, and i'm so grateful for the influence my grandpa had in that relationship for me.

4 years ago yesterday i spent the evening with my family, surrounding grandpa and saying our goodbyes. 4 years ago yesterday i stayed in the room with only my grandma and grandpa and sang hymns and worship songs while holding his hand. 4 years ago i wept while singing, and silently thanked Jesus for this time i was able to spend uninterrupted with my grandpa. 4 years ago i told him that i would miss him, but that i loved him more than i could explain.

4 years ago today while the fireworks from canada day were exploding outside my grandpa slipped out of this world into one that was cancer free. i think it was a sign of God celebrating the entrance of my grandpa into his heavenly kingdom.

4 years later i still think about the sound of his voice, the strength of his hands and his kind heart. i still think about phoning their house and hearing him answer. i still think about the times i walked to their place and chatted at the island while he made 'german pancakes' for us to share. i still think about watching him and grandma working side by side in the back yard or in the garden. i still remember his smell, the twinkle in his eyes and the security in his hugs. 4 years later i still miss him as much as the day he left.

loss is never easy, nor do i think it can ever be explained away or brushed over. 4 years later, crying tears of missing him is just another way that affirms how much he means to me.

for the love of laundry

i love the smell of fresh laundry.
i love seeing a line of clean laundry hanging to dry on a line in a backyard.. that is really something I should put up in my yard.

I've been in a "get it done" mind set for the last few days, where if I think of something I'd like to do I just sit down & do it! examples:

Tuesday came home & it was HOT in the house. so.. i marched on down to the basement, found the air conditioner window unit and carried it upstairs. i hoisted it onto the counter (and accidentally put a BIG scratch on the counter... oops!) only to discover that the window space was too small. so, after a lot of monkeying around (and a few outfit changes later - it was hot, and i was not wearing the right thing for scrambling around on the counter) i figured out how to get the window popped out. in went the air conditioner, and off i went to find something else to fill the space. 1 plastic tub & many grocery bags later.. VOILA. air conditioning. my kitchen has never been happier.

yesterday - i decided i was tired of having such a messy office. so, one disc of the OC and 2 1/2 solid hours of organizing & purging.. VOILA. clean & organized office.

next on my list.. flowerbeds, the guestroom, my wardrobe and maybe eventually painting some rooms. and perhaps adding a laundry line to my list. could be fun.

funny.. i was originally going to write about what the smell of laundry reminds me of, guess this post had a mind of its own.

the smell reminds me of being in guatemala, where they all do laundry outside so the smell of laundry soap wafts through the air. it reminds me of sleeping over at my grandparents (klassen), and grandma would put fresh sheets on the hide-a-bed. it reminds me of being in my backyard as a kid, helping my mom. it reminds me of the summer breeze, refreshment and relaxation. mmm who knew laundry could be so delicious?

Judge for yourself how great is the one
Who lives in God – whose God is love
Like an iron when left in embers bright
Everything if fire – everything is light
Oh Love, how beautiful You are
Oh flame of joy within my heart

Burning ember
I remember Love’s first light in me
I was cold then
Like a stone when I saw Your flickering
Oh what beauty as You drew near me
I could scarcely speak
Somehow I knew
I would be new in your glowing

Judge for yourself if a fire isn’t safe
When cities fall before her face
Yet a flower can endure the course of a storm
When bowing to the tempest’s rage
Oh Love, more fierce than all the rest
Oh raging joy within my breast

Burning ember
I remember Love’s first light in me
I was cold then
Like a stone when I saw Your flickering
Burn forever
Let me never curse the pain You bring
Somehow I know
I will be whole in Your burning

burning ember : steve bell

not sad, just nostalgic. cozying up on memory lane.

do you ever have one of those moments where you are totally content about where you are in life, and wouldn't trade it... but still find yourself wishing you could go back to another time?

i'm having one of those days.
i am so content with life, being married to michael, having two wonderful families, a good job, a cozy house, experiences that have shaped me to who i am... but finding myself wishing i could travel in time and be back on the outtatown program. maybe it has to do with the book i'm reading (the time travellers wife) - he can re-experience things over and over again. some good.. and some hard. but more so than that, i think it has to do with things that trigger my memory, and allowing myself to sit comfy and cozy within that memory.

