gratefulness

it has been a long time since I have posted anything

I realize that it's a combination of things - partially not knowing exactly what to write about, partially feeling too passionate about things to write about (and I don't like to write about something if I'm too emotional about it, because I find that I can regret things that I write in such a public forum), and partially because I am using my time differently. Life with an 18 month old is a busy one! And in this day and age, technology is everywhere. Matilda knows what my phone sounds like when I get a text, she knows what it means if it starts ringing, she knows how to slide her finger on the screen to unlock it, and she knows how to scroll thru pictures and press PLAY on videos. Sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's eery, to see how someone so little can do all these things, and realizing its because she is watching it all around her! But, all that to say, I cannot as easily be on the computer with her around, nor do I want to be as much.

But right now, she is fast asleep in her room, and I am taking some moments to myself to write about some thoughts that have been milling around in my head for the last couple of weeks.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of gratefulness - and how quickly gratefulness can be replaced with entitlement, jealousy, pride etc. Two quotes that have been in my head lately have been "remember this - that very little is needed to make a happy life" (aurelis) and "comparison is the thief of joy" (theodore roosevelt). I have been thinking about how happy life can be, how content I am at home with Matilda, playing and learning, reading, drawing etc. and then one conversation with someone else (particularly another mom) can leave me thinking that I want the things that she has, or maybe my parenting isn't as good because my kid wakes up earlier than hers, or she makes it to the gym and I don't, or her kid is saying 30 words etc etc. So quickly the comparison can change a perspective from grateful to jealous. Or how quickly I can leave a conversation on the opposite end, thinking to myself how superior my parenting is because of this or that. And my gratefulness is swapped for a much uglier pride and entitlement.

This was all really put into perspective for me last night. My husband had an early start to work yesterday, as well as a later stop time. He left before Matilda woke up, and normally he gets up with her and they spend the morning together until he has to leave (giving me the luxury of catching a few more zzz's). So my day started earlier than normal. The day was lovely, with different visits from different loved ones. Matilda had a nice long nap and I was productive during those couple of hours. But then the time that I expected Michael to come home, came and went. I couldn't get him on the phone and I started growing impatient. Only later in the evening did I realize that it was more like a spoiled kid, grumbling that they were home alone, when the other person would have loved to be home but was instead working hard and making money! He came home and quickly I felt discouraged by the idea of trying to make something for supper, no ideas, nothing quick to make etc etc. We put Matilda down together and went downstairs to start supper. However, unlike every other night, Matilda decided she didn't want to sleep. She was crying and fussing, and that is just not her style. So I went in to try and help her, but that made it worse when I tried leaving. So, back up I went, thinking "poor me". We gave her some Tylenol to help with the molars that are trying to come through and I sat in the rocking chair. She fussed for a little while, but as I was singing, she very quickly settled and just snuggled in. I moved her into a cradle hold position, and sat there singing to her, songs of Jesus loving her, God making nature, God's power and might. Her eyes were closed and she was in a steady soft breathing pattern that showed her relaxing more every minute. I sat there, and God brought to mind so many things. In the past few weeks I have learned of 2 little boys each passing away (neither who I knew personally, but I did read from both mom's blogs etc) one from a sudden car accident (he was 3), and another from a brain tumor (he was 5). God also brought to mind two different names of women I love who are trying to start families. He reminded me of a conversation I had with another friend who is potentially going to have to move away from close family for work circumstances. I was sitting there, holding my sweet sleeping baby, and was so aware of those who are with empty arms and life was put into perspective. My gratefulness was looking more like entitlement, and with entitlement came the idea that I could complain about mundane things, or feel sorry for myself about things that are not big things at all. I was thinking about the one mom, who would be at home without her little 5 year old - who she sang to every night, and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that I could be sitting here holding my baby and singing to her.

So I sat there a little longer. Rocked her a little more. Sang her one more song. Said many silent thank you prayers. Whispered I love you. Gave her a kiss and savoured the moment of looking at her, and tried to remind myself not to forget this moment, but to use it to live daily with gratefulness.

remembering.

