i have some past experiences with counselling - michael & i had pre-marital counselling with a wonderful couple. they would always make a delicious snack & the four of us would sit on couches, sipping coffee, we would ask questions or express concerns or things we were unsure about, and we always left feeling more confident than when we first got there.
in university i took a few counselling courses - one class in particular - we were sectioned off into groups of 3 - we signed confidentiality agreements, and then we would spend the 3 hours of class time being counsellors to one another. when we would get stuck, our prof (a counsellor) would step in and offer suggestions.
i think that when i first encountered this new grief - with losing my first nephew, Jay - i talked myself out of needing to see a counsellor because I "knew what they would say" - which isn't a negative thing, but rather, I thought that I could walk myself through all of that.
when i was in my university class, sometimes it felt like I had to really try to "come up" with something to share, for my classmates to 'counsel' me on - however, after the first 15 minutes, they would have uncovered a thought, or insecurity, or undealt with issue that I hadn't even been prepared to talk about! how interesting - that often when you go to deal with point A you discover that you also have point B, point C... etc!
i have officially made my first appointment to see the counsellor - and i am a
mixture of excited & fearful. excited because i am tired of living in this fog where I cry over commercials or become angry with michael over something that is not at all his fault. i am tired of ignoring my grief, and not sleeping because i feel weighed down. i am excited to take the first step towards healing. however, I am fearful. am i ready to actually face this grief that has changed my life? am i ready to face every issue/item/emotion etc that come
s up as a result? am i strong enough? am i prepared to make serious changes?
oddly enough - there is some strange comfort in sadness. in having an excuse for how you feel, or having people understand why you are not yourself. however - i am realizing it
is something that can be romanticized to keep you stuck - and that the deeper you get into it, the more you forget about freedom. grief has been an underlining theme over the past 2 1/2 years of my life - and its odd to think that i'm scared to re-learn how to be me, strange that fear can make me want to cling to the very thing that is debilitating me.
monday 10am. the first step towards a new, freer me.
4 comments:
it might sound weird - but i know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you're scared to discover yourself beyond the sadness. i've been there, and sometimes slip back, and it's a weird, tense place. so i'll pray for you that you will push on... good for you for taking the first step!
Ash, sounds to me like you've got excellent insight. And as for having or not having enough strength to walk through this next step, I have confidence for you that you will be standing even more solidly in the end, and peaceful. And not to sound at all preachy, but seriously, I think Christ strength is very much "made perfect" when we're weak. So I'm proud of you, pulling for you, and I appreciate the good example.
I will pray, and trust now for you that beyond the fog is a renewed, freer you.
I'm proud of you, and love you more than the oceans depth!
~phoebe
Ashley - I hope that this journey you about to embark on begins to reacquaint you with a life filled with joy, energy, and peace. While our experiences of sadness are different, I can relate when you say that it can be a comfortable thing. But that's a lie that Satan will try to trick you into believing. There is so much more beyond the sadness, as you've said. Hang in there, push through, take it one small chunk at a time. You are strong. You have strong people around you. You will be OK.
Love you. Ellen
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