motherhood & social media

there are a lot of good things about social media
I'm still connected to social media in a few ways - blogging and pinterest really
I have a facebook with no friends - so that I can use it to enter contests and other things
I occasionally read peoples tweets on twitter (but mostly just to stay up to date with my close friends jef & emily.. haha!)

I have realized over the last 8+ months of being pregnant that social media can be a good thing, but it can also make you feel insecure, make you feel like you don't measure up, make you feel like everyone wants to tell you about everything in their lives so you should want to share all of that too, that you should have a cuter nursery, read more parenting books, post more verses of scripture or songs in your house, drink green smoothies all day long etc. It is overwhelming!! I'm not even parenting yet and already there are days or times that I don't feel like I'm measuring up!

I have also realized that when you are pregnant people want to know some of the following (so I'll put my thoughts next to the questions, incase any of your are DYING TO KNOW what I think..):
- how long did you try to get pregnant (that can be a very sensitive subject for someone who tried unsuccessfully for months or years. we are thankful that was not our situation, and we know we are very blessed and fortunate that we did not have that struggle that some of our friends have had.)
- are you going to do MSS screening (to find out if your child has special needs - and in some peoples cases - to decide whether or not to terminate the pregnancy - We did not want to do this test.)
- are you going to find out the gender of the baby (we did - altho some people have made it clear to me with their reactions that they don't approve of that - oh well, I like being prepared!)
- if you did find out the gender - are you telling? (we aren't - I like the element of surprising all of our friends at the end of the 9 months! But I have no issue with those who decide to tell!)
- are you going to breastfeed? exclusively? (I will do my best! But I think there are times when Moms need to use formula - and I think they are just as wonderful mothers!)
- are you going to use cloth diapers? (no we are not - Michael made it clear that he had no interest in changing a cloth diaper - and I was on the fence, leaning toward disposable.. so it was a pretty easy decision. But, telling some people this answer has left them with a GASP look on their faces. From what I have read - there are pros and cons to both sides of the argument, and in all honesty - I have no interest in being part of that argument. I say, do what works for you - and if your baby is happy - we have success)
- are you going to labour "naturally"? (aka no medication) For the record - I think medication or not, it is all natural. It is still a baby coming out of your body - whether it is vaginally, by c-section, with no medication or with an epidural - it's still a baby coming out of you!! I am going to attempt to do a medicine free vaginal birth - but I have read about all the medication options and the procedure of a c-section.
- are you going to have a birth plan? Nope (or at least not a written one) - my plan is this - be educated and then trust that the doctor I chose to walk me through my pregnancy is more than qualified to make good decisions/suggestions for my care during my labour.
- doula? midwife? birthing center? (This one is a hot topic these days!! I only wanted a doctor - and I was only going to birth at a hospital. Birth is too fragile of a thing for me to not want to be surrounded by doctors/nurses/and all the necessary tools. As for a doula - when Michael and I talked about it, he felt as though a doula would be doing his job - and he wanted his job to be his. I loved that answer. Instead of a doula, I'm having Michael and my Mom as my support people and I feel like this is the best choice for me!!)
- Ok, so how about parenting - attachment parenting? baby wise? somewhere in between? (this is the other "hottest" topic in my opinion, because everyone has an opinion and a method. To be honest - we have LOVED being able to be an Auntie & Uncle to Josh & Leahs kids and to watch how they parent. We love how they treat their kids, how they respect them and how they have a "schedule" but it isn't rigid. My opinion with parenting "technique" is my same as with diapers - do what works for you, happy mom, happy baby - success. Leah read the book Secrets of the Baby Whisperer - and passed it onto me - I like it because it is more inbetween the "extremes" of parenting - and it seems like something that will work for me. Trial and error I suppose..)

I guess my main point of this rant is this - there are a lot of things out there (blogs, pinterest, facebook, twitter and pregnancy forums) that can make me doubt myself and get anxious - but the best advice I've been given is to just trust myself - and to have a few "safe" people that I can confide in about the struggles, and people that I can ask about how they did things etc. I am surrounded by a multitude of wonderful mothers - maybe it's time to focus more on them and what we do have, then to compare to people I (often) don't even know and allow myself to doubt!

Social media - it can be good, but for me, it's something I need to guard against.

4 weeks today until my due date - and this baby is going to be in my care, in my house, and will be my baby! Trusting myself, praying, and a good support system is the key to success I think :)

Here are 2 pictures of me from today incase any of you were wondering if my belly is growing - it really is! This baby is running out of room...

hold on to me as a we go...

I'm not sure how many other people still watch American Idol, but I do even though after Taylor Hicks won I swore I would NEVER watch again...
This past season was probably my favorite of all the seasons. The judges are more positive and give more constructive criticism as opposed to just being grumpy (aka simon cowell). It was also my favorite season because I was so happy with who won.. a guy named Phillip Phillips (maybe I'll name our baby Thiesse Thiessen, since the double name seemed to work for Phillip). He was my favorite because it was so obvious that he was there because he loved making music, he loved performing because it meant he got lost in the music - he wasn't there to be "adored" or praised for what he did (although that's a nice bonus I'm sure). He was there to just be who he was, and express himself through this creative outlet of music. And he had one of the most attractive qualities a person can have (in my opinion) - a humble spirit. When they announced that he won, he had to sing his new single - Home - and it was emotional to watch (and apparently something I get emotional talking about.. pregnant much?) because he was just so humbled at the support for who he truly is, that he couldn't even make it through singing the whole song and he ended up walking off the stage to cry with his family.
By far my favorite TV moment of 2012.

