loss

i looked up the word loss in the dictionary and there were 15 definitions
i have been thinking a lot about "loss" lately -
thinking about how it is so different for every person, every situation, and even different for the same person on different days.
this blog post is not at all to compare my situation with anyone else.
i know - for a fact! - that i am not the only person that has experienced loss
as well, i know that there are people that have experienced losses that i never have
so this is pure & simple - and strictly about me.

sometimes i wonder if my life has forgotten that i am only 25.
some days i read in my journal things that i have written
or i look at my eyes in the morning from a night full of tears
and wonder if other 25 year olds feel this old inside.
at 25 i have experienced losses that have changed me (i think all loss changes us, but i mean really changed me)
i look at pictures of myself - and my family - from 2-3 years ago and we look different
i think loss has broken parts of myself that are still quite tender
i think loss has taught me a deeper appreciation
a deeper love
i think loss has taught me about friendships and honesty
i think it has exposed
i think loss has brought me closer to other friends who have gone thru or are going thru loss
its made me value laughter, family, touch & faith
it has shown me a deeper, wider, more extravagant loving & faithful Jesus than i had known before.

we are on the verge of another loss. we have been walking through this loss for the last 3 months. we have cried tears, sang songs, prayed in thanksgiving and prayed with requests. we have had times of renewed energy - times to tell grandma why we love her, how much we love her & how thankful we are. i personally have had time to pray with her & over her. asking Jesus to intervene and even to take her home.

loss. in my mind it can be defined in way more than 15 ways. loss is different for me each day, in each circumstance. i was reading in my magazine today about 3 women who lost their husbands in afganistan & one woman said this:
"people tell me that time heals, but it's more like time lets you put a layer of gauze over the hurt. Sometimes it holds and sometimes things leak through."

loss for me is very real. it is not something i wish to sweep away or ignore. i will not lie about the way my heart hurts. but in this situation - in this loss - my loss is her gain. oh to be in the presence of Jesus amidst the angels and the heavenly hosts.

it is well with my soul.