a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices!

o holy night the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear Savior's birth
long lay the world in sin and error pining
til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

fall on your knees...
he knows our need...
behold your King...
before Him, lowly bend.

o night divine.

it is finally christmas! and a wonderful one at that. Michael and I were driving out to my parents house today and we were saying that one reason why we love Christmas so much, is we get to surround ourselves with people that we love, and spend intentional time just being together. Unhurried, and relaxed.

I love giving gifts at Christmas. I love picking out each gift and trying to make sure it's something they will really like and enjoy. This morning I was telling my mom that I'm so excited to give her gifts to her. Why? Because I am sure she will really like them, and know that they were chosen specifically for her. What a wonderful tradition, one that is a very small scale example of the meaning of Christmas, the true indescribable gift!

I am so thankful that God chose to lavish his love upon us by giving us Jesus. A tiny little innocent, helpless babe. I'm sure he was cute with curious eyes, and maybe even a dimple or two. Everett was born 1 week ago today... and let me tell you, I love this little guy. More than I thought I could! And to be honest, it is hard to share him (and I'm only his auntie!). i mean, I want everyone to be able to see how cute he is, and hear his little cry and squeaks! But I want to spend as much time with him as I can. How much more did God love Jesus! and then he chose to share him with us.. knowing what would happen. What an extravagant gift.

I love the way God choses to continually drench us in His love. He loves everyone, the young, the old, the weak, the oppressed, the strong(er), the joyful... everyone! No matter how fragile we are, no matter how little we feel we can give back to him. He lavishes his love on us.

One of my favorite moments of this Christmas season so far was last week when I went with our Candlelight Choir to Donwood Manor personal carehome. We were almost done our program and we began walking to the back of the room while the piano played a verse of Silent Night. We were going to sing a verse in German once we were all lined up. All of a sudden, the most beautiful, fragile and broken voice starts to sing. This woman was sitting alone, and didn't seem to care that everyone was staring at her... some of them disapprovingly trying to show her she shouldn't be singing. But it was beautiful. It made the tears well up, and my throat became tight. Singing about the innocence and beauty of that silent night... Jesus, Lord at thy birth.

Thank you God for this magnificent, indescribable gift.

Merry Christmas!

welcome to the world! everett john klassen

my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
and my spirit exalts in God my Saviour...

Holy, holy, holy is His name.

haste, haste, to bring Him laud

What Child is this who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom Angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and Angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh,
Come peasant, king to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.

Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby.
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

I think this is my favorite christmas carol. I love the lilt it has, the rocking motion in the harmonies. I love that it's in a minor key. I love the building feeling leading up to the "chorus" section of each verse, and that each verse ends with the exact same line. I love the simplicity of it, that works alongside the deep richness of the message.

when I sing this song, and hear the lilting harmonies and rhythm I picture Mary holding Jesus and rocking him back and forth. he is wrapped up so snug, and his breathing is regular and peaceful. Mary is overwhelmed with love for him, and is mesmirized by the softness of his skin and all of his tiny perfect features. the message of Christ is sung to the same lilt of mary's rocking & lullaby.. nails! spears shall pierce him through the cross be bourne for me, for you... to think of these awful things when thinking of a baby, of baby Jesus. to think that God sent Him as this tiny little sweetheart, all for us, all for sacrifice and love. for redemption.

on saturday night at caregroup we were talking about God's kindness. his infinite love, and his choice to love on us, who are dust.

¹⁴ For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
¹⁵ Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
¹⁶ The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
¹⁷ But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him. (psalm 103:14-17)

and i was thinking back to the last few months and when I think of Jesus, I think of redemption. i celebrate the birth of Jesus, the tiny little baby snuggled by Mary so many years ago, and I hear the truth ringing out that nails and spears pierced his skin, and spilled his blood, and I am in awe of his redemption. of his love for me, despite my unfaithfulness and the fact that i truly am dust. I thank him for his redeeming power over all situations, and the fact that he doesn't justify crappy situations like the world so often tries to, but he redeems them, and continues to love us.

this... THIS! (loving, redeeming, forgiving, merciful, ever present God) is Christ the King.. Joy, JOY! for Christ is born, the babe, the Son of Mary...

once upon a time, the world was just a message in a paper cup

if you look really close there's a rip in the sky
and you can see the universe

stop and look at the sun
tell me what have you done today that left you dreaming? what you want : hayley sales

such a strange couple of days this week
some very good things mixed in with random awkward conversations, offensive comments and some anxiety. it's been a strange couple of days!

there have been some very wonderful things tho, so let me share some of them with you

quality time with my hubby (since we got the kittens, we are making more of an effort to just be at home, and realizing that just because we are home doesn't mean we have a "free evening" to invite people over or fill it with something busy. Being home and together is something that needs to be done purposefully!); afternoon starbucks visit with audrey (you really are a breath of fresh air for me!); chinese food from comodo (i'm glad we discovered that place); a visit with my mom while waiting for my dad (good, but too brief!); christmas shopping with my dad (this year we decided to go before christmas eve! hehe sometimes he leaves it to the last minute. but this time we knew what to get mom, so it only took us 30 minutes!); mountain bean with phoebe (chatting, laughing, discussing, listening, loving, and a little bit of reading/studying); reading (i've been getting into novels again recently, and really enjoy losing myself in the story); snuggling with my kitties (they really are so sweet); matt & shauna came over (we love you 2!); finding christmas gifts online (hopefully they all make it before christmas!)

and much more. life is more sweet when you focus on the good!

also, i'm really excited that it's 8 days till my first christmas gift, and 15 days till christmas. i still don't have my tree which i'm not happy about! but i'm listening to a lot of christmas music and i'm hoping to do a puzzle with 2 wonderful gentlemen on saturday. i love christmas time!

such a cold december...

