5

Hard to believe it has been 5 years. 

Missing him more than ever. 

Happy birthday sweet boy. I love you. 

Love, auntie 

Deliverance

Deliver me from all of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through

Deliver me
Deliver me
Deliver me

Jesus Jesus how I trust you
How I've proved you over and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
Deliver me

Years ago my friend and I planned and lead a worship night on the theme/topic of lament and this was one of the songs we learnt for that night.

Many times I have found myself working through struggle and grief while sitting at my piano, singing and playing this song, and today yet again.

Jesus answered a prayer for deliverance today. Not through earthly healing as we would have chosen, but through another more eternal deliverance.

Today heaven embraced a new, beautiful, cancer-free angel, and her name is Audrey.

heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

mystery

I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony  when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.

My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"

God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.

High is his name, and all his works are glorious.

Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong. 

She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.

There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world 

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)

My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)

When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers. 

Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

Bread of Heaven, broken for me

Cup of salvation, held out to drink

Jesus, mystery

Christ has died and Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!

That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.

Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again. 

My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth. 

OK

OK - stands for 2 things in this post
Olga Klassen - my most wonderful grandma, who I miss constantly and am so thankful for.
and OK - is how I'm doing, today it has been one year without her, and it feels like it was just yesterday and also like it has been much longer.
i keep a picture of her hands in my office at work. they were so representative of who she is.
they were calloused from a lot of hard work. they were strong. they were used to make endless meals and buns "something to bite" (as grandpa always said..) for her family. they were serving. they were loving. they were constantly folded in prayer & thanksgiving.
one thing i really miss is how she used to hold my hand when i was telling her something serious or hard. there is so much i wish i could be telling her now. but, one thing i have no regret about, is that i have NO DOUBT that my grandma knew how much i loved her. and i know it was mutual.

here is the slide show my auntie made for grandma's funeral. watch it if you have a minute, and see a little glimpse into the life of my wonderful grandma

2 wonderful klassens.

on thursday next week it will be one year since life without grandma

i miss her so incredibly much

this year has been without her, physically

but she has left such an impact on my life

and I think on the lives of everyone in our family

we had a klassen birthday party last weekend

and we talked about grandma, and grandpa

my auntie had brought some old photo albums to give to everyone

and this was one of the pictures in my album

which made me think of both of them all that much more

we were showing the pictures to everett

pointing people out and telling him who they were

he seemed quite confused when we showed him a picture of daddy & auntie.. where we were both little kids. he said "auntie??" and "daddy??" looking at us like, really??

but the thing that stood out for me was that without any prompting

Ev kept pointing at my grandpa saying "poppa!" (what he calls my dad)

it made me smile because Ev never knew grandpa, yet he knows grandpas character

through my dad

just like my grandpa, my dad is a hard worker. with a gracious spirit

quiet strength and a LOT of patience

just like my dad, my grandpa could do anything

and always encouraged us that we can be anything

before grandpa died he asked us to do 2 things as a family

1. take care of grandma

2. stay united as a family

so much to learn from grandpa

this weekend the klassen boys are going on their annual "klassen canoe trip" although, they won't be canoeing much this weekend, since it's so cold. but they will be camping together, spending time, united, as a family. i think grandpa would be so proud

grandma has been very present in my life this year

in showing me how to live graciously

and to be a hard worker, servant hearted

and to know how to laugh easily.

i miss so much about her.

i am so thankful that they are both happy & strong in heaven

cancer free!

but I still wish they were here.

for strength to trust Him more.

today my head and heart feel a bit conflicted
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".

today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.

this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.

on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.

happy birthday cameron. you are loved!

a holy & a broken hallelujah

3 years

i wonder what you would be learning

i wonder what your voice would sound like

and how curly your hair would be

i miss you all the time

and think you would have been the best big brother

you will always be the perfect little boy that made me "auntie ash"

and the most precious kid that taught me how deep i could love

i wish i could know you

and tell you again into your ear how much i love you!

you will always be loved & missed and talked about

you changed my life forever!

sweet pea

jay benjamin

happy birthday!

after Jay was born i wrote this song. 

