so this is christmas...
christmas is different this year. it's different every year, and i think it will continue to be different every year. so far we've spent the day with my parents and josh and leah, and it has been good for our family to just be together.
tonight we will go to michael's parents place and spend tonight and tomorrow (except the part of the day that i have to work... grumble grumble...) with them. which will be entirely different, but also good to just be together.
satisfy us in the morning with your love...
my dad just put on a steve bell cd. i think that the music and the words in steve bell songs/cds often soothe my soul.
match the days Lord, of our sorrow with your joy...
i think that i am forever changed. and i will never fully be able to describe it, or understand it. which is part of the beauty and the mystery of the Lord. i have learnt to pray to Jesus with a different kind of sincerity. i have had doubt in God like i have never before. and i am learning the pain of feeling helpless. the details of all of these are probably something i will always keep to myself, but are things that have and will continue to change me and my family. and one day, out of the pain, it will be beautiful.
god our protector, keep us in mind.
Truth is always strong, no matter how weak it looks; and falsehood is always weak, no matter how strong it looks. (Phillip Brooks). a quote that was shared with me by my dear grandma. and was a reminder to me of God's consistency. he is truth. always. the truth is God loves... no matter how weak Satan can make that statement seem.
theres noone to turn to, if you don't come through. in your love, remember me. all because of your goodness Lord. in your love remember us. my hoping is keeping me sane, again and again... in your love remember me. (steve bell lyrics)
honesty | insight | and iced coffee.
December 25, 2008
December 22, 2008
assistant TO the regional manager
i thoroughly enjoy this show. just thought you'd all like to know.
December 21, 2008
fall on us
christmas is this week...
some how over the years i've realized that it never feels quite like christmas time... and that maybe really christmas isn't about a feeling, or fulfilling a list of duties so that it feels like christmas. that maybe christmas is about being with the people that are important to you, and taking time to celebrate the best day on earth... when God sent his Son Jesus to us.
i had the privilege of being at Donwood Manor this past week with our church choir. we performed our candlelight service for them, because they wouldn't be able to come to our church at 11pm on the 24th.
during one of the songs i took time to look around at the audience. i was thinking to myself (as i listened to one of the readings) that christmas is really hard this year. that it is totally different because it is not what we were preparing for. i was so excited about having my baby nephew at christmas time, and was already dreaming of how i would spoil him. sometimes my heart aches knowing that i will never get to show Jay the love that i have for him. so i was sitting there thinking about how hard it was for me, and that for most people in the choir, and most people that i know, christmas was going to be normal. happy, normal and delightful. that it will be easy for people to go on celebrating with their families, without having even a passing thought about me and my family... and i know that that was normally the case for me at christmas, so i can't judge.
so i looked around the audience and then i realized, that most of the people in the audience (residents and their families that were there) are not having the Christmases that they expected or prepared for either. and i felt a new type of compassion and care for the people we were singing to.
its hard to feel forgotten. to feel abandoned and like God is just taking his time coming to your aide.
today in church we sang a song that is one of my prayers, especially during this Christmas time. it acknowledges that God is LOVE. God is LIGHT. God is GRACE. even if we feel God is silent, he is still all those things. so this is the song/prayer
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us.
that we may be saved
that we may have life
to find our way, in the darkest night...
let your love fall on us.
we know that God is love. God is grace. God is light.
i want to feel it fall. fall on us. cover us. drench us
let your love fall on us, that we may have life.
some how over the years i've realized that it never feels quite like christmas time... and that maybe really christmas isn't about a feeling, or fulfilling a list of duties so that it feels like christmas. that maybe christmas is about being with the people that are important to you, and taking time to celebrate the best day on earth... when God sent his Son Jesus to us.
i had the privilege of being at Donwood Manor this past week with our church choir. we performed our candlelight service for them, because they wouldn't be able to come to our church at 11pm on the 24th.
during one of the songs i took time to look around at the audience. i was thinking to myself (as i listened to one of the readings) that christmas is really hard this year. that it is totally different because it is not what we were preparing for. i was so excited about having my baby nephew at christmas time, and was already dreaming of how i would spoil him. sometimes my heart aches knowing that i will never get to show Jay the love that i have for him. so i was sitting there thinking about how hard it was for me, and that for most people in the choir, and most people that i know, christmas was going to be normal. happy, normal and delightful. that it will be easy for people to go on celebrating with their families, without having even a passing thought about me and my family... and i know that that was normally the case for me at christmas, so i can't judge.
so i looked around the audience and then i realized, that most of the people in the audience (residents and their families that were there) are not having the Christmases that they expected or prepared for either. and i felt a new type of compassion and care for the people we were singing to.
its hard to feel forgotten. to feel abandoned and like God is just taking his time coming to your aide.
today in church we sang a song that is one of my prayers, especially during this Christmas time. it acknowledges that God is LOVE. God is LIGHT. God is GRACE. even if we feel God is silent, he is still all those things. so this is the song/prayer
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us.
that we may be saved
that we may have life
to find our way, in the darkest night...
let your love fall on us.
-----
we know that God is love. God is grace. God is light.
i want to feel it fall. fall on us. cover us. drench us
let your love fall on us, that we may have life.
December 14, 2008
here i am, in that old place again, down on my face again crying out, i want you to hear my plea, come down and rescue me.
Matthew 8:1-3
When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
... the leper asked God to make him clean, and he did.
yesterday i was at a ladies brunch and the speaker said that she prayed a prayer like that to God, saying "if you are willing you can..." and she said for her it wasn't believe that God could. it was believe that he would.
Jesus, how long do we have to wait?
HOW LONG?!
here i am, in that old place again down on my face again
crying out, i want you to hear my plea
COME DOWN AND RESCUE ME
how long will it take?
HOW LONG WILL WE HAVE TO WAIT?
come to me rescue me fall on us with your love
(sanctify : delirious)
December 11, 2008
realizations
so its been a while since i've blogged, but i have definitely been thinking a lot this week
there have been a few times that i have started to write, but realized that some of my thoughts were too raw, and didn't want to be too mysterious, making people wonder if it's them i'm talking about. did some processing myself.
i've realized a few things, one, being that i'm in the process of mourning a friendship that will never be the same again. it's hard knowing that you have reached the point where you were the closest, and that that will probably never happen again. it's hard to just fall off each others radars and not feel like a big chunk of you is missing. i don't know how to explain it, but it's been weighing on my heart the last few weeks.
a second thing i've realized is that i desperately want people to ask me how i am. i realized this when i was with my sister in law phoebe (who i am so thankful for) and she asked me to tell her how i am. she said that we always talk about how my family is, and other things, but that she wanted to know about me. it feels selfish to want people to ask just about yourself, but i think that if you don't have people asking about you and the state of your heart then it is easy to let that get pushed to the back burner and allows you to not take care of your heart or address it in the state that it is in.
