The war is over.

Last week Michael & I went to the first (of 7) session of a course facilitated by Josh & Leah at our church (Kilcona Park Alliance) called Christianity Explored. It goes over the basics of Christianity using the book of Mark.

During the first video there was one specific line that really stuck out to me - I'm paraphrasing from memory but basically it was: calling the gospel "good news" doesn't do it justice. The news of the gospel should be as incredible as hearing the news that "war is over".

This was eye opening for me as I realized that so often I don't treat the gospel of Jesus (or the bible in general) with the urgency or gravity that it deserves.

I shared this thought with a few people since then and one said that the metaphor of war wasn't really something that was relatable to her (which makes sense since we live in Canada and we only hear about war, we don't experience it first hand.) so then I spent more time thinking about why this specific line had stuck out to me. Was it just that I get emotional over things said poetically (which I will admit has been my issue before, I can get caught up in the emotions) or what?

Well, I remembered that there was a story told by my grandpa - he dictated his life story to my mom before he died and we all have a copy (something I am very thankful for) so I came home and looked it up and here it is:

Our company was made up of three units, all equal strength and numbers. Alfred, my friend and I belonged to the third unit. The first unit was briefed in the evening and put into action during the night. We did not hear from them again. A day later the second unit got the same insturctions and left at night. The next afternoon we just happened to stand around waiting our call to the briefing when three men from unit two appeared. Without the officer's knowledge, they started to tell us about their experience the night before. When the tanks came out they knew each foxhole location and with a barrage of cannon fire from their guns, they annihilated them one at a time. These three managed to escape somehow. My spirit sank. We knew that now it was our turn, and we would be called in any moment. I determined to do my best but I knew that I would not live to see the sunrise again. I had made my peace but I had not taken God into consideration and realized only years later that he would do a mighty miracle that day.

While we were still talking to the three that had escaped, we were summoned inside and instead of last minute instructions, we were told that this part of Germany had capitulated and the war was over.

Just like in my grandpas story, because of Jesus the eternal war is over.

*if this class sounds interesting to you there is still time to join us! It is laid back and supper is provided. Thursdays at 7 till march 14!

Deliverance

Deliver me from all of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through

Deliver me
Deliver me
Deliver me

Jesus Jesus how I trust you
How I've proved you over and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
Deliver me

Years ago my friend and I planned and lead a worship night on the theme/topic of lament and this was one of the songs we learnt for that night.

Many times I have found myself working through struggle and grief while sitting at my piano, singing and playing this song, and today yet again.

Jesus answered a prayer for deliverance today. Not through earthly healing as we would have chosen, but through another more eternal deliverance.

Today heaven embraced a new, beautiful, cancer-free angel, and her name is Audrey.

heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

coming to the end of a chapter

Yesterday afternoon I officially had my LAST UNIVERSITY CLASS EVER!

I can hardly believe it.
I was even kind of sad about it as I drove away.
There is something wonderful about sitting in a classroom, learning and taking notes.
I won't miss assignments, and textbook readings.. midterms & exams though.
Nor will I miss the cost of tuition..

I can hardly believe that finally, 4 years after graduating "short" and feeling the discouragement of spending 4 years of full time school in something that now just overwhelmed me... 4 years later, I feel like I have redeemed that lost degree, and all the work that went into it, and on April 22nd I will have a diploma with my name on it!

I am going to walk across that graduating stage proudly, even if no one chose to come (although I know that I will have people there!). I did this for ME. And I'm proud of that.

People have been asking me lately what I will do now that I'm done my degree.. will I put it to use?
Well, not technically I suppose. Although I feel like a lot of what I learned in university can just be applied in life in general. But no, I will not be looking for a new job. I love my job! Running the ins & out of the church office that I work at is very fun for me. I love all the organization, and the fact that I get to order things from Staples on a regular basis (I am one of those people that loves school supply shopping.. even if I'm not going to school.. I always have to refrain from buying another pack of markers or pens, or even looseleaf! In a world that uses so much technology there is something so wonderfully simple about writing with pencil - non mechanical even - on looseleaf. Try it, it's simple bliss). I enjoy the staff that I work with, and I love the hours!