I have always been a fan of worship music - no matter how new or how old. I love me a good solid hymn with 4 part harmony (and the occasional "descant" if we want to really get crazy), I love the newest most contemporary styles as well. And really, everything in between! My iPod playlists will often contain a mixture of gaithers to iron & wine. I'm not picky really. One thing I do love, is playing or singing an "old" song (old being a relative term here) and rediscovering it. Either the way the melody ebbs & flows or fits into my favorite register of my voice, or rediscovering the poetic phrases in the lyrics, or a combo of the two if I'm lucky!

I have compiled all of my worship music into one large binder. It contains all kinds of gems in there. And often, just when I need it - I will flip "randomly" to a song, and it will fit exactly where I am at with my thoughts. Today was one of those days. I flipped to the song "We Worship You" by Jane Martens. I have always loved the melody of this song, and today the words fit perfectly into my thoughts, especially the second verse:

We worship You, we come before Your throne
To see Your face Lord, for You have cleansed us
And called us Your own
We worship You and even in pain
We know You've redeemed us
And we'll never be the same

So because of Your grace and Your unfailing love
Because of Your faithfulness we lift You up
Because of Your word and Your righteous ways
We offer to You Lord this sacrifice of praise

I have been thinking a lot about what our lives look like as Christians. How are we supposed to be different, and how are we supposed to be "in the world" as well. These thoughts are largely due to those around me - I have been surrounded by the whole spectrum these days it seems. I have a new friend who is a new Christian - and making this decision has required huge sacrifice. I have others around me that are being very obedient in our call as Christians - which sometimes requires a huge change in our lives and often pushes us out of our comfort zone, or inviting others in, which also challenges our comfort zone. I have also been witness to the other extreme of the spectrum, with those who once were on the same page as me, and have now expanded their "God box" and are walking a dangerous line of interpreting God's word to fit our situation and desires. 

When we are spiritual and earthly peers to one another, we will just naturally compare our experiences to others, our views, our thoughts, our nudgings of the Spirit. So I have been thinking a lot about what do I want my life to be like, how do I want others to see Christ in me, and how do I want Christ to see me every minute of every day. How do I walk along side of a new Christian, and also those who are struggling? 

We have the luxury (and I really do see it as a luxury) of having a huge community of faith around us. We have had the opportunity recently to seek out the council of our spiritual authority in our church (our lead pastor) as well as conversations with peers. We have open communication in our family unit of Michael and I, as well as both of our extended families. We have friends and peers. We have people in our lives who commit to praying for us, while we commit to praying for others. People who encourage us while we use our energies to encourage others. Community, a luxury, and a necessity for spiritual health. 

One of the other opportunities recently for me has been attending a Beth Moore bible study at Women Refreshed at the Well. It is called "Laws of Love" and it is a short study on the book of Deuteronomy. I have been so thankful for this study so far. One of the major parts that has stuck in my mind has been on the point of Spiritual Amnesia. Here are some of the points Beth makes on that (someone on the internet has posted these notes- so it is not verbatim, just the notes of another person doing this bible study):

Deuteronomy 8:2,11,14,18,19:
Spiritual amnesia kills people, churches, integrity, promise.
V2: and you shall remember
V11: take care let you forget
V14: then your heart be lifted up, and you forget
V18: you shall remember
V19: and if you forget
The only way to keep from forgetting is to remember!
Remembering is the key to not forgetting!

My story is my ministry. My story is the reason why I have the sanity to put 4 words together to make sense. All for His glory!

There is a thin line between taking for granted what God has done and taking credit for it. When we stop remembering, we have forgotten; It will bring us back to bondage every time.
We cry out and we start again in hopes to make it right this time. It's an endless cycle. Make it stop.

This has fit so well into my thoughts these days. With both my friend that is a new Christian, and those on the other end - one is in a place of realizing what God is doing - and working so hard at remembering, and the other is in the place of beginning to forget. Through all of it, I am realizing that it is our job as Christians to work at REMEMBERING. To keep God involved and at the centre of everything we do so that our story - the way we live, our life in all aspects - points back to God and what He has done. 

I've been reminded yet again that being a Christian is a verb not a noun (ha, I feel like Dr. Phil here - he always says "now I'm going to put verbs in my sentences"). God is not a box that we can widen - his word is very clear and God needs to be the only thing we measure ourself against. The minute we try to fit God around our sins and earthly tendencies, is the minute that we have started to forget. Being a Christian is work! It requires sacrifice (either materialistic things, or not giving into sinful desires etc). 