i've realized (not just recently, but i've always known) that i am a talker, it doesn't take a lot for me to talk, which i guess ties into the previous point. sometimes i walk away from conversations being like "wow, i just dumped that on that person, and they don't even want to know about it", but if they had asked it would've felt like more of a conversation...
and fourthly i realized this... i counted the other day how many friends i feel really know how i am, and who i am. counted how many people i could be myself with. how many friends i have a caring relationship with, on both sides. and then i realized that it would be very easy to dwell on the fact that that number used to be bigger, but that i want to CHOOSE to dwell on how fortunate i am to have even the people that i do have.
i feel like since july when Jay died, some people just don't know how to relate, or what to talk about with me, or how to bring up the topic. and that can be really hurtful.
i need to choose to be thankful for those that are there, because dwelling on anything else doesn't help at all. so dear friends, know that i am thankful for you, probably more than you know.
there have been a few times that i have started to write, but realized that some of my thoughts were too raw, and didn't want to be too mysterious, making people wonder if it's them i'm talking about. did some processing myself.
i've realized a few things, one, being that i'm in the process of mourning a friendship that will never be the same again. it's hard knowing that you have reached the point where you were the closest, and that that will probably never happen again. it's hard to just fall off each others radars and not feel like a big chunk of you is missing. i don't know how to explain it, but it's been weighing on my heart the last few weeks.
a second thing i've realized is that i desperately want people to ask me how i am. i realized this when i was with my sister in law phoebe (who i am so thankful for) and she asked me to tell her how i am. she said that we always talk about how my family is, and other things, but that she wanted to know about me. it feels selfish to want people to ask just about yourself, but i think that if you don't have people asking about you and the state of your heart then it is easy to let that get pushed to the back burner and allows you to not take care of your heart or address it in the state that it is in.
i've realized (not just recently, but i've always known) that i am a talker, it doesn't take a lot for me to talk, which i guess ties into the previous point. sometimes i walk away from conversations being like "wow, i just dumped that on that person, and they don't even want to know about it", but if they had asked it would've felt like more of a conversation...
and fourthly i realized this... i counted the other day how many friends i feel really know how i am, and who i am. counted how many people i could be myself with. how many friends i have a caring relationship with, on both sides. and then i realized that it would be very easy to dwell on the fact that that number used to be bigger, but that i want to CHOOSE to dwell on how fortunate i am to have even the people that i do have.
i feel like since july when Jay died, some people just don't know how to relate, or what to talk about with me, or how to bring up the topic. and that can be really hurtful.
i need to choose to be thankful for those that are there, because dwelling on anything else doesn't help at all. so dear friends, know that i am thankful for you, probably more than you know.
November 30, 2008
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express
deep calls to deep
and my soul finds no resting place but him
he is my God
the yearning of my soul is touched and stilled
and each rare moment i felt his presence
i shall remember and forever cherish
deep calls to deep
and at his feast i am a welcome guest
he gives me food
the hunger of my soul is laid to rest
and each rare moment i felt his presence
i shall remember and forever cherish
deep calls to deep
for he created me to be his own
he understands the joy and pain of life, he to his own
and each rare moment i felt his presence
i shall remember and forever cherish
- deep calls to deep : steve bell
i had the privilege of going to the steve bell/symphony concert last night with my family, and it was such a blessing yet again.
they ended the night with the song deep calls to deep, which has become one of my favorite songs as of late.
i've been working on putting together a cd of lament songs, and also going through what that looks like... being in a season of lament doesn't mean that you are going to be crying every minute of the day, or that you can never laugh or enjoy yourself. it just means that your heart in one way or another is broken. to me it doesn't mean that God isn't part of your life, or that you don't know that God is God... but it means that God is God because he is there, weeping with you. laughing with you in the moments when we are able to laugh, crying when we are crying, and resting with us when we are resting.
during lament it can be hard to "sing the happy christiany songs". it's not that i don't believe all those things are true about God, because I do, but sometimes it's hard to sing "yes Jesus, you are so great and happy and everything is fluffy and happy and i want to clap and dance"... which may be a little bit of an overstatement... but i fully believe that "worship" doesn't just include songs that are all happy but that worship can be "how long will it take? how long will i have to wait?" worship is acknowledging that no matter the circumstance, God is God. that does not change, but the ways that we acknowledge our current needs and ways that God is there for us does change. i'm wondering if this makes sense in anyone else's head, or just mine. but that is where my heart is.
deep calls to deep.
i love when steve bell sings this song with the symphony, i could listen to this song over and over, and often i do. i love how it starts... the bass player plays his stand up bass with a bow, and the instrument groans. it just groans, there is no other way to say it.
this part reminds me of the verse in scripture that says that when we run out of words to say, or don't know how to pray because of the state of our souls, the spirit groans for us. groans on our behalf, and God hears.
deep calls to deep, and my soul finds no resting place but him...
we groan from the deepest parts of our souls, deep calls to deep... the deepest parts of us call to the deepest parts of our God.
and he hears. and we find rest. and peace.
michael and i were talking about this on the way home from the concert, about peace. we talked about how peace isn't just being happy, or an absence of conflict. peace is wholeness, being at rest. i think that Christ gives us peace, gives us HIS peace and so with him we can rest. it doesn't mean being 'happy' but it means resting in Christ. allowing His peace to find our soul and ooze into the rest of our being.
the music in the song changes shortly after the groaning, and if i close my eyes when i listen i can picture the instruments dancing. i picture being at rest and whole with Christ and out of that i can dance, i can be fed, and i can still be me. God is still God, and my situation is still just as crappy as ever, but I have his peace, and with my God I can be... just be.
he is my God, the joy and pain of life, he to his own
here is the video of the song, there are captions to read while watching, but i recommend closing your eyes and allowing the song to surround you.
ps. if you're interested in a copy of a lament cd, just let me know. i'm making them this week.
and my soul finds no resting place but him
he is my God
the yearning of my soul is touched and stilled
and each rare moment i felt his presence
i shall remember and forever cherish
deep calls to deep
and at his feast i am a welcome guest
he gives me food
the hunger of my soul is laid to rest
and each rare moment i felt his presence
i shall remember and forever cherish
deep calls to deep
for he created me to be his own
he understands the joy and pain of life, he to his own
and each rare moment i felt his presence
i shall remember and forever cherish
- deep calls to deep : steve bell
i had the privilege of going to the steve bell/symphony concert last night with my family, and it was such a blessing yet again.
they ended the night with the song deep calls to deep, which has become one of my favorite songs as of late.
i've been working on putting together a cd of lament songs, and also going through what that looks like... being in a season of lament doesn't mean that you are going to be crying every minute of the day, or that you can never laugh or enjoy yourself. it just means that your heart in one way or another is broken. to me it doesn't mean that God isn't part of your life, or that you don't know that God is God... but it means that God is God because he is there, weeping with you. laughing with you in the moments when we are able to laugh, crying when we are crying, and resting with us when we are resting.
