a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices!

o holy night the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear Savior's birth
long lay the world in sin and error pining
til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

fall on your knees...
he knows our need...
behold your King...
before Him, lowly bend.

o night divine.

it is finally christmas! and a wonderful one at that. Michael and I were driving out to my parents house today and we were saying that one reason why we love Christmas so much, is we get to surround ourselves with people that we love, and spend intentional time just being together. Unhurried, and relaxed.

I love giving gifts at Christmas. I love picking out each gift and trying to make sure it's something they will really like and enjoy. This morning I was telling my mom that I'm so excited to give her gifts to her. Why? Because I am sure she will really like them, and know that they were chosen specifically for her. What a wonderful tradition, one that is a very small scale example of the meaning of Christmas, the true indescribable gift!

I am so thankful that God chose to lavish his love upon us by giving us Jesus. A tiny little innocent, helpless babe. I'm sure he was cute with curious eyes, and maybe even a dimple or two. Everett was born 1 week ago today... and let me tell you, I love this little guy. More than I thought I could! And to be honest, it is hard to share him (and I'm only his auntie!). i mean, I want everyone to be able to see how cute he is, and hear his little cry and squeaks! But I want to spend as much time with him as I can. How much more did God love Jesus! and then he chose to share him with us.. knowing what would happen. What an extravagant gift.

I love the way God choses to continually drench us in His love. He loves everyone, the young, the old, the weak, the oppressed, the strong(er), the joyful... everyone! No matter how fragile we are, no matter how little we feel we can give back to him. He lavishes his love on us.

One of my favorite moments of this Christmas season so far was last week when I went with our Candlelight Choir to Donwood Manor personal carehome. We were almost done our program and we began walking to the back of the room while the piano played a verse of Silent Night. We were going to sing a verse in German once we were all lined up. All of a sudden, the most beautiful, fragile and broken voice starts to sing. This woman was sitting alone, and didn't seem to care that everyone was staring at her... some of them disapprovingly trying to show her she shouldn't be singing. But it was beautiful. It made the tears well up, and my throat became tight. Singing about the innocence and beauty of that silent night... Jesus, Lord at thy birth.

Thank you God for this magnificent, indescribable gift.

Merry Christmas!

welcome to the world! everett john klassen

my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
and my spirit exalts in God my Saviour...

Holy, holy, holy is His name.

haste, haste, to bring Him laud

What Child is this who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom Angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and Angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh,
Come peasant, king to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.

Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby.
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

I think this is my favorite christmas carol. I love the lilt it has, the rocking motion in the harmonies. I love that it's in a minor key. I love the building feeling leading up to the "chorus" section of each verse, and that each verse ends with the exact same line. I love the simplicity of it, that works alongside the deep richness of the message.

when I sing this song, and hear the lilting harmonies and rhythm I picture Mary holding Jesus and rocking him back and forth. he is wrapped up so snug, and his breathing is regular and peaceful. Mary is overwhelmed with love for him, and is mesmirized by the softness of his skin and all of his tiny perfect features. the message of Christ is sung to the same lilt of mary's rocking & lullaby.. nails! spears shall pierce him through the cross be bourne for me, for you... to think of these awful things when thinking of a baby, of baby Jesus. to think that God sent Him as this tiny little sweetheart, all for us, all for sacrifice and love. for redemption.

on saturday night at caregroup we were talking about God's kindness. his infinite love, and his choice to love on us, who are dust.

¹⁴ For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
¹⁵ Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
¹⁶ The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
¹⁷ But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him. (psalm 103:14-17)

and i was thinking back to the last few months and when I think of Jesus, I think of redemption. i celebrate the birth of Jesus, the tiny little baby snuggled by Mary so many years ago, and I hear the truth ringing out that nails and spears pierced his skin, and spilled his blood, and I am in awe of his redemption. of his love for me, despite my unfaithfulness and the fact that i truly am dust. I thank him for his redeeming power over all situations, and the fact that he doesn't justify crappy situations like the world so often tries to, but he redeems them, and continues to love us.

this... THIS! (loving, redeeming, forgiving, merciful, ever present God) is Christ the King.. Joy, JOY! for Christ is born, the babe, the Son of Mary...

once upon a time, the world was just a message in a paper cup

if you look really close there's a rip in the sky
and you can see the universe

stop and look at the sun
tell me what have you done today that left you dreaming? what you want : hayley sales

such a strange couple of days this week
some very good things mixed in with random awkward conversations, offensive comments and some anxiety. it's been a strange couple of days!