that year wasn't without it's obstacles... i distinctly remember crying with my dad on the first day of the second semester, asking to him to not make me go. but there were so many great things about that year. so many people that i miss being able to sit with, parts of my faith relationship that were so different than they are now. funny stories, carefree evenings, staying up late singing and chatting.

i miss what it felt like to hug emily, and lauren, and jo (i still get in some hugs from adrienne & cheryl in the few times i actually get around to seeing them!!). i miss listening to bucky and andy playing on their guitars for hours, sometimes letting us fall asleep while they played. i miss sipping liquados and munching on chocobananos. i miss what it felt like to be jammed into the chicken buses. i miss singing with derek. .. so many fond memories.

i wouldn't trade what i have to go back there, but it is one of those days where i wish i could cozy up in memory lane for the entire day. today it was the weakerthans that brought me back there. music is the biggest trigger for me. if i close my eyes, i can almost imagine the rest of my memory coming to the present. the sights and the smells and the tactile feelings.

In the stick count for the song with knowing you're gone
Glancing up at where you lived when you lived here
I see you suddenly alive and nearly smiling
Stop and hold my breath and watch the way we used to be

The full moon makes our faces shine like over-ironed polyester
Then disappears behind the clouds
And leaves me under empty rows of night windows

We could walk to where these streets get pulled together
Blinking, lined with gravel, shoulder squared towards an end
Where the radio resounds from doppling traffic
Where the power lines steal lessons from the hourly news
night windows : the weakerthans

all for one and one for all

started my day out with an iced coffee.. and a fresh perspective.

the last few days i've had the same 2 songs floating around in my head.
song 1 - he loves us - sung by Jesus Culture
song 2 - take everything - seventh day slumber

song #2 just came on my computer, and it always catches me & really resonates with me. some parts of it not as much, but as a whole, i feel like the song is a bit of what my journey with "community" & "church" is right now. i'm learning that it should always start with, end with, and always be about Jesus. and only Jesus. i am learning that no matter what hurt & frustration is there because of our humanness... never changes Jesus. how thankful i am that he continually picks up the pieces of my heart. sometimes its like i can physically feel him holding it all together for me.

there are a few lyrics from 'he loves us' that have been especially significant for me. you know how sometimes you sing a song over & over and then a new piece of it is 're-revealed' to you? i love that. i was reading chads blog the other day, and read the lyrics of this song. then i went to my piano and played it. cried it. wept it. sang it. whispered it. i'm going to share those few lines & then the lyrics from song #2. it's all about Jesus.

all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions - eclipsed by glory - how great his affections are for me.

he is our portion. WE are his prize. if grace is an ocean we're all sinking.

take everything: seventh day slumber:

another melody, another empty song
i tell myself that i have praised you
and try and make believe this is all you want
but once again i know i've missed it

praising you is not just the songs i sing
Jesus here I am, take everything

take the pain inside, take the brokenness
don't stop 'til there's nothing left
my arrogance, my pride, the loss of innocence
Jesus take everything

all things sweet & delicious.

the day is not yet done.. but so far it has been a sweet one.
my lunch is about over, and then i will get back into finishing up one of the many things on my to-do list
i love to-do lists.. well, actually i have a "to do folder" because it's slightly easier to organize, and my thoughtful friend audrey gave me a couple of colorful polkadot folders.. so it just looks a lot nicer on my desk :)

anyway.. this will be a short and sweet post because there are many things to get done this afternoon and i'm excited about seeing that list decrease!

the morning started earlier than normal. i knew this, because i had set my alarm for 35 minutes earlier than normal. on a typical morning i will hit my snooze about 5-6 times (not even exaggerating) and then i race to get ready and out the door on time. so last night when i was going to sleep i told myself to get up with the first alarm. so.. there i was, awake. i changed into my "work out attire" and went downstairs. the cats are so telling of my normal morning routine, that they look completely surprised and confused to see me awake. up before michael. dressed (ha!), and going downstairs to the treadmill. but there i was. and half an hour later i had 2 miles under my belt and i was getting showered and ready for the day.

