yesterday i sat in mountain bean drinking my most favorite drink as of late, peppermint tea...
i love how you can put your face over the cup and breathe in and the peppermint fills your mouth, throat, sinuses. i love taking a sip and feeling it run all the way through my body. i really like peppermint tea.
i sat there waiting for a very good friend of mine (adrienne) to meet with me. she called and said she would be about ten minutes, so i took out my journal and just starting writing about the first thing that came to my mind.
july 24th, 2008. i can remember every detail of that day so vividly. i can remember when my mom called me in the middle of the night to say that josh and leah went to the hospital. i can remember which house i was cleaning when mom texted me and said that leah had been pushing for quite awhile and that my little nephew would be there soon.
i can remember exactly where i was when mom phoned crying the way only a brokenhearted granny can to tell me that i would never get to see my nephew breathe, or hear him cry.
i remember who i saw first, in what order, and i can remember the first thing i did when i saw josh and leah, and i can still remember the looks on their faces.
but yesterday my thoughts were brought back specifically to a moment in leah's hospital room, she had to go to the washroom so i had the privilege of holding Jay while she was gone. it was just me and my little nephew. i held him, and rocked him. i kissed every little wrinkle on his face. my tears fell on his blanket. i unwrapped him and held his little toes, looking at each one and how perfect they were. i whispered over and over again to him how much he was loved. how much i loved him. how he will always be my first nephew, the first person in this world to give me the name auntie.
i remember sitting there and praying to God that he would never let me forget this. that he would never let me forget exactly how Jay looked. all his little wrinkles, his perfect little nose, his big feet that would've grown him so much taller. that i wouldn't forget how he smelt or how his skin felt. or how it felt to hold him and to kiss him. that i wouldn't forget how heavy he was, or how he fit perfectly in my arms. that i wouldn't forget how much i could love, did love, and do love little Jay.
and yesterday i was able to tell this to adrienne. to tell her what my nephew looked like and felt like. how soft his skin was and how perfectly curly his hair was. and i cried because i haven't forgotten. i know now i can never forget, but that i only love him more.
2 comments:
Ashley, I read this and sit here weeping... will God ever bring our broken hearts together? That is my question that I wrote today. I also got to tell the story to some women today, and they wiped tears that rolled down their cheeks. I never want to forget, and I am confident that we never ever would. Jay, our little sweetheart. Running and sitting with Poppa, and Granny Thomas and Grandpa Klassen... that brings a little comfort knowing he is with them and making them laugh! But how our arms ache, and the pieces of our hearts lay strewn all over... only God knows.... only he knows. How you would have spoiled him, I know it! And how you will spoil the next babies that you will lavish with love. You, and uncle Mikey!!
God knows our pain. I am glad he gives us friends who let us cry with them.
love you, mom
I began reading your blog and I could just feel through your words that you had lost someone. I went back and found this post and I cried when I read it... I had a daughter on October 30, 1999, who lived 2 months and 20 days and I know how had it is to loose someone you Love so deeply. My daughters name is Ashley Dawn. God Bless you and your family and I believe your nephew and my Ashley are running and playing together:)
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