Anyway, this song has become one of my favorites and it came on this morning when I was watching the weather channel as I was getting ready for the day, and has been playing in my mind since then. I'm  in the process of making a mix CD of songs that make me think about our little baby, and this journey of preparing to be parents and just these months of anticipation and fun. I intend to listen to it in the car during the last few weeks before my due date, and if I decide to listen to music when I'm in labour (I'm undecided as to whether I'll find music enjoyable or annoying when I'm in pain.. time will tell) then it will be part of that mixture of songs. I decided this morning that this song, Home, is going on that mix - partially because I just love it and how it sounds, but also because of a lot of the words.

Recently I have been starting to have some thoughts (I was going to say doubts, or fears, or concerns.. but those all sound like such downers) about what it will really be like to take on the role of being a mom, and being parents, Michael & I together. No one gives you permission to become a parent, no one can really tell you what to do, or fully prepare you for this huge (and amazing) new role. I'm gathering that it is a lot of trial and error. I have been having a lot of dreams lately, and the other day the main thing in my dream was that my baby was born but I kept living life as if it wasn't. I would get up and leave for the day, and I went days without feeding or changing my baby. I woke up in a bit of a panic!

I've always known I want to be a mom, and that I think Michael will be an awesome Dad. We have wonderful examples, especially in our parents and Josh & Leah. We are so excited for this all to really start - but it is also completely new territory. So many unknowns which is both the exciting and terrifying thing about it!

I am very aware that Satan likes to take our doubts and our personal weaknesses and blow them out of proportion. He likes to make me wonder if I can even do this at all! But, I am confident in who I am, in who God made me to be, in Michael, in our support of family & friends. And well, I love this baby so much, and if I'm terrible at everything else, at least it will know it is completely and utterly loved!

So, back to the song, Home - I feel like the words play into all of this journey for me - "hold onto me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road... don't pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear... just know you're not alone, I'm going to make this place your home."

I am so looking forward to this new stage of life being home.

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

does this make anyone else cry? no? just me? oh well :)

where the Spirit of the Lord is...

I was thinking of alternate titles for this post, and the other one that seemed to fit best was: freedom, my grandma & my pregnancy... so that will be my other working title :)

I am officially in the middle of my 5th month of pregnancy, on Thursday I will officially be 21 weeks. We have had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, which was amazing (and I am fortunate enough to get a second one next week - the baby wouldn't cooperate & give us some good pictures of their heart, so we had a second ultrasound scheduled 2 weeks later in hopes that this baby will move from it's current breech position). We have set up the nursery, gender specific. We have had a "gender reveal" party to those we are telling (our parents & siblings only). I have felt the baby move, my cats have a weird 6th sense that they know I'm pregnant (I'm convinced of this, and reading things on the internet confirms that other cats are acting the exact same way mine are to their pregnant owners). We are practicing calling the baby by it's potential name and we are spending time talking about the baby and praying for this baby.

so, the connection to the second title of my blog post is because of this. My pregnancy has made me miss my grandma so much more. I am feeling the loss of not being able to tell her I'm pregnant and to have her call me to get updates. I am feeling the sadness of knowing my baby will never be held by their omi, who had the world's perfect legs for baby holding, since they were so long! Everett used to lay out completely on grandma's legs. If I did that.. the baby's head would be hanging off the end of my legs! I miss so much about my grandma.

Today I was caught up in a bittersweet memory of an experience that only I had. When my grandma was sick, very sick at the end especially, I used to bring my guitar either to the hospital or to her condo, and sit and play for her & sing while she either slept or just listened. I only really sang worship songs and hymns, and at certain parts, grandma would say "yes" or just nod along and smile. today at my piano I sat down & flipped to a random spot in my song binder and came across this one that swept me back into this memory

Freedom:


where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom


freedom reigns in this place
showers of mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
Jesus reigns in this place
showers his mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom


if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom

I remember sitting on the chair beside my grandma's hospital bed and singing this song. I remember her with her eyes closed and saying "yes" many times in this song. I remember her praying, thanking God for another day of grace and for his freedom. I remember her lifting her eyes to heaven and longing for more of Jesus. I remember how she lived in his freedom and exhibited his grace and love. I remember her and I so badly wish that one day my baby could learn these things from watching grandma.

I am thankful for these memories, and for the example of my grandma. I am also thankful for this freedom, these showers of mercy and grace that are falling...

falling on every face, there is freedom.

a friend in all kinds of weather

I seem to be a fair-weather friend to writing.

I write when I need to, when I want to, and I don't write if I am busy or preoccupied or tired.

As far as blogging is concerned, that's really ok. I don't have to write on here, I do so because it's a creative outlet for me, and since I like reading the blogs of friends of mine, I figure why not write on here as I feel like it.

However, I feel like I am not writing enough in general. I used to want to be an author just because I loved putting words together and loved how it felt & sounded to type. I love the click-clack of a typewriter and even a keyboard. (one "downside" of macs - in my opinion - is the virtually silent keyboard. Didn't they know of my love for the click-clackiness of it, and consider that before catering to most peoples preferences?! ha) I would never pursue being a writer for the same reasons I would never pursue being a photographer (and I also think partially why I decided to not pursue the job in music that I went to school for). Just because you love something doesn't mean it's the right fit for a job. (Which, I should clarify doesn't mean you shouldn't love your job. I am a secretary and love it!)

With photography and writing and music I do it because I love it.
Having a career in it, for me, would demand things to happen a certain way, on a certain schedule, with certain amounts (or in HUGE amounts.. in my mind) of pressure. And my creative side does not thrive under those conditions. My creativity, much like the rest of my personality is stubborn to the core.

So I photograph for fun, but would never do a wedding, or something that can't be "redone". Not because I don't think I could do it, but because it takes some of the fun out and replaces it with pressure to be a certain way.