next it was out the door with me, and it was raining. misting. and i was in one of my favorite plaid shirts (thanks phoebe!) and my poofy vest (i seriously love poofy vests) and i felt cozy warm (contrary to my description.. i am wearing something on my bottom half. but wouldn't that be a sight!) i do love the rain. it seems to cheer me up, unlike how it treats most people! i picked up my carpool and we swung by starbucks for a morning warm up.

work has flowed on, and its good to get stuff finished up.

then lunch. my hubby popped in for a surprise visit, and we went for a quick bite down the street. at lunch another friend popped in to get michael's signature (he's a celebrity! wait.. no it was something for the business) and when we were done eating & went to pay the waitress informed us that our friend had covered the bill. we walked out of there full, satisfied and appreciative of such a nice gesture.

the fresh rain, the good start, the bold coffee, the impromtu visits, the simple & thoughtful gesture... all things sweet & delicious.

limbo

what do you think when you hear the term "limbo"?
the game? a place or state of oblivion? roman catholic theology? a place or state of imprisonment or confinement? or an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place?
(all of those are actual definitions of the term limbo)

for me i think of the last one, a transitional state. at least right now.

there are a few areas in my life where i feel like i'm in a "limbo state".
knowing what i want to "do for a living" but having to take the slow steps to get there.
feeling out of place in one of my places of "community" but not being able to move forward - either do to my own stubbornness (not letting go of past hurts, frustrations etc) or to things that are out of my control - but also not being able to go back to the past.
having ideas of what i would like that community to look like, but also trying to take in to account that my "family" is not just me, but my husbands thoughts & feelings as well.
knowing who I'd "like to be" but overcoming my own shortfalls & learning to accept things about myself that may never change. there is such a balance between knowing who you want to be.. and loving who you ARE.
letting go of my childhood home to fully embrace this new chapter of life for my family. i am SO excited about WRATW but it means finally having to let go of anola. who knew something so physical could be such an emotional tug of war.
loving every minute i spend with everett, but still struggling with the grief of losing jay. i don't know that this one will ever balance, because it will never be "fixed".. but sometimes i have to hold my breath as the grief re-washes over and over and over, and sometimes all i can do is weep. i don't think many 25 year olds go through experiences in their first 25 years that they can only respond to by weeping. sometimes the feeling of "limbo" is just hoping & praying that we have received our full amount of grief & despair and praying that God will keep everything else at bay - but knowing that he doesn't "work like that".
limbo as many of our friends are becoming moms & dads - dreaming of when it'll be our turn, but loving the time we get to spend without kids! but also very excited for when we do have kids that can play with our friends kids! :)

limbo is sometimes exciting, and other times i think it can stop us from moving forward, or keep us dwelling in the past. such a fine line!

maybe the game "limbo" has that name because it bends you & pushes you out of your comfort zone - and you either break/fall or you come out excited by your success or you are just thankful that round is over! much like the state of limbo. debilitating or liberating or, i suppose, sometimes just a state to pass through. sort of like north dakota.. either its a total waste of time, or a successful shopping trip or just a means to an end (the end being the Ikea in Minneapolis!)
tangent.

thanks for loving & listening. and for those of you who stand in limbo with me :)

honesty

i think honesty is underused and underrated.
honesty with ourselves, honesty with God, honesty with friends, with grief, with joy, with the church. honesty with family, with insecurity, with passion...

i've been thinking about honesty for the last few weeks. finding it ironic that we can even be dishonest within ourselves! how odd... i find that journaling (thoughts, emotions, exercise, food, prayers) will really point out where we are being dishonest with ourselves, which is probably why it gets neglected!

i have been thinking about the negative names that honesty is often given: strong personality, stubborn, mean, insensitive, dwelling in the past, stuck, painful, frustrating.. at least in my own life experiences. (* sometimes i think people use the term "honesty" to get away with being mean or stubborn.. that isn't what I'm meaning here!)

this whole thinking about honesty really hit me in the face when I was in a few conversations etc. over the course of a few days where I felt like honesty was not allowed. either I would be stepping on toes, or boring someone, or hurting feelings, or causing an argument. None of which was the heart behind my desire to be honest. I really value honesty, and when a relationship or conversation becomes surface.. I just don't really see the point.