And this is where I (finally) fit the song into it all. The last line of the song always hits me. "We offer to You Lord, this sacrifice of praise."The way that we worship God, is by continually offering ourselves to him, all parts - even the parts that we so desperately want to cling to. But when we work at remembering - the sacrifice is put into perspective, and it really is just all about worship & praise and then we realize that this sacrifice is hardly a sacrifice at all once we realize where we are because of God. 

"You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the shepherd of your souls." 1 Peter 2:25

Immanuel

Christmas is here. Every year I feel like it sneaks up on me, like I don't always take the time to soak it up before it is over.

I love so much about Christmas. The music, the decorations, the turkey and the Christmas baking. I love the Christmas carols and the time with family. I love the familiarity of the Christmas story and the sound of my brother or one of my dads reading the words, "in those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree..." I love taking time to pick out gifts for those I love, and spending more time together than a normal day.

I always miss loved ones that are no longer here. Christmas always makes me aware of the fact that our family is not whole here on earth, especially missing my first nephew, Jay.

This year Christmas is different since we are now a family of 3. I appreciate time with family even more and I'm more aware yet again of the gifts that God has given me.

But this year, having Matilda around has helped me see Christmas in another way. I have always loved the name Immanuel for God. It has just always been one of my favourite ways to refer to Jesus. I love the verse in Isaiah (9:6) "For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." And I love to read it together with the verse in Matthew (1:23) "She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us'".

The verse in Isaiah talks about a son being given to us, and the verse in Matthew talks about his name meaning he is WITH us. This is where having Matilda has helped give me a new perspective.

I always knew I wanted to have kids. I feel natural around kids and I love spending time with my nephews and my friends kids. I knew the basics of what having a kid meant - getting pregnant, going through labour, feeding the baby, changing diapers, meeting needs, getting her to sleep etc. I knew having a baby would mean she would be with me, live with me, but I didn't get the depth of that until the experience was mine. Until I went thru it, I didn't know that when you are pregnant, you think of your baby 24/24 hours of the day. When you go into labour you do not care about the pain or about what it takes to get that baby out safely. Until I had a baby that needed me to fill her every need I didn't know what it felt like to be needed like that. Until the experience was mine, I didn't know how much time and effort it took, and I didn't get how much you can love someone.

Until the experience was mine, I didn't know what it really meant to have a baby with me at all times. She is all I think about, I don't do anything without thinking how she fits in to it. I don't eat breakfast when I am hungry if I think she need to eat or even just have my full attention.

Until now, it didn't fully sink in that that is what Immanuel means. God is WITH us. He wants to be with me the way Matilda is. He wants to be part of every minute of my day. He wants my attention, my thoughts, my everything. He makes himself present constantly, he may not force my attention like a newborn does, but he wants it.

So this year I will make it intentional to welcome him the way he welcomes me. Immanuel - a son given to us, God with us.

This picture is of my chalkboard in my living room, with the verse from Matthew to help remind me of this wonderful gift.

hold on to me as a we go...

I'm not sure how many other people still watch American Idol, but I do even though after Taylor Hicks won I swore I would NEVER watch again...
This past season was probably my favorite of all the seasons. The judges are more positive and give more constructive criticism as opposed to just being grumpy (aka simon cowell). It was also my favorite season because I was so happy with who won.. a guy named Phillip Phillips (maybe I'll name our baby Thiesse Thiessen, since the double name seemed to work for Phillip). He was my favorite because it was so obvious that he was there because he loved making music, he loved performing because it meant he got lost in the music - he wasn't there to be "adored" or praised for what he did (although that's a nice bonus I'm sure). He was there to just be who he was, and express himself through this creative outlet of music. And he had one of the most attractive qualities a person can have (in my opinion) - a humble spirit. When they announced that he won, he had to sing his new single - Home - and it was emotional to watch (and apparently something I get emotional talking about.. pregnant much?) because he was just so humbled at the support for who he truly is, that he couldn't even make it through singing the whole song and he ended up walking off the stage to cry with his family.
By far my favorite TV moment of 2012.

