heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?