I've been waiting, pacing along the halls ever since you left here
I've been cleaning, scrubbing the plates and weeding out the garden dear
I can't fall asleep to your mystery slowly blowing from the shore (cold december: matt costa)

this is the first song i listened to today once i sat down at my desk
i was not excited about coming today. one week alone so far and... well it is lonely.

i'm feeling as tho maybe i bit off more than i could chew
or maybe i'm just underestimating myself

my heart is also feeling anxious today
kind of like my heart beat and my breathing can't cooperate, like they are trying to race
and the race is leaving me feeling like i should run outside into the cold december air, take in a deep breath and let the icy air send a chill into my lungs
it's making me feel like there are tears ready to just spill over my eye lids
i'm anxious. 11 days left on our countdown and i'm so reminded of july 24th and the freshness of despair. it catches my breath in my throat again and it feels tight

i've never felt such a mixture of sadness and total joy at the same time. i can hardly wait for this little one. and sometimes all i can do is sit and cry missing the first babe to make me an auntie!

working alone isn't helping my anxiety much, and it's only been a week.
i'm not exactly sure where i'm going with this post, maybe i'm only trying to write out how i'm feeling so that i can calm down a bit. and there is no one to tell this too here in person (altho conrad did just stop by my desk with this amish friendship bread that will take me 10 days to make, then he listened while i told him it was hard to work alone! he's such a nice guy)

anyway, 11 days and my heart can hardly wait.
AND it is so cold outside, winter is finally here, i think!
i spent some good time with my families this weekend, and i was so thankful. interesting how you can feel SO lonely in one situation and just an hour or two later feel so totally loved and surrounded in a different setting. what a blessing.

who are you really?

i used to (wait, thats a lie.. i, STILL have) a book of quizzes titled "who are you really?"
this book is well used, scribbled on, pages are ripped. this book has initials beside answers, initials of my best friends from elementary school, friends from Mennonite Children's Choir, my brother, my cousins, junior high friends, and most recently initials from michael's family when we went camping.

this book is full of quizzes with ridiculous titles like, "are you a guy magnet?" "what do your dreams say about you?" "organized or unorganized?" "forever or fairweather friend?" and so on and so on

there is something fun and light hearted about doing these quizzes, and normally you figure it out pretty quickly... if i always choose the second answer... i WILL be a guy magnet! they are funny to me because i am a firm believer in the fact that you can't have a little paragraph decide who you are. no book or quiz or test that i read or write will ever be able to really tell me who i am. you can buy books, quizzes, and take online tests to find out who you are. ohhh i THOUGHT that was what my gift was! but i didn't know until this test told me...

i remember one of the times i took a "spiritual gift" test, it was in the first semester of Outtatown, and i remember it very specifically because at the end of it, it said i had gifts of hospitality, faith, compassion... but music, well music wasn't on there. i couldn't believe it. all this time i had been participating in church, singing on teams and trying to get involved, and now this test showed me the light, i WASN'T gifted with the spiritual gift of music. but, then why do i feel like i am? i struggled with that for a long time, because so many other people had tests that confirmed what they already believed or did, and mine didn't. thankfully, that didn't actually stop me from singing, playing piano and being involved. i decided that my heart probably knew me more than any test could.

recently i've struggled (over the past couple of years) with the fact that people (some directly and some indirectly) have questioned "who is Ashley really??" especially over the fact that i chose not to complete my degree, 6 credits short. i feel like i struggled with feeling like music therapy ashley wasn't actually the real ashley at all, and finally after very tear filled and sleepless nights i decided that i needed to be the real ashley. but that has followed with a lot of questioning, doubt and disappointment from some. it is hard to feel like you know a little bit (at least) of who you are, and yet people don't think it's enough (disclaimer: i'm not talking about my family or closest friends, just a good 3-4 handfuls of other people)

now i am struggling with a combination of a gut feeling, mixed with passion, mixed with unresolved hurts, confidence in skills, nudgings and stirrings related to another decision. one that i've technically missed the deadline for (yesterday) but still feel as tho this may not be done yet. so i'm trying to trust and pray, and be patient. it's not a question of, who am i really? but.. what's next?

this would make life a little more noisy, and fun.

a taste of november... in pictures

i'm dreaming of a white christmas...

i really am dreaming of a white christmas.
not dreaming about driving in it... but dreaming of being cozy in my living room and watching the flakes float down.