Anyway, this song has become one of my favorites and it came on this morning when I was watching the weather channel as I was getting ready for the day, and has been playing in my mind since then. I'm  in the process of making a mix CD of songs that make me think about our little baby, and this journey of preparing to be parents and just these months of anticipation and fun. I intend to listen to it in the car during the last few weeks before my due date, and if I decide to listen to music when I'm in labour (I'm undecided as to whether I'll find music enjoyable or annoying when I'm in pain.. time will tell) then it will be part of that mixture of songs. I decided this morning that this song, Home, is going on that mix - partially because I just love it and how it sounds, but also because of a lot of the words.

Recently I have been starting to have some thoughts (I was going to say doubts, or fears, or concerns.. but those all sound like such downers) about what it will really be like to take on the role of being a mom, and being parents, Michael & I together. No one gives you permission to become a parent, no one can really tell you what to do, or fully prepare you for this huge (and amazing) new role. I'm gathering that it is a lot of trial and error. I have been having a lot of dreams lately, and the other day the main thing in my dream was that my baby was born but I kept living life as if it wasn't. I would get up and leave for the day, and I went days without feeding or changing my baby. I woke up in a bit of a panic!

I've always known I want to be a mom, and that I think Michael will be an awesome Dad. We have wonderful examples, especially in our parents and Josh & Leah. We are so excited for this all to really start - but it is also completely new territory. So many unknowns which is both the exciting and terrifying thing about it!

I am very aware that Satan likes to take our doubts and our personal weaknesses and blow them out of proportion. He likes to make me wonder if I can even do this at all! But, I am confident in who I am, in who God made me to be, in Michael, in our support of family & friends. And well, I love this baby so much, and if I'm terrible at everything else, at least it will know it is completely and utterly loved!

So, back to the song, Home - I feel like the words play into all of this journey for me - "hold onto me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road... don't pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear... just know you're not alone, I'm going to make this place your home."

I am so looking forward to this new stage of life being home.

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

does this make anyone else cry? no? just me? oh well :)

heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

a few words

what a whirlwind of a week since last week Thursday.

Last thursday at 5:30pm I left Winnipeg with both of my mom's and my sister Phoebe for a 14 hour, thru the night, road trip to Calgary. Let me tell you, doing that.. is not a GREAT idea if you are pregnant. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom almost immediately after a bathroom stop, so on the way home I deprived myself of water which resulted in a severely dizzy and nauseated self. Live and learn. So the drive wasn't the best thing in the world BUT the company was great, and the purpose for the trip - a Beth Moore Living Proof Live conference - was well worth it. I still have to sit with my notes purposefully and really digest the things that she was talking about.

Beth Moore made a couple of points that really resonated with me (well more than a couple) but two that have stood out more in my mind without purposefully going back to my notes to think on it. The first is about when God gives us a "word" - basically when you're at church, or reading your bible or in conversation and all of a sudden you have an "aha!" moment of sorts where you think to yourself, "wow God, that was said just for me." Have you ever had a Sunday morning where the Pastor's sermon seems so perfectly catered to you and where you're at that you almost feel like saying "ok, everyone can go home because this sermon is obviously for ME!"? Well that is what she meant by a "word". Anyway, she talked about how if we don't guard that word, and make an effort to really let it plant itself deeper in our hearts and minds, that the bird of prey is just waiting to devour it. And before you know it, the bird of prey will sweep down and snatch up your word before you even realize it, or think twice about it. And then it's gone. So from that.. the importance of guarding the things God gives us. More digesting of that will happen, but I wanted to put it out there that it resonated with me before the bird of prey even stole that little aha!

The second one was the reality of Satan and his power. She talked about the fact that Satan's goal in this world is to try and copy everything that God is doing. In Genesis (and other times in the bible) it talks about God walking the earth. Later in the bible (job 1:7) it says this: ⁷ “Where have you come from?” the Lord asked Satan.
Satan answered the Lord, “I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on." 
Satan is also walking the earth. He tries to replicate what God does and deceive us. Beth talked about how in the Bible Satan is described as a roaring lion looking to devour. So often I think we forget the fact that Satan has power. Of course he is no where near as powerful as God, but he is powerful. And he is crafty. And he is working over time. Beth talked about how Satan is constantly working to be right in our face, right in our way. The reality of his menacing presence was made more aware to me when she said "He is so close, you can feel his mane on your neck, feel his breath on your face, hear his growl in your ear." But even better than that, the reality of God's supreme power was made even more aware to me when Beth talked about us taking our ground back, giving God the glory and power, and the fact that when we do that, when we acknowledge God's supremity in our lives - Satan is forced to watch. He has no choice but to see us throw it back in his face. He may be strong, but in the end, he is not victorious. How awesome is that??