Plus, my DREAM is to one day have 2 jobs - one as a mom, and the other, working with my Mom at Women Refreshed at the Well. Plus by then I'll be living beside josh & leah. Could life get any better than that?!

So the simple answer is .. no. I won't be doing anything specific with my degree now that it's done. However, I will be celebrating the fact that I decided to just get over myself and go back to finish it.

One exam left (next Friday) and then I will be DONE.

how wonderful :)

mystery

I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony  when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.

My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"

God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.

High is his name, and all his works are glorious.

Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong. 

She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.

There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world 

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)

My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)

When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers. 

Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

Bread of Heaven, broken for me

Cup of salvation, held out to drink

Jesus, mystery

Christ has died and Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!

That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.

Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again. 

My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth. 

stories of cabbage soup

i have two things on my mind currently. well 3 actually.

1. how much my neck hurts
2. seasonal affective disorder
3. food seniors like

quite the variety hey?

1. how much my neck hurts is the thing least on my mind of the 3. but it's there. i slept funny on Sunday night, spent Monday laying down, was a bit better on Tuesday and then kept me up all night last night. well, I slept in little pockets. I woke up multiple times to either go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. One time I also woke up because I had a cat sleeping across my throat! And one time because of a ridiculous dream. But each time it was hard to lift my head off my pillow because my muscles feel so strained. Laying down doesn't really seem to help, but I have yet to master sleeping in the standing position. anyway, moving on.

2. seasonal affective disorder:

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is episodes of depression that occur at a certain time of the year, usually during winter.

People who live in places with long winter nights are at greater risk for SAD.

Symptoms usually build up slowly in the late autumn and winter months. Symptoms are usually the same as with depression:

• Increased sleep and daytime sleepiness
• Less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon
• Loss of interest in work or other activities
• Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
• Social withdrawal
• Unhappiness and irritability

Now I was reading about SAD in a magazine the other day. I have been off of my antidepressants for a good few months now and I have been feeling good. There are little bouts of struggle, but along with being on anti-depressants I think I learned a few other things that help me - being around family & a few "safe" friends, exercising, spending lots of time with Michael, spending time at home and with my cats (sounds crazy, but i really do love them, and they provide great companionship), bubblebaths and doing things I like/hobbies: cooking, baking, photography, stampin' etc., Prayer, church and being honest about where I am at. I don't feel the same as I did last year when I finally went to see someone about the depression I was in. But there are definitely more glimpses of the "symptoms" of SAD than I would openly want to admit.

The one that I struggle with most is social withdrawal. feeling unlike myself doesn't make me want to see more people, it makes me want to keep to myself. But the more I keep to myself, the more I build up the worry about seeing other people. For me, it's a vicious cycle. But for me, I have a good handful of safe friends that I can be myself entirely around. And I have great family! (and 2 nephews that are the best pick-me-up ever!) It is hard though, to try and explain to people why I don't seem to ever get together with anyone. It is hardly ever personal! (99% of the time!) But then again, all of my 'safe' friends don't really question that (at least not openly to me) so I shouldn't worry about the rest. 

I find that the more honest I am that I'm still struggling helps a lot. Even good stress is stress, and sometimes it may be effects of SAD and other times it may just be stress that is part of regular life. I try to just take life one day at a time! I am feeling very much like myself though, which is very different from last winter, and I don't take that for granted.

3. food seniors like

once a month the seniors at the church I work at get together for a "friendship group lunch". I love the seniors of this church. I have gotten to know most of them better than anyone else in the church (most other age groups aren't in the church building during the week in the daytime). They always stop to chat and always have nothing but kind things to say. I also love that they call it "friendship group lunch". I look forward to being a senior! (i'm in no rush, I just hope that I like it as much as I anticipate liking it!) 

anyway, back to the point. Every month they have the same thing, with just a slight change. Every month it is soup, a bun and some type of platz. Now, I love a good bowl of soup, but so far all of the soups have been cabbage with a few other things and spices to change it up. But every month, there it is again, cabbage soup. Reminds me of Charlie & the Chocolate factory, and how Charlies family survives on Cabbage Soup. Not my favorite. Plus, all morning it smelled like lasagna, and then.. it was cabbage soup with a few kidney beans! But, they share with me every time so I'm not really complaining.