these last couple of days chandler (one of my 2 kittens) has been really interested in what is outside of our house. when i get home i open the front door to get the mail, and the last couple of days he has stopped what he's been doing and bolts over to try and get out of the door. So, yesterday i picked him up and stood outside with him while i got the mail. it was pretty chilly so i think the 30 seconds was enough to satisfy him for the rest of the "winter", not to mention when the snow actually flies!

i officially started my christmas shopping on tuesday, altho i only bought 2 things, and only spent 5 bucks... but still! it's a start. I really do need to get on that.

i love giving gifts. i love dreaming of what to get for people, what to make them. What would really show them that they are special to me, and not just another name on my list of people to buy for. i'm really bad at opening gifts, because i never know what to say when i open them. but i love opening a gift that i KNOW was chosen very specifically for me. i wonder if i could find a job that would allow me to spend all day finding, buying, making gifts for people. that would be the best!

anyway, christmas is so soon, and well the christmas gift i'm looking forward to most is one week sooner than that!!

i bought a new christmas cd at starbucks the other day, and it is quite the mix. there is a version of "favorite things" that i just love to bop around to, and it makes michael just shake his head and laugh at me :) but i like to listen to it and think about all of my favorite things

family, being married, singing, worshiping Jesus, being at the lake, big snowflakes, peppermint mochas, my many wonderful friends, being cozy, reading, snuggling, hot hot baths, writing letters, receiving letters, my 2 kitties, christmas music, louis armstrong, game shows (hehe, i can just picture michael rolling his eyes at that one)... and so many more

raindrops on roses...

deliver me

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

CHORUS:
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me, deliver me.... deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

----

this song has been playing in my head since we had a practice for our last worship night. this song has resonated in my soul for the past 16 months, and this song resonates in me today.

one of my dearest friends just told me some very hard news about her family, and my heart is aching for her. in situations like this we don't know what to pray, or how to pray. and i feel like all i can ask is for Jesus to deliver her. deliver her family. come and pull her through. JESUS JESUS! how we have trusted you, and how we have proved you over and over! Jesus, deliver her.

my dear friend, i love you so much. and will be holding you up to Jesus the way you have helped hold me up especially in the last 16 months. praying for Jesus's strength to be your strength especially now.

when love came down...

christmas is so close, and this year i am more excited than i've been for a long time

christmas used to hold so much anticipation and excitement. the lights, the music, the snow
the tree, the presents, the family gatherings, snowmobiling, laughing, fresh lemon buns in the morning

then as i got older i always wondered why it didn't "feel" like christmas some years. i think i got caught up in past memories and emotions rather than anticipating the true meaning of christmas and all the new and exciting things each year. the last few years i feel like i've come back to the anticipation and excitement

celebrating advent, remembering and being thankful for "His indescribable gift" (2nd Corinthians 9:15b) . family, laughter, more family, church services and the fun of picking out gifts very specifically for people.

i just really love christmas. the Reason, the season, the music, the lights, the gift giving (and receiving.. i'll admit!), the time with family. it is all kind of magical.

last night i found my "christmas mix 2007" and have been playing that in the car. i love driving around in the car belting out christmas songs! Today a guy drove up beside me and gave me a look like "she is CRAZY" because I was singing and bopping, yes bopping around in my car.

this christmas is going to be very different than last christmas, and we are going to have a little bundle of joy with us. a little babe with chubby cheeks that this auntie can't wait to snuggle and kiss!!!

my goal this year is to also include at least 1 homemade gift for each person that I'm giving a gift too... we shall see how that turns out.

time to go back to my day, humming christmas tunes the whole way thru!

christmas eve... 2 am...

creativity

my photography class is done
9 weeks later, and what have i taken away from it?
tons! things i never knew you could do, features on my camera i was always too scared to use
i even spent time in a dark room today developing a picture!
i've spent more time with my camera
my eye sees things that i never took the time to notice

we were supposed to bring in one of the pictures that we've taken (not just in the last 9 weeks) that was one of our favorites

i looked thru a bunch of my picture folders on my computer, and i continued to settle on the same photo. i've already posted it on here, but i'm going to post it again, and tell you why i love it.
this picture is of my sister, and she is beautiful. this picture is about new life. this picture speaks to me of hope, and beauty and anticipation. it's a reminder that i'm an auntie, for the 2nd time! it's a reminder of someone who takes care of herself, everything that she does, she puts the baby first.
the picture is simple, it is blown out, but to me it looks perfect. i've never seen a pregnant belly quite like leah's, and i love it! Leah, you are beautiful! i don't think this picture is good because of any skill that i have, or anything that i have learned. but i am glad i can take credit for it! :)

i'm so excited to continue to learn about photography, about my camera, and to continue seeing the world thru a new creative lens! God, thank you for creativity! for blessing us with beauty all around us, and within us, and for every time that we discover it anew.

oh how do I love thee... let me count thy ways...

yesterday was a very special day for my little family... it was Michael's birthday!
he was quite excited about this one, he's been looking forward to being 21.
when people ask him why he's so excited about being 21, well he's not really sure, he just is excited!