So yes, there is a lot to digest still, but those were my two initial things that really resonated with me. 


Since being back, the week has been full, a lot of going and coming. We made some progress on our basement renovations, even got the treadmill & tv set up again in the basement. We also set up our first piece of nursery furniture, and moved most of the stuff out of the guestroom, which will soon be the nursery. Things are coming along!!


I just realized that I started this post with the intention of it going in a completely different direction.. so, there is likely to be a second post today. Part of the result of a busy week I suppose :)

the ocean or outerspace

yesterday morning will officially go down as one of my favorite moments of life!

We got to hear our sweet little baby's heart beat.

It was our first time meeting our doctor (i'm not using my regular doctor, she is scaling back from obstetrics). I am thankful to have the same doctor that delivered Roger. Leah recommended her, and I am really enjoying her so far. She is friendly and makes me feel comfortable. So, since it was our first time meeting her, I wasn't sure if she was the kind of doctor that takes her patients on time, nor was I 100% sure where her office was (ok, I was 98% sure.. but that's not 100%). So thankfully Michael just went along with my silly request to leave super early (what if it's not in the building I thought it was? What if we can't find parking? what if she takes her patients early? What if I have to fill out all kinds of paper work? etc.. slightly irrational, yes i realize that.)

In the end, we were there at 9:30 for a 10am appointment. And she was running behind, so we only saw her at 10:30. Since Michael spent a lot of his younger life in hospitals and around doctors (his brother had cancer) he is not a big fan of hospitals or doctors offices. So, it was a long hour, but he managed :)

We got aquainted with her, she asked me all kinds of questions, I had a full physical exam and then the best part of the morning.. hearing the heartbeat.

She had a hard time finding it for awhile, and she reassured me that this is totally normal. I mean, it's only the size of a lime. After searching for awhile she said maybe she'd get out the ultrasound machine so at least we could see the heartbeating. And right as she "threatened" to do that, the baby cooperated and she found it. It was strong and fast. (155 beats per minute). But after 10 short seconds, the baby snuck away again. The doctor says we have a very sneaky baby (to which my Dad said he wasn't surprised, since I'm a wee bit sneaky myself). But she was able to find it again, and for longer this time. We decided that it sounded like the baby was at the ocean or in outerspace. Either way.. it was amazing! What a miracle to have a little life inside, only 2 1/2 inches long and full of life. Incredible.

The more time I spend with my nephews, Everett & Roger,  and my "honorary" nephews, Joel, Marcus & Simon I just can't wait to meet this little one. It is so fun to watch babies show their personalities. and then toddlers showing their imaginations and their voices. and then kids showing their creativity, their passions and their humor. I love it all. We have a strong feeling this baby is a girl, and I would love to have one of each gender. Either way, I can't wait!

What was it like hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time?

be still.

today is one of those days when there seems to be a lot going on
or at least a lot of running from one thing to the next.
work this morning - then going to pick up some pottery that I painted with my mom & sister in law - then going to class - then dropping off the movie that we rented last night (did you know there are some bestbuy kiosks in 7-11 that still let you rent movies? we rented the newest twilight movie last night, for 1.99!) - then home for a bit - then to Josh & Leahs (this is the part I'm looking forward to most today! Getting to spend some time with my nephews!)

It's just a full day. I also have lots on my mind - it's been one of those weeks where it seems like my mind is going a mile a minute. It's interesting how it seems like my mind isn't sleeping like it should be.. seems like a million things are flying through at once..

I was just looking out the window, and big fluffy snowflakes are falling down. And things are good. Things may be full, and there is a lot going on, but I am not complaining. Things are good. I would just like to be spending the rest of the afternoon at a coffee shop with a good book or a good friend, and just spend some time being still. It's just one of those days.

mystery

I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony  when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.

My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"

God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.

