mystery

I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony  when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.

My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"

God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.

High is his name, and all his works are glorious.

Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong. 

She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.

There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world 

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)

My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)

When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers. 

Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

Bread of Heaven, broken for me

Cup of salvation, held out to drink

Jesus, mystery

Christ has died and Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming

Celebrate His death & rising

Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!

That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.

Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again. 

My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth.