elephant

not sure what i love so much about this photograph but i love it. perhaps its the feeling of abandon.

it's been a different week
in some ways i feel like some weight is lifted
in other ways i feel like i'm in a bit of a strange fog

monday was my last day at the care home. i work alone on monday evenings, so at the end of the night, i turned off the office lights, left my keys on the desk and closed that chapter of my journey - for now. i only told one of the residents that i wouldn't be returning. i said "is that ok?" and she said "no" and i said "no?" to which she replied "i already miss you during the week since you are only here 2 times. and now it will be worse!" bittersweet.

instantly i feel like i have more time, and more space
oddly enough though, i feel more like retreating inward.
seeing very few people
keeping my safe circle quite small
i feel very vulnerable

it has been good to not be on facebook so far this week.
i have read more.
studied the bible & the life of David.
baked cookies.
watched episodes of the office and laughed out loud.
taken baths.
snuggled with my husband.

i think that the medication has begun to kick in. i have been crying less, but at the same time feeling less in general. i hope that won't always be the case.

i have been thinking a lot about loss. and trauma. living in fear & anxiety. trusting Jesus, while knowing that trusting doesn't mean being exempt from hardship. wishing (sometimes) to be able to go back in time to my old naive self.

i have been following the candace derksen trial, reading articles, courtroom reports and Wilma's blog.
reading about the choice of forgiveness.
and realizing that at times i am still refusing to forgive Jesus for letting me down. for allowing such loss & devastation to come on my family and other families. my journey is far from over. and we have seen God's faithfulness. my continual struggle is my humanness, and I think that as I seek to have a heart more like His, eventually I will move to living in complete faith, with no room for fear.

Wilma wrote one blogpost called Elephant and I really like how she explained this one aspect of "trauma" because sometimes i think people who either haven't experienced great loss, or are no longer in that grieving stage don't understand how and why it is so debilitating, and for so long. maybe this will help gain a little understanding - i'm working at settling back into some type of normalcy.

Wilma writes:

During my trauma trainings, I often compare trauma to that of encountering a grizzly bear.

If a grizzly bear would come charging into this room right now, everything as we know it would stop. First of all you would stop listening to me, you would be totally focused on the bear. Some might run, some would freeze, hopefully a few might want to fight it or contain it. Meanwhile, we would be traumatized; some of you might pee your pants.

I know for one thing, none of you could sip a cup of tea, fall asleep, have a conversation with a friend. You couldn’t learn anything new, and wouldn’t be able to share an intimate moment with your partners. You couldn’t read a book… at least not till the animal was somehow contained would we carry on. And even then it would take something to settle back to any kind of normalcy.