gratefulness

it has been a long time since I have posted anything

I realize that it's a combination of things - partially not knowing exactly what to write about, partially feeling too passionate about things to write about (and I don't like to write about something if I'm too emotional about it, because I find that I can regret things that I write in such a public forum), and partially because I am using my time differently. Life with an 18 month old is a busy one! And in this day and age, technology is everywhere. Matilda knows what my phone sounds like when I get a text, she knows what it means if it starts ringing, she knows how to slide her finger on the screen to unlock it, and she knows how to scroll thru pictures and press PLAY on videos. Sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's eery, to see how someone so little can do all these things, and realizing its because she is watching it all around her! But, all that to say, I cannot as easily be on the computer with her around, nor do I want to be as much.

But right now, she is fast asleep in her room, and I am taking some moments to myself to write about some thoughts that have been milling around in my head for the last couple of weeks.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of gratefulness - and how quickly gratefulness can be replaced with entitlement, jealousy, pride etc. Two quotes that have been in my head lately have been "remember this - that very little is needed to make a happy life" (aurelis) and "comparison is the thief of joy" (theodore roosevelt). I have been thinking about how happy life can be, how content I am at home with Matilda, playing and learning, reading, drawing etc. and then one conversation with someone else (particularly another mom) can leave me thinking that I want the things that she has, or maybe my parenting isn't as good because my kid wakes up earlier than hers, or she makes it to the gym and I don't, or her kid is saying 30 words etc etc. So quickly the comparison can change a perspective from grateful to jealous. Or how quickly I can leave a conversation on the opposite end, thinking to myself how superior my parenting is because of this or that. And my gratefulness is swapped for a much uglier pride and entitlement.

This was all really put into perspective for me last night. My husband had an early start to work yesterday, as well as a later stop time. He left before Matilda woke up, and normally he gets up with her and they spend the morning together until he has to leave (giving me the luxury of catching a few more zzz's). So my day started earlier than normal. The day was lovely, with different visits from different loved ones. Matilda had a nice long nap and I was productive during those couple of hours. But then the time that I expected Michael to come home, came and went. I couldn't get him on the phone and I started growing impatient. Only later in the evening did I realize that it was more like a spoiled kid, grumbling that they were home alone, when the other person would have loved to be home but was instead working hard and making money! He came home and quickly I felt discouraged by the idea of trying to make something for supper, no ideas, nothing quick to make etc etc. We put Matilda down together and went downstairs to start supper. However, unlike every other night, Matilda decided she didn't want to sleep. She was crying and fussing, and that is just not her style. So I went in to try and help her, but that made it worse when I tried leaving. So, back up I went, thinking "poor me". We gave her some Tylenol to help with the molars that are trying to come through and I sat in the rocking chair. She fussed for a little while, but as I was singing, she very quickly settled and just snuggled in. I moved her into a cradle hold position, and sat there singing to her, songs of Jesus loving her, God making nature, God's power and might. Her eyes were closed and she was in a steady soft breathing pattern that showed her relaxing more every minute. I sat there, and God brought to mind so many things. In the past few weeks I have learned of 2 little boys each passing away (neither who I knew personally, but I did read from both mom's blogs etc) one from a sudden car accident (he was 3), and another from a brain tumor (he was 5). God also brought to mind two different names of women I love who are trying to start families. He reminded me of a conversation I had with another friend who is potentially going to have to move away from close family for work circumstances. I was sitting there, holding my sweet sleeping baby, and was so aware of those who are with empty arms and life was put into perspective. My gratefulness was looking more like entitlement, and with entitlement came the idea that I could complain about mundane things, or feel sorry for myself about things that are not big things at all. I was thinking about the one mom, who would be at home without her little 5 year old - who she sang to every night, and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that I could be sitting here holding my baby and singing to her.

So I sat there a little longer. Rocked her a little more. Sang her one more song. Said many silent thank you prayers. Whispered I love you. Gave her a kiss and savoured the moment of looking at her, and tried to remind myself not to forget this moment, but to use it to live daily with gratefulness.

eleven months!