High is his name, and all his works are glorious.

Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong. 

She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.

There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world 

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)

My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)

When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers. 

Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

Bread of Heaven, broken for me

Cup of salvation, held out to drink

Jesus, mystery

Christ has died and Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!

That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.

Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again. 

My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth. 

stories of cabbage soup

i have two things on my mind currently. well 3 actually.

1. how much my neck hurts
2. seasonal affective disorder
3. food seniors like

quite the variety hey?

1. how much my neck hurts is the thing least on my mind of the 3. but it's there. i slept funny on Sunday night, spent Monday laying down, was a bit better on Tuesday and then kept me up all night last night. well, I slept in little pockets. I woke up multiple times to either go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. One time I also woke up because I had a cat sleeping across my throat! And one time because of a ridiculous dream. But each time it was hard to lift my head off my pillow because my muscles feel so strained. Laying down doesn't really seem to help, but I have yet to master sleeping in the standing position. anyway, moving on.

2. seasonal affective disorder:

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is episodes of depression that occur at a certain time of the year, usually during winter.

People who live in places with long winter nights are at greater risk for SAD.

Symptoms usually build up slowly in the late autumn and winter months. Symptoms are usually the same as with depression:

• Increased sleep and daytime sleepiness
• Less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon
• Loss of interest in work or other activities
• Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
• Social withdrawal
• Unhappiness and irritability

Now I was reading about SAD in a magazine the other day. I have been off of my antidepressants for a good few months now and I have been feeling good. There are little bouts of struggle, but along with being on anti-depressants I think I learned a few other things that help me - being around family & a few "safe" friends, exercising, spending lots of time with Michael, spending time at home and with my cats (sounds crazy, but i really do love them, and they provide great companionship), bubblebaths and doing things I like/hobbies: cooking, baking, photography, stampin' etc., Prayer, church and being honest about where I am at. I don't feel the same as I did last year when I finally went to see someone about the depression I was in. But there are definitely more glimpses of the "symptoms" of SAD than I would openly want to admit.

The one that I struggle with most is social withdrawal. feeling unlike myself doesn't make me want to see more people, it makes me want to keep to myself. But the more I keep to myself, the more I build up the worry about seeing other people. For me, it's a vicious cycle. But for me, I have a good handful of safe friends that I can be myself entirely around. And I have great family! (and 2 nephews that are the best pick-me-up ever!) It is hard though, to try and explain to people why I don't seem to ever get together with anyone. It is hardly ever personal! (99% of the time!) But then again, all of my 'safe' friends don't really question that (at least not openly to me) so I shouldn't worry about the rest. 

I find that the more honest I am that I'm still struggling helps a lot. Even good stress is stress, and sometimes it may be effects of SAD and other times it may just be stress that is part of regular life. I try to just take life one day at a time! I am feeling very much like myself though, which is very different from last winter, and I don't take that for granted.

3. food seniors like

once a month the seniors at the church I work at get together for a "friendship group lunch". I love the seniors of this church. I have gotten to know most of them better than anyone else in the church (most other age groups aren't in the church building during the week in the daytime). They always stop to chat and always have nothing but kind things to say. I also love that they call it "friendship group lunch". I look forward to being a senior! (i'm in no rush, I just hope that I like it as much as I anticipate liking it!) 

anyway, back to the point. Every month they have the same thing, with just a slight change. Every month it is soup, a bun and some type of platz. Now, I love a good bowl of soup, but so far all of the soups have been cabbage with a few other things and spices to change it up. But every month, there it is again, cabbage soup. Reminds me of Charlie & the Chocolate factory, and how Charlies family survives on Cabbage Soup. Not my favorite. Plus, all morning it smelled like lasagna, and then.. it was cabbage soup with a few kidney beans! But, they share with me every time so I'm not really complaining.