i wrapped his gifts on monday and he's been wanting to open them ever since. i love how excited he gets about gifts, he's probably my favorite person to buy for. even if he has a list, he still is surprised when he gets the gifts! and this birthday he pretty much got everything he wanted.

so our plan yesterday was to go to the keg with our gift certificate and spoil ourselves on their delicious steaks and twice baked potatoes. mmm mouth watering good. however, he ended up needing to work a little late, so by the time he came home we decided it would be more fun to have a night in. so we ordered our regular: 2 dinner for 1's both with chicken balls, and an order of consomme soup. when we got our food we did our usual trade, 2 of my chicken balls for his spring roll, and we settled in to enjoy our food and conversation. then in true "grown up" fashion, we settled in with a dreamworks movie: over the hedge, and laughed thru it.
i think we'll probably go to the keg on friday and enjoy the food then, but last night was just a stay in kind of night.

i'm very thankful for my wonderful husband. he is my best friend, the love of my life! i think he is so funny, caring, strong, thoughtful, genuine, servanthearted, musically talented, smart, creative, crazy, attractive, loving and all around the best guy I could ever ask for. i am more in love with him than i was on his last birthday, and i'm already excited about how much more I will love him by the next one!! happy birthday sweetie, this spoofler loves you & always will.

day by day

again it has been a LONG time since I've written on here... not sure how that happens
sometimes because I think i don't have anything interesting to say
and sometimes because of being busy.

things have gone into a pretty natural routine around our house, and i like that
mike & i work well together, and it is just really fun to live with him! some nights we are falling asleep on the couch by nine, and other nights we're up till 1 am talking about anything and everything.

we've been talking a lot lately about the future, about job dreams, financial worries and following our passions. i find that its easy to say "i'm trusting God with the future", but it's very different to actually trust! especially when it comes down to how money plays into everything. it is also very good to be content where we are in the mean time.

we've also been talking a lot about how our lives will change in 45 days. as we will be auntie ashley & uncle mikey for the second time. my heart actually begins to beat faster when i think about it. i can't wait to meet this little one, and i'm so thankful for all the little kicks and pushes i've felt so far. i'm thankful leah doesn't mind me holding her belly all the time, because this auntie sure loves those moments.

it seems like our lives have moved into a nice pattern, but at the same time there is so much transition and anticipation underlying everything! anticipating the sale of my parents house, the start of the retreat house build, the first cry of the newest addition to our family! transition in continuing to learn to live together, trusting and waiting on decisions about jobs & school, transitions in our families, still learning to live each day missing Jay.

i wonder if other people have this much going on, or if they don't, if they are bored? i don't think i'll ever know!

*** Also! today, I want to wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear friend:

ELLEN HOPE PAULLEY!!!!

i am very thankful for you, and for all the times we've had together! living together, talking, laughing, crying, knitting, watching friends, going to HAWAII. you will always be one of my favorite people, and i hope you have a wonderful day and an even more wonderful year. you are creative, inspiring, adventurous, wise, funny, thoughtful & compassionate. and simply fabulous!

josh & leah, and baby on the way!

I spent some time with Josh and Leah this weekend, taking pictures of baby#2 at eight months, they are easy to take pictures of! thanks for letting me take pictures of you guys. love you and can't wait to meet baby!!

sing of the Lord's goodness...

it's thanksgiving weekend
what a great thing, a long weekend to spend with family and friends and be thankful.

after work on friday i stopped by to visit a friend that had a hard day on thursday. i talked to her husband to find out her favorite drink. a skinny decaf caramel macchiato, extra hot. i discovered that you can have peppermint mochas ALL year long. i showed up on her doorstep and was greeted with no hesitation, but a hug and an invitation to stay. we talked and talked. the kids were home and were fooling around. i love this family. i could've stayed all night (the oldest boy said to me when I was leaving: are you leaving now? i thought you would NEVER leave!... i don't think he actually knows what that means, but it was pretty funny) i am very thankful for this family.

friday night it snowed, and it snowed and it snowed.
i took my camera outside on the tripod.
i played with shutter speeds, with apertures. i took pictures of light, and was lucky enough to catch a car driving around the corner at just the right time. i danced in the yard as the snow fell. i'm very thankful for fun and creativity.

yesterday I spent the whole day with Michael. just michael. i woke up and read for a few hours. we snuggled on the couch. we laughed over the Office. we went grocery shopping. we went out for lunch. we worked together in the kitchen. we cleaned. we talked. we laughed. we each made part of supper and we just enjoyed being together. i am thankful for a day like yesterday!

last night I talked with shauna on the phone for awhile. I have very few friends that call me anymore. Calling people just to talk isn't something that many people do. but Shauna and I do sometimes and i love it. it can be about something serious or nothing at all. i am very thankful for Shauna (and Matthew!)

today we had our caregroup over for lunch, michael and i made lasagnas, salad, dips, garlic bread, dessert, coffee... it was a joint effort, and i'm very thankful for Michael. and I am very thankful for our many wonderful friends.