I just wonder, do you get to a certain age where you crave cabbage soup & platz? I love baking, and I never feel the desire to bake platz. Is that "sacrilegious" as a mennonite to say that?? I enjoy a piece of platz once and awhile, but every time? Maybe I should create a suggestion box so I can put a suggestion in it once and awhile. A good coffee cake to offset the cabbage soup. no? just me??

anyway, that is my mind this afternoon. Now to run some errands and go to school, while trying to keep my neck as still as possible!

birthdays, updates and stampin'

again i will start my post by saying, it has been so long since i have written on here

i didn't even write about my hubby's birthday, or about how much i love him.. which i do, like crazy!
birthday weekend recap:
supper at old spaghetti factory with moi, where i asked the waitress what they do for birthdays and she said they'd sing, then she brought out his dessert with no fan fare.. i asked her if they were still planning on doing it... but she totally forgot. ah well. i sang to him instead.
saturday was waffle breakfast with my family,
sunday morning we had a chance to babysit ev while josh & leah went to church since his cold isn't needing to be shared with all the other kids in the nursery, and it was so awesome because the whole time ev just wanted to soak up time with 'uncle', mike played these drums for him so he could dance around (we were having a jam session, mike on drums, me on tambourine & ev on ukelele. we eventually had to end the jam sesh cuz ev got excited and did a rock & roll guitar toss...), Everett then wanted to be 'cozy' with uncle and have uncle read him book after book after book. it was such a perfect gift for michael to be able to spend so much one-on-one time with Everett. then a fun afternoon of nachos, mustaches and tv shows with josh, leah, andrew & rach
Sunday evening was supper & dessert with mike's family, and then our weekend of celebrating was over. i did however leave up the birthday streamers that I had draped all over our kitchen, so it still feels a bit like a party in our kitchen.

now the week is in full swing. i'm going to attempt to get friday off, it would be nice to have a full day at home. i miss my day off now that it is filled up with classes.

it is hard to not over commit to life, relationships & things.. especially when they are all good things. i have had to be a bit more protective over my time and that has made me feel like i come across as selfish, but i am now completely off of my medication and needing to find other ways to keep my life and emotions on a more even level. i did however, just sign up for one more thing - but, i think it is ok

i have decided to join a "stamp club" for 10 months. sounds a little nerdy maybe, not sure. also, i really think it's not totally my personality to do this completely on my own with 10 strangers. i asked a friend to join me, but she didn't accept my invite, so i'm doing this solo. it is 2 hours (7-9) one tuesday out of the month for 10 months. we get together and make cards according to the demonstration of the person leading the group (her name is kristyne, and we'll meet in her house) there is no cost, except that we each commit to spending $25 per month on product from the stampin up line. also, kristyne calls one of us the "hostess" each month so that we can get the perks of free stuff that comes with hosting on a $250+ sale of product. we also have to provide a small snack the night that we "host". i am really excited to learn some new things and also just have a relaxing 2 hours of doing crafts. i am nervous about the fact that i know none of these people (not even kristyne) but i think it also shows that i'm in a more confident space to be brave enough to just go for it. We are allowed to bring friends, and the friend just pays a $10 drop in fee to make the cards that night, so if anyone ever wants to join me, please do, i'd love it. our first meeting is november 22nd.

school is coming closer to the end of the semester. it feels like it's been going on forever. i am happy with my overall choice to finish my degree, but i am finding it a much bigger challenge than i expected. i am doing well in both classes, but i am tired and so ready to be done. I'm getting my grad pictures taken on monday! i am still loving my bible class, but there are a few people in that class that make my head hurt with all of their opinions and claims about the bible, so i'm trying to figure all of that out. for me, the most important thing is JESUS and my relationship with him. the rest of the details.. don't need to be all completely figured out in my rationalizing brain. but more on that another day.

OK

OK - stands for 2 things in this post
Olga Klassen - my most wonderful grandma, who I miss constantly and am so thankful for.
and OK - is how I'm doing, today it has been one year without her, and it feels like it was just yesterday and also like it has been much longer.
i keep a picture of her hands in my office at work. they were so representative of who she is.
they were calloused from a lot of hard work. they were strong. they were used to make endless meals and buns "something to bite" (as grandpa always said..) for her family. they were serving. they were loving. they were constantly folded in prayer & thanksgiving.
one thing i really miss is how she used to hold my hand when i was telling her something serious or hard. there is so much i wish i could be telling her now. but, one thing i have no regret about, is that i have NO DOUBT that my grandma knew how much i loved her. and i know it was mutual.

here is the slide show my auntie made for grandma's funeral. watch it if you have a minute, and see a little glimpse into the life of my wonderful grandma

thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving weekend!

for anyone wishing they had made their own thanksgiving dinner... I put up a new post on my recipe blog, outlining the whole dinner, start to finish. you can read that here.

i have had a lot on my mind lately, I often get nostalgic around holidays, and more introspective when i'm busy (which is the case right now with being in school and working) I have also been a lot more emotional (I am off my anti-depressants and have found that the tears flow a lot more frequently, and easily. but i'm ok with that right now)

This morning in church there were so many songs that brought me to tears. i think it's also because i am becoming more aware of the holy spirit and the way that he speaks to us and nudges us - i'm doing a bible study with a few girls on the fruit of the spirit and the first two weeks have had a good focus on the Holy Spirit in general, and ways that the Holy Spirit works, etc, so I have been thinking about this a lot more. Instead of a sermon this morning, the elders of the church lead a lot of sharing time, and people were able to stand up and share what they were thankful for. I have a lot to be thankful for...
my husband, 2 wonderful families, 2 nephews and another baby on the way for me to be an auntie to, a new & welcoming church family, a house that i feel warm & comfortable in, 2 cats that keep me company and make me laugh, many friends - both here and far (bc, ontario & alaska specifically), a legacy of faith within my family and especially from the examples of my grandparents, luxuries like a nice car and a bank account that is never completely empty, the freedom to vote, to worship, to have an opinion (thank goodness or I'd be in a lot of trouble most of the time! ha ha), a love for worship and a voice that I can use in that way, a plot of land that will soon have a new home beside 2 of our best friends - josh & leah, health, a lot of laughter, the chance to go back to school & graduate this year, good jobs (that we love) and the "abundance & faithfulness of christ" (as someone put it this morning in church). and so much more, i could write for days and not be done.. which reminds me of one of my favourite lines in my favourite hymn -

"could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made. were every stalk on earth a quill and everyone a scribe by trade - to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry, nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky... the love of God - how rich and pure, how measureless & strong. it shall forever more endure the saints & angels song"

my heart is filled to overflowing with thanks!

a safe day

is anyone else loving this weather?
as i type, rain is pounding down on my window
i have the window open so that i can hear it coming down
and i can smell the fresh air

i just love rainy days

it's nice to have a day like today, where i feel like i can curl up with a book and a mug of tea, and no one can say anything bad about it.
it's good timing because i feel like i need a day to curl up
a safe day
lately i've been taking things very personally
comments from a lady lacking tact
well meaning jokes misinterpreted
and other things that i have just simply taken personally when i likely shouldn't

my brother said something to me, that these things were not a reflection of me
and that was encouraging

i think i just needed today though
a perfectly rainy day
my favorite kind of day
to curl up
read
rest
sip a hot drink
pray
and maybe even nap a little

a safe day

for strength to trust Him more.

today my head and heart feel a bit conflicted
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".

today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.

this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.

on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.