(well, i re-wrote words to a song)

the piano is out of tune in the recording and it's pretty raw, but it's from my heart.

here are the lyrics:

i heard there was a coming joy, the blessing of a baby boy

the joy and expectation was within me

it goes like this: week four, then fifth, the third trimester & the major gift!

and from our lips we praised with "hallelujahs"!

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

my faith was strong didn't need the proof; proclaiming Jesus on the roof

His beauty & his love, it overtook me.

He showed himself from here to there, he knew my name, he knew every hair

I praised my God and sang out "hallelujah"

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

when he was born, they tried so much...

he couldn't cry, but we held & touched

great joy & desperation flowed into us

and even though it all went wrong, we wept before our Lord of song

and from our lips we wept our hallelujahs

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

some say they join us in our pain; sometimes they smile, and say his name

my life has changed, i would not try to fool you

and even though we can't hold on

he's held by our Lord of song

he dances and plays and laughs his hallelujahs!

and even though it all went wrong

we stand and to our Lord hold on

with a holy and a broken hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

rushing

time for an honesty post

i am not ready to be off anti-depressants

when i first went on them, it was a prescription given to me by a walk-in clinic doctor. he prescribed me quite a large dose, and i became (as my grandma used to say) a "zombo" and i did not like that. i'd rather feel hard emotions than feel numb! so when i was finally able to get in to see my doctor, she lowered my dose by a third

this amount seemed good, but also had me very controlled. i'm a pretty all over the place emotional person, it's part of my charm. whatever i'm feeling, i feel more than 100%!  i think that's why i so easily speak my mind (both a blessing and a curse, depending on the day it seems!) my doctor said that she thought my struggle with depression was likely partially a chemical imbalance, partially weather related (seasonal affected disorder) and partially stress. she said that when i started to feel more like myself that i could lower the dose, and by that she meant take it every other day. it was still a larger amount, so when i took it every other day i felt great one day, and like i was dying the next. not a good method for me.

so, over the next couple of months i went down to a half dose pill, and after taking that for a month i decided to try to take it every other day. my counsellor told me not to rush it. my doctor told me not to think that i "needed" it forever. i don't know what i want or think about it all totally.

so, for the last 3 weeks i've been taking the anti-depressant pill every other day. and for the last 3 weeks i've been crying, over everything and anything! i'm not feeling overly sad or depressed about anything, just feeling emotional. i'm wondering if maybe it's due to having my emotions pent up due to the pills? anyway, the other day driving home with michael i said "i think maybe i should stick to taking the pill every day for a little longer" - to which i found out that i hadn't told michael my plan, and he had been wondering why i had been so different the last few weeks. just a wee bit more moody than normal... so he agreed with me, maybe i'm trying to rush it. not totally sure why. maybe because i know there are people in my life that think it's not good to be on medication. maybe because i want to be done struggling. maybe because i don't like taking a pill every day. maybe pride. who knows?

all i know is that i want to continue on my journey of healing and moving forward and becoming more of myself again. and there is no need to rush!

the twenty third psalm

i have been feeling down & overwhelmed the last few days. i mean, there have been many good things (including a lovely visit from my friend audrey this morning - and she was bearing gifts! never under estimate the power of a random gift! xo) but in general i have been feeling down.

i think it is due to a number of different factors. feeling better & taking on too much too soon. being asked to support others that need supporting.. when i already feel like i'm not even on my own 2 feet yet. working at organizing our home. not spending enough time in my bible & talking with God about things. figuring myself out. and also, most definitely, forgetting to refill my anti-depressants prescription. as i write this, i'm feeling dizzy & quite ill! i should definitely put myself on the automatic renewal program or try to stay on top of things better. i will be picking up my new prescription on my way home & then taking a short nap.

when i'm feeling down & worn out, the tears come easily. sad tears, happy tears, no reason tears. they just come & i think that's ok. i cry at commercials, at news articles, random obituaries, scripture verses, song lyrics, interactions with strangers. you name it, i cry for it.

last night was my last beth moore bible study for this specific study. i'm not actually done the homework, which is kind of nice because then i can extend the study in my own way. but so many of the things beth said last night brought me to tears. she focused mainly on the 23rd psalm. grandma's favorite.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod & your staff protect & comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