this evening we will be going to have supper with my Dad. I'm finding it strange that we don't have a single family gathering this weekend. i'm feeling a little sad about it, like something is missing. My mom has only been gone (to Colorado) for 2 days, and I feel like she's been gone forever. Yesterday I just needed to call her to ask her a question and I felt so lost knowing I couldn't call her!! But we will go have supper with my Dad and enjoy being with him. My dad always makes me laugh. There is no one in the world that I love the way I love my Dad. And no one in the world loves me how he does. I am very thankful for my Mom and Dad. (both sets!)

i'm hoping to take some shots of my sister soon. I've never met anyone that radiated so beautifully with pregnancy. Pregnancy and Leah are just a beautiful pair. I am thankful for babies. I am thankful to be an auntie. I am thankful for my brothers and my sisters.

this morning I was blessed by the sermon (Pierre Gilbert spoke this week). i was blessed by the way that he talked about WHY we thank God. he chose to talk about suffering, and how we don't expect it, but when it comes it hits us like a 2x4 in the face. he talked about praise and thanksgiving in the midst of suffering. that we do not praise the situation or what has happened. that we don't sing a few songs or read a few lines to CONVINCE ourselves that we want to praise. but that we need to have a life orientation in one thing. GOD IS GOOD. so that no matter what is going on in our lives, peace and joy, or utter despair and chaos, we can still know that God is good, even when everything else is very much NOT good. i'm not doing justice to this sermon with my few lines on here. but I am thankful that God is good.

so we may not be getting together this weekend for "thanksgiving", yet my weekend is full of giving thanks.

oh snow, brown earth is hid from sight...

looking out my window today makes me wonder if i transported myself 2 months into the future!
only a few days ago it was still bright, sunny and warm. and today, the biggest fluffiest snowflakes are filling the sky.
it is blustery.
everyone around me seems to be shocked that it's snowing. i always think its funny how people who have lived here their whole lives are still shocked when the snow falls! but every year in october we are "surprised" by these delightful fluffy flakes. i'm not surprised. nor am i upset.

snow falling to me is like rain falling. peaceful. tranquil. fresh. fascinating.
what a cool creator we have. that he thinks of transitioning our world from season to season with changes in color, and sprinkles the season change on us from the heavens.

since April I have literally been holding my breath for winter. this part, however is not normal for me. I may love the snow, but fall is most certainly my favorite. and i do love the summer because it means wearing flip flops, drinking lemonade and being at the cabin. But this year is different.

one normal day in April I received a text from my sister who I love so much, saying that she was dropping by to drop off something with Josh. We were off to caregroup that night, but we had some time to have them stop by. Leah told me she had read some stuff on my blog and was thinking of me. i love how my family knows my heart. and we are together in the happiness and the deepest sorrow. my sisters heart and my heart know one another! She handed me a card, and I opened it and had to read it 3 times before i looked up at her and knew.

We were being invited to a birthday party in december. just less then 9 months away. i was going to be an auntie for the 2nd time. it was like opening a card with a fresh wind of hope. a little taste of our lives being restored. Jay is getting a baby brother or sister! and I am the most blessed auntie.

since then my heart has been longing for the winter.
since then i have seen ultrasound pictures of this little one. i've found out whether i'm waiting for a niece or a nephew (but i'm not telling you!). i've felt the kicks, the pushes, and the strokes of this little one. i like to think we're already friends, baby and I.

I love how God restores. I love that even tho we wonder why it has to be SO cold, He still knows what is needed for our land. he knows when to let the rain pour, or the snow float down.
and my favorite part, God knows how to fill this heart of mine with even more love. i think that the more nieces or nephews that come into my life will only continue to expand my heart. the piece of my heart that is Jay's will ALWAYS be his. and so God continues to grow my heart, open it up and fill all of those spaces with love. for each one.

some people see winter as bleak, cold, grey... this year I see it with eyes of hope, and restoration and anticipation for all that is coming.

*the subject is from this song we sang in WMCC. i never used to like it, but i really do now:

O snow, which sinks so light,

Brown earth is hid from sight,

O soul, be thou as white as snow.

O snow, which falls so slow,

Dear earth quite warm below;

O heart, so keep thy glow,

Beneath the snow.

O snow, in thy soft grave

Sad flowers the winter brave;

O heart, so soothe and save,

As does the snow.

The snow must melt, must go,

Fast, fast as water flow.

Not thus, my soul, O sow

Thy gifts to fade like snow.

O snow, thou art white no more,

Thy sparkling too, is o’er;

O soul, be as before,

Was bright the snow.

Then as the snow all pure,

O heart be, but endure,

Through all the years full sure,

Not as the snow.

(C. Alice Elgar)

a few shots from my last class assignment - shutter speeds

the air is still
her steps are labored
but she moves ahead

the ground is gray
crunching under her feet
the fog is thick

moving forward
reaching out
longing for a drink

walking for days
weeks
months

moving ahead
stumbling
stopping
moving back
not moving
moving again

forward.

eyes closed
coolness beneath her fingertips
stability
a friend
a glass
filled to overflowing

a drink
of love, sweeter than honey
a friend
her name on His lips
love, sweeter than honey

a drink
of peace, like rain on dry land
a friend
her name on His lips
peace, like rain on dry land

a drink
of hope, like a breath of fresh air
a friend
her name on His lips
hope, like a breath of fresh air

a friend, her friend
meeting her
loving her
refreshing her

at the well

love like that

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but EXTRAVAGANT. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
ephesians 5:1 the message

a year ago that was the passage that we had for our wedding ceremony. and i still like to read it over and over and think about God's extravagant love. amazing love.

this morning i wrote this after listening to the worship in singing portion of our service, including the words from 2 of the songs that really spoke to me this morning:

Love unfailing.
Overtaking my heart.
You
take
me
in.
Finding peace again.