With music, I decided not to pursue music therapy (for many reasons) and to just sing, play piano and play the guitar for the love of it, and for fun, and in worship.

And with writing.. I love to write as it comes to mind. To open up the page in my journal, to take out a sheet of looseleaf, to open to the composing page on my blog and just start writing.. see where it takes me. Sometimes I have a topic or point in mind, but other times, the times I feel most like I'm writing just as myself, it just comes on its own.

But writing for me also helps me with my prayer life, and in that way, I would like to become less of a fair weather friend, and more of a companion. I do also pray without writing it down, but there is also something unique about prayer thru writing.

One of my favourite things to do occasionally when I write out my prayers is to just start writing without formulating my thoughts first. Sometimes I am surprised (not sure if that's totally the right word) to re-read it when I'm done writing and see the conversation that was going on between God & I. Sometimes my writing is not in first person, and it's like God doing the writing.

It seems the busier I get, the less time I make for things like that. And shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't that be the first thing I go to, and put other, non-important things to the side? I'm a work in progress.. so I'm learning.

so here's to writing, to conversations and to creativity. It is good to just let myself be me.

a favorite hobby

I will never forget the first conversation I had with a girl I became friends with on the School of Discipleship program. We were doing one of those get to know you things, and when her and I first started talking we asked the regular questions, name, where you're from etc. and then she asked me what my favorite hobby was. Hmm.. I have a few, singing, music of any kind, photography, reading, being with friends etc. I asked her and she said "well, I have one main hobby. My favorite thing to do in the world is.. exercise."

get out! That does not even rank in my top 50 favorite "hobbies". Nor would I ever classify it as a hobby. Things I do enjoy that could fall into the exercising category (although I don't love doing them till I'm extremely sweaty, which to me is the mark of an awesome work out):

- going for a walk with my hubby, my sisters, my family, or a good friend
- going for a bike ride, especially at the lake
- swimming (although I am a terrible swimmer)
- walking on the treadmill only if I'm watching TV or a movie or something, that way I don't feel too bad about watching tv for so long

I should also admit that I like wearing my exercising clothes or runners around the house because it makes me feel "sportier" than I actually am. for me, the best part about exercising, is looking the part and feeling awesome that I actually made myself go thru with it after.  But that friend of mine.. she genuinely loves exercising. And not to be skinny, or to change how she looks, which I would say is the motivation for a lot of people. But she loves exercising because she just physically enjoys exerting herself like that. She's kinda like a toddler (bear with me, this isn't an insult!) who loves to just run around.. FOR FUN.

I was thinking about her yesterday when I was drinking some water after I had finally convinced myself to do the prenatal pilates video of Leah's that I'm trying out. I did a few of the segments (the video is broken up into a few 10 minute workouts) and had ended working on my buns and thighs (the phrase buns & thighs for some reason makes me have the mental image of richard simmons on the "sweatin to the oldies" vhs that my mom had years ago..). It always feels good to have accomplished something. To feel your muscles ache after working them out, especially muscles you didn't know you had. I stood there thinking how nice it would be to actually consider exercising among my favorite hobbies.

Oh well, at least if it's not my hobby, I get the extra satisfaction of pushing myself to do it, and accomplishing that goal. And who knows, maybe you all won't be able to recognize me in a few months because you'll be thinking "who's that pregnant lady with those amazing buns!"

ya, that'll be me. so for now I'm just giving you a heads up :)

coming to the end of a chapter

Yesterday afternoon I officially had my LAST UNIVERSITY CLASS EVER!

I can hardly believe it.
I was even kind of sad about it as I drove away.
There is something wonderful about sitting in a classroom, learning and taking notes.
I won't miss assignments, and textbook readings.. midterms & exams though.
Nor will I miss the cost of tuition..

I can hardly believe that finally, 4 years after graduating "short" and feeling the discouragement of spending 4 years of full time school in something that now just overwhelmed me... 4 years later, I feel like I have redeemed that lost degree, and all the work that went into it, and on April 22nd I will have a diploma with my name on it!

I am going to walk across that graduating stage proudly, even if no one chose to come (although I know that I will have people there!). I did this for ME. And I'm proud of that.

People have been asking me lately what I will do now that I'm done my degree.. will I put it to use?
Well, not technically I suppose. Although I feel like a lot of what I learned in university can just be applied in life in general. But no, I will not be looking for a new job. I love my job! Running the ins & out of the church office that I work at is very fun for me. I love all the organization, and the fact that I get to order things from Staples on a regular basis (I am one of those people that loves school supply shopping.. even if I'm not going to school.. I always have to refrain from buying another pack of markers or pens, or even looseleaf! In a world that uses so much technology there is something so wonderfully simple about writing with pencil - non mechanical even - on looseleaf. Try it, it's simple bliss). I enjoy the staff that I work with, and I love the hours!

Plus, my DREAM is to one day have 2 jobs - one as a mom, and the other, working with my Mom at Women Refreshed at the Well. Plus by then I'll be living beside josh & leah. Could life get any better than that?!

So the simple answer is .. no. I won't be doing anything specific with my degree now that it's done. However, I will be celebrating the fact that I decided to just get over myself and go back to finish it.

One exam left (next Friday) and then I will be DONE.

how wonderful :)

be still.

today is one of those days when there seems to be a lot going on
or at least a lot of running from one thing to the next.
work this morning - then going to pick up some pottery that I painted with my mom & sister in law - then going to class - then dropping off the movie that we rented last night (did you know there are some bestbuy kiosks in 7-11 that still let you rent movies? we rented the newest twilight movie last night, for 1.99!) - then home for a bit - then to Josh & Leahs (this is the part I'm looking forward to most today! Getting to spend some time with my nephews!)

