to love like that.

i have been meaning to start blogging again...
not sure exactly what the point of blogging is for some people, but for me... i find that it causes me to really just write out what i'm thinking. maybe try to be a little more creative, or maybe just to find something in my day that i feel is worth sharing.

today, i can't get my mind off of love.
which may not come as a surprise for most people considering i'm getting married in six days!!
but tonight it's not romantic love that i'm thinking about.
i'm thinking about the kind of love where you actually feel like your heart is connected to another heart. that you feel like you can feel the joys and the pains of a heart that isn't your own.

wednesday is september 24th... which means jay would have been two months old. its strange, because in some ways it feels like that unimaginable day was so long ago... that my heart has aged by years because of the pain that it feels. but in other ways it feels like it could never be so fresh. i've never felt so much love for someone i barely knew... but jay made me an auntie for the first time... and no one can ever take that place no matter what.

tonight i felt like i could feel the pain in leah's heart just for a few moments, when i hugged her and cried, i don't even know how to explain it. leah is more than my sister, i just love her so much and know that there is nothing that anyone can do to fix her broken heart. and in some strange ways that is ok because "fixing" it wouldn't do anything really... a confusing thought.

i don't get it. i don't get why this happened. i don't think i ever will.

i think it will be hard on friday, walking through a day where a very integral family member is missing. God, i pray that you will be close. i pray that we will depend on you.

love.

i really love this website where you can read quotes. i don't really know how you get to be "quoted", because some of the quotes are really just normal things that most people would say but some guy gets credited for it... maybe i could get quoted saying "i love quotes" and it could make it onto the website. anyway, back to the thought on quotes: i was reading quotes on the website today and came across this one:

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

not that i wanted a remedy for love, but its an interesting thought.

our scripture for the wedding is ephesians 5:1&2 from the message. it talks about how God loves, his love was not cautious but extravagant. LOVE LIKE THAT.

oh to love like that... its a hard thought when my heart feels broken today because of the love in my heart for jay and the fact that he will never get to experience it.

to love like that. without caution.

God i pray that you will close. that you will surround us with your extravagant love. God that tonight you will cover josh and leah and that they would feel your love like that. God, show me, despite the hurt and the uncertanties how to love extravagantly. still.

.... love like that.