Fear is LOST

in ALL YOU ARE.

our God is an AWESOME God
He reigns from heaven above

with WISDOM

with POWER

and LOVE

our God is an awesome God

*i humble myself to love you *

This was the main line in Frank and Karis' wedding vows.
What a good line. I actually think it started by saying "I choose to..."

So now Michael and I have been married for one whole year. and it has been FULL.
Full of learning. Full of fun. Full of family. Full of faith. Full of church life. Full of grief. Full of adjustments.
Full of love. Full of love. Full of love.

FULL.

I have learned that being married doesn't mean your relationship is always perfect or always seemless. Some days you have to choose again (as if for the first time) to humble yourself.

To choose to love.

I think being married has really shown me how important love is. That when you are based in love, you are a strong team. (and God is LOVE). Even when I've felt like I was drowning in grief, I am help up and anchored by love.

I've often said to Michael that he has taught me so much about Jesus. Michael isn't Jesus, I know that! but he has shown me, many times already, unconditional love.
On days when I'm so grumpy that he can't do anything right. On days when I'm feeling so sad that I just want to sit with him and cry. On days when I'm so tired that I want to just sit. On days when I want to dress up and go out on a special date. On days that are really just 'normal' and on days when I'm just my crazy self (ask Michael about my unique dance moves!). On all of those days he loves me and shows me love.
I have learned a lot about love from my family. I have always felt drenched in love. But one of the most special differences is that even tho I know my family still has to choose to love me, to an extent... they are still my family, and sort of have to love me (to a certain extent of course!), we are together forever. By the same token, Michael doesn't "have" to love me. Our paths never had to cross.
But everyday he chooses to love me. He chooses to take my family as his. He chooses me!
And God chooses us, every minute, of everyday. Amazing.

I feel pretty blessed to have the priviledge to love Michael. To talk to him, to make a home with him. To share our families. To be a family. To make meals together. To clean the house together. To snuggle. To laugh. To take care of him. To tease him. To know him like no one else does.
I am so blessed.

On my wedding day I could've never imagined being more in love with Michael John Thiessen. But you know what? i love him about a million times more now than I did then.

I am so thankful for this man of mine. For a God who chose to bless me and show me His love thru Michaels love, and so many other ways. For a family that has been such an example of love. I have grown up watching my parents, my Grandparents and Josh & Leah.
And I am so thankful for the love they share and for the example they have been.

Thank you Jesus for this love. Thank you for Michael and our 1st year. I pray that we will only grow in our love as the 1st year turns to the 2nd, the 5th, the 10th, 25th and so on.
That we will learn more every day to love like that.

cookies cookies and more cookies!

i've become really bad at this blogging thing...

but i thought i'd sit down now and write something!

today is my very first photography class! i'm quite nervous.. everyone keeps reassuring me, but I'm still very nervous... i don't know exactly where it is, what it'll be like, how many people there will be, will other people be using film or will everyone else be digital? all of these unknowns! I don't even know where to park! so, i will be going early and will probably sit in my car once i find where i'm going. kinda lame, but that's the way i am!

i was hoping to sleep in this morning, i've had a very busy week! it's only 11:45 am and my feet are already asking me to sit down!! i woke up to the sound of both of my dad's chatting outside my window, so i was up. i spent a little bit of time playing at my piano... and weeping. one of those sad mornings where i just need to sit, sing and cry.

i was brought back to a few years ago (2006) as I sang "tis so sweet to trust in Jesus"
i closed my eyes and i could remember walking through the woods on the path from my parents place to my grandma & grandpa's. Grandpa was already quite sick at this point, pretty close to when he went into the hospital. He had called me and told me that he would like me to help him choose some songs for his funeral, so I was walking to his place. I walked very slowly that day, feeling my heart grow heavier at the reality of that situation. and then this song came to mind, and i walked even slower as I sang "Jesus, Jesus... how I trust you. How I've proved you o'er & o'er.. Jesus Jesus, precious Jesus. Oh for strength to trust you more!!"

this morning I was brought back to that moment, and it began to interweave with my feelings of grief now. i took new notice of a line in one of the verses today: just from Jesus simply taking, life & rest, & joy & peace ... and i just spent some time thinking about how freely Jesus offers all of these things to us, life, rest, joy & peace. no matter how I've been angry with him, or been frustrated, or absent. he continues to freely give. Oh for strength to trust him MORE.

i had the pleasure of phoebe's company for a little while this morning, so that was nice. and then i baked.. for 3 1/2 hours straight. What do I have to show for myself this morning: a nicely made bed, a load of clean dishes, done., a pile of dirty dishes from baking in the sink, 3 loads of laundry, a texas sheet cake, a container of icing (i made too much!), 60 vanilla pudding cookies, 60 chocolate pudding cookies, & clean hair! woo. quite the accomplishment :)

tomorrow is the appreciation party for my mom, I think it will be fun. And then we have the Come, Walk & Pray at mom and dad's new land.. I'm very much looking forward to it.

oh! and on Monday, I get to work at my new desk... we moved from upstairs to downstairs at our office, so I'm looking forward to it.