during lament it can be hard to "sing the happy christiany songs". it's not that i don't believe all those things are true about God, because I do, but sometimes it's hard to sing "yes Jesus, you are so great and happy and everything is fluffy and happy and i want to clap and dance"... which may be a little bit of an overstatement... but i fully believe that "worship" doesn't just include songs that are all happy but that worship can be "how long will it take? how long will i have to wait?" worship is acknowledging that no matter the circumstance, God is God. that does not change, but the ways that we acknowledge our current needs and ways that God is there for us does change. i'm wondering if this makes sense in anyone else's head, or just mine. but that is where my heart is.
deep calls to deep.
i love when steve bell sings this song with the symphony, i could listen to this song over and over, and often i do. i love how it starts... the bass player plays his stand up bass with a bow, and the instrument groans. it just groans, there is no other way to say it.
this part reminds me of the verse in scripture that says that when we run out of words to say, or don't know how to pray because of the state of our souls, the spirit groans for us. groans on our behalf, and God hears.
deep calls to deep, and my soul finds no resting place but him...
we groan from the deepest parts of our souls, deep calls to deep... the deepest parts of us call to the deepest parts of our God.
and he hears. and we find rest. and peace.
michael and i were talking about this on the way home from the concert, about peace. we talked about how peace isn't just being happy, or an absence of conflict. peace is wholeness, being at rest. i think that Christ gives us peace, gives us HIS peace and so with him we can rest. it doesn't mean being 'happy' but it means resting in Christ. allowing His peace to find our soul and ooze into the rest of our being.
the music in the song changes shortly after the groaning, and if i close my eyes when i listen i can picture the instruments dancing. i picture being at rest and whole with Christ and out of that i can dance, i can be fed, and i can still be me. God is still God, and my situation is still just as crappy as ever, but I have his peace, and with my God I can be... just be.
he is my God, the joy and pain of life, he to his own
here is the video of the song, there are captions to read while watching, but i recommend closing your eyes and allowing the song to surround you.
ps. if you're interested in a copy of a lament cd, just let me know. i'm making them this week.
November 28, 2008
if grace is an ocean we're all sinking
I woke up this morning and looked out my window, as I often do, and I saw one of my favorite parts of winter. Horfrost. I think it is the most beautiful part of winter. God sends the snow and finds every single branch and ledge and twig and coats it in frost.
I am always amazed by the sight of it, and I think it makes winter worthwhile.
It makes me want to bundle up in my winter attire, and go for a long walk. Breathing in the winter air, watching my breath as I breathe in and out, and thanking God for his creativity and patience. I like to think that he hand paints the frost on each twig.
There is a worship song that has been playing nonstop in my head, which is ok with me. It is by Jesus Culture. I love watching Jesus Culture on youtube, it is very powerful stuff. I love when people sing with passion, and you can almost feel the music move through them. I love the imagery in the song, and how the whole song dwells on God's love for us.
The song talks about God's love being like a hurricane, and we are the trees. We bend and we are covered and we are overwhelmed by God's love. It is overpowering and... it is everything.
"How He Loves" - Jesus CultureHe is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.
So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
That he loves us,
how He loves...
November 26, 2008
click!
i decided just to post some pictures that i have from the wedding week and the honeymoon... there are a lot more pictures, but felt like sharing a few.
this is me and phoebe doing chocolate facemasks... looked like chocolate, smelled like chocolate, felt like melted chocolate, but was NOT chocolate (didn't taste it though)
leah and i at the beginning of my bachelorette! i have great sisters.
the first honeymoon picture. we stayed at the four points hotel (sheraton) at the airport, in the honeymoon suite. it was the nicest hotel room, with the softest robes and a giant fruit platter!
when we went ATVing in Mexico our tour guide showed us a sink hole. while we were there someone found a baby turtle, the guide was in the middle of talking so i didn't walk over to see it, but really wanted to see it. the tour guide looked around with us but the little turtle was no where to be found! so later on down the path the guide found a turtle, stopped everyone and walked down the line to me so i could take a picture! isn't he cute??
this is in belize. we had lunch at a place called the "wet lizard" and i had a drink called a "blue moon"... it was 40 degrees that day, so i really appreciated its icyness.
i love these cut out things... whenever michael sees them he knows i'm going to make him pose for at least a few pictures. this one was in belize.
this is one of my favorite pictures from the trip. it was during a thunder and lightning storm... we were walking on the top deck of the ship and the lightning was so bright. so we stood there and i held my camera on continuous mode hoping that i could catch a picture of the lightening and then... voila. it is just such an amazing display of the power of lightning, God is so creative.
we had just arrived on the boat and found our room, 8-412, with a balcony! we were pretty happy with it.
this was after our ATV excursion. none of the pictures do justice to how dirty we were. we would drive through the mud and the puddles as fast as we could. i would scream the whole time but just keep on going. we were soaked.
time to wash off at the beach!!
this is me and phoebe doing chocolate facemasks... looked like chocolate, smelled like chocolate, felt like melted chocolate, but was NOT chocolate (didn't taste it though)
leah and i at the beginning of my bachelorette! i have great sisters.
the first honeymoon picture. we stayed at the four points hotel (sheraton) at the airport, in the honeymoon suite. it was the nicest hotel room, with the softest robes and a giant fruit platter!
when we went ATVing in Mexico our tour guide showed us a sink hole. while we were there someone found a baby turtle, the guide was in the middle of talking so i didn't walk over to see it, but really wanted to see it. the tour guide looked around with us but the little turtle was no where to be found! so later on down the path the guide found a turtle, stopped everyone and walked down the line to me so i could take a picture! isn't he cute??
this is in belize. we had lunch at a place called the "wet lizard" and i had a drink called a "blue moon"... it was 40 degrees that day, so i really appreciated its icyness.
i love these cut out things... whenever michael sees them he knows i'm going to make him pose for at least a few pictures. this one was in belize.
this is one of my favorite pictures from the trip. it was during a thunder and lightning storm... we were walking on the top deck of the ship and the lightning was so bright. so we stood there and i held my camera on continuous mode hoping that i could catch a picture of the lightening and then... voila. it is just such an amazing display of the power of lightning, God is so creative.
we had just arrived on the boat and found our room, 8-412, with a balcony! we were pretty happy with it.
this was after our ATV excursion. none of the pictures do justice to how dirty we were. we would drive through the mud and the puddles as fast as we could. i would scream the whole time but just keep on going. we were soaked.
time to wash off at the beach!!