It's just a full day. I also have lots on my mind - it's been one of those weeks where it seems like my mind is going a mile a minute. It's interesting how it seems like my mind isn't sleeping like it should be.. seems like a million things are flying through at once..

I was just looking out the window, and big fluffy snowflakes are falling down. And things are good. Things may be full, and there is a lot going on, but I am not complaining. Things are good. I would just like to be spending the rest of the afternoon at a coffee shop with a good book or a good friend, and just spend some time being still. It's just one of those days.

mystery

I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony  when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.

My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"

God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.

High is his name, and all his works are glorious.

Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong. 

She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.

There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world 

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)

My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)

When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers. 

Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

Bread of Heaven, broken for me

Cup of salvation, held out to drink

Jesus, mystery

Christ has died and Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!

That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.

Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again. 

My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth. 

stories of cabbage soup

i have two things on my mind currently. well 3 actually.

1. how much my neck hurts
2. seasonal affective disorder
3. food seniors like

quite the variety hey?

1. how much my neck hurts is the thing least on my mind of the 3. but it's there. i slept funny on Sunday night, spent Monday laying down, was a bit better on Tuesday and then kept me up all night last night. well, I slept in little pockets. I woke up multiple times to either go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. One time I also woke up because I had a cat sleeping across my throat! And one time because of a ridiculous dream. But each time it was hard to lift my head off my pillow because my muscles feel so strained. Laying down doesn't really seem to help, but I have yet to master sleeping in the standing position. anyway, moving on.

2. seasonal affective disorder:

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is episodes of depression that occur at a certain time of the year, usually during winter.

People who live in places with long winter nights are at greater risk for SAD.

Symptoms usually build up slowly in the late autumn and winter months. Symptoms are usually the same as with depression:

• Increased sleep and daytime sleepiness
• Less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon
• Loss of interest in work or other activities
• Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
• Social withdrawal
• Unhappiness and irritability

Now I was reading about SAD in a magazine the other day. I have been off of my antidepressants for a good few months now and I have been feeling good. There are little bouts of struggle, but along with being on anti-depressants I think I learned a few other things that help me - being around family & a few "safe" friends, exercising, spending lots of time with Michael, spending time at home and with my cats (sounds crazy, but i really do love them, and they provide great companionship), bubblebaths and doing things I like/hobbies: cooking, baking, photography, stampin' etc., Prayer, church and being honest about where I am at. I don't feel the same as I did last year when I finally went to see someone about the depression I was in. But there are definitely more glimpses of the "symptoms" of SAD than I would openly want to admit.

The one that I struggle with most is social withdrawal. feeling unlike myself doesn't make me want to see more people, it makes me want to keep to myself. But the more I keep to myself, the more I build up the worry about seeing other people. For me, it's a vicious cycle. But for me, I have a good handful of safe friends that I can be myself entirely around. And I have great family! (and 2 nephews that are the best pick-me-up ever!) It is hard though, to try and explain to people why I don't seem to ever get together with anyone. It is hardly ever personal! (99% of the time!) But then again, all of my 'safe' friends don't really question that (at least not openly to me) so I shouldn't worry about the rest. 

I find that the more honest I am that I'm still struggling helps a lot. Even good stress is stress, and sometimes it may be effects of SAD and other times it may just be stress that is part of regular life. I try to just take life one day at a time! I am feeling very much like myself though, which is very different from last winter, and I don't take that for granted.

3. food seniors like

once a month the seniors at the church I work at get together for a "friendship group lunch". I love the seniors of this church. I have gotten to know most of them better than anyone else in the church (most other age groups aren't in the church building during the week in the daytime). They always stop to chat and always have nothing but kind things to say. I also love that they call it "friendship group lunch". I look forward to being a senior! (i'm in no rush, I just hope that I like it as much as I anticipate liking it!) 

anyway, back to the point. Every month they have the same thing, with just a slight change. Every month it is soup, a bun and some type of platz. Now, I love a good bowl of soup, but so far all of the soups have been cabbage with a few other things and spices to change it up. But every month, there it is again, cabbage soup. Reminds me of Charlie & the Chocolate factory, and how Charlies family survives on Cabbage Soup. Not my favorite. Plus, all morning it smelled like lasagna, and then.. it was cabbage soup with a few kidney beans! But, they share with me every time so I'm not really complaining.

I just wonder, do you get to a certain age where you crave cabbage soup & platz? I love baking, and I never feel the desire to bake platz. Is that "sacrilegious" as a mennonite to say that?? I enjoy a piece of platz once and awhile, but every time? Maybe I should create a suggestion box so I can put a suggestion in it once and awhile. A good coffee cake to offset the cabbage soup. no? just me??

anyway, that is my mind this afternoon. Now to run some errands and go to school, while trying to keep my neck as still as possible!

being me?

ever feel like you're stuck between two worlds?
sometimes i feel young, like I am just on the cusp of so many new beginnings
and other times I find myself feeling older than my 26 years

I guess I am somewhat of a mixture of the two
just sometimes i feel like i should spend a lot of time explaining myself rather than just being myself. however, that could likely just be my own insecurity.

with the new year about to start in just a couple of days i've been thinking about the idea of resolutions. some years i've made more "extreme" resolutions (one year i didn't eat fries, chocolate or drink pop for the whole year... the year was not as tasty as it could be!!) and other years i don't even give it a second thought to even contemplate making any. this year i'm thinking, maybe i should make a resolution to find ways to just be me - to enjoy it and to grow in confidence.

i'm feeling like this is making more sense in my head...

time for bed!

on a different note.. my husband is the world greatest drummer.
super talented & just loves playing. watching him makes me smile the whole time. he is great!