Beth pointed out a few things about this Psalm that I didn't know, or didn't really ever think about & each one stirred my soul.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley...

the word used for darkest valley literally means the darkest of all darkness.
the most shadowiest of shadows.
the most painful of all pain.
the most depressed of all depression.

not just death. not just darkness. but ULTIMATE darkness. not just depression, but the most depressed of all depression.

surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me...

that word pursue is used to describe the way that an enemy chases unrelentlessly - that no matter where we go, no matter how much darkness & the enemy pursues us.. goodness & mercy & unfailing love... they run faster. they keep up forever. they are always one step ahead. always.

beth talked about the enemy & his efforts against us. she said that he knows his time is short & so he is at war. he envelopes us in his darkness. in doubts & fears. in a web of lies. he does cartwheels around us to distract us from all that is good. his time is short. he wastes none of it. but God - he prepares a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. each time we choose to sit in the presence of Jesus, to pull our chair up to that feast. each time he pours oil over our heads & fills us to overflowing, each time we choose HIM - our enemy is forced to watch.

the ultimate slap in the face to the one who works every second of the day to bring me down.

Jesus - his name is like honey to my lips
his spirit is like water to my soul

restoration. that my enemy is forced to watch. victory. mercy & goodness chasing after me. running ahead with me. helping me keep up & leaving the enemy in the dust.

the one good thing about being down.. if you can call it "good" - i mean, i don't think anything is good about being down. but the best part.. is feeling again, feeling my cup be filled till overflowing. feeling the oil pour over my head. feeling restoration. feeling victory over the enemy, even with little baby steps at a time. restoration is a process. one that i'm realizing often repeats itself in my life because the enemy wastes no time trying to attack again & again. i find it lifegiving to throw it back in his face though. to choose Jesus, and to return again to the table he's prepared for me, and to force the enemy to watch.

when the man comes around

And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder: One of the four beasts saying: "Come and see." And I saw. And behold, a white horse. 
There's a man goin' 'round takin' names. An' he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won't be treated all the same. There'll be a golden ladder reaching down. When the man comes around. 
The hairs on your arm will stand up. At the terror in each sip and in each sup. Will you partake of that last offered cup, Or disappear into the potter's ground. When the man comes around. 
Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singin'. Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum. Voices callin', voices cryin'. Some are born an' some are dyin'. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come. 
And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. The virgins are all trimming their wicks. The whirlwind is in the thorn tree. It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks. 
Till Armageddon, no Shalam, no Shalom. Then the father hen will call his chickens home. The wise men will bow down before the throne. And at his feet they'll cast their golden crown. When the man comes around. 
Whoever is unjust, let him be unjust still. Whoever is righteous, let him be righteous still. Whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still. Listen to the words long written down, When the man comes around. 
Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singin'. Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettle drum. Voices callin', voices cryin'. Some are born an' some are dyin'. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come. 
the man comes around : johnny cash


today is the 1st birthday of a special little boy, the first son of friends of ours. we're going to celebrate his birthday on saturday, and he is truly sweet.


maybe a strange transition from the song lyrics above? maybe. or maybe not.


my heart is really missing another special little boy today. a special little boy that God took to be with him before i could ever drench him in my "auntie" love. something about this morning reminds me of the morning of jay's funeral. the crispness of the air. the peace in my heart - peace that was intermingled with despair. i don't think you can ever understand how those things can co-exist until you feel it for yourself. 
i remember people asking me about Jay and telling me just how beautiful they thought he was. i could still remember what he felt like in my arms & how his skin was so perfect and had that wonderful baby smell. each curl of his hair. his tiny shoulders. i remember realizing how amazing it was to have a family that is as close as ours. i realize this isn't the case for everyone, and i am so grateful for what we have. i remember walking to the graveside as a family, listening to the above song by Johnny Cash. 


the man came around. the father hen called his special little Jay home.  the hairs on my arms stood up. there was a whirlwind in my heart. 
and i could picture jay in heaven. singing his hallelujahs & playing. 
hear the trumpets
hear the pipers
one hundred million angels singing...