November 24, 2008
another popsicle perhaps?
today i feel like all i can do is lay on the couch or else i will feel sicker...
so today i was thinking, if i was feeling better what would i want to do? or have etc. you know, a list of favorite things (much like what my mom blogged about the other day), so that maybe i can live vicariously through my list...
favorite things:
peppermint tea
falling asleep with a heat pad on my feet
snuggling michael
playing with puppies (like molly!)
kernels popcorn
christmas decorations (although not the blow up ones that people have in their yards, i think those are just tacky)
hanging out with my family
sudoku
the smell and the sound of michael making supper
baking cookies
playing piano and singing
chicken stew
watching (and quoting) friends
clean laundry
hitting the snooze button one more time... and then one more time... and then...
tim tam slam
blistex lip chap
getting pedicures
shepherds pie
Caribbean beaches
having a healthy and healed throat!! :)
i think i just dozed off in the middle of my list, so now i think it's time to add napping to my list, and try it out.
so today i was thinking, if i was feeling better what would i want to do? or have etc. you know, a list of favorite things (much like what my mom blogged about the other day), so that maybe i can live vicariously through my list...
favorite things:
peppermint tea
falling asleep with a heat pad on my feet
snuggling michael
playing with puppies (like molly!)
kernels popcorn
christmas decorations (although not the blow up ones that people have in their yards, i think those are just tacky)
hanging out with my family
sudoku
the smell and the sound of michael making supper
baking cookies
playing piano and singing
chicken stew
watching (and quoting) friends
clean laundry
hitting the snooze button one more time... and then one more time... and then...
tim tam slam
blistex lip chap
getting pedicures
shepherds pie
Caribbean beaches
having a healthy and healed throat!! :)
i think i just dozed off in the middle of my list, so now i think it's time to add napping to my list, and try it out.
November 22, 2008
tear soup
my mom gave michael and i, and josh and leah copies of a book called "Tear Soup". it was written i suppose in a way for those who are grieving to relate with, and for those who are not, to see a little insight into those that are.
I'm going to write it out on here, it will be long. If you prefer to read it and look at the pictures then just remind me when you are over.
Tear Soup by: Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen
A RECIPE FOR HEALING AFTER LOSS
There once was an old and somewhat wise woman whom everyone called Grandy.
She just suffered a big loss in her life. Pops, her husband, suffered the same loss, but in his own way. This is the story of how Grandy faced her loss by setting out to make tear soup.
For many years the custom of making tear soup had been forgotten. As peoples' lives became more rushed they found it much easier to pull "soup in a can" from the shelf and heat it on the stove.
But several years ago Grandy got a taste of a well-seasoned tear soup. One of her friends made it from scratch after her child died.
As soon as Grandy tasted the rich flavor of that carefully made soup, she promised herself never again to assume that quicker was better.
Because of her great loss Grandy knew that this time her recipe for tear soup would call for a big pot.
With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, all the misgiving, all the feelings and all the tears she needed to stew in the pot over time.
She put on her apron because she knew it would get messy.
It seems that grief is never clean. People feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place.
To make matters worse, grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.
And then... Grandy started to cry.
At first she sobbed.
Sometimes she wept quietly.
And sometimes when she was in a safe place where no one could hear her... she even wailed.
Grandy knew she had to make much of this part of the soup alone.
She learned from past experiences that most people don't like being around tears. Her friends would worry if they knew just how many tears Grandy's recipe called for this time.
So the old and somewhat wise woman reflected on her own special recipe as she looked down into the large overflowing pot of memories. It was a task she would repeat many times during the next few months.
Grandy winced when she took a sip of the broth.
All she could taste was salt from her teardrops. It tasted bitter, but she knew this was where she had to start.
And for now, it was the only thing on her menu.
There were things that Grandy never wanted to forget.
These included the good times and the bad times, the silly and the sad times.
With her arms full of memories Grandy made many trips to the kitchen.
One at a time, she slowly stirred all her precious and not so precious memories into the pot.
But eventually she ran out of things to add.
Grandy's arms ached and she felt stone cold and empty.
There were no words that could describe the pain she was feeling.
What's more, when she looked out the window it surprised her to see how the rest of the world was going on as usual while her world had stopped.
Her grandson, Chester, who just wanted his Grandy to be happy again, hoped his chocolate drops would make her feel better.
Mrs. Bloomklotz, Ms. Chadwick and Mr. Long, all brave yet fearful neighbors, dropped by to see how Grandy was doing.
They filled the air with words, but non of their words took the smell of tear soup away.
Grandy was gracious because she knew how helpless her friends felt. They wanted to fix her, but they couldn't. All Grandy really needed from them at that moment was a knowing look and a warm hug.
There were also days when Grandy hungered for a thoughtful ear.
Sometimes she would ask total strangers, "Care to join me in a bowl of tear soup?"
"No thanks", most would reply, "I don't have time for tear soup today."
Even some of Grandy's friends hurried past her house and pretended now to notice the aroma of tear soup coming through her open door.
Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup. The giant bowl, where Grandy could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends.
"I'm here," Midge cried. "I got here as fast as I could and I'll be here whenever you need me. What a tragedy. I'm so sorry you're having to make such a big pot of soup."
Oh what a relief. Grandy knew she didn't have to be careful what she said around Midge.
Midge wouldn't try to talk her out of anything she was feeling. And Grandy could even laugh and not worry that Midge would assume Grandy was over her grief.
"Sorry I couldn't get here sooner," said Midge.
"No problem," replied Grandy. "I've had plenty of help. But most of these friends will be history pretty soon. They'll be over my tragedy long before I am. But I know you'll still be around."
"I don't know what to say, but I'll be glad to listen," Midge said tenderly. "C'mon, tell me all about it while we make some bread to go along with your soup."
These two friends, who had shared a thousand laughs and just as many tears, pounded at the bread dough together.
"I feel like I'm unraveling." Grandy cried. "I'm mad. I'm confused. I can't make any decisions. Nobody can make me feel good. I'm a mess. I just didn't realize it would be this hard."
"Why don't we go for a walk while we wait for the bread to rise," Midge suggested.
"I know exercise is supposed to help me but I feel like I have concrete blocks strapped to my legs. We'd better not go too far or you'll have to carry me home, " moaned Grandy.
Mrs. Cries-a-lot called and reminded Grandy that she had been making tear soup for years and would be more than glad to come right over and show her how to make it the correct way.
"Thanks but no," said Grandy. "This pot has my name on it."
Grandy knew better than to let Mrs. Cries-a-lot or anyone else tell her what she should do to get through this terrible loss.
Next her recipe called for some comfort food.
For Grandy this meant mashed potatoes or ice cream. Comfort food always makes you feel better -- at least for a little while. It gets past that big lump in your throat when other foods can't.
"I think it needs some chocolate too." After all, it was her soup.
Grandy kept attending worship even though she was mad at God.
Sometimes she yelled at God and asked why this happened. And sometimes she demanded to know where God was when she was feeling so all alone.
Still, Grandy trusted God, but she didn't understand God.
She sensed that people believed that if she really had faith she would be spared deep sorrow, anger and loneliness. Grandy kept reminding herself to be grateful for ALL the emotions that God had given her.
On some afternoons people would ask questions like,
"Is it soup yet?" Or,
"How long is it going to take? You have been at this for over a month now. It's time to get out of the kitchen."
Grandy fumed at the caller's advice.