on the verge of an opera induced breakdown!

ok it's official
i'm on the verge of a school induced stress meltdown
today i feel like I could cry about anything and everything!
tomorrow is the dreaded exam and I just have not put as much work and time into it as I should
I find it very hard to pour hours & hours into something that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, BUT, I also want to do well.
right now I'm feeling overwhelmed at the fact that I will be up till the wee hours tonight studying, and then again in the morning. Michael is driving me to my exam so that I can keep studying in the car on the way there, and also so we can go on a date afterward
tomorrow evening I will be school free (until January!)
I will be attempting to appeal the music course that I'm signed up for next semester, and if that goes my way.. I will only have 1 biology course left (I have never been so excited about biology in my life. mainly due to the fact that it's not a music history course)
I don't think I'd be as stressed if my exam didn't require me being able to know:
45 songs (he plays a 30 second clip and then you have to know the name, composer, year, genre & 4 musical things about it)
129 terms & composers (you need to know 4 things about each)
and then an essay (8 potential topics, 4 will be on the exam & you have to write 1) the essay requires 25 points, however, if you don't mention something that he would have.. you won't get full marks, so it also requires some slight mind reading skills.

ah. and he hasn't given our marks back for our presentations or papers... so I really have no clue where I'm at (so far I know that I have 22.5% out of a potential 30 (from past tests)...

i'm looking forward to next week. to reading for fun. to cleaning my house. to spending time with michael that doesn't include my notes & text books. to finishing christmas shopping & prep. to blogging & catching up on friends blogs. to being at starbucks & mountain bean for fun & not for memorizing facts. to relaxing!

right now this is life at our house:

 my cat supervises my studying. i know I've successfully studied for hours when he comes & lays directly on my notes. he does not appreciate being neglected!

multiple blankets. heating pads. lap tables. and notes. everywhere.

I have 27 1/2 hours until I write the exam. so.. in less than 30 hours I will be back to normal. I suppose I can handle that...

christmas & school don't mix

it is december and the end of the school year is in sight!!
monday is my last day of classes - and on that day I have a major paper due in one class (topic still to be chosen.. been having a hard time, even though the topic is "anything relating to 19th century music" I am not a fan of such broad topics) - 3 smaller papers (1-2 pagers) in the other class, and a "quiz" (in my bible class we don't have an exam during the regular exam time. just a shorter quiz)

so the end is near, but it's getting worse before it's getting better. this weekend will be filled with research, paper writing and studying.

but it's the christmas season! and I feel like I'm being gypped of the start of it. thankfully my friend Audrey & I had our "christmas launch party" last night - which consisted of starbucks christmas drinks, peppermint middles oreo cookies, listening to stille nacht (ok that was by chance in starbucks, but still - check!), chatting, crocheting (on my part) and watching The Holiday. I also wore my "festive sweater" to make it complete.

I feel a bit like the picture up top. about to step into the christmas spirit, but then I just want to put everything else (aka school) on the shelf so I can spend time with family and friends, going to plays and dinners, singing carols, making gingerbread and celebrating Jesus's birth. But the more I avoid my school to-do list.. the more stressed I am, and that is not what I want this season to be about!

only a few more days..

in the meantime, I will get even more into the holiday spirit by listening to christmas music constantly. my favorite cd so far this year is...

 You can download it for $10 on iTunes, you should do it! It will fill your home with wonderfully enjoyable Christmas tunes. or check it out on: www.sheandhim.com
(Vocals, piano & ukele by Zooey Deschanel, Vocals, Guitar & Organs by M. Ward)

food for thought.

i have been thinking a lot lately about how we approach, read & "accept" the bible
do we take it at face value?
do we interpret it?
do we pick & choose what to believe?
do we pick & choose what is "literal" and what is "symbolic" or a "suggestion"?

I am taking a course at CMU this semester called "The Problem of Evil in a Biblical Perspective" but really it should be called, the "class of questions, debates and opinions" and that is both a good thing and a frustrating thing. I realize that it is quite hard to definite terms like "evil" because it can be quite subjective, also, some things don't seem "evil" when compared to something else that is much worse. Also, there are so many different circumstances, situations and opinions to consider. For me, what ever is not from God is evil. God created EVERYTHING. but sin.. that is not God. But then we run into the question, well, what defines SIN. it is strange how something can be so simple yet so complicated.

I think it is good to learn things, and to have debates and to experience things that challenge your faith. it helps make it stronger and helps me to really figure out exactly what I believe. But, at the same time, I really struggle when having conversations with other Christians, who take the bible to mean something totally different than I do. For example, I realized this week (in more than one situation) that people believe that Genesis is a myth. a nice story, but not truth. and not only that, but some people also think that Job is a myth and that Jonah is a myth. what? that just doesn't sit right with me.

genesis starts with "in the beginning" it doesn't start with "heres a nice story" or "once upon a time". This is God's word, and if we can pick and choose which books of the bible are "true" and which are "myths", then what makes us think that any of it is true?

my teacher explained in class that in some ways, Genesis is a "myth" (to which my jaw dropped open and I was already mentally preparing my email to the advisory board at the school..) but then he went on. In a "literary" way, yes, Genesis is a myth. Because a "myth" used to mean a story that was used to make a point, as in, the point was God created everything, but Genesis doesn't include a detailed time line (for instance, how long was adam in the garden before he actually met Eve? how long did it take him to name all the animals? how many years passed before A & E ate the apple? where did the other people come from - cain's wife - etc.) the details aren't the important part. so yes, in a literary term, Genesis can fall under the category of myth. But, now a days, myth is used for "mythology" or stories, or untrue fables. and some people are lumping that together with how they view Genesis. I just really struggle with all of that from other Christians. We are reading the same book, we are serving the same God... how do we come to such a different conclusion?

