gratefulness

it has been a long time since I have posted anything

I realize that it's a combination of things - partially not knowing exactly what to write about, partially feeling too passionate about things to write about (and I don't like to write about something if I'm too emotional about it, because I find that I can regret things that I write in such a public forum), and partially because I am using my time differently. Life with an 18 month old is a busy one! And in this day and age, technology is everywhere. Matilda knows what my phone sounds like when I get a text, she knows what it means if it starts ringing, she knows how to slide her finger on the screen to unlock it, and she knows how to scroll thru pictures and press PLAY on videos. Sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's eery, to see how someone so little can do all these things, and realizing its because she is watching it all around her! But, all that to say, I cannot as easily be on the computer with her around, nor do I want to be as much.

But right now, she is fast asleep in her room, and I am taking some moments to myself to write about some thoughts that have been milling around in my head for the last couple of weeks.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of gratefulness - and how quickly gratefulness can be replaced with entitlement, jealousy, pride etc. Two quotes that have been in my head lately have been "remember this - that very little is needed to make a happy life" (aurelis) and "comparison is the thief of joy" (theodore roosevelt). I have been thinking about how happy life can be, how content I am at home with Matilda, playing and learning, reading, drawing etc. and then one conversation with someone else (particularly another mom) can leave me thinking that I want the things that she has, or maybe my parenting isn't as good because my kid wakes up earlier than hers, or she makes it to the gym and I don't, or her kid is saying 30 words etc etc. So quickly the comparison can change a perspective from grateful to jealous. Or how quickly I can leave a conversation on the opposite end, thinking to myself how superior my parenting is because of this or that. And my gratefulness is swapped for a much uglier pride and entitlement.

This was all really put into perspective for me last night. My husband had an early start to work yesterday, as well as a later stop time. He left before Matilda woke up, and normally he gets up with her and they spend the morning together until he has to leave (giving me the luxury of catching a few more zzz's). So my day started earlier than normal. The day was lovely, with different visits from different loved ones. Matilda had a nice long nap and I was productive during those couple of hours. But then the time that I expected Michael to come home, came and went. I couldn't get him on the phone and I started growing impatient. Only later in the evening did I realize that it was more like a spoiled kid, grumbling that they were home alone, when the other person would have loved to be home but was instead working hard and making money! He came home and quickly I felt discouraged by the idea of trying to make something for supper, no ideas, nothing quick to make etc etc. We put Matilda down together and went downstairs to start supper. However, unlike every other night, Matilda decided she didn't want to sleep. She was crying and fussing, and that is just not her style. So I went in to try and help her, but that made it worse when I tried leaving. So, back up I went, thinking "poor me". We gave her some Tylenol to help with the molars that are trying to come through and I sat in the rocking chair. She fussed for a little while, but as I was singing, she very quickly settled and just snuggled in. I moved her into a cradle hold position, and sat there singing to her, songs of Jesus loving her, God making nature, God's power and might. Her eyes were closed and she was in a steady soft breathing pattern that showed her relaxing more every minute. I sat there, and God brought to mind so many things. In the past few weeks I have learned of 2 little boys each passing away (neither who I knew personally, but I did read from both mom's blogs etc) one from a sudden car accident (he was 3), and another from a brain tumor (he was 5). God also brought to mind two different names of women I love who are trying to start families. He reminded me of a conversation I had with another friend who is potentially going to have to move away from close family for work circumstances. I was sitting there, holding my sweet sleeping baby, and was so aware of those who are with empty arms and life was put into perspective. My gratefulness was looking more like entitlement, and with entitlement came the idea that I could complain about mundane things, or feel sorry for myself about things that are not big things at all. I was thinking about the one mom, who would be at home without her little 5 year old - who she sang to every night, and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that I could be sitting here holding my baby and singing to her.

So I sat there a little longer. Rocked her a little more. Sang her one more song. Said many silent thank you prayers. Whispered I love you. Gave her a kiss and savoured the moment of looking at her, and tried to remind myself not to forget this moment, but to use it to live daily with gratefulness.