I've also been realizing times where I haven't cut someone else enough slack, when they were being honest.. even if it meant retelling me the same stories over and over. They were/are being real, and being honest as they work things through.

So, honesty.

In all honesty.. I think about Jay everyday of my life. I wonder what it would be like to smell his skin or kiss his cheeks. I wonder what his voice would sound like, and I wonder what color his eyes would be. I still think about the hurt, and the loss.. because it is ever-present! I will never tire of bringing him up in conversation.. because that is the only way I can experience being his auntie right now!

In all honesty.. I have been hurt by lack of support from some, weird distance from others and baffled by actions of some others. At the same time, other friendships have been strengthened by support & the way they stumbled with me through all of this. That hurt... still hits me in the face a lot, and I'm working to let it go, but sometimes it's just too much.

In all honesty.. I am learning to let go of insecurities and fully love myself. Which also means learning to let my husband love me with all of those insecurities! (it's a good thing I have him!). someone told me that their daughter decided one of her first steps she would take (after the recent beth moore simulcast) was to start saying "thank you" when her husband complimented her.. rather than trying to convince him he was wrong! sounds like a good first step to me.

i'm not really sure how to end this. I really value honesty, and i'm trying to figure this out!
thank you to those who always allow me to be honest. xo

He is risen!!

Today is Easter sunday... and I have spent the morning at home alone (well, with my 2 kitties)
I really wanted to go to church, but I still don't have the energy to go & to sit there for the service. So I decided to spend the morning with some good music playing on our stereo, with a home made italian soda, with a cozy blanket, my bible & my beth moore study.

I got behind on the study a few weeks ago.. so I have been catching up a lot this week. I think that God gave this study to me this morning, as I cried while I read the account of the resurrection of Jesus & read about it also from the angel's perspective.

I was blessed this morning by Jesus & I am celebrating his saving grace & his resurrection! I was also very blessed by the words Beth put into this study & I hope they will bless you too.

(Taken from "A woman's heart: God's Dwelling Place" by Beth Moore)

How the heavenly hosts must adore God's precious Son, as anxious as they were to shout His blessed birth announcement, as compelled as they were to minister to His every need in the wilderness! How they must have begged the Father for release the day the nails were driven into His flesh!...

(When Mary entered the tomb she did not find the body of Jesus, but she found two angels that "gleamed like lightning". One sat at the head & the other at the foot of the place where Jesus' body had been.)

Can you imagine the divine appointment as God called out the names of two of His cherubim and beckoned them before the throne, then sent them to earth to guard the most precious body that ever lived?
Surely as the body of their beloved lay in that tomb, those two angels stood constant guard, one at the head, one at the feet, facing one another with wings outstretched, feet practically melted into position, eyes cast solidly in one direction. Surely their gaze never wavered from the One they adored. Their eyes were fixed securely on His own. Not a single angelic muscle must have twitched, awaiting the Father's promise.

Then those eyes - those penetrating eyes that saw the pain of a leprous man, the eyes that set free a woman at a well, the eyes that saw a "rock" instead of a fumbling disciple - those piercing eyes began to open.
And with the sound of mighty, rushing waters, their wings propelled them straight into the heavens with the dearest cry a pair of spiritual ears would ever hear: He is risen!

his banner over me is love

i have always liked the song "Who I am" by Jessica Andrews.. especially the chorus:

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
A spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless & I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
They know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
That's who I am

I have been thinking about this for awhile.. "who I am", identity, self worth, purpose etc.. and have struggled with self confidence & worth. A dear friend of mine & I talked about this.. wondering about God's timing and purpose in our lives. I find that it is easy to be happy about God's timing & to trust his purpose when we feel like we are following along at the same pace! But when the bumps in the road throw us off.. well it impairs our vision.

That night I sat at my piano and started to sing. I chose a song that I love.. and as I sang it, I realized that it was for this dear friend. I talk to God through the songs at my piano, and I truly believe that He talks to me the same way. Sometimes I choose a song, and then realize that it was exactly what God had been trying to say to me! So I sat there, and cried, and sang, and cried tears for my friend. Not of sadness, but of incredible joy. God was telling me who she was, she was & is... His beloved. that's who I am. that's who YOU are.