Grandy looked forward to getting the mail each day. She dreaded the day when no more sympathy cards would come.
When she was alone and needed to think she found it helpful to keep notes on her soup making.
Thank goodness Grandy and Pops have been married a long time. They already knew each other's tear soup would be different.
Secretly Grandy wished Pops would put more flavoring in his soup, but he doesn't want to. And he's perfectly content to dine alone and sip his own soup.
Making tear soup is hard work.
Sometimes it was all she could think about. Even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore.
Some of Grandy's friends over the years had not tended to their tear soup. Their soup boiled over and the pot scorched.
What a mess. It took them a long time to clean up their pots and to start over. The smell of burnt soup still lingers in some of their homes.
Grandy knew there were times when she needed to take a break from her soup making. Even thought it was hard to do, she forced herself to get away.
Grandy heard that a neighbor was having to take her turn in the kitchen. Some people thought that the neighbor was eating too much tear soup.
So Grandy, being an old and somewhat wise woman, called and invited her to a special soup gathering where it's not bad manners to cry in your soup or have second helpings.
Soon the thoughtful cooks sat at Grandy's table and discussed the process of making tear soup. There are some parts that require help from friends and some parts you just have to do alone. They shared stories about soup making they wouldn't dare tell anyone else for fear of being judged as a bad cook.
They all laughed knowingly when Grandy remarked, how on days when she was daydreaming while driving, she was glad that car seemed to know where she wanted to go.
These people had become Grandy's "new best friends."
One day as Grandy and Chester were going for a drive, Chester asked, "Mom says you've been making tear soup. What does she mean?"
"Well, tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special. Remember when your baby brother died right before he was born and your mom sat for days holding his blanket and weeping? She was making tear soup."
"You made tear soup yourself by acting out your own disappointment when you shouted at Jason, wishing his brother would die, too."
"Remember when Billy's dog died and he didn't want to play with you? Not feeling like having fun is one of the ingredients of tear soup, also."
"And remember when Aunt Meg got divorced and they had to move? There was a lot of tear soup simmering in that house."
"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup,"
"It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time."
The next morning as Grandy was cleaning up, Chester asked her if she was done making tear soup.
"Well, I don't think you actually ever finish. The hard work of making this batch of soup is almost done though. I'll put the rest in the freezer and will pull it out from time to time to have a little taste."
"So what else have you learned by making tear soup, Grandy?"
"I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it. I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you."
"And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."
"Grandy, you know so much. What will I do after you die?"
"Don't worry, I will leave you my recipe for tear soup."
November 21, 2008
i'm tonsil free!!
so... i'm tonsil free
mom took me this morning to health sciences hospital. i was surprisingly un nervous. i was a little nervous in the morning when i was saying goodbye to michael, there is something about surgery i guess.
well i got there and checked in. didn't have too much of a wait, so that was good. then i was wheeled downstairs to wait. the nurses were super nice and there was one nurse that had the best irish or was it scottish... (not sure, i'm on 2 tylenol 3s right now) accent! it was fabulous.
shortly thereafter a man came and sat beside me to wait. i wasn't really in the most chatty mood... you know with a 48 year old man that i didn't know. so he says "are you nervous?" me: "no not really" him: "well what are you having?" (to which i'm thinking... whoa, a little privacy please), but i smile and politely respond "a tonsillectomy" (now that is a word that makes you sound smart.) i didn't really want to know what he was there for, but i said "well are you nervous?" and he let me know that he was actually quite nervous. then we got into a discussion about how he was having his kidney removed because he had kidney cancer, but he was afraid that they may find more than they bargained for.
i realized at this point that maybe this wasn't about me, but rather about keeping him company and maybe keeping him a little more sane. so we chatted for awhile. the only thing that i wasn't the most fond of was when he said "ya, i was telling my wife this morning that i get the nervous squirts... going to have to go to the bathroom again soon..." maybe too much info.
anyway... then i WALKED into the operating room. i thought that was funny. i joked around with the anesthesiologist for a little while, then he put an oxygen mask on me and told me to breathe from my head all the way into my toes. he was really impressed with my first breath. told me to do one more and then... i woke up! how lovely.
since then i've been feeling a little out of it... and i've been pretty pale apparently. but my mom has been very good at keeping me stocked up with pudding, applesauce, juice, water... you name it. my other mom brought me some flowers and some christmas decorations, which i'm pumped about.
now we (me, michael, mom and dad) are watching our wedding video... well actually just the 10 minute "tour" done by uncle todd... if you haven't seen it, you need to.
ok, that is all. i'm on t-3s so i'm pretty zonked. the pain seems to be all in my left side, especially in my ear and under my jaw. ice seems to help. and no bleeding so far. but it is feeling very hard to swallow. anyway, i need to keep dozing, but just thought i'd throw a random update into cyberspace incase anyone cares to read.
feel free to visit. just know that i'll be kinda out of it.
xox
mom took me this morning to health sciences hospital. i was surprisingly un nervous. i was a little nervous in the morning when i was saying goodbye to michael, there is something about surgery i guess.
well i got there and checked in. didn't have too much of a wait, so that was good. then i was wheeled downstairs to wait. the nurses were super nice and there was one nurse that had the best irish or was it scottish... (not sure, i'm on 2 tylenol 3s right now) accent! it was fabulous.
shortly thereafter a man came and sat beside me to wait. i wasn't really in the most chatty mood... you know with a 48 year old man that i didn't know. so he says "are you nervous?" me: "no not really" him: "well what are you having?" (to which i'm thinking... whoa, a little privacy please), but i smile and politely respond "a tonsillectomy" (now that is a word that makes you sound smart.) i didn't really want to know what he was there for, but i said "well are you nervous?" and he let me know that he was actually quite nervous. then we got into a discussion about how he was having his kidney removed because he had kidney cancer, but he was afraid that they may find more than they bargained for.
i realized at this point that maybe this wasn't about me, but rather about keeping him company and maybe keeping him a little more sane. so we chatted for awhile. the only thing that i wasn't the most fond of was when he said "ya, i was telling my wife this morning that i get the nervous squirts... going to have to go to the bathroom again soon..." maybe too much info.
anyway... then i WALKED into the operating room. i thought that was funny. i joked around with the anesthesiologist for a little while, then he put an oxygen mask on me and told me to breathe from my head all the way into my toes. he was really impressed with my first breath. told me to do one more and then... i woke up! how lovely.
since then i've been feeling a little out of it... and i've been pretty pale apparently. but my mom has been very good at keeping me stocked up with pudding, applesauce, juice, water... you name it. my other mom brought me some flowers and some christmas decorations, which i'm pumped about.
now we (me, michael, mom and dad) are watching our wedding video... well actually just the 10 minute "tour" done by uncle todd... if you haven't seen it, you need to.
ok, that is all. i'm on t-3s so i'm pretty zonked. the pain seems to be all in my left side, especially in my ear and under my jaw. ice seems to help. and no bleeding so far. but it is feeling very hard to swallow. anyway, i need to keep dozing, but just thought i'd throw a random update into cyberspace incase anyone cares to read.