I also had a conversation with a girl named Kat this week.. and she & I began talking about Genesis (through no prompting of my own.. seems like God has just been bringing it all up in different conversations around me) and she made a point that I had never thought about before. In genesis it says that God took Adam and placed him in the garden, to work in it and care for it. But, "working" in that sense was not the same as the way we "work" now (one of the differences since the fall). Kat pointed out to me that Adam was in charge of tending to this place of meeting, this holy sanctuary so to speak. Adam was in charge of caring for it, because that is where God came and met with him. Not only met with him, but WALKED with him through the garden. God put Adam there to care for their meeting place, their hang out. how cool, that Adam has such an intimate relationship with God - they just hung out together! I love it. And, through my own experience of relationship with God.. and how real it is, it makes it even harder for me to believe that God "made up" those intimate relationships with Adam and Job.

Food for thought I suppose...

birthdays, updates and stampin'

again i will start my post by saying, it has been so long since i have written on here

i didn't even write about my hubby's birthday, or about how much i love him.. which i do, like crazy!
birthday weekend recap:
supper at old spaghetti factory with moi, where i asked the waitress what they do for birthdays and she said they'd sing, then she brought out his dessert with no fan fare.. i asked her if they were still planning on doing it... but she totally forgot. ah well. i sang to him instead.
saturday was waffle breakfast with my family,
sunday morning we had a chance to babysit ev while josh & leah went to church since his cold isn't needing to be shared with all the other kids in the nursery, and it was so awesome because the whole time ev just wanted to soak up time with 'uncle', mike played these drums for him so he could dance around (we were having a jam session, mike on drums, me on tambourine & ev on ukelele. we eventually had to end the jam sesh cuz ev got excited and did a rock & roll guitar toss...), Everett then wanted to be 'cozy' with uncle and have uncle read him book after book after book. it was such a perfect gift for michael to be able to spend so much one-on-one time with Everett. then a fun afternoon of nachos, mustaches and tv shows with josh, leah, andrew & rach
Sunday evening was supper & dessert with mike's family, and then our weekend of celebrating was over. i did however leave up the birthday streamers that I had draped all over our kitchen, so it still feels a bit like a party in our kitchen.

now the week is in full swing. i'm going to attempt to get friday off, it would be nice to have a full day at home. i miss my day off now that it is filled up with classes.

it is hard to not over commit to life, relationships & things.. especially when they are all good things. i have had to be a bit more protective over my time and that has made me feel like i come across as selfish, but i am now completely off of my medication and needing to find other ways to keep my life and emotions on a more even level. i did however, just sign up for one more thing - but, i think it is ok

i have decided to join a "stamp club" for 10 months. sounds a little nerdy maybe, not sure. also, i really think it's not totally my personality to do this completely on my own with 10 strangers. i asked a friend to join me, but she didn't accept my invite, so i'm doing this solo. it is 2 hours (7-9) one tuesday out of the month for 10 months. we get together and make cards according to the demonstration of the person leading the group (her name is kristyne, and we'll meet in her house) there is no cost, except that we each commit to spending $25 per month on product from the stampin up line. also, kristyne calls one of us the "hostess" each month so that we can get the perks of free stuff that comes with hosting on a $250+ sale of product. we also have to provide a small snack the night that we "host". i am really excited to learn some new things and also just have a relaxing 2 hours of doing crafts. i am nervous about the fact that i know none of these people (not even kristyne) but i think it also shows that i'm in a more confident space to be brave enough to just go for it. We are allowed to bring friends, and the friend just pays a $10 drop in fee to make the cards that night, so if anyone ever wants to join me, please do, i'd love it. our first meeting is november 22nd.

school is coming closer to the end of the semester. it feels like it's been going on forever. i am happy with my overall choice to finish my degree, but i am finding it a much bigger challenge than i expected. i am doing well in both classes, but i am tired and so ready to be done. I'm getting my grad pictures taken on monday! i am still loving my bible class, but there are a few people in that class that make my head hurt with all of their opinions and claims about the bible, so i'm trying to figure all of that out. for me, the most important thing is JESUS and my relationship with him. the rest of the details.. don't need to be all completely figured out in my rationalizing brain. but more on that another day.

music brain

i have music on the brain

and my brain is tired!

with michael away all weekend I tried to fill up all of my time studying
i have my dreaded music history (studies in 19th century music) midterm tomorrow
my prof is a musical genius. he knows everything there is to know about music history, and i genuinely think that every day that he gets to teach, his head pops off his pillow with excitement that he gets to share his love of music with another sleepy eyed class. that's probably what gives him the energy to bike to school on the coldest days (and he bikes in jeans, a dress shirt and a blazer. the best!)
sadly, my head does not pop off the pillow with the same enthusiasm
i'm probably the one "music student" that strongly dislikes the study of music
but i want to finish my degree, and 2 music history courses are standing in my way, so i've chosen to just take them, head on. but i'm just tired.

we finally convinced my prof to give us a list of terms & composers to learn for the test. his first answer was "but then you will only learn those terms. i want you to know the whole text book!" hmm not going to happen! Instead he gave us about 40 terms/composers and 19 songs to learn as well. we have a listening portion as part of the test, he plays a 30 second clip and you have to identify the title, composer, year, genre & 4 characteristics of the piece. more than one of the 19 pieces we have to know is over an hour long... it's been a long weekend!

in just over 12 hours I will be writing the exam, and I will be so glad when it is over. i want to do well, but right now i'm frazzled. i have been having to take breaks, or else my eyes just glaze over my cue cards. right now i'm typing as i listen to one of the hour long pieces.

