5

Hard to believe it has been 5 years. 

Missing him more than ever. 

Happy birthday sweet boy. I love you. 

Love, auntie 

heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

mystery

I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony  when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.

My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"

God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.

High is his name, and all his works are glorious.

Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong. 

She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.

There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world 

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)

My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)

When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers. 

Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

Bread of Heaven, broken for me

Cup of salvation, held out to drink

Jesus, mystery

Christ has died and Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!

That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.

Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again. 

My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth. 

for strength to trust Him more.

today my head and heart feel a bit conflicted
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".

today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.

this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.

on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.

happy birthday cameron. you are loved!

a holy & a broken hallelujah

3 years

i wonder what you would be learning

i wonder what your voice would sound like

and how curly your hair would be

i miss you all the time

and think you would have been the best big brother

you will always be the perfect little boy that made me "auntie ash"

and the most precious kid that taught me how deep i could love

i wish i could know you

and tell you again into your ear how much i love you!

you will always be loved & missed and talked about

you changed my life forever!

sweet pea

jay benjamin

happy birthday!

after Jay was born i wrote this song. 

(well, i re-wrote words to a song)

the piano is out of tune in the recording and it's pretty raw, but it's from my heart.

here are the lyrics:

i heard there was a coming joy, the blessing of a baby boy

the joy and expectation was within me

it goes like this: week four, then fifth, the third trimester & the major gift!

and from our lips we praised with "hallelujahs"!

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

my faith was strong didn't need the proof; proclaiming Jesus on the roof

His beauty & his love, it overtook me.

He showed himself from here to there, he knew my name, he knew every hair

I praised my God and sang out "hallelujah"

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

when he was born, they tried so much...

he couldn't cry, but we held & touched

great joy & desperation flowed into us

and even though it all went wrong, we wept before our Lord of song

and from our lips we wept our hallelujahs

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

some say they join us in our pain; sometimes they smile, and say his name

my life has changed, i would not try to fool you

and even though we can't hold on

he's held by our Lord of song

he dances and plays and laughs his hallelujahs!

and even though it all went wrong

we stand and to our Lord hold on

with a holy and a broken hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

when the man comes around

And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder: One of the four beasts saying: "Come and see." And I saw. And behold, a white horse. 
There's a man goin' 'round takin' names. An' he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won't be treated all the same. There'll be a golden ladder reaching down. When the man comes around. 
The hairs on your arm will stand up. At the terror in each sip and in each sup. Will you partake of that last offered cup, Or disappear into the potter's ground. When the man comes around. 
Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singin'. Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum. Voices callin', voices cryin'. Some are born an' some are dyin'. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come. 
And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. The virgins are all trimming their wicks. The whirlwind is in the thorn tree. It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks. 
Till Armageddon, no Shalam, no Shalom. Then the father hen will call his chickens home. The wise men will bow down before the throne. And at his feet they'll cast their golden crown. When the man comes around. 
Whoever is unjust, let him be unjust still. Whoever is righteous, let him be righteous still. Whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still. Listen to the words long written down, When the man comes around. 
Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singin'. Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettle drum. Voices callin', voices cryin'. Some are born an' some are dyin'. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come. 
the man comes around : johnny cash


today is the 1st birthday of a special little boy, the first son of friends of ours. we're going to celebrate his birthday on saturday, and he is truly sweet.


maybe a strange transition from the song lyrics above? maybe. or maybe not.


my heart is really missing another special little boy today. a special little boy that God took to be with him before i could ever drench him in my "auntie" love. something about this morning reminds me of the morning of jay's funeral. the crispness of the air. the peace in my heart - peace that was intermingled with despair. i don't think you can ever understand how those things can co-exist until you feel it for yourself. 
i remember people asking me about Jay and telling me just how beautiful they thought he was. i could still remember what he felt like in my arms & how his skin was so perfect and had that wonderful baby smell. each curl of his hair. his tiny shoulders. i remember realizing how amazing it was to have a family that is as close as ours. i realize this isn't the case for everyone, and i am so grateful for what we have. i remember walking to the graveside as a family, listening to the above song by Johnny Cash. 


the man came around. the father hen called his special little Jay home.  the hairs on my arms stood up. there was a whirlwind in my heart. 
and i could picture jay in heaven. singing his hallelujahs & playing. 
hear the trumpets
hear the pipers
one hundred million angels singing...