feel free to visit. just know that i'll be kinda out of it.
xox
November 18, 2008
i am auntie ashley because of a perfect baby named Jay.
yesterday i sat in mountain bean drinking my most favorite drink as of late, peppermint tea...
i love how you can put your face over the cup and breathe in and the peppermint fills your mouth, throat, sinuses. i love taking a sip and feeling it run all the way through my body. i really like peppermint tea.
i sat there waiting for a very good friend of mine (adrienne) to meet with me. she called and said she would be about ten minutes, so i took out my journal and just starting writing about the first thing that came to my mind.
july 24th, 2008. i can remember every detail of that day so vividly. i can remember when my mom called me in the middle of the night to say that josh and leah went to the hospital. i can remember which house i was cleaning when mom texted me and said that leah had been pushing for quite awhile and that my little nephew would be there soon.
i can remember exactly where i was when mom phoned crying the way only a brokenhearted granny can to tell me that i would never get to see my nephew breathe, or hear him cry.
i remember who i saw first, in what order, and i can remember the first thing i did when i saw josh and leah, and i can still remember the looks on their faces.
but yesterday my thoughts were brought back specifically to a moment in leah's hospital room, she had to go to the washroom so i had the privilege of holding Jay while she was gone. it was just me and my little nephew. i held him, and rocked him. i kissed every little wrinkle on his face. my tears fell on his blanket. i unwrapped him and held his little toes, looking at each one and how perfect they were. i whispered over and over again to him how much he was loved. how much i loved him. how he will always be my first nephew, the first person in this world to give me the name auntie.
i remember sitting there and praying to God that he would never let me forget this. that he would never let me forget exactly how Jay looked. all his little wrinkles, his perfect little nose, his big feet that would've grown him so much taller. that i wouldn't forget how he smelt or how his skin felt. or how it felt to hold him and to kiss him. that i wouldn't forget how heavy he was, or how he fit perfectly in my arms. that i wouldn't forget how much i could love, did love, and do love little Jay.
and yesterday i was able to tell this to adrienne. to tell her what my nephew looked like and felt like. how soft his skin was and how perfectly curly his hair was. and i cried because i haven't forgotten. i know now i can never forget, but that i only love him more.
i love how you can put your face over the cup and breathe in and the peppermint fills your mouth, throat, sinuses. i love taking a sip and feeling it run all the way through my body. i really like peppermint tea.
i sat there waiting for a very good friend of mine (adrienne) to meet with me. she called and said she would be about ten minutes, so i took out my journal and just starting writing about the first thing that came to my mind.
july 24th, 2008. i can remember every detail of that day so vividly. i can remember when my mom called me in the middle of the night to say that josh and leah went to the hospital. i can remember which house i was cleaning when mom texted me and said that leah had been pushing for quite awhile and that my little nephew would be there soon.
i can remember exactly where i was when mom phoned crying the way only a brokenhearted granny can to tell me that i would never get to see my nephew breathe, or hear him cry.
i remember who i saw first, in what order, and i can remember the first thing i did when i saw josh and leah, and i can still remember the looks on their faces.
but yesterday my thoughts were brought back specifically to a moment in leah's hospital room, she had to go to the washroom so i had the privilege of holding Jay while she was gone. it was just me and my little nephew. i held him, and rocked him. i kissed every little wrinkle on his face. my tears fell on his blanket. i unwrapped him and held his little toes, looking at each one and how perfect they were. i whispered over and over again to him how much he was loved. how much i loved him. how he will always be my first nephew, the first person in this world to give me the name auntie.
i remember sitting there and praying to God that he would never let me forget this. that he would never let me forget exactly how Jay looked. all his little wrinkles, his perfect little nose, his big feet that would've grown him so much taller. that i wouldn't forget how he smelt or how his skin felt. or how it felt to hold him and to kiss him. that i wouldn't forget how heavy he was, or how he fit perfectly in my arms. that i wouldn't forget how much i could love, did love, and do love little Jay.
and yesterday i was able to tell this to adrienne. to tell her what my nephew looked like and felt like. how soft his skin was and how perfectly curly his hair was. and i cried because i haven't forgotten. i know now i can never forget, but that i only love him more.
November 15, 2008
if you hear a voice inside you saying "you aren't a painter" then paint. and that voice will be silenced.
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery
Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
Christ will come again.
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery
Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
Christ will come again
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming.
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes
Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
Christ will come again
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity.
Mystery
Charlie Hall
This is a song that we are planning on singing at the worship night next weekend (although i won't be singing... you know, with the tonsil removal and all.) I love the words, I love how the song sounds, i love how the words feel in my mouth... does that make sense?
Jesus Christ my sanity.
The last year has been so full of ups and downs, hills and valleys. Some of the happiest moments of my life, and the very worst. Leah made a good point today, when someone asked her how she was she talked about how all we know and can cling to is Jesus. Jesus. (Now that is a word that feels good in my mouth) Jesus died, for us, and he is coming back. That is the truth. That is what keeps us sane through all the worst days. I think that is why I feel like crying through every worship song and every time i'm at church, because I am overwhelmed by Jesus, the truth.
Jesus Christ my sanity.
on another note, i've been thinking more and more about the importance of having a group of friends, and of having a "care group" now that we are married. I've thought about having a small group of girls and michael having a group of guys... but I think that what would be best for us is to have a caregroup together. a group that we can hang out with, talk about thoughts, issues, concerns, excitements. people to laugh with us and to cry with us, to pray with us and to come over for dinners and potlucks. problem is... we don't know how to "find" these people. we have at least four names that we are considering asking. this is something very important and i think it's something we need to be prayerfully considering.
it's not that we don't have good friends, because we do, we have great friends. but it is good to have a group.
i want my home to be a place that hosts people, that is welcoming and cozy.
right now we are sitting in my husbands "man haven" :)
he set up a tv, the xbox 360, and the stereo with the futon. the drums are behind us. it is a pretty sweet man haven. we are watching 30 rock, a funny show that was brought to us by josh and leah. right now tracey is attacking conan... that would make more sens
e if you'd ever seen it.
if you haven't... you should be coming over to our man haven (or our cozy upstairs, which is maybe now an "ashley haven"? hehe) to watch an episode. let us know, we'll put the coffee on.
ps. i love my husband.
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery
Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
Christ will come again.
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus, Mystery
Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
Christ will come again
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim his coming.
Celebrate his death and rising
Lift you eyes, lift your eyes
Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
Christ will come again
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity.
Mystery
Charlie Hall
This is a song that we are planning on singing at the worship night next weekend (although i won't be singing... you know, with the tonsil removal and all.) I love the words, I love how the song sounds, i love how the words feel in my mouth... does that make sense?
Jesus Christ my sanity.