I shared it with her, and have sang it many times since then at my piano. I have often played for her.. and we have cried together. Such a gift to cry together over such incredible love & purpose.

Today is Good Friday. GOOD because it was the day that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love. The day he decided to end the need for other physical altars & sacrifices. The day He was beaten, broken, mocked... to show me & you that we ARE his beloved. The hands that made the world, all the animals, every star & every cloud. The hands that wipe my tears & the hands that pray for me. Those hands were pierced & nailed to the cross.. because I am His. His banner over me, is love. Because I am my beloved's & He is mine.

May you be blessed today, and know that YOU are HIS beloved. Also, I would be delighted to sing this song to any of you, when I sing it, I pray that others will know these words to be true for them as well.

Your Beloved : The Tree

Lord it was You, who created the heavens
Lord it was Your hand, that put the stars in their place
Lord it is Your voice, that commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet, O God!

Lord, who am I compared to Your glory?
Lord, who am I compared to Your majesty?
O God..
I'm Your beloved.
Your creation.
And You love me as I am.
You've called me chosen, for Your kingdom.
Unashamed to call me Your own.

I'm Your beloved... I'm Your beloved.. I'm Your beloved.

Christ's indestructible life did not simply allow Him to assume a title of honor. It allowed Him to burst open every believer's grave & shout, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55) *taken from "A Women's Heart: God's dwelling place" by Beth Moore

now here I go, dance around the sun

Can, can you spare some conversation
Can, can you spare some conversation

I need a yellow taxi cab today
I need your taxi cab to take me away
I need a yellow taxi cab today
So take us, driver, take us far away...

if you've never listened to matt costa.. well, you really should. the first time i heard one of his songs was when my friend Allison was singing in a lounge on Corydon. It was so catchy and fun, and I went home and downloaded it.. and have been a matt costa fan ever since. some days i listen to his cd over and over again, it is delightful.

anyway, as i was driving today i was marveling at the fact that its RAINING in MARCH! not snowing, raining. and if you know me, you know that i love rain. i love gray days, when the rain falls and the puddles grow. when you have to wear rubber boots to avoid being soaked, and have to run to your car so you don't get drenched. i love sitting inside and feeling warm. i love to sip a warm drink and watch the puddles dance. gray days don't make me feel gray, but rather they cheer me up (odd i know!)

so, unlike the lyrics i started this post with.. i don't want to be taken far away! i am enjoying the rain falling out my window. although.. i wouldn't mind being taken "far away" to the cabin. it's at this time of the year that i'm really itching to be out there, spending countless hours with my family, playing games, watching movies, being together even though we're all doing separate things, warm in front of the fire... can't wait! and this year we get to go with Everett! man, that will be wonderful.

this week started with a split. on tuesday morning i twisted to get out of our car (which is SO LOW to the ground!!) and heard a little rip. i walked into work and was getting my breakie ready, when my MIL (mother in law :) ) says "ASHLEY! YOUR SKIRT IS RIPPED!" and basically told me she could see my bum! and sure enough, there it was, ripped. thankfully (and oddly) i had a dress in my car, so my MIL ran out to get it. then one man in our office would not leave the staff room, he just kept chatting, not at all realizing that we were trying to end the conversation so he could leave. he left, and then kyle came in and i said "you've got to be kidding me!!" and told him he needed to go because my skirt was ripped! he left, and i finally changed. as my mom said later when I told her "well, that was a REAL bummer!" ha, so true. and now michael & i have another reason to want a new vehicle.. Rav4 here I come! (not forsure a Rav4, but thats my favorite choice currently!)

so it was a rough start, but the rain is enough to make the week better!

