for strength to trust Him more.

today my head and heart feel a bit conflicted
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".

today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.

this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.

on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.

happy birthday cameron. you are loved!