weeping

heal my heart & make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours

everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause

as I walk from earth into eternity

hosanna - hillsong united

this song has been in my head all morning, and it came to my head last night as i was falling asleep. last night before i finally went to bed, michael & i spent a lot of time talking about things that make our hearts hurt. pain in our own lives, pain in the lives of friends & family around us, pain in the world. i spent a lot of time just laying on our bed & crying, with puffy red eyes & red blotches around my eyes, cheeks & lips (when i really cry hard, it looks like i was punched all over my face! so attractive...)

my heart hurts for broken relationships. abandoned dreams. strongholds. sinful natures. evil forces over our minds & actions. miscommunication. judgement. arrogance. pride. shame. hurt. and as i was naming some of those things michael asked the good question about which traits we see in our own lives & struggle with. if we sit at home complaining about things going on around us, how are we any different??

over the past 2, almost 3 years, my heart has grown more cynical, and that is NOT an endearing trait about me! there are times when michael & i drive away from places & i say, "when did i become so unkind??" that is so not who i want to be.

last night as i was journaling after we talked, i was struck by the idea that these are truly the things that break God's heart. how often do i cry over the hurts & situations in the lives of myself & those around me... and it is that much more hard for God, who is PERFECT. i cry for these things knowing that i am just as sinful, just as broken. but God, he knows perfect peace. how his heart must ache.

the first night after Jay died, I remember trying to sleep, but i felt like my heart was physically aching. like i could feel it break.

God really does want our hearts to break over the things that break his heart. to not shy away from conflict or pain, but to pray for those situations, to cry with people & for people.

to provide love not judgement.
patience not pride.
compassion, not arrogance.
care, not a cold shoulder.

but again, it's a fine line. allowing my heart to break, but still walking strong in faith & trust. how do you walk forward when the hurt feels so hopeless & debilitating?

praying for perfect peace.

young at heart

apparently i feel the need to continue posting on here all afternoon.
i found this post again on the 22 words blog, and i just think it's beautiful.

Photographer Tom Hussey created these images to promote the Exelon Patch, which is supposed to help patients maintain long-term memories during the early stages of Alzheimer’s… depicting seniors seeing their younger selves in the mirror:

i find these last 3 especially moving:

elephant

not sure what i love so much about this photograph but i love it. perhaps its the feeling of abandon.

it's been a different week
in some ways i feel like some weight is lifted
in other ways i feel like i'm in a bit of a strange fog

monday was my last day at the care home. i work alone on monday evenings, so at the end of the night, i turned off the office lights, left my keys on the desk and closed that chapter of my journey - for now. i only told one of the residents that i wouldn't be returning. i said "is that ok?" and she said "no" and i said "no?" to which she replied "i already miss you during the week since you are only here 2 times. and now it will be worse!" bittersweet.

instantly i feel like i have more time, and more space
oddly enough though, i feel more like retreating inward.
seeing very few people
keeping my safe circle quite small
i feel very vulnerable

it has been good to not be on facebook so far this week.
i have read more.
studied the bible & the life of David.
baked cookies.
watched episodes of the office and laughed out loud.
taken baths.
snuggled with my husband.

i think that the medication has begun to kick in. i have been crying less, but at the same time feeling less in general. i hope that won't always be the case.

i have been thinking a lot about loss. and trauma. living in fear & anxiety. trusting Jesus, while knowing that trusting doesn't mean being exempt from hardship. wishing (sometimes) to be able to go back in time to my old naive self.

i have been following the candace derksen trial, reading articles, courtroom reports and Wilma's blog.
reading about the choice of forgiveness.
and realizing that at times i am still refusing to forgive Jesus for letting me down. for allowing such loss & devastation to come on my family and other families. my journey is far from over. and we have seen God's faithfulness. my continual struggle is my humanness, and I think that as I seek to have a heart more like His, eventually I will move to living in complete faith, with no room for fear.

Wilma wrote one blogpost called Elephant and I really like how she explained this one aspect of "trauma" because sometimes i think people who either haven't experienced great loss, or are no longer in that grieving stage don't understand how and why it is so debilitating, and for so long. maybe this will help gain a little understanding - i'm working at settling back into some type of normalcy.