The last year has been so full of ups and downs, hills and valleys. Some of the happiest moments of my life, and the very worst. Leah made a good point today, when someone asked her how she was she talked about how all we know and can cling to is Jesus. Jesus. (Now that is a word that feels good in my mouth) Jesus died, for us, and he is coming back. That is the truth. That is what keeps us sane through all the worst days. I think that is why I feel like crying through every worship song and every time i'm at church, because I am overwhelmed by Jesus, the truth.
Jesus Christ my sanity.
on another note, i've been thinking more and more about the importance of having a group of friends, and of having a "care group" now that we are married. I've thought about having a small group of girls and michael having a group of guys... but I think that what would be best for us is to have a caregroup together. a group that we can hang out with, talk about thoughts, issues, concerns, excitements. people to laugh with us and to cry with us, to pray with us and to come over for dinners and potlucks. problem is... we don't know how to "find" these people. we have at least four names that we are considering asking. this is something very important and i think it's something we need to be prayerfully considering.
it's not that we don't have good friends, because we do, we have great friends. but it is good to have a group.
i want my home to be a place that hosts people, that is welcoming and cozy.
right now we are sitting in my husbands "man haven" :)
he set up a tv, the xbox 360, and the stereo with the futon. the drums are behind us. it is a pretty sweet man haven. we are watching 30 rock, a funny show that was brought to us by josh and leah. right now tracey is attacking conan... that would make more sens
e if you'd ever seen it.if you haven't... you should be coming over to our man haven (or our cozy upstairs, which is maybe now an "ashley haven"? hehe) to watch an episode. let us know, we'll put the coffee on.
ps. i love my husband.
October 26, 2008
truth in each circumstance
Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time.
Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time.
There is a season of sadness. A season of anger.
A season of tranquility. A season of hope.
Robert Veninga
i thought a lot about hope today. we sang a song in church today called "hope of the nations"
and i thought a lot about the lyrics of the song. i find that at church i feel safe, and i feel surrounded by God and i feel like i become more aware of my emotions. maybe its because its so easy to get busy during the week. either way, i find that since Jay died i've cried every week at church and that it seems like there is one more thing i realize that i dont understand, and one more reminder of how and why God is still so good.
Jesus, hope of the nations
Jesus, comfort for all who mourn
You are the source of heavens hope on earth
Jesus, light in the darkness
Jesus, truth in each circumstance...
hope and truth, Jesus is still those things, even though I still don't understand.
today was also our one month anniversary of being married.
our home is feeling more and more like our own home... as we sit here, relaxing, drinking peppermint tea, I am thankful.
Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time.
There is a season of sadness. A season of anger.
A season of tranquility. A season of hope.
Robert Veninga
i thought a lot about hope today. we sang a song in church today called "hope of the nations"
and i thought a lot about the lyrics of the song. i find that at church i feel safe, and i feel surrounded by God and i feel like i become more aware of my emotions. maybe its because its so easy to get busy during the week. either way, i find that since Jay died i've cried every week at church and that it seems like there is one more thing i realize that i dont understand, and one more reminder of how and why God is still so good.
Jesus, hope of the nations
Jesus, comfort for all who mourn
You are the source of heavens hope on earth
Jesus, light in the darkness
Jesus, truth in each circumstance...
hope and truth, Jesus is still those things, even though I still don't understand.
today was also our one month anniversary of being married.
our home is feeling more and more like our own home... as we sit here, relaxing, drinking peppermint tea, I am thankful.
October 21, 2008
the leaves fall, the wind blows, and the farm country slowly changes from the summer cottons into its winter wools. -henry beston
In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
Tao Te Ching
i love my family. both of my families actually.
this thanksgiving i had the privilege of going with my new inlaws to ontario (orillia) for chris and emilee's wedding. it was fun to be on a trip with our family as a married couple! altho it was a little warm in our room and there was a light shining in our window! sometimes i think i'm a really light sleeper...
the wedding was beautiful and afterwards we hung out at the hotel with the other thiessens, watching hockey and playing cards.
i'm number 96 in the thiessen clan, emilee was number 99. who will be 100??
then we came back on the sunday night, tracy picked us up and then it was off to the lake with us! we refueled at tim hortons and then had a nice drive up to the cabin. it felt like the first time since coming home from the honeymoon that we had time to just be together and talk about the future and all our plans! what a nice feeling to know that him and i are now a family unit and we can really plan our future because we are in this together forever!
everyone was sleeping when we got there, although mom let me wake her up. :)
the next morning was a later start, but then we had coffee and breakfast
all together. one thing i love about my side of the family is that as adults we are complete, there won't be any other additions, brothers or sisters if that makes sense. the six of us are the family and that is what we can look forward to forever (plus nieces and nephews and children of our own one day!)
i feel like we just know how to work as a family, i couldn't have asked for a better wife for my brother, or a better fit between michael/dad/josh or me/mom/leah. i don't know how to explain it, but this thanksgiving i was struck by how much i love and cherish my family.
i really can't explain it except by saying that i am overwhelmed with thankfulness for our little family unit. how i pray everyday that God will show his faithfulness again to us by giving our family another baby... have faith expect miracles, something my mom has been reminding me.
it rained while we walked down the gravel road at the lake, just a little bit but no one seemed to mind. the colors were so beautiful, and the smell of fall was so fresh. i think God uses fall to express even more of his artistry... maybe thats why its my favorite time of year. i'm always reminded of God's presence, even at times when it feels easiest to doubt.
Jesus, thank you for my family.
When the bold branches
Bid farewell to rainbow leaves-
Welcome wool sweaters.
B. Cybrill
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
Tao Te Ching
i love my family. both of my families actually.
this thanksgiving i had the privilege of going with my new inlaws to ontario (orillia) for chris and emilee's wedding. it was fun to be on a trip with our family as a married couple! altho it was a little warm in our room and there was a light shining in our window! sometimes i think i'm a really light sleeper...
the wedding was beautiful and afterwards we hung out at the hotel with the other thiessens, watching hockey and playing cards.
i'm number 96 in the thiessen clan, emilee was number 99. who will be 100??
then we came back on the sunday night, tracy picked us up and then it was off to the lake with us! we refueled at tim hortons and then had a nice drive up to the cabin. it felt like the first time since coming home from the honeymoon that we had time to just be together and talk about the future and all our plans! what a nice feeling to know that him and i are now a family unit and we can really plan our future because we are in this together forever!
everyone was sleeping when we got there, although mom let me wake her up. :)
the next morning was a later start, but then we had coffee and breakfast
all together. one thing i love about my side of the family is that as adults we are complete, there won't be any other additions, brothers or sisters if that makes sense. the six of us are the family and that is what we can look forward to forever (plus nieces and nephews and children of our own one day!)i feel like we just know how to work as a family, i couldn't have asked for a better wife for my brother, or a better fit between michael/dad/josh or me/mom/leah. i don't know how to explain it, but this thanksgiving i was struck by how much i love and cherish my family.
i really can't explain it except by saying that i am overwhelmed with thankfulness for our little family unit. how i pray everyday that God will show his faithfulness again to us by giving our family another baby... have faith expect miracles, something my mom has been reminding me.
it rained while we walked down the gravel road at the lake, just a little bit but no one seemed to mind. the colors were so beautiful, and the smell of fall was so fresh. i think God uses fall to express even more of his artistry... maybe thats why its my favorite time of year. i'm always reminded of God's presence, even at times when it feels easiest to doubt.