my plan is to try and be in bed around 10:30, wake up around 6, get a big starbucks americano, drive to the school, and glaze over my cue cards right up until the minute my prof says we can start writing. i'm a crammer all the way :)

cue cards and coffee. necessities for music students.

hope everyone else's weekend has been more fun.

one of those days

I'm having one of those days
the kind of days that you'd either like to skip ahead so they are over
or go back in time to start them over again
a few things, struggles, conversations, situations, have caused me some anxiety and disappointment this week
i feel like i fell asleep last night with too many of these thoughts in my head, because i had a night full of dreams that felt very real, and were very sad, that i woke up feeling less than good
this morning i stayed in bed a bit too long, to the point where i had myself almost convinced that i could stay in there a few more hours and no one would mind. thankfully my cat walked on top of me enough that i realized i'd at least have to get out of bed to go to the washroom (they always seem to want to lay right across my bladder, guess it's softer than a hip bone or my legs/feet!) and once i was up i knew it was time to get moving.
i pulled out an autumnish outfit, and smiled to myself as i stepped out into the crisp air
but then, i had too much time to think, too many things to stew over and over analyze. and now it's the afternoon and i feel like i've wasted the morning stewing in self pity and disappointment.
i would like a break
a vacation
a nice long rest
even just from my own minds critique!
i would love to be the lady in the picture. on a beautiful beach, with crashing waves.
with a nice dress, cute shoes, and a fun umbrella to shield myself
but, I am here, and it's quite frankly just time to start some positive thinking.
to put things in the past and leave them there
and to start the rest of my day fresh.
unless someone wants to take me away to that beach? :)

don't you know that you're toxic?

i have had this song running through my head all day so far

with a taste of your lips
i'm on a ride
your toxic, i'm slipping under
with a taste of poison paradise
i'm addicted to you
don't you know that you're toxic?
(toxic - by britney spears)

not really my FAVORITE song to have playing on repeat
but.. sigh... it is in my head
so.. why is it in my head? let me tell you

i've been thinking a lot about things that i have in my life that i can get caught up in
both good and bad
and there was quite a good list
one thing that i used to get caught up in was facebook
and i'm not saying it's "toxic" to everyone, but it wasn't a good thing for me to have
i struggle too much with comparing, with snooping, with frustrations of inconsistent friends and behaviors. i just got caught up in it to much, so, quitting it was the right thing to do, for me.

however, there are still a few similar things that i find myself caught up in
and we were talking about one of these things last night around a bonfire with josh & leah
at one point i said
"i try not to get caught up, but i continue to find myself there, reading!"
and when i was trying to find a word to describe it leah said, "it's toxic"

how often do we hear things now a days about ridding your body of toxins
yet there seems to be less warnings for emotional and mental toxins.
but personally.. i find them way more harmful!

as someone who does a lot of comparing, over analyzing, doubting.. one "taste" of something toxic can just suck me in, and it's so not worth it!

i realize that with being semi-cryptic it sounds like i'm into something really awful or x-rated! but that's not it. it's more like reading blogs of people who talk like they have everything together. or that just have strong opinions that get me going.. that type of thing.

anyway, i've just been thinking all morning about how important it is to keep my mind focused on good & uplifting things. this week the theme verse at the church i work at is "and let us consider how we can spur one another on toward love & good deeds" and i'd like to add: all things non-toxic!

i hope to put more "safety nets" in my way to remind myself to avoid voluntarily reading things that make me struggle. and maybe admitting this on here is one more good net :)

rushing

time for an honesty post

i am not ready to be off anti-depressants

when i first went on them, it was a prescription given to me by a walk-in clinic doctor. he prescribed me quite a large dose, and i became (as my grandma used to say) a "zombo" and i did not like that. i'd rather feel hard emotions than feel numb! so when i was finally able to get in to see my doctor, she lowered my dose by a third

this amount seemed good, but also had me very controlled. i'm a pretty all over the place emotional person, it's part of my charm. whatever i'm feeling, i feel more than 100%!  i think that's why i so easily speak my mind (both a blessing and a curse, depending on the day it seems!) my doctor said that she thought my struggle with depression was likely partially a chemical imbalance, partially weather related (seasonal affected disorder) and partially stress. she said that when i started to feel more like myself that i could lower the dose, and by that she meant take it every other day. it was still a larger amount, so when i took it every other day i felt great one day, and like i was dying the next. not a good method for me.

so, over the next couple of months i went down to a half dose pill, and after taking that for a month i decided to try to take it every other day. my counsellor told me not to rush it. my doctor told me not to think that i "needed" it forever. i don't know what i want or think about it all totally.

so, for the last 3 weeks i've been taking the anti-depressant pill every other day. and for the last 3 weeks i've been crying, over everything and anything! i'm not feeling overly sad or depressed about anything, just feeling emotional. i'm wondering if maybe it's due to having my emotions pent up due to the pills? anyway, the other day driving home with michael i said "i think maybe i should stick to taking the pill every day for a little longer" - to which i found out that i hadn't told michael my plan, and he had been wondering why i had been so different the last few weeks. just a wee bit more moody than normal... so he agreed with me, maybe i'm trying to rush it. not totally sure why. maybe because i know there are people in my life that think it's not good to be on medication. maybe because i want to be done struggling. maybe because i don't like taking a pill every day. maybe pride. who knows?

all i know is that i want to continue on my journey of healing and moving forward and becoming more of myself again. and there is no need to rush!

extremes

yesterday i experienced two extremes of the people in this world

in the afternoon i drove out to the lake with my mom, it was good to spend most of the day with her. i dropped her off at auntie's place to visit, and i went to FBC where i met one of the most wonderful ladies, mary, who has graciously accepted the offer to sit across from me and listen to my ranting and raving (ok, she told me that i don't actually rant.. so that is good!)