Wilma writes:

During my trauma trainings, I often compare trauma to that of encountering a grizzly bear.

If a grizzly bear would come charging into this room right now, everything as we know it would stop. First of all you would stop listening to me, you would be totally focused on the bear. Some might run, some would freeze, hopefully a few might want to fight it or contain it. Meanwhile, we would be traumatized; some of you might pee your pants.

I know for one thing, none of you could sip a cup of tea, fall asleep, have a conversation with a friend. You couldn’t learn anything new, and wouldn’t be able to share an intimate moment with your partners. You couldn’t read a book… at least not till the animal was somehow contained would we carry on. And even then it would take something to settle back to any kind of normalcy.

a thursday afternoon of singing

i have had a nice afternoon

my mom brought lunch to my work, so we enjoyed that together

then i came home & caught up on my beth moore biblestudy (it's so easy to get behind.. my goal is to keep on it daily!)

and then felt like picking up my guitar again

i have played it very little since my grandma died

it became something very special to me, something that I could do for her even in the depth of her illness

a connection that she & i shared

a way i could bless her into heaven

she didn't care that i didn't know all of the chords

or only knew a couple strumming patterns

she didn't care when my guitar went out of tune

or i stopped singing while i wept

she would close her eyes & smile at the mention of heaven

God's faithfulness

flying away

glory bound...

so today i picked up my guitar

and thought of her as I saw my pile of "songs grandma likes" sitting in the case

and i sang & played until my fingers hurt.

i have decided to share 2 videos, 2 songs that are dear to me

maybe the words will resonate with where you are at

or maybe hearing my own voice sing them will give you other insight into where i'm at honestly

i hope no one thinks i'm doing this out of pride or for compliments (if that was the case i should've tuned my guitar completely.. and probably do some vocal warm ups... oops!)

just sharing my heart & my voice

Glory Bound from Ashley Thiessen on Vimeo.

glory bound:

this is me singing "Glory Bound" by the Wallin' Jennys.
The last time I sang this was at my Grandmas funeral, and I have really been missing her, so decided to sing it again.

I still remember singing it for her in the hospital. She thought it was beautiful. I think she could already hear the train...

Lord How Excellent from Ashley Thiessen on Vimeo.

lord how excellent:

this is me singing "Lord How Excellent" by Jon Buller

words that fit where I am at with life right now

understanding

today is my 2nd last day at the personal care home

for those of you who read this, but don't yet know

i have resigned my position there

i am finally realizing (and naming) where i am right now in life

deep in grief

overstressed

working through depression

running at a pace too fast for me to keep up with

tired

unhealthy

dry

so, resigning from my job there was hard. but i believe it was necessary

a step toward healing

so i only have a few more days there with them

the residents, the seniors, the friends that i love so much

last night my job was to bring all the residents (that wanted to come) to the activity room to listen to the salvation army (sidenote: 21 residents came. the salvation army did not. so.. there i was, with my volunteer. leading a sing-a-long for an hour. with a few random solos by my volunteer. i'm going to miss moments like that)

i knocked on the door of one of the shared rooms, a husband & wife and they graciously invited me in

the room was dark, and they were both laying on their beds. i sat in the nearest chair & asked them how they were

"low"

i asked her if she wanted to tell me more. and she said:

"i just realized that my parents have both passed away. they passed away and i wasn't there. why wasn't i there?" she then went on to tell me that she was on the phone with her daughter and she had asked her if her parents were living. her daughter told her that they were not. and she told her the dates that they had passed away. this dear lady just lay on her bed, hands over her face, weeping. her husband said to me "she was there. but her mind, her illness... it makes her forget"

deaths that happened years ago, many many years ago, that were as fresh as if they had just happened.

so we sat there.

in the dark, together, weeping.

for grief that was old but so fresh.

and i just whispered to her,

"i understand, i so understand"

our grief is so different. but also the same. old, but fresh.

there is something so comforting about being with another person that can whisper "i understand" - no solutions, no fix it ideas, just understanding.

i am going to miss sharing life with these dear dear people.