I just wonder, do you get to a certain age where you crave cabbage soup & platz? I love baking, and I never feel the desire to bake platz. Is that "sacrilegious" as a mennonite to say that?? I enjoy a piece of platz once and awhile, but every time? Maybe I should create a suggestion box so I can put a suggestion in it once and awhile. A good coffee cake to offset the cabbage soup. no? just me??

anyway, that is my mind this afternoon. Now to run some errands and go to school, while trying to keep my neck as still as possible!

rushing

time for an honesty post

i am not ready to be off anti-depressants

when i first went on them, it was a prescription given to me by a walk-in clinic doctor. he prescribed me quite a large dose, and i became (as my grandma used to say) a "zombo" and i did not like that. i'd rather feel hard emotions than feel numb! so when i was finally able to get in to see my doctor, she lowered my dose by a third

this amount seemed good, but also had me very controlled. i'm a pretty all over the place emotional person, it's part of my charm. whatever i'm feeling, i feel more than 100%!  i think that's why i so easily speak my mind (both a blessing and a curse, depending on the day it seems!) my doctor said that she thought my struggle with depression was likely partially a chemical imbalance, partially weather related (seasonal affected disorder) and partially stress. she said that when i started to feel more like myself that i could lower the dose, and by that she meant take it every other day. it was still a larger amount, so when i took it every other day i felt great one day, and like i was dying the next. not a good method for me.

so, over the next couple of months i went down to a half dose pill, and after taking that for a month i decided to try to take it every other day. my counsellor told me not to rush it. my doctor told me not to think that i "needed" it forever. i don't know what i want or think about it all totally.

so, for the last 3 weeks i've been taking the anti-depressant pill every other day. and for the last 3 weeks i've been crying, over everything and anything! i'm not feeling overly sad or depressed about anything, just feeling emotional. i'm wondering if maybe it's due to having my emotions pent up due to the pills? anyway, the other day driving home with michael i said "i think maybe i should stick to taking the pill every day for a little longer" - to which i found out that i hadn't told michael my plan, and he had been wondering why i had been so different the last few weeks. just a wee bit more moody than normal... so he agreed with me, maybe i'm trying to rush it. not totally sure why. maybe because i know there are people in my life that think it's not good to be on medication. maybe because i want to be done struggling. maybe because i don't like taking a pill every day. maybe pride. who knows?

all i know is that i want to continue on my journey of healing and moving forward and becoming more of myself again. and there is no need to rush!

beloved

i haven't written for awhile
for a number of reasons
being busy with many fun things
and also insecurity
worrying that i don't have anything good to say
or that i'm just patting myself on the back
or talking and rambling for no good

lately i've been realizing that i have lost a lot of confidence for some reason over the past few years.
just more insecure than i have felt before
messages seem to be coming from every which way
you don't do enough
you do too much
you need to spend more time nurturing your christian walk
you're not active enough, healthy enough, pretty enough
people like her more than you.. etc.

those thoughts are so degrading and debilitating.
i think that when you experience something you have a choice as to how you interpret it. you can be offended or let it roll off your back. you can be confident in who you are, or you can doubt. you can take something as a light hearted comment or spend hours looking for the hidden meaning.

the other day i was with a friend, a very beautiful friend that most people can not say enough wonderful things about - and we bumped into someone we both know, and she commented to my friend "wow, you look great!" - now i could take this as a nice thing that is being said to my friend, or... the way that i took it that day - she looks great, and you don't. i've played that conversation over & over in my mind, and it always leaves me feeling defeated. when i could've chosen to just think it was a nice thing to be said about my friend.

i just really dislike having my mind drift more easily toward the negative. i am not totally sure how you magically become more confident. i think it starts with finding my identity in christ. thinking of myself as he thinks of me. spending less time with people or things that leave me feeling less. the hardest ones are the things that seem to seek me out to make me feel less. not sure how to fully be protected from that.

i have started playing my guitar again on a more regular basis (i go thru phases for no real reason) and i have been playing the song "beloved" - i LOVE this song. a friend of mine from university, kris, taught it to me. the first time we sang it together it gave me chills. holy spirit chills, the ones that i get when i am so overwhelmed in worship that i feel completely surrounded by Christ. it is a good reminder for me, especially when i'm feeling down or less confident.

time for more confidence. a change in perspective. time to see myself as his beloved.

lord it was you who created the heavens

lord it was your hands that put the stars in their place

lord it is your voice that commands the morning

even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet

lord who am i compared to your glory?

lord who am i compared to your majesty?

i'm your beloved

your creation

and you love me as i am

you've called me chosen

for your kingdom

unashamed to call me your own

i'm your beloved

i'm your beloved

all things sparkly.