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you

psalm 63:3 (NIV)

i love to sing
sounds like a simple statement, but really, truly, i LOVE to sing.
i love to sing in the car, in the shower, at my piano, with my guitar.
i love to sing at the lake when the boat is going so fast that it drowns out the sound of my voice.
i love to listen to my ipod & sing along as if everyone else can hear whats in my ears.
i love to sing on worship teams, in practices, early in the morning, later in the evening.
i love to sing in community, with people I know, and with people I don't know.
i love to sing with people who are so into the song that they don't even realize they're singing the wrong notes.
i love to sing when i'm all alone.
i love to sing in choirs, and duets & trios.
i just really, truly, love to sing.

this weekend i was at red rock bible camp with my mother-in-law & sister-in-law, as well as an aunt & two cousins (from the thiessen side), and we spent time singing together before each session.

i am a firm believer in really meaning what you are singing. Ok, sometimes I sing along to the songs on the radio, more for the fun than for the actual words caught in a bad romance.... for example! catchy song, but I'm not singing it for the words. What i was talking about though, is when it comes to worship

when i was on outtatown (formally called SOD) I had decided to go on a "singing fast", because I could think of nothing that was more valuable to me that I could "give up" for a time to really focus on Jesus. when you love something a lot, it can very easily become a source of pride, at least for me. I remember when I had started to sing again, and I struggled so much during one worship session. We were singing the song "Hungry" i'm falling on my knees.. offering all of me, Jesus you're ALL this heart is living for, and I wept and wept and wept. Because there was so many other things going on. so many distractions and meaningless things. Nothing "dramatic".. as i've never really been much of a rebel! but my heart could not sing those words, saying that all my heart was living for was Jesus. I so badly wanted to, but it wasn't honest. I loved him then (and love him now!) but he did not reign over all else in my heart.

since then, worship has become one of my main communication forms with Jesus. it is my passion to sing, so why wouldn't I use that as my main way to be passionate for Jesus? I've come to the decision that when I sing, I don't need to have it all together, but rather use the words as a re commitment, a plea to God to continue helping me make these words ring true for me.

this weekend our "theme song" was Amazing Love. i sort of groaned inside when I heard that because this song in my mind has been over played and over used. to the point that I don't think people realize the words anymore. they know how to sing it without once thinking about what they are saying (not all people, but i think that's what happens when the profound words become over used and almost "normal"). So I decided to really dwell on the words as we sang it
i'm forgiven BECAUSE you were forsaken
i'm accepted, you were condemned
i'm alive & well, YOUR spirit LIVES(!) within ME
because you died & rose again

AMAZING LOVE
how can it be?
that YOU my king would DIE for ME.
amazing love
I KNOW it's true
it's my JOY to honor you
in ALL I do, I honor you

YOU are MY KING
Jesus, you are my king.
amazing

i was struck by the lines "I know its true" "it's my JOY" & "You are my KING"
this weekend i had my eyes opened to a stumbling block that has been in my way for awhile, a block that has somehow multiplied itself so that it's more like a wall between me & my Jesus. but the wall does not need to remain! because i KNOW that God's love is true. and when I truly believe this.. I can see Jesus - and I literally picture him in his sandals & with his long hair (I really do wonder what Jesus actually looked like, since all I can picture are the Sunday School images!) picking up blocks and throwing them till them smash into pebbles. kicking down the wall & singing. destroying my wall, not in anger but in genuine affection. oh, believe me.. reveling in this love & this beloved destruction, oh, it is my joy!

you don't just walk away from strongholds after 1 decision, or one worship session. it would be foolish of me to believe that. but asking Jesus to help me smash these blocks, this is me asking him & proclaiming to him, that I want him to be my KING. & thanking him for the Joy that comes with honoring him as such.

amazing love. i know it's true. it's my joy to (try my best.. getting up every time i stumble) honor You, my King.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you
Psalm 63:2-4 (The Message)

a new type of blog

i've decided to start a second blog... which is funny since i rarely write in this one!

BUT the new blog isn't for writing.. it is strictly for posting pictures that i have taken and would like to share with whoever cares to take a look.

That new blog can be found at: http://photographybyashleymarie.blogspot.com/ it's really nothing fancy, but just something I love to do.

Writing and taking pictures, two wonderful ways of expressing creativity, perspective & thoughts! Hopefully I will start to write more soon.

that's it for now!