I can hardly believe that in less than one month, my little babe will be turning ONE.

It feels like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant (and this week I found my pregnancy test in a box of stuff I had packed when we moved. When I found it Matilda walked up to where I was standing and I looked at her and said, "this is YOU!" Such a happy moment of my life is reflected in that little "stick"  For those of you who think it's gross that I still have that - I will have you know that the part you pee on is all capped off, and I peed into a cup so as not to pee all over the stick - so you can rest assured it is clean. Plus I'm not going to ask you to hold it!)

I'm already planning her party, and she is acting more and more like a toddler every day. The biggest thing being when she learned how to walk this past month. She is no longer a helpless little baby. She is a little toddling sweetheart that loves to make me laugh but will also throw a little feet stomping party when I take away the tampons that she thinks are THE BEST toy around. She has her own little personality, and my dad likes to "joke" that "the woman in her is starting to show up" with her little attitude. Poppa better look out when Matti can fend for herself in the teasing department! :)

It's hard to believe she is getting older, but then you spend an hour or 2 with her, and the amount of talking she does will convince anyone that she is no longer a quiet little newborn. And we are loving every minute of it. There really is nothing sweeter than hearing little feet pitter pattering on the floor and opening my eyes to see her sweet face smiling at me as she stands beside my bed in the morning - ready for a kiss!!

This life really is full of sweetness.

Here is her update!
(Click on the picture to enlarge enough to read the text.)

and then she was 9..

Months - nine months!!

Today is a beautiful summer day and right now my sweet girl is fast asleep for her afternoon nap.
There are toys everywhere - little signs of where she was playing, walking (assisted walking), eating.
I love these quiet times that I get to myself when she is sleeping, but whenever I get Matilda up from a nap I say to her, "I missed you!!" and it is true! I love my life with my family of 3.

She is pure sweetness. Whenever I go places with her people say to me, "she's so happy!" or "she can't always be this content, is she?" and the answer is YES! She has such a wonderful and sweet disposition. I love every minute with this sweet little critter!

Here is the update on my girl - she turned 9 months last week - time flies!

(click on the image to enlarge it)

photoshoot at grannys

i love taking pictures of my girl, and she loves, loves LOVES the camera. (and the camera loves her I think!) I put her in this outfit and I thought it was too cute to not take some pictures in it. plus granny has a red chair infront of her deck that I always thought would be a perfect photo prop. Before I knew it I had 2 "assistants" - granny & auntie phoebe. Here are some of my favorites!!

8 months

Another month has come and gone, and my sweet girl is another month older.

Time is flying by!!

We are loving this summer weather, although she and I both don't love the really hot weather as much - but we do love fans and air conditioning *smile*

It is crazy to me that we are closer to the 1 year mark than the day she was born! She is really growing up!

Here is her update, a few weeks late - seems like she is going to be 9 months before I know it.

(click on the image to enlarge it)

7 things I have realized while raising my sweet 7 month old.

I started this post awhile ago, on June 14, and am just finishing it now, so here it is!

today my beautiful girl is 7 months old!!

So, why not share 7 things I have come to realize...

1. Having a daughter has made me even more content in my own skin. It feels natural to be her mom! Another way I've realized this is that I am totally content at home - I can spend the whole day with just her, and I feel like I have had a wonderful day. And then seeing other people is just a bonus!

2. Having a husband that chooses to be a hands-on-dad is something to be thankful for every single day. Michael loves to spend time with Matilda, and even gets up early to do so!

3. You know you are living a new sleep-deprived reality when you get 4 hours of a sleep in a row and you think to yourself, "wow, that was a treat!!" - thankfully Matilda is now sleeping unswaddled and through the night - this is not something to take for granted or to brag about either! :)

4. I am not a clean person in general - my house is normally some form of cluttered or messy - however, baby food has made me realize that a baby messy with food grosses me out!! Something I read said "put a dollop of the new food onto baby's high chair tray and let them explore it with their fingers." I tried that and the minute it was a big smeary mess and her hands went up to her hair - I was done!! I apologized to her as I was wiping her clean frantically with a cloth... I'm learning some flexibility with this one...

