beloved

i haven't written for awhile
for a number of reasons
being busy with many fun things
and also insecurity
worrying that i don't have anything good to say
or that i'm just patting myself on the back
or talking and rambling for no good

lately i've been realizing that i have lost a lot of confidence for some reason over the past few years.
just more insecure than i have felt before
messages seem to be coming from every which way
you don't do enough
you do too much
you need to spend more time nurturing your christian walk
you're not active enough, healthy enough, pretty enough
people like her more than you.. etc.

those thoughts are so degrading and debilitating.
i think that when you experience something you have a choice as to how you interpret it. you can be offended or let it roll off your back. you can be confident in who you are, or you can doubt. you can take something as a light hearted comment or spend hours looking for the hidden meaning.

the other day i was with a friend, a very beautiful friend that most people can not say enough wonderful things about - and we bumped into someone we both know, and she commented to my friend "wow, you look great!" - now i could take this as a nice thing that is being said to my friend, or... the way that i took it that day - she looks great, and you don't. i've played that conversation over & over in my mind, and it always leaves me feeling defeated. when i could've chosen to just think it was a nice thing to be said about my friend.

i just really dislike having my mind drift more easily toward the negative. i am not totally sure how you magically become more confident. i think it starts with finding my identity in christ. thinking of myself as he thinks of me. spending less time with people or things that leave me feeling less. the hardest ones are the things that seem to seek me out to make me feel less. not sure how to fully be protected from that.

i have started playing my guitar again on a more regular basis (i go thru phases for no real reason) and i have been playing the song "beloved" - i LOVE this song. a friend of mine from university, kris, taught it to me. the first time we sang it together it gave me chills. holy spirit chills, the ones that i get when i am so overwhelmed in worship that i feel completely surrounded by Christ. it is a good reminder for me, especially when i'm feeling down or less confident.

time for more confidence. a change in perspective. time to see myself as his beloved.

lord it was you who created the heavens

lord it was your hands that put the stars in their place

lord it is your voice that commands the morning

even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet

lord who am i compared to your glory?

lord who am i compared to your majesty?

i'm your beloved

your creation

and you love me as i am

you've called me chosen

for your kingdom

unashamed to call me your own

i'm your beloved

i'm your beloved