He hideth my life in the depths of His love, and covers me there with His hand

the morning is still
but the snow is dizzying
the mist is hovering over the ground

her heart is heavy & full
as tears fall from the eyes of those around her
her heart aches

she feels her way around in what seems like utter darkness
she calls out to Him asking him WHERE ARE YOU?
and she waits in the silence

she continues on
she re-learns to function, to move, to breathe, to smile
the same eyes from where the tears fell are now looking on her and watching
saying to each other "i can not even imagine..."

the mist is lifting
the light begins to penetrate the darkness
around her she sees grace falling like snow
falling like manna in perfect proportion to her need

walking through the showers of grace
is Him
the darkness is overtaken by the Light
her eyes have been opened
she's realizing that the darkness was
not the lack of Him
but it was Him
shielding her eyes from the storm.

Emmanuel.

I've got you covered..

when did the week fly by? I can't believe that tomorrow is Friday, and the last working day of January! i feel like the week flew by mostly because i wasn't working on Monday - the snow was so bad and blustery that I didn't dare get onto the roads. also the snow was piled so high behind my house that when i opened the back door snow poured into my house!

anyway, now it is thursday, and well, i'm not complaining :)

monday night was another bible study session. i had actually done all my "homework" so I felt prepared for the next DVD session. the study is based on and around the tabernacle, and we have been studying what happened from the time of genesis, when God first created man.. all the way to when God instructed the people to build a tabernacle so that he could dwell with them.

in genesis adam and eve lived in the most beautiful garden
filled with the smells of fresh grass, delicious fruits
i imagine rows of grapes, and pomegranates, fresh streams of sparkling clear.. delicious water
the smell after a spring rain where everything smells new and fresh.. i can just imagine them walking around trying to take it all in
the coolest part.. God walked around in the garden with them. he dwelled among them, walking and talking with them.
they were not God, nor were they on the same level as God.. but they were privileged and blessed to dwell with him.
adams job was to guard the garden.. something/someone as crafty as the "snake" should never have been allowed so close to such goodness. but the snake found eve.. and deceived her and adam both, and that was the start of shame & of sin.
suddenly adam and eve were ashamed, they were exposed. suddenly the fact that God walked among them wasn't viewed as a gift, but was viewed with shame and fear.

God still walked among them, but they hid. shame. fear. hiding. Satan started this awful cycle, that still continues very much in the world today, and in my own life. Everything that comes from God is GOOD. but shame, defeat, anxiety, fear.. these are "gifts" from the snake. The devil fills our minds with these things, and tell us TAKE COVER!, hide, don't let God see you how you truly are..

but in the garden, God continued to walk.. and he knew they were hiding in shame. he had created them, and had not covered them with clothes, because they had no reason for shame. God went and killed an animal, to use the skins to clothe adam and eve. the first sacrifice.. not because they needed to be covered, but because God has "got them covered", he continues to supply for their "needs"

how many times in my life do i feel the devils words TAKE COVER! and allow myself to dwell in shame and fear, when at the same time God is walking among us saying I've got you covered

since monday i've had this song in my head:
all of my life, i've been in hiding.. wishing there was someone just like you
now that you're here, now that i've found You
I know that you're the one to pull me through

deliver me.

heaven received another angel this week. a beautiful one, the mother of one of my dear dear friends. my heart has felt so heavy, as we prayed before, we pray again.. Jesus, come and pull them through. with no right answers, and such huge loss i just ask the spirit to pray through groans and tears. Jesus overwhelm the Koops with your love.

strew some scripture all over the place

strew–verb (used with object), strewed, strewn

1.	to let fall in separate pieces or particles over a surface; scatter or sprinkle: to strew seed in a garden bed.

2.	to cover or overspread (a surface, place, etc.) with something scattered or sprinkled: to strew a floor with sawdust.

3.	to be scattered or sprinkled over (a surface): Sawdust strewed the floor.

last night was the first monday night women's bible study at mcivor (for this current study. not the first one EVER at mcivor). they have had studies before, but I've never really felt like it was for me or like it was something high on my priority list.

this time i didn't really think much of it when i heard it was happening, but just one day realized that i had decided i would go! i asked phoebe if she would join me, and so last night.. there we were, side by side, getting ready to dive in.

i like beth moore, i like that she is funny and entertaining. but more than that.. i appreciate that she knows her stuff. she is continually cross referencing scripture, and backing up what she is saying. without being over my head.

