the twenty third psalm

i have been feeling down & overwhelmed the last few days. i mean, there have been many good things (including a lovely visit from my friend audrey this morning - and she was bearing gifts! never under estimate the power of a random gift! xo) but in general i have been feeling down.

i think it is due to a number of different factors. feeling better & taking on too much too soon. being asked to support others that need supporting.. when i already feel like i'm not even on my own 2 feet yet. working at organizing our home. not spending enough time in my bible & talking with God about things. figuring myself out. and also, most definitely, forgetting to refill my anti-depressants prescription. as i write this, i'm feeling dizzy & quite ill! i should definitely put myself on the automatic renewal program or try to stay on top of things better. i will be picking up my new prescription on my way home & then taking a short nap.

when i'm feeling down & worn out, the tears come easily. sad tears, happy tears, no reason tears. they just come & i think that's ok. i cry at commercials, at news articles, random obituaries, scripture verses, song lyrics, interactions with strangers. you name it, i cry for it.

last night was my last beth moore bible study for this specific study. i'm not actually done the homework, which is kind of nice because then i can extend the study in my own way. but so many of the things beth said last night brought me to tears. she focused mainly on the 23rd psalm. grandma's favorite.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod & your staff protect & comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

Beth pointed out a few things about this Psalm that I didn't know, or didn't really ever think about & each one stirred my soul.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley...

the word used for darkest valley literally means the darkest of all darkness.
the most shadowiest of shadows.
the most painful of all pain.
the most depressed of all depression.

not just death. not just darkness. but ULTIMATE darkness. not just depression, but the most depressed of all depression.

surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me...

that word pursue is used to describe the way that an enemy chases unrelentlessly - that no matter where we go, no matter how much darkness & the enemy pursues us.. goodness & mercy & unfailing love... they run faster. they keep up forever. they are always one step ahead. always.

beth talked about the enemy & his efforts against us. she said that he knows his time is short & so he is at war. he envelopes us in his darkness. in doubts & fears. in a web of lies. he does cartwheels around us to distract us from all that is good. his time is short. he wastes none of it. but God - he prepares a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. each time we choose to sit in the presence of Jesus, to pull our chair up to that feast. each time he pours oil over our heads & fills us to overflowing, each time we choose HIM - our enemy is forced to watch.

the ultimate slap in the face to the one who works every second of the day to bring me down.

Jesus - his name is like honey to my lips
his spirit is like water to my soul

restoration. that my enemy is forced to watch. victory. mercy & goodness chasing after me. running ahead with me. helping me keep up & leaving the enemy in the dust.

the one good thing about being down.. if you can call it "good" - i mean, i don't think anything is good about being down. but the best part.. is feeling again, feeling my cup be filled till overflowing. feeling the oil pour over my head. feeling restoration. feeling victory over the enemy, even with little baby steps at a time. restoration is a process. one that i'm realizing often repeats itself in my life because the enemy wastes no time trying to attack again & again. i find it lifegiving to throw it back in his face though. to choose Jesus, and to return again to the table he's prepared for me, and to force the enemy to watch.