realizations

so its been a while since i've blogged, but i have definitely been thinking a lot this week

there have been a few times that i have started to write, but realized that some of my thoughts were too raw, and didn't want to be too mysterious, making people wonder if it's them i'm talking about. did some processing myself.

i've realized a few things, one, being that i'm in the process of mourning a friendship that will never be the same again. it's hard knowing that you have reached the point where you were the closest, and that that will probably never happen again. it's hard to just fall off each others radars and not feel like a big chunk of you is missing. i don't know how to explain it, but it's been weighing on my heart the last few weeks.

a second thing i've realized is that i desperately want people to ask me how i am. i realized this when i was with my sister in law phoebe (who i am so thankful for) and she asked me to tell her how i am. she said that we always talk about how my family is, and other things, but that she wanted to know about me. it feels selfish to want people to ask just about yourself, but i think that if you don't have people asking about you and the state of your heart then it is easy to let that get pushed to the back burner and allows you to not take care of your heart or address it in the state that it is in.

i've realized (not just recently, but i've always known) that i am a talker, it doesn't take a lot for me to talk, which i guess ties into the previous point. sometimes i walk away from conversations being like "wow, i just dumped that on that person, and they don't even want to know about it", but if they had asked it would've felt like more of a conversation...

and fourthly i realized this... i counted the other day how many friends i feel really know how i am, and who i am. counted how many people i could be myself with. how many friends i have a caring relationship with, on both sides. and then i realized that it would be very easy to dwell on the fact that that number used to be bigger, but that i want to CHOOSE to dwell on how fortunate i am to have even the people that i do have.

i feel like since july when Jay died, some people just don't know how to relate, or what to talk about with me, or how to bring up the topic. and that can be really hurtful.

i need to choose to be thankful for those that are there, because dwelling on anything else doesn't help at all. so dear friends, know that i am thankful for you, probably more than you know.