happy birthday cameron. you are loved!

prince albert & banana chocolate cupcakes

friendship & transparency

in a time when it feels like there are less places to be yourself

where it is ok to struggle

or go with out makeup

where it feels like there are less people who want to be real

or ask the harder questions

when so many conversations are a struggle to bite your tongue

or where its easy to be overlooked...

in this time

it is SO good

to have a safe place

where you can be yourself

sipping coffee

oohing and ahhing over a fairytale love

asking deep questions 

over chicken balls & spring rolls

to have something to look forward to all day, all week

a time and place to relax and enjoy

whether you are 26, 29 or 37 

it is good to be among true friends.

rushing

time for an honesty post

i am not ready to be off anti-depressants

when i first went on them, it was a prescription given to me by a walk-in clinic doctor. he prescribed me quite a large dose, and i became (as my grandma used to say) a "zombo" and i did not like that. i'd rather feel hard emotions than feel numb! so when i was finally able to get in to see my doctor, she lowered my dose by a third

this amount seemed good, but also had me very controlled. i'm a pretty all over the place emotional person, it's part of my charm. whatever i'm feeling, i feel more than 100%!  i think that's why i so easily speak my mind (both a blessing and a curse, depending on the day it seems!) my doctor said that she thought my struggle with depression was likely partially a chemical imbalance, partially weather related (seasonal affected disorder) and partially stress. she said that when i started to feel more like myself that i could lower the dose, and by that she meant take it every other day. it was still a larger amount, so when i took it every other day i felt great one day, and like i was dying the next. not a good method for me.

so, over the next couple of months i went down to a half dose pill, and after taking that for a month i decided to try to take it every other day. my counsellor told me not to rush it. my doctor told me not to think that i "needed" it forever. i don't know what i want or think about it all totally.

so, for the last 3 weeks i've been taking the anti-depressant pill every other day. and for the last 3 weeks i've been crying, over everything and anything! i'm not feeling overly sad or depressed about anything, just feeling emotional. i'm wondering if maybe it's due to having my emotions pent up due to the pills? anyway, the other day driving home with michael i said "i think maybe i should stick to taking the pill every day for a little longer" - to which i found out that i hadn't told michael my plan, and he had been wondering why i had been so different the last few weeks. just a wee bit more moody than normal... so he agreed with me, maybe i'm trying to rush it. not totally sure why. maybe because i know there are people in my life that think it's not good to be on medication. maybe because i want to be done struggling. maybe because i don't like taking a pill every day. maybe pride. who knows?

all i know is that i want to continue on my journey of healing and moving forward and becoming more of myself again. and there is no need to rush!

extremes

yesterday i experienced two extremes of the people in this world

in the afternoon i drove out to the lake with my mom, it was good to spend most of the day with her. i dropped her off at auntie's place to visit, and i went to FBC where i met one of the most wonderful ladies, mary, who has graciously accepted the offer to sit across from me and listen to my ranting and raving (ok, she told me that i don't actually rant.. so that is good!)

it was so good to chat with her again. the last time i went to see her was when i was so overwhelmed in the winter. too busy & stressed to even think or take care of myself, she gave me new ways to look at my situation and new suggestions for tackling the stress in my life. she graciously waited for me to stop sobbing as she asked me the simple question "ashley, who are you?" that i found nearly impossible to answer.

this time around, we started our visit by me updating her on how i'm doing. it was good to be able to talk with confidence of where i'm at, and the healing that has been taking place. i'm not "healed" or magically leaps & bounds ahead.. grief and life are both journeys, that i don't think look the same for any 2 people. at the end of our visit she told me it was good to see the sparkle back in my eye and that she could tell i was more myself. she listened to me talk for an hour about things that are going on in my life, offering suggestions and perspectives. as we were wrapping up our visit she told me that i can feel free to email her at anytime, even just to get something off my chest. it is amazing to have such a safe place to be honest. i left our visit thinking that i am so glad God places such kind, compassionate and wise people in my life. that was the positive extreme of my day.

