weeping

heal my heart & make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours

everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause

as I walk from earth into eternity

hosanna - hillsong united

this song has been in my head all morning, and it came to my head last night as i was falling asleep. last night before i finally went to bed, michael & i spent a lot of time talking about things that make our hearts hurt. pain in our own lives, pain in the lives of friends & family around us, pain in the world. i spent a lot of time just laying on our bed & crying, with puffy red eyes & red blotches around my eyes, cheeks & lips (when i really cry hard, it looks like i was punched all over my face! so attractive...)

my heart hurts for broken relationships. abandoned dreams. strongholds. sinful natures. evil forces over our minds & actions. miscommunication. judgement. arrogance. pride. shame. hurt. and as i was naming some of those things michael asked the good question about which traits we see in our own lives & struggle with. if we sit at home complaining about things going on around us, how are we any different??

over the past 2, almost 3 years, my heart has grown more cynical, and that is NOT an endearing trait about me! there are times when michael & i drive away from places & i say, "when did i become so unkind??" that is so not who i want to be.

last night as i was journaling after we talked, i was struck by the idea that these are truly the things that break God's heart. how often do i cry over the hurts & situations in the lives of myself & those around me... and it is that much more hard for God, who is PERFECT. i cry for these things knowing that i am just as sinful, just as broken. but God, he knows perfect peace. how his heart must ache.

the first night after Jay died, I remember trying to sleep, but i felt like my heart was physically aching. like i could feel it break.

God really does want our hearts to break over the things that break his heart. to not shy away from conflict or pain, but to pray for those situations, to cry with people & for people.

to provide love not judgement.
patience not pride.
compassion, not arrogance.
care, not a cold shoulder.

but again, it's a fine line. allowing my heart to break, but still walking strong in faith & trust. how do you walk forward when the hurt feels so hopeless & debilitating?

praying for perfect peace.