there have been some very wonderful things tho, so let me share some of them with you

quality time with my hubby (since we got the kittens, we are making more of an effort to just be at home, and realizing that just because we are home doesn't mean we have a "free evening" to invite people over or fill it with something busy. Being home and together is something that needs to be done purposefully!); afternoon starbucks visit with audrey (you really are a breath of fresh air for me!); chinese food from comodo (i'm glad we discovered that place); a visit with my mom while waiting for my dad (good, but too brief!); christmas shopping with my dad (this year we decided to go before christmas eve! hehe sometimes he leaves it to the last minute. but this time we knew what to get mom, so it only took us 30 minutes!); mountain bean with phoebe (chatting, laughing, discussing, listening, loving, and a little bit of reading/studying); reading (i've been getting into novels again recently, and really enjoy losing myself in the story); snuggling with my kitties (they really are so sweet); matt & shauna came over (we love you 2!); finding christmas gifts online (hopefully they all make it before christmas!)

and much more. life is more sweet when you focus on the good!

also, i'm really excited that it's 8 days till my first christmas gift, and 15 days till christmas. i still don't have my tree which i'm not happy about! but i'm listening to a lot of christmas music and i'm hoping to do a puzzle with 2 wonderful gentlemen on saturday. i love christmas time!

such a cold december...

I've been waiting, pacing along the halls ever since you left here
I've been cleaning, scrubbing the plates and weeding out the garden dear
I can't fall asleep to your mystery slowly blowing from the shore (cold december: matt costa)

this is the first song i listened to today once i sat down at my desk
i was not excited about coming today. one week alone so far and... well it is lonely.

i'm feeling as tho maybe i bit off more than i could chew
or maybe i'm just underestimating myself

my heart is also feeling anxious today
kind of like my heart beat and my breathing can't cooperate, like they are trying to race
and the race is leaving me feeling like i should run outside into the cold december air, take in a deep breath and let the icy air send a chill into my lungs
it's making me feel like there are tears ready to just spill over my eye lids
i'm anxious. 11 days left on our countdown and i'm so reminded of july 24th and the freshness of despair. it catches my breath in my throat again and it feels tight

i've never felt such a mixture of sadness and total joy at the same time. i can hardly wait for this little one. and sometimes all i can do is sit and cry missing the first babe to make me an auntie!

working alone isn't helping my anxiety much, and it's only been a week.
i'm not exactly sure where i'm going with this post, maybe i'm only trying to write out how i'm feeling so that i can calm down a bit. and there is no one to tell this too here in person (altho conrad did just stop by my desk with this amish friendship bread that will take me 10 days to make, then he listened while i told him it was hard to work alone! he's such a nice guy)

anyway, 11 days and my heart can hardly wait.
AND it is so cold outside, winter is finally here, i think!
i spent some good time with my families this weekend, and i was so thankful. interesting how you can feel SO lonely in one situation and just an hour or two later feel so totally loved and surrounded in a different setting. what a blessing.

who are you really?

i used to (wait, thats a lie.. i, STILL have) a book of quizzes titled "who are you really?"
this book is well used, scribbled on, pages are ripped. this book has initials beside answers, initials of my best friends from elementary school, friends from Mennonite Children's Choir, my brother, my cousins, junior high friends, and most recently initials from michael's family when we went camping.

this book is full of quizzes with ridiculous titles like, "are you a guy magnet?" "what do your dreams say about you?" "organized or unorganized?" "forever or fairweather friend?" and so on and so on

there is something fun and light hearted about doing these quizzes, and normally you figure it out pretty quickly... if i always choose the second answer... i WILL be a guy magnet! they are funny to me because i am a firm believer in the fact that you can't have a little paragraph decide who you are. no book or quiz or test that i read or write will ever be able to really tell me who i am. you can buy books, quizzes, and take online tests to find out who you are. ohhh i THOUGHT that was what my gift was! but i didn't know until this test told me...

i remember one of the times i took a "spiritual gift" test, it was in the first semester of Outtatown, and i remember it very specifically because at the end of it, it said i had gifts of hospitality, faith, compassion... but music, well music wasn't on there. i couldn't believe it. all this time i had been participating in church, singing on teams and trying to get involved, and now this test showed me the light, i WASN'T gifted with the spiritual gift of music. but, then why do i feel like i am? i struggled with that for a long time, because so many other people had tests that confirmed what they already believed or did, and mine didn't. thankfully, that didn't actually stop me from singing, playing piano and being involved. i decided that my heart probably knew me more than any test could.

recently i've struggled (over the past couple of years) with the fact that people (some directly and some indirectly) have questioned "who is Ashley really??" especially over the fact that i chose not to complete my degree, 6 credits short. i feel like i struggled with feeling like music therapy ashley wasn't actually the real ashley at all, and finally after very tear filled and sleepless nights i decided that i needed to be the real ashley. but that has followed with a lot of questioning, doubt and disappointment from some. it is hard to feel like you know a little bit (at least) of who you are, and yet people don't think it's enough (disclaimer: i'm not talking about my family or closest friends, just a good 3-4 handfuls of other people)

now i am struggling with a combination of a gut feeling, mixed with passion, mixed with unresolved hurts, confidence in skills, nudgings and stirrings related to another decision. one that i've technically missed the deadline for (yesterday) but still feel as tho this may not be done yet. so i'm trying to trust and pray, and be patient. it's not a question of, who am i really? but.. what's next?

this would make life a little more noisy, and fun.