i feel a bit "racoon-y" today
distracted by all things sparkly

i have been mulling over the idea lately of "living simply" and what the looks like.
i know many people who claim to live simply, but find that it's not that simple to always live "simply" and i don't want to make any bold statements here, only to look hypocritical later.

i have been thinking lately about the fact that i often have more than i need. so the other day i did a jewellery purge. i had found this beautiful black jewellery holder (does living simply mean no more random bargain shopping?? again, conundrum) so i decided to only keep as many necklaces as i could fit on the holder (one per "handle" of the holder) and ended up getting rid of a lot more than i realized i owned. however, i have spent a good chunk of time this morning looking at jewellery online. ahh, distracted by all things sparkly.

we just came back from a trip to vancouver to visit my dearest friends emily & thomas. and it was SO good to be with them. and as an added bonus, we got to spend some time with Gord & Janice (and atticus!) since they let us crash there on the drive to & from vancouver.

driving from winnipeg to vancouver i marvelled over the sights. the simplistic grandeur. the wind turbines dancing & swirling magically on wheat fields. the sun shining over the horizon. farms & animals. the first glimpse of the mountains. driving through the mountains. where each peak seems to be a little more majestic than the last. signs of avalanches. secluded lakes. waterfalls & streams. we were literally surrounded by breath taking creativity.

yet how quickly the sparkly distracts! once i stopped browsing the jewellery this morning, i looked out the window to discover that the tree just across from where i park my car is in full bloom. perfect new buds & leaves. in a neon shade of green. spring is here. refreshing.

while we were driving through the mountains we listened to a lot of worship music on our ipods, and one of the songs was "beautiful one" - which seemed so perfectly fitting to sing while being amazed by God's creation. natural sparkle. nothing on earth is as beautiful as him. amazing!

i think it's easier to live "simply" when we spend more time simply living. marvelling in what we have, who we have to share it with, and who gave it to us! spending more time enjoying, rather than buying new things to enjoy. i'm still learning.

beautiful one i love

beautiful one i adore

beautiful one my soul must sing

you've opened my eyes to your wonders anew

you've captured my heart with this love

because nothing on earth is as beautiful as you. 

truth.

the bravest thing

my dear sister leah gave me this card that i have in my wallet
i put it in the see through slot that normally contains your id
or a picture

i think it is a beautiful quote
and definitely an encouragement for me as i continue on this journey of trying to fully figure out who i am, who i want to be, where i've been & where i'm going. and trying to own it as best i can!

hopefully it can encourage you as well. xo

understanding

today is my 2nd last day at the personal care home

for those of you who read this, but don't yet know

i have resigned my position there

i am finally realizing (and naming) where i am right now in life

deep in grief

overstressed

working through depression

running at a pace too fast for me to keep up with

tired

unhealthy

dry

so, resigning from my job there was hard. but i believe it was necessary

a step toward healing

so i only have a few more days there with them

the residents, the seniors, the friends that i love so much

last night my job was to bring all the residents (that wanted to come) to the activity room to listen to the salvation army (sidenote: 21 residents came. the salvation army did not. so.. there i was, with my volunteer. leading a sing-a-long for an hour. with a few random solos by my volunteer. i'm going to miss moments like that)

i knocked on the door of one of the shared rooms, a husband & wife and they graciously invited me in

the room was dark, and they were both laying on their beds. i sat in the nearest chair & asked them how they were

"low"

i asked her if she wanted to tell me more. and she said:

"i just realized that my parents have both passed away. they passed away and i wasn't there. why wasn't i there?" she then went on to tell me that she was on the phone with her daughter and she had asked her if her parents were living. her daughter told her that they were not. and she told her the dates that they had passed away. this dear lady just lay on her bed, hands over her face, weeping. her husband said to me "she was there. but her mind, her illness... it makes her forget"

deaths that happened years ago, many many years ago, that were as fresh as if they had just happened.

so we sat there.

in the dark, together, weeping.

for grief that was old but so fresh.

and i just whispered to her,

"i understand, i so understand"

our grief is so different. but also the same. old, but fresh.

there is something so comforting about being with another person that can whisper "i understand" - no solutions, no fix it ideas, just understanding.

i am going to miss sharing life with these dear dear people.