Anyways, time to get ready for my class!

10 things!

a few things to share today:

1. my parents found favor with the council of the municipality! YES! the build can begin. yesterday when Michael and I stopped to pray just before the meeting was about to begin, I felt that God was in control and that we could trust him, but I was still a little nervous! Praise God that this is one more step forward.

2. it's less than 4 months till christmas. i've never been as excited for that as I am this year!

3. i forget to blog sometimes because I don't always feel like going on my computer after working on one all day!

4. yesterday we snuck our supper into the movie theater in my giant purse. yum.

5. as of today i've been married for 11 months!

6. i saw the baby kick on Monday. !! so cute, just poking around in leah's belly!

7. i'm way too excited about getting my norwex mop this week. my floors are going to be clean!

8. i still don't understand the fact that: Pluto is no longer a planet, and Indigo is no longer in the rainbow.

9. i'm really excited about spending time with mom and leah this weekend. including massages at the spa!

10. finally.. i just signed up for a class! It's a photography class, and it starts on September 12, and runs for 8 weeks. I'm very excited, but terribly nervous! I think it will be worth it tho. and it will be finished in time for me to know how to take wonderful pictures of the baby in December, perfect timing.

An invitation from my Mom & Women Refreshed at the Well

We would like to invite YOU to a: Come and See ~ Walk and Pray event at the future site of Women Refreshed at the Well!!

WHEN: Sunday, September 13th from 3-5 pm

WHERE: the land right next to the church (Corpus Christi) at 5819 Henderson Hwy. We do not have a number sign yet, but it will be marked!!

WHAT: we would like to give you the opportunity to come and see where we are Lord willing, planning to build and where the ministry will operate from. When you come, you will be invited to walk and pray! And then, make sure to pull your lawnchair around the fire and enjoy a cup of coffee and some refreshements and fellowship.

WHAT TO BRING: a lawnchair, and good walking shoes.

Please mark your calendars and plan to attend! It will be a day of blessing the ministry and the land!

If you need more info – feel free to email us at womenrefreshed@gmail.com

To read more about Women Refreshed at the Well visit us here: http://womenrefreshed.wordpress.com

you and me together, yes, yes

it's been quite the week...
some good, some bad.

most important things to take from it: i have some really good friends, josh and leah's baby is healthy and cute, phoebe is coming home soon, the house is clean and the yard looks great, family is always supporting and loving... and knows just went to listen, pray and not need to know all the details. and finally, i have a wonderful husband who really loves me, and that is such a great feeling!

i bought the newest dave matthew's cd a while ago and michael and i can't get enough of it.
whenever i get in the car i turn it back to track 13 and listen to it and sing along

here is my favorite part:

you & me together could do anything, baby
you & me together yes, yes
you & me together we can do anything baby
You & me toghter yes, yes

we can always look back at what we did
always remembering you & me
for right now it's you and me forever girl
you know we could do better than anything that we did
you know that you and me we could do anything

when we see you, we find strength to face the day.

praise is rising, eyes are turning to You
we turn to You
hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You
we long for You

when we see You we find strength to face the day
in Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

Hosanna! Hosanna!
You are the God who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna! Hosanna!
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus

hear the sound of hearts returning to You
we turn to You
in Your kingdom broken lives are made new
You make us new
when we see You we find strength to face the day
in Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away
brenton brown - hosanna (praise is rising)

i remember the first time i heard this song
i was at a women's leadership conference in ontario with my mom, theresa and ellen
i remember how the song was new but the words were my own

last night we were singing it at our practice for tonight's service and i realized that the first time i heard it, the first verse of this song resonated with me. i was praising and thankful for the hope Jesus gives us. for what he had in store for me, to give him all my praise!

and now i've realized that it is the last verse that resonates with me. my heart is returning to Jesus. our lives have been broken... at church i think we actually sing "broken hearts are made new" and that is true for me too. our lives and hearts have both been broken... but Jesus wants to make them new! he has been making them new. losing Jay was the hardest thing that could've happened but Jesus has not left our side. would i ask for that kind of pain again? NEVER. am i different than before? yes. Jay's life has changed mine! i will be forever grateful for the things i have realized and the ways my eyes have been opened. Jesus works thru our pain. not to justify death and sadness, but to show himself as faithful through it.

on another note, i am very thankful for the friends i have. last night we went to matt and shaunas, ate eggo's and watched sytycd. i am very thankful that we have lots of places to relax, be ourselves and enjoy fun, conversation and also talk about whats all going on in our lives.
and.. i miss jo! we're talking about maybe going to visit there in the fall or winter.. but i'm thinking it will probably end up being winter.. we shall see!