Jesus, thank you for my family.
When the bold branches
Bid farewell to rainbow leaves-
Welcome wool sweaters.
B. Cybrill
October 8, 2008
i'm a thiessen!
so... the past few weeks have been a blur
and now i'm home and i'm a married woman!
it's kinda funny to me how one day i was an engaged woman, then i threw a giant and fun party with michael and my family and friends and now i'm a wife... all it takes is a party!
well... no not really
i've been thinking more and more about how nice it is that michael and i have so many firsts now that we are married
our first home together, our first night together, our first meal in our new home, our own dishes... everything! all the little things are exciting. today i cleaned lint and cat hair out of our dryers vent for an HOUR because it is now OURS and i want it be the best!... an hour for real. i guess thats what happens when you're home alone all afternoon.
the wedding was... wonderful. the day before was fun, but i defintely was overstressed as i left the church and things weren't done. AND i couldn't find our honeymoon documents. thankfully i have wonderful parents who stayed at the church, and then girlfriends who found my documents and then helped me pack.
then we packed into my parents corolla and had a hilarious drive home, discussing ellen's love life (my dad heard a name and ran with it!!)
taking pictures with patty was just so much fun, time literally flew by. then before i knew it we were at the church, I walked down the aisle and then walked out! my only regret about the ceremony was that when i started to get choked up in the middle of my vows i said "oh crap"... not overly lady like of me, but part of the moment i guess. and i don't think many people heard. oh well.
the reception was just a wonderful party, i smiled more than i thought possible and then we were at the hotel beginning the honeymoon. the next day we slept for about 17 hours (seriously) and then i felt more normal!
the honeymoon was wonderful, fun and relaxing. no regrets at all.
now we're home and getting our home set up. OUR OWN HOME!! i just love it. we've already had some people over and i already know that having people over will be one of my favorite things. thanks to our parents we have beautiful new living room furniture. leah walked in and said "ashley! you're a grown up now!!!" funny and true! at least it feels like that
there wasn't really a point to this entry... other than that i remembered i have a blog now so, why not!
stay tuned for other adventures of this newly married woman.
September 20, 2008
to love like that.
i have been meaning to start blogging again...
not sure exactly what the point of blogging is for some people, but for me... i find that it causes me to really just write out what i'm thinking. maybe try to be a little more creative, or maybe just to find something in my day that i feel is worth sharing.
today, i can't get my mind off of love.
which may not come as a surprise for most people considering i'm getting married in six days!!
but tonight it's not romantic love that i'm thinking about.
i'm thinking about the kind of love where you actually feel like your heart is connected to another heart. that you feel like you can feel the joys and the pains of a heart that isn't your own.
wednesday is september 24th... which means jay would have been two months old. its strange, because in some ways it feels like that unimaginable day was so long ago... that my heart has aged by years because of the pain that it feels. but in other ways it feels like it could never be so fresh. i've never felt so much love for someone i barely knew... but jay made me an auntie for the first time... and no one can ever take that place no matter what.
tonight i felt like i could feel the pain in leah's heart just for a few moments, when i hugged her and cried, i don't even know how to explain it. leah is more than my sister, i just love her so much and know that there is nothing that anyone can do to fix her broken heart. and in some strange ways that is ok because "fixing" it wouldn't do anything really... a confusing thought.
i don't get it. i don't get why this happened. i don't think i ever will.
i think it will be hard on friday, walking through a day where a very integral family member is missing. God, i pray that you will be close. i pray that we will depend on you.
love.
i really love this website where you can read quotes. i don't really know how you get to be "quoted", because some of the quotes are really just normal things that most people would say but some guy gets credited for it... maybe i could get quoted saying "i love quotes" and it could make it onto the website. anyway, back to the thought on quotes: i was reading quotes on the website today and came across this one:
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
not that i wanted a remedy for love, but its an interesting thought.
our scripture for the wedding is ephesians 5:1&2 from the message. it talks about how God loves, his love was not cautious but extravagant. LOVE LIKE THAT.
oh to love like that... its a hard thought when my heart feels broken today because of the love in my heart for jay and the fact that he will never get to experience it.
to love like that. without caution.
God i pray that you will close. that you will surround us with your extravagant love. God that tonight you will cover josh and leah and that they would feel your love like that. God, show me, despite the hurt and the uncertanties how to love extravagantly. still.
.... love like that.
not sure exactly what the point of blogging is for some people, but for me... i find that it causes me to really just write out what i'm thinking. maybe try to be a little more creative, or maybe just to find something in my day that i feel is worth sharing.
today, i can't get my mind off of love.
which may not come as a surprise for most people considering i'm getting married in six days!!
but tonight it's not romantic love that i'm thinking about.
i'm thinking about the kind of love where you actually feel like your heart is connected to another heart. that you feel like you can feel the joys and the pains of a heart that isn't your own.
wednesday is september 24th... which means jay would have been two months old. its strange, because in some ways it feels like that unimaginable day was so long ago... that my heart has aged by years because of the pain that it feels. but in other ways it feels like it could never be so fresh. i've never felt so much love for someone i barely knew... but jay made me an auntie for the first time... and no one can ever take that place no matter what.
tonight i felt like i could feel the pain in leah's heart just for a few moments, when i hugged her and cried, i don't even know how to explain it. leah is more than my sister, i just love her so much and know that there is nothing that anyone can do to fix her broken heart. and in some strange ways that is ok because "fixing" it wouldn't do anything really... a confusing thought.
i don't get it. i don't get why this happened. i don't think i ever will.
i think it will be hard on friday, walking through a day where a very integral family member is missing. God, i pray that you will be close. i pray that we will depend on you.
love.
i really love this website where you can read quotes. i don't really know how you get to be "quoted", because some of the quotes are really just normal things that most people would say but some guy gets credited for it... maybe i could get quoted saying "i love quotes" and it could make it onto the website. anyway, back to the thought on quotes: i was reading quotes on the website today and came across this one:
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
not that i wanted a remedy for love, but its an interesting thought.
our scripture for the wedding is ephesians 5:1&2 from the message. it talks about how God loves, his love was not cautious but extravagant. LOVE LIKE THAT.
oh to love like that... its a hard thought when my heart feels broken today because of the love in my heart for jay and the fact that he will never get to experience it.
to love like that. without caution.
God i pray that you will close. that you will surround us with your extravagant love. God that tonight you will cover josh and leah and that they would feel your love like that. God, show me, despite the hurt and the uncertanties how to love extravagantly. still.
.... love like that.
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