5. It is important to continually encourage her to try and learn new things. She is a quick learner, and I have often wondered if she could have mastered a skill sooner, had I only let her try (example: sitting and sleeping unswaddled). I am excited to help her learn how to crawl but I am also loving the ease of having a stationary baby.

6. Having a baby in the winter was perfect timing - when we didn't need to go out, we didn't even want to - and now that we are going on outings and spending time in the stroller, swings, grass and bike, it is so nice to have the beautiful weather. Mental note - next time get pregnant again mid-winter!

7. I have never loved someone as much as I love Matilda. When I'm not with her I'm looking at pictures or videos of her or at least talking about her. She is her own unique self and she is beautifully content and happy. I am excited to watch her grow up and change but I am loving to just soak her in now. The other day my sister Leah was telling her boys, "sometimes I love to just sit and watch baby Matti!" and I couldn't agree more :)

Here is her update!
(click on the image to enlarge it enough to read the update - the older she gets, the more things there are to write about!!)

6 months

I can hardly believe that it has already been half a year (and more, since I'm late in posting this... again!) since my beautiful girl was born into this world!! I can still remember what her first cry sounded like, and how good and natural it felt to finally hold her, my daughter, in my arms!

the last 6 months have flown by, and I have already started thinking about the fact that in the same amount of time from now - she will be one! So much is changing so quickly, and we are just constantly so thankful for her!

here is her monthly update - as always, click on the image to make it large enough to read everything!
(the picture on the right is michael's favorite picture of Matilda. He loves that her eyes are watering because she was smiling so much!! It definitely represents our sweet girl)

5 months!

I can hardly believe it that it has already been 5 months since my favorite person in the world was born!!

Her 5 month collage is a wee bit late since we are busy moving and adjusting to life these days. 

But better late than never!

Again, click on the picture to make it bigger so you can read all about her these days. The measurements are approximate - I attempted to measure her height with a tape measure while she stood on the table, and her weight - well, there was a bit of a mishap with the scale - long story short, the scale may not be stable enough to hold a baby that doesn't just lay still all the time. haha. So.. approximate!

Life these days...

There has been so much going on these days!

We sold our house and we have to be out by April 26!! I have realize I am not good at packing - and I have never had to pack to live in transition. We will be starting to build our house soon - but it's not ready for us yet!!

My house is currently just rooms full of boxes and piles of things. There are sticky notes on my cupboards. I have endless lists. It's all a bit of a chaotic mess!

But things are still good around here because I have a sweet girl to keep me company!

Matilda is constantly growing and changing. She has the best personality! She laughs a lot and loves to chat. She is snugly after a nap or after I get home from being away from her.

She is exploring the world around her - biting on toys, swatting at everything.

She loves to sit in the bumbo and watch me in whatever I'm doing. She loves to stand in her exersaucer or just sit on a lap.

She has started using her jolly jumper and today she even realized she can sort of bounce around (so far she has just been standing in it). She really makes all of life better and if Mike and I aren't with her - we are talking about her!!

Other things are making us so thankful - the retreat house is done and it was a surreal and overwhelming moment for me when mom cut the ribbon - making it official!

I have started and deleted many a blog post these days. Getting caught up in wanting to hash out issues in my mind - only to realize that it wouldn't do me any good! I have been reminded of the importance of not being completely transparent on my blog. Not that things need to be hidden or dishonest - but that some things are meant to be shared only among a close circle of peers and confidants. Not the whole Internet world! So, instead, those of you who read this are just getting a little update from me! One day when I'm not packing or unpacking, I will try to write something thought provoking or "intelligent" but for now you just simply get to hear about life over here!

4 months!

so i'm a week late with this, but my little babe is already 4 months old!! time flies

she is sweeter, funnier & more loved with each day.
we are so thankful!