our God, He reigns forever

i want to thank those of you who have been praying for me and my family

i can say, without a doubt that i felt held up by those prayers especially on Friday as we celebrated Jay's birthday.

on Friday around lunch time, I went to the cemetery. I cried as I looked at what people brought to his grave, and cried knowing that this was such a small window into all that we wanted to give him!
i sat beside the stone that has his name beautifully carved into it. i sat there and told him that it was his birthday and that i loved him more every single day! i read psalm 139 and told him that he was perfectly and wonderfully made.

i felt Jesus sitting there beside me and read the bible out loud, claiming the promises for me, for Jay, for Josh and Leah, for Michael, for my mom and dad, for Leah's parents, and ian and morgan and the list went on.

the evening was a time of family and of celebrating Jay. it was so good to be together.

on thursday I could already feel prayer holding me up. holding me closer to Jesus. i had decided not to sing on the worship team, as I felt that it would be better for me to have a chance to worship on my own and not infront of the congregation necessarily. I did however remain involved by doing the powerpoint for the service, which ended up being a blessing to me. i had to follow the words closer than i do normally, since, as a singer I am good at memorizing songs quickly, and normally don't need to look at the words. Sometimes this puts me on autopilot and i think i lose out on some of the significance of the words and the message we are proclaiming.

i read this song, as I was singing and scrolling thru the power point. it is a special song to me, and part of it is at the top of my blog page. strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
his grace is sufficient for us! his power thru my weakness.

i was able to sing the words, and felt the power of proclaiming them

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord

our God, He reigns forever!
our HOPE, our strong deliver

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
you do not faint, you won't grow weary.
you're the defender of the weak
you comfort those in need
you lift us up on wings like eagles.

thank you to those who are blessing my family and i thru your prayers.

happy birthday baby jay!

today is my first nephews first birthday
oh how my arms are aching to hold you little guy.
i know that you would have me laughing at your antics
that i would be kissing your little cheeks non stop
that you would hear that you were loved over and over!

today we are celebrating Jay
there is no one that could ever take his place

today i want to celebrate how special he is
how much fun it was preparing for his arrival to the world
one of my favorite moments with Jay was when our family got stranded in the cuba airport.... waiting for the plane from 11 pm till 7am! Jay was so active that evening, kicking and playing in mommy's tummy. we all sat there watching Leah's belly and laughing when we saw his kicks!
i will always cherish watching my little nephew play inside his mom. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved. so very loved.

another favorite moment with my little sweet pea was when i had a moment alone with him in the hospital. Leah was in the bathroom and she asked me to hold him, what a privilege! I sat there alone with Jay and cried over him. I held his little hands and kissed his cheeks. the softest cheeks!
i touched his curls and smiled at how cute i know his hair would've grown! curls just like his mom.
i unwrapped his little feet and counted his toes. his feet were so big... he would've grown tall. probably outgrown me... and i would've been ok with that! :)
i kissed his little button nose, hugged him, bounced him and whispered over and over... this auntie loves you so so so so much.
i will never forget how good it felt to hold him. and today my arms long to hold you again Jay.

today we are celebrating this little life that changed ours. changed everyone that knew our family and everyone that anticipated Jay. today we are loved. today Jesus is holding Jay and celebrating him as well. today Jay and everyday... i love you so much!

happy birthday baby, you are forever loved.

thank you to Jeremy for the beautiful photos. we are so thankful.

another monday

another monday at the beginning of a very hard week.
i can not believe it's been a year.
this week last year i was in such a different spot than this year
but, one thing is, i definitely know love a lot more tangibly than i did this time last year
but i've never felt so robbed of the privilege to give that love to the one it's intended for!
it's not fair

i was explaining how i am feeling to my caregroup last night. they were supportive listeners and then prayed together with us. thank you Jesus for friends who haven't forgotten about me
i feel that i know that i am loved, and i know that God can handle my anger and frustration
but i still just don't get it. it just is not fair and my heart just can not believe the reality of our situation
so raw

i decided to finally go see the chiropractor, i've been feeling nausea in the mornings (not pregnant just to clear that up). something in my back cracked about 3 weeks ago and it's been making me feel sick every morning. so dr wiebe did some scans and xrays today and tomorrow i will go see him again and see what the plan is

i am very thankful for my husband. i don't think i say that enough.
i've taken quite a few pictures lately and will add them onto here for any who would like to see
it is good to enjoy life giving moments, it helps me to not let my grief take me over

enjoy a little glimpse of some people that i love. i would have pics of my family up here but i left my camera in the car during the stampede.
camping with the thiessen's old bible study group. so good to have chad back :)when i took michael on a picnic he found something to climb. i think he is part monkey.
at half moon checking out the rainbow, right before we found out there was no power at halfmoon so we could only have icecream and had to pay with cash. it was a group effort.my man... down by the river behind half moonlaughing. we took lots of pictures on our picniccarmyn booking baseball tickets for us, while at her apartment!the guys (mike, andrew and james) skipping rocks on the river
we were pretty happy to be in the sun, after we had done a garbage cleanup and ran away from the start of a thunderstorm... only getting a little wet. then after some icecream and sun we were happy still.