honesty

i think honesty is underused and underrated.
honesty with ourselves, honesty with God, honesty with friends, with grief, with joy, with the church. honesty with family, with insecurity, with passion...

i've been thinking about honesty for the last few weeks. finding it ironic that we can even be dishonest within ourselves! how odd... i find that journaling (thoughts, emotions, exercise, food, prayers) will really point out where we are being dishonest with ourselves, which is probably why it gets neglected!

i have been thinking about the negative names that honesty is often given: strong personality, stubborn, mean, insensitive, dwelling in the past, stuck, painful, frustrating.. at least in my own life experiences. (* sometimes i think people use the term "honesty" to get away with being mean or stubborn.. that isn't what I'm meaning here!)

this whole thinking about honesty really hit me in the face when I was in a few conversations etc. over the course of a few days where I felt like honesty was not allowed. either I would be stepping on toes, or boring someone, or hurting feelings, or causing an argument. None of which was the heart behind my desire to be honest. I really value honesty, and when a relationship or conversation becomes surface.. I just don't really see the point.

I've also been realizing times where I haven't cut someone else enough slack, when they were being honest.. even if it meant retelling me the same stories over and over. They were/are being real, and being honest as they work things through.

So, honesty.

In all honesty.. I think about Jay everyday of my life. I wonder what it would be like to smell his skin or kiss his cheeks. I wonder what his voice would sound like, and I wonder what color his eyes would be. I still think about the hurt, and the loss.. because it is ever-present! I will never tire of bringing him up in conversation.. because that is the only way I can experience being his auntie right now!

In all honesty.. I have been hurt by lack of support from some, weird distance from others and baffled by actions of some others. At the same time, other friendships have been strengthened by support & the way they stumbled with me through all of this. That hurt... still hits me in the face a lot, and I'm working to let it go, but sometimes it's just too much.

In all honesty.. I am learning to let go of insecurities and fully love myself. Which also means learning to let my husband love me with all of those insecurities! (it's a good thing I have him!). someone told me that their daughter decided one of her first steps she would take (after the recent beth moore simulcast) was to start saying "thank you" when her husband complimented her.. rather than trying to convince him he was wrong! sounds like a good first step to me.

i'm not really sure how to end this. I really value honesty, and i'm trying to figure this out!
thank you to those who always allow me to be honest. xo