time for an honesty post
i am not ready to be off anti-depressants
when i first went on them, it was a prescription given to me by a walk-in clinic doctor. he prescribed me quite a large dose, and i became (as my grandma used to say) a "zombo" and i did not like that. i'd rather feel hard emotions than feel numb! so when i was finally able to get in to see my doctor, she lowered my dose by a third
this amount seemed good, but also had me very controlled. i'm a pretty all over the place emotional person, it's part of my charm. whatever i'm feeling, i feel more than 100%! i think that's why i so easily speak my mind (both a blessing and a curse, depending on the day it seems!) my doctor said that she thought my struggle with depression was likely partially a chemical imbalance, partially weather related (seasonal affected disorder) and partially stress. she said that when i started to feel more like myself that i could lower the dose, and by that she meant take it every other day. it was still a larger amount, so when i took it every other day i felt great one day, and like i was dying the next. not a good method for me.
so, over the next couple of months i went down to a half dose pill, and after taking that for a month i decided to try to take it every other day. my counsellor told me not to rush it. my doctor told me not to think that i "needed" it forever. i don't know what i want or think about it all totally.
so, for the last 3 weeks i've been taking the anti-depressant pill every other day. and for the last 3 weeks i've been crying, over everything and anything! i'm not feeling overly sad or depressed about anything, just feeling emotional. i'm wondering if maybe it's due to having my emotions pent up due to the pills? anyway, the other day driving home with michael i said "i think maybe i should stick to taking the pill every day for a little longer" - to which i found out that i hadn't told michael my plan, and he had been wondering why i had been so different the last few weeks. just a wee bit more moody than normal... so he agreed with me, maybe i'm trying to rush it. not totally sure why. maybe because i know there are people in my life that think it's not good to be on medication. maybe because i want to be done struggling. maybe because i don't like taking a pill every day. maybe pride. who knows?
all i know is that i want to continue on my journey of healing and moving forward and becoming more of myself again. and there is no need to rush!
honesty | insight | and iced coffee.
6 comments:
Hi there - I'm a good friend of Christine's... that's how I stumbled on your blog.
I've been on anti-depressants for 5 years. At first, due to the stigma of meds and mental illness as a whole, I was in a huge hurry to get off of them or lower my dose. After experimenting with that with dismal results, I came to a place of peace . So who cares if I'm on meds for the rest of my life? Big deal! If that is what I need to cope and relate in a healthy way to my kids and husband, so be it!
A psychologist I saw once said something helpful about lowering doses of meds.... if you're wanting to listen to the radio and understand it, you turn it up loud enough to hear it and make sense of what is being said. There's no use "listening" to the radio so you can barely make out the sound.
No one will award us any medals if we cut our doses in half or speed up the process of going off of the meds all together! Please don't rush yourself! I hope you don't feel any judgement in this area from people who are close to you....
Hoping this helps a little.
Karla
I think you're making good decisions for you, Ash. I'm proud of you. And I love you.
As always, I love your honesty. I have not been in your situation, but I do know that any other thing in life that i have tried to rush did not end up so well. :)
I am very much where karla is in the sense of peace related to meds.
I too am taking meds regularly (depend on them daily) and am very grateful for the results.
For me, i don't see the medication as a crutch or a failure...but rather my chance at feeling "christine at her best". but as you know, the world of antidpressents is very complex...no pill helps everyone the same etc. So tread carefully (as you are). Keep being aware of your emotions and reactions to life's everyday events. If you fall apart over something small than you either need to decrease or increase...like you've decided.
The right dose of medication should enable you to feel strong more days than not. It should also enable you "keep up" with life.
Sometimes certain seasons in our lives are LONGER than others, maybe you will have to give your neurotransmitters a boost for many years. You will not grow another nose, you will not become dangerous, you will not get dementia if you take these meds. You will have a chance to live as fully as you desire. You will have the ability to face the storms.
that is worth a lot.
p.s. we have had to give our son medication for anxiety/extreme anger since he was 5. believe me, that is not "supported" topic amoung other moms (couldn't share that at every playdate)...but kent and I decided that WE are the ones who live with our boy and see him struggle. Our doc told us to weigh our options....what was the better of the two a) no meds....but the inability to relate to other children (esp. his sister) and handle his extreme emotions OR b) the chance to quiet his racing mind, settle his thoughts, allow peace to enter our home and allow his soul to shine.
Making the decision to be on meds is never a one time decision. we revisit L on meds every 6 months...we still ask ourselves, is it worth it? will it affect him later on?
Making your decidison to be on meds now doesn't mean you are signing your life off for the rest of your days.
p.s.s. I want to support you, sorry if I'm giving you lots of WORDS. But whatever you do, I pray that you feel peace about it and know that you are MORE than the depression. It is only a small element of your wonderful self. In university we were taught "person first" mentality. YOU are ashely. not Depressed ASHLy. lets do coffee again SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xo
now i am stopping this insane rambling and going to take my meds. cheers!!!
Behind you 100% wherever God leads and whatever decision you feel is best! I've got your back, xoxo!
thanks for all of your words & encouragement friends!
i'm definitely still figuring this all out. and learning to be ME regardless of what circumstances i'm in, and whether or not i need any medication! nice to know i'm supported :)
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