(*you may notice that she has "shrunk" in height since last month - but its just due to my measuring last month vs the doctor measuring this month, guess i was a little generous with my tape measurer!!)

click on the picture to enlarge it so you can read what Matti is up to these days!!

3 months

my sweet girl turned 3 months yesterday!

click on the picture to enlarge it - so you can read about what she is up to these days!!

she is pure sweetness.

catching up

I had decided I wanted to make some type of monthly "tradition" to track Matilda's first year.

I thought about buying those stickers that say "1 month" "2 months" etc and then taking a picture of her wearing one on her shirt each month - and, well, we're coming up on 3 months and I don't have the stickers. I also thought about making a little sign or something that we could make each month - good idea, but again, coming up on month 3 and nothing yet! SO. I decided to make up my own thing, and make a collage of sorts - with a couple pictures of her, her "stats" of the month and a list of things that are characteristic of her at that time. So - I am catching up.

(*click on the pictures to make them big enough to read the writing*)

First is her birth announcement (picture by me, and put together beautifully by my dearest friend Audrey)

Then month 1:

And month 2:

and now I am caught up and will post the rest of the months as they happen. I love catching up.

A perfect mix.

So everyone always asks me, "who do people say Matilda looks like" to which I say, "Michael" and they respond, "ok that's what I was going to say too."

Well my friends, my sweet girl sure does resemble her sweet dad but this week I was going through boxes of stuff (a lot of junk I had accumulated over the last 27 years) and I found a picture that proves that my babe looks more like me than you may see at first glance, see for yourself! (I was 2 months in this picture and Matilda is also 2 months in her picture)

one month with our sweet girl

this past Friday marked my sweet girl's one month birthday!

One month ago we were in the hospital gazing at this 8lb 3oz bundle of sweetness that had just entered our lives. 

 we were finally our family of 3 - and we went home slightly blissfully naive about the work (and wonderful bliss) that lay ahead

 our sweet Matti had a hard start - losing weight, having jaundice, having a good latch but not enough b-milk to satisfy her hungry tummy.

 but we spent time learning and getting to know our daughter - learning that she likes to be bounced on the exercise ball, that she likes to spend time alone kicking her legs and checking out everything around her.

 we gave her a bath at home, her first one, and she HATED it - as you can see in this picture. Once her cord stump fell off we started to give her a more relaxing bathing experience - a overly full tub and very warm water - now Matilda loves to lounge in the tub and only cries when you take her out.

 Matilda has spent the month surrounded by so many people that love and care about her. photographing her, videotaping her, talking to her, kissing and cuddling her.

 she is a very alert and easygoing baby - her big blue eyes spend a lot of time checking out everything around her.

 once on formula matilda gained back all the weight she lost and then some - now she is a perfectly chubby babe.

 she is also a good sleeper and for awhile we had to wake her up for every feed - the only nice thing about waking her up from such a deep sleep was watching her move around like she is in this picture

 Matilda has the best Dad ever - and for the last month he has spent every moment he can soaking her up - he is there for diaper changes, feeding times, lots of snuggling and talking with her and he is the best swaddler.

 Matilda loves her change table and is always calm, happy and alert when she's on her table. this is where she started to smile for the first time as early as 2 1/2 weeks (and anyone who says it is gas has obviously never seen her smiling in real life, because she does it when you talk to her!) her is one of her sweet grins.

 we're not all that good at initiating tummy time - but once and awhile she spends time on her tummy and at least one of the cats is there to keep her company.

 sweet little feet

 Matilda has already had 4 baby showers in her honour and has 2 more coming up. This is the cake that was made for her at our church shower!

 being with my sweet girl is my favorite thing in the world. and i also love that she looks so much like her dad :)

 at one month she is much bigger and looking older than she was when she was born!

 she has way too many clothes - so we try to put her in as many outfits as we can - including these cute ruffle butt pants.

 and these ugg like boots that belonged to her cousin Everett.

 just spending time with her dad :)

 one month old - my sweet girl, Matilda Joy - beautiful, easygoing, sweet, lovable - just the best!

 and the best christmas present we could ever have asked for!

... till the next major milestone!!