it was so good to chat with her again. the last time i went to see her was when i was so overwhelmed in the winter. too busy & stressed to even think or take care of myself, she gave me new ways to look at my situation and new suggestions for tackling the stress in my life. she graciously waited for me to stop sobbing as she asked me the simple question "ashley, who are you?" that i found nearly impossible to answer.

this time around, we started our visit by me updating her on how i'm doing. it was good to be able to talk with confidence of where i'm at, and the healing that has been taking place. i'm not "healed" or magically leaps & bounds ahead.. grief and life are both journeys, that i don't think look the same for any 2 people. at the end of our visit she told me it was good to see the sparkle back in my eye and that she could tell i was more myself. she listened to me talk for an hour about things that are going on in my life, offering suggestions and perspectives. as we were wrapping up our visit she told me that i can feel free to email her at anytime, even just to get something off my chest. it is amazing to have such a safe place to be honest. i left our visit thinking that i am so glad God places such kind, compassionate and wise people in my life. that was the positive extreme of my day.

in the evening we came across a blatant example of the negative extreme of the world we live in! it was the birthday of a very special little guy in our lives, marcus. he turned 8 yesterday! we went to his brother's soccer game first, and then went to marcus' game after. when we got there it was half time, and we were told that they were losing by 1 point, but the worst part was that the other team was quite vicious. pushing, kicking, tripping, taunting. little 8 year olds! when the game started we were shocked to see the bullying going on. some of the players were even shouting rude names & comments at their own goalie when he let a goal in (even though the most vocal kids were the ones that were on defence.. and should have stopped the ball before it got to the goalie.. just saying!). at one point, one of the kids was being so violent and inappropriate that the ref kicked him out for the rest of the game. after some shouting, and lots of hand motions, he sat on the side lines bawling. the coach of marcus' team went over and talked to him and basically said that their team was willing to let him play again if he could play fair. so he came back on.  a little while later, we hear the whistle blow three times, the game is over, and the ref (a young girl, probably only 15 or 16) walks off. a glance at our watches makes us realize the game shouldn't be over & something happened. our friend runs over to her to talk, and finds her crying, totally defeated. and he finds out that the reason she called the game short was that parents from the other team had been yelling constantly mean things to her, so she just decided to call it quits and get out of there. our friend walked over to the parents on the other team to inform them of what just happened and to ask them what happened. to remind them that, even if you don't agree with the way the ref is reffing... there is no need for personal attacks on such a young girl. from there, it went from bad to worse. with parents from that team yelling, denying they were any part of the problem, asking the parents of our team if they "wanted to fight" (um, NO! quite the opposite, they wanted to make peace with the poor ref!) and then hi-fiving their kids for their big win.

as the other team paraded off, the kids were saying "what just happened?!" and wondering why that team of kids thought it was ok to play violently and with mean comments throughout the game. it saddened me to see adult bullies, praising their kids for the same behavior. it left me wondering what had gone on in their lives to bring out such anger and impatience. over an 8 year olds soccer game.

one thing that mary told me numerous times over our meeting was that i was only responsible for myself, for my own actions, my own words, my own reactions. that is what i can control, that is how i can set examples and act in love. in peace. in encouragement.

but how hard that can be when we want to prove the point of justice!

another day of grace. to those we love and to those we struggle to even think about loving.

beloved

i haven't written for awhile
for a number of reasons
being busy with many fun things
and also insecurity
worrying that i don't have anything good to say
or that i'm just patting myself on the back
or talking and rambling for no good

lately i've been realizing that i have lost a lot of confidence for some reason over the past few years.
just more insecure than i have felt before
messages seem to be coming from every which way
you don't do enough
you do too much
you need to spend more time nurturing your christian walk
you're not active enough, healthy enough, pretty enough
people like her more than you.. etc.

those thoughts are so degrading and debilitating.
i think that when you experience something you have a choice as to how you interpret it. you can be offended or let it roll off your back. you can be confident in who you are, or you can doubt. you can take something as a light hearted comment or spend hours looking for the hidden meaning.

the other day i was with a friend, a very beautiful friend that most people can not say enough wonderful things about - and we bumped into someone we both know, and she commented to my friend "wow, you look great!" - now i could take this as a nice thing that is being said to my friend, or... the way that i took it that day - she looks great, and you don't. i've played that conversation over & over in my mind, and it always leaves me feeling defeated. when i could've chosen to just think it was a nice thing to be said about my friend.

i just really dislike having my mind drift more easily toward the negative. i am not totally sure how you magically become more confident. i think it starts with finding my identity in christ. thinking of myself as he thinks of me. spending less time with people or things that leave me feeling less. the hardest ones are the things that seem to seek me out to make me feel less. not sure how to fully be protected from that.

i have started playing my guitar again on a more regular basis (i go thru phases for no real reason) and i have been playing the song "beloved" - i LOVE this song. a friend of mine from university, kris, taught it to me. the first time we sang it together it gave me chills. holy spirit chills, the ones that i get when i am so overwhelmed in worship that i feel completely surrounded by Christ. it is a good reminder for me, especially when i'm feeling down or less confident.

time for more confidence. a change in perspective. time to see myself as his beloved.

lord it was you who created the heavens

lord it was your hands that put the stars in their place

lord it is your voice that commands the morning

even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet

lord who am i compared to your glory?

lord who am i compared to your majesty?

i'm your beloved

your creation

and you love me as i am

you've called me chosen

for your kingdom

unashamed to call me your own

i'm your beloved

i'm your beloved