such a cold december...

I've been waiting, pacing along the halls ever since you left here
I've been cleaning, scrubbing the plates and weeding out the garden dear
I can't fall asleep to your mystery slowly blowing from the shore (cold december: matt costa)

this is the first song i listened to today once i sat down at my desk
i was not excited about coming today. one week alone so far and... well it is lonely.

i'm feeling as tho maybe i bit off more than i could chew
or maybe i'm just underestimating myself

my heart is also feeling anxious today
kind of like my heart beat and my breathing can't cooperate, like they are trying to race
and the race is leaving me feeling like i should run outside into the cold december air, take in a deep breath and let the icy air send a chill into my lungs
it's making me feel like there are tears ready to just spill over my eye lids
i'm anxious. 11 days left on our countdown and i'm so reminded of july 24th and the freshness of despair. it catches my breath in my throat again and it feels tight

i've never felt such a mixture of sadness and total joy at the same time. i can hardly wait for this little one. and sometimes all i can do is sit and cry missing the first babe to make me an auntie!

working alone isn't helping my anxiety much, and it's only been a week.
i'm not exactly sure where i'm going with this post, maybe i'm only trying to write out how i'm feeling so that i can calm down a bit. and there is no one to tell this too here in person (altho conrad did just stop by my desk with this amish friendship bread that will take me 10 days to make, then he listened while i told him it was hard to work alone! he's such a nice guy)

anyway, 11 days and my heart can hardly wait.
AND it is so cold outside, winter is finally here, i think!
i spent some good time with my families this weekend, and i was so thankful. interesting how you can feel SO lonely in one situation and just an hour or two later feel so totally loved and surrounded in a different setting. what a blessing.