who are you really?

i used to (wait, thats a lie.. i, STILL have) a book of quizzes titled "who are you really?"
this book is well used, scribbled on, pages are ripped. this book has initials beside answers, initials of my best friends from elementary school, friends from Mennonite Children's Choir, my brother, my cousins, junior high friends, and most recently initials from michael's family when we went camping.

this book is full of quizzes with ridiculous titles like, "are you a guy magnet?" "what do your dreams say about you?" "organized or unorganized?" "forever or fairweather friend?" and so on and so on

there is something fun and light hearted about doing these quizzes, and normally you figure it out pretty quickly... if i always choose the second answer... i WILL be a guy magnet! they are funny to me because i am a firm believer in the fact that you can't have a little paragraph decide who you are. no book or quiz or test that i read or write will ever be able to really tell me who i am. you can buy books, quizzes, and take online tests to find out who you are. ohhh i THOUGHT that was what my gift was! but i didn't know until this test told me...

i remember one of the times i took a "spiritual gift" test, it was in the first semester of Outtatown, and i remember it very specifically because at the end of it, it said i had gifts of hospitality, faith, compassion... but music, well music wasn't on there. i couldn't believe it. all this time i had been participating in church, singing on teams and trying to get involved, and now this test showed me the light, i WASN'T gifted with the spiritual gift of music. but, then why do i feel like i am? i struggled with that for a long time, because so many other people had tests that confirmed what they already believed or did, and mine didn't. thankfully, that didn't actually stop me from singing, playing piano and being involved. i decided that my heart probably knew me more than any test could.

recently i've struggled (over the past couple of years) with the fact that people (some directly and some indirectly) have questioned "who is Ashley really??" especially over the fact that i chose not to complete my degree, 6 credits short. i feel like i struggled with feeling like music therapy ashley wasn't actually the real ashley at all, and finally after very tear filled and sleepless nights i decided that i needed to be the real ashley. but that has followed with a lot of questioning, doubt and disappointment from some. it is hard to feel like you know a little bit (at least) of who you are, and yet people don't think it's enough (disclaimer: i'm not talking about my family or closest friends, just a good 3-4 handfuls of other people)

now i am struggling with a combination of a gut feeling, mixed with passion, mixed with unresolved hurts, confidence in skills, nudgings and stirrings related to another decision. one that i've technically missed the deadline for (yesterday) but still feel as tho this may not be done yet. so i'm trying to trust and pray, and be patient. it's not a question of, who am i really? but.. what's next?