in the evening we came across a blatant example of the negative extreme of the world we live in! it was the birthday of a very special little guy in our lives, marcus. he turned 8 yesterday! we went to his brother's soccer game first, and then went to marcus' game after. when we got there it was half time, and we were told that they were losing by 1 point, but the worst part was that the other team was quite vicious. pushing, kicking, tripping, taunting. little 8 year olds! when the game started we were shocked to see the bullying going on. some of the players were even shouting rude names & comments at their own goalie when he let a goal in (even though the most vocal kids were the ones that were on defence.. and should have stopped the ball before it got to the goalie.. just saying!). at one point, one of the kids was being so violent and inappropriate that the ref kicked him out for the rest of the game. after some shouting, and lots of hand motions, he sat on the side lines bawling. the coach of marcus' team went over and talked to him and basically said that their team was willing to let him play again if he could play fair. so he came back on.  a little while later, we hear the whistle blow three times, the game is over, and the ref (a young girl, probably only 15 or 16) walks off. a glance at our watches makes us realize the game shouldn't be over & something happened. our friend runs over to her to talk, and finds her crying, totally defeated. and he finds out that the reason she called the game short was that parents from the other team had been yelling constantly mean things to her, so she just decided to call it quits and get out of there. our friend walked over to the parents on the other team to inform them of what just happened and to ask them what happened. to remind them that, even if you don't agree with the way the ref is reffing... there is no need for personal attacks on such a young girl. from there, it went from bad to worse. with parents from that team yelling, denying they were any part of the problem, asking the parents of our team if they "wanted to fight" (um, NO! quite the opposite, they wanted to make peace with the poor ref!) and then hi-fiving their kids for their big win.

as the other team paraded off, the kids were saying "what just happened?!" and wondering why that team of kids thought it was ok to play violently and with mean comments throughout the game. it saddened me to see adult bullies, praising their kids for the same behavior. it left me wondering what had gone on in their lives to bring out such anger and impatience. over an 8 year olds soccer game.

one thing that mary told me numerous times over our meeting was that i was only responsible for myself, for my own actions, my own words, my own reactions. that is what i can control, that is how i can set examples and act in love. in peace. in encouragement.

but how hard that can be when we want to prove the point of justice!

another day of grace. to those we love and to those we struggle to even think about loving.

dare to be remarkable

years ago my mom bought me a necklace that had a round pendant with the words "dare to be remarkable"
i loved it when i received it and still love it. i wore it a lot and often thought about those words. what could i do in life to be daring, to be ok with being different. in what ways could i fully embrace who i am and love myself in that process? dare to be remarkable.

on one trip i had the necklace in a bag with my shampoo.. which ended up spilling everywhere and tarnishing the necklace. i thought about throwing it out, and call me a hoarder or call me sentimental, but i couldn't part with it.

i came across the necklace again the other day and i can't help but think that it now represents my life even more than it did then. tarnished, "broken", imperfect, but still there. the things i've gone through over the last handful of years have changed & shaped me. i've stumbled through more valleys, and i think i've seen glimpses of mountain tops. i can still dare to be remarkable. the scars & struggles have shown me more things to be confident of within myself. my faith. my family. my perseverance. my passions. in rougher shape than when i started this life, i still have so many reasons & ways to reach for the remarkable.
hows that for inspiration on such a grey day? :)

the necklace

everything he does is suffused with grace.

"You'll take delight in God, the Mighty One, and look to him joyfully, boldly. You'll pray to him and he'll listen; he'll help you do what you've promised. You'll decide what you want and it will happen; your life will be bathed in light. To those who feel low you'll say, 'Chin up! Be brave!' and God will save them. Yes, even the guilty will escape, escape through God's grace in your life." job 22:26


God can't stand evil scheming, but he puts words of grace and beauty on display. proverbs 15:26


Look! Listen! There's my lover! Do you see him coming? Vaulting the mountains, leaping the hills. My lover is like a gazelle, graceful; like a young stag, virile. Look at him there, on tiptoe at the gate, all ears, all eyes—ready! My lover has arrived and he's speaking to me! song of solomon 2:8


Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you'll find it's graceand more grace. The moment he hears, he'll answer. isaiah 30:19a


"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace. matthew 6:6


"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." matthew 11:28


So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. 2 corinthians 4:16


All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. romans 5:20

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If you skim through most of the above scripture, at least read the one in romans (the last of the large list of scripture). it's a beautiful word picture of the saving power of grace. and the way sin has no chance against it.


i have been thinking a lot about grace today. i know that i have mentioned this before, but i will mention it again - my grandma used to start all of her prayers with "thank you Lord for another day of grace". she never took it for granted. though she could've had an unending list of requests & petitions (for health, for strength, for a cure for her sickness to name a few..) she ALWAYS started her ongoing conversations with God by acknowledging, daily, the gift of His grace. it was all about HIM. 


i remember when i started dating michael, he was all i could talk about. and i know that for a fact, because a friend of mine even told her it was driving her nuts. she felt like SHE was dating him because she knew every little thing about him. 


shouldn't that be what our relationship with christ is like? where we can hardly wait to soak in more of him, and we can't stop going on and on about him & how fabulous he is. 


i often call or text michael just to tell him that i love him & i'm thankful for him. not to call him to give him a list of things i need him to do for me, or things i need to vent or complain about (don't get me wrong, i'm 100% human, and do way too much of that!!) why isn't that how i normally approach God? 


i want to be more like my grandma. quietly strong & consistently tender. always grateful & putting others before herself. and always acknowledging God's perfect gift of grace.


i'm getting my tattoo today. in memory of my grandma. just under 7 months of losing her, and 1 month after what would have been her birthday. i'm tattooing the words "another day of grace" and striving to live in thankfulness of that gift.





God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused with grace. psalm 145:9

why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

a new day
a fresh start
a crisp morning
an email from a friend
country music on an ipod
horror stories in the newspapers

a mixture of accepting & expecting

living in but not of

it's a strange world that we live in
when we really stop to think about it

the other day a woman from my home church shared about her life
her journey with jesus
and i think she is incredible
born into hardships & many others added to her life as she lives it
but she said this
you can choose to be miserable
or you can choose not to be!
i love that.

i also love this passage of scripture (psalm 42) in the message. today i will choose to not be miserable. to fix my eyes on God. he puts a smile on my face. he's my God.

^1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek; 

   I want to drink God, 

      deep draughts of God. 

   I'm thirsty for God-alive. 

   I wonder, "Will I ever make it— 

      arrive and drink in God's presence?" 

   I'm on a diet of tears— 

      tears for breakfast, tears for supper. 

   All day long 

      people knock at my door, 

   Pestering, 

      "Where is this God of yours?" 

 ⁴ These are the things I go over and over, 

      emptying out the pockets of my life. 

   I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, 

      right out in front, 

   Leading them all, 

      eager to arrive and worship, 

   Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving— 

      celebrating, all of us, God's feast! 

 ⁵ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 

      Why are you crying the blues? 

   Fix my eyes on God— 

      soon I'll be praising again. 

   He puts a smile on my face. 

      He's my God. 

 ^6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse 

      everything I know of you, 

   From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, 

      including Mount Mizar. 

   Chaos calls to chaos, 

      to the tune of whitewater rapids. 

   Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers 

      crash and crush me. 

   Then God promises to love me all day, 

      sing songs all through the night! 

      My life is God's prayer. 

 ^9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, 

      "Why did you let me down? 

   Why am I walking around in tears, 

      harassed by enemies?" 

   They're out for the kill, these 

      tormentors with their obscenities, 

   Taunting day after day, 

      "Where is this God of yours?" 

 ¹¹ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 

      Why are you crying the blues? 

   Fix my eyes on God— 

      soon I'll be praising again. 

   He puts a smile on my face. 

      He's my God.

and i will enjoy this cup of chocolate chai tea. in this fabulous new mug. both gifts from audrey :)