the thing i really appreciated the most was her focus on God's pursuit of us. that God calls out to us "where are you?", not because he doesn't know where we are. but because he wants us to tell him where we are at, so that he can meet us there. he is continually pursuing us, no matter where we are. i appreciated this especially because i felt like maybe i shouldn't be there, because i haven't been very faithful in my relationship with Jesus especially lately. I struggled so much with faith after our family lost Jay, and my faith walk, disciplines etc never really recovered to their previous state. My faith in Jesus remains the same.. but my relationship with him at times feels labored. I joked with Phoebe last night that part of me felt like I should've prayed for a solid week straight, in order to be ready enough to do this study.
how refreshing that God doesn't work that way. he calls out to me and says "where are you?" even though he knows.. he wants me to tell him, and pursue him.. because he has not stopped pursuing me.

beth moore also shared a story about a woman that she had worked with that was driving home to see her family. a car drove into her lane and hit her.. killing her instantly. a friend of beth's called her to tell her about the accident scene. she said that this woman had had a stack of cards with scriptures on them in her car. when the accident happened these scriptures were strewn all over the road. when the police were cleaning up the accident site they had to go around and pick up those scriptures one by one.

what a privilege we have to be able to do that in our lives.. to strew scripture and Christ's love all over, all over the streets.. all over everyone we know, or don't know.

i feel like i started this study because God is and continues to pursue me, and it's time to start pursuing back again.

Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance

it has been so long since i wrote on here
mostly because the "free" wireless we were using is no longer unsecured.. so our internet time has been cut down. and the other reason is probably just that there is so much going on (it seems) that i haven't had a second to just sit down and write.

i miss writing. sometimes i feel like i have so many thoughts in my head that i get dizzy and wonder why... mostly it's because i haven't had a chance to ramble on to michael, or in my journal, or on my blog. and my head just gets too full!

the last month has been good. full of family, and friends and Ev! I can't get enough of that little sweetie. even if i can't hold him because he needs time to sleep without being held, i am still just so happy to be in the same room as him and hear all his little noises. i just love him. sometimes michael and i will just be sitting in the car or on the couch not saying anything, and one of us will say "i just love everett so much!" and we laugh because we've both just been sitting there thinking about him. it is so wonderful to have a growing family and the love doesn't get less for anyone, but it just manages to increase for everyone. wonderful. bliss.this month has also been full of trying to figure things out with our church family. without going into detail, we have been hurt and confused by a lot of leadership decisions in the past year and especially recently. i tried to speak my piece, but ended up feeling frustrated and like i wasn't heard fully but rather came across as complaining and not being willing to see the big picture. that is just really discouraging, and some sundays we have just chosen to stay home, or to go and be with family. it's hard to feel that way about church, mostly because for the first 23 years of my life church was just so normal, and something you went to on Sunday, with a very rare occasion that we wouldn't go. This last week we had agreed to pick up matt, so we went to church, and I was glad we did. it was nice to see a new team leading worship, and i hope they felt encouraged by responses!

it has just made my mind hurt a little, and has made my heart really sad. especially seeing more hurt in people that michael and i really love and care about.

there are also more changes happening at work now... which only adds to the fullness of my mind!

i've certainly experienced many more emotions that i was unfamiliar with in 2009. i am hoping that 2010 will be a little more leveled out! heavier on the joy end of the emotion spectrum!

now let me just gush about everett for a few lines, and then i'll put up some pictures. and then i'll get back to my to-do list.

Everett.. what a handsome little man. i love that he looks so much like josh. i love how after he eats he spends time gazing at leah. i love being in their home and seeing a baby sleeping close by. i love that his cry is kind of husky, and that he squirms around as soon as he is cold. i love his little chin dimple, and that he gets it from my dad. i love seeing josh and leah walk around with him and talk to him, he is going to learn so much from them! i love that he snuggles up like a little tree frog, and sits with his feet together like he's doing yoga. he has such cute little features, little lips, shoulders, long fingers and toes.. i am so excited to watch him grow up, to have him for his first sleepover, to play with him and teach him silly songs and games. i can't wait till we hear his little voice. but at the same time, i can, because i love him in this stage now too and don't want to rush him (he is already growing and changing so fast!) what a sweet little peanut.