relaxation - a monday.

today was a FULL day.
my wonderful, fabulous, lovely, coveted DAY OFF. mondays are MY DAY. and i love that.
my goal for mondays will be laundry. relaxing. biblestudy. reading. and a morning coffee date with one of my sisters - phoebe.

today ended up being more full than that. i had my wonderful coffee date with phoebe
one of my favorite ladies, and one of my *new* favorite beverages:
nonfat caramel americano misto

then it was off to the dermatologist
who is probably the strangest person i have ever met. you sit in a chair beside his desk & he talks into a microphone attached to his computer. the computer types as he talks, so he says things like "period" or "new paragraph". when he's diagnosing you he says something like this:
"january 31st 2011 period
a 25 year old female has returned for a followup appointment regarding siskeosnaiwhpsia (or whatever diagnosis he makes up!) period
new paragraph
my recommendation to her is that she should begin taking advil again and if the leg swells up again she should call me immediately period"
and the whole time he's talking he just stares at you. super weird.

anyway, then it was off to reitmans, where the mennonite in me had a major party. i purchased 2 winter coats, a scarf and a pair of earrings for.... 58 dollars!! and the one coat was originally 170. that my friends, is bargain shopping.

then i embarked on my very first solo costco expedition. that is dangerous my friends.  by the end i could barely push my cart it was so full.. the only downside of that trip was having to unload the car alone when i got home. cat litter is HEAVY!

then i kicked into relaxation mode. enjoying a few of my favorite things:

• a good book (currently reading eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert)
• a hot bath in my wonderfully deep & big bath tub
• an episode of the gilmore girls
• a few slices of dried mango
• snuggling with both of my sleepy kittens (chips & chandler)
• an episode of project runway
• and a deliciously refreshing rum & diet pepsi

soon i will be at bible study, which i am always terribly excited for

and (on a much different, more worldly side of me) my pvr will be taping the newest episode of the bachelor which i will watch with my husband later.

ahh the joy of mondays.

favorites of the day

i'm copying a blogpost idea from my friend christine
and sharing a few etsy favorites of the day
things i'd love to buy, but instead i'll admire them from afar!

sunshineartdesign

melindamilkshake

sewenglish

sewnnatural

stacyleigh

catherinereece

feltjar

nomadicnotebook

photographic relief

two posts in one day.. maybe a little much
but i decided to share a little via the art of photography

one is a picture i found while googling for an image on 'obeying God rather than men' - not sure how this photo fit into that, other than that it proclaims the greatness of God - his creative spirit & his masterful skill
for me today, this picture reminded me of an all powerful, faithful, creative, caring friend, Jesus.

this second picture is purely to make you laugh.
in the summer i attended a conference for the organization i worked with
sometimes the sessions ran quite long, and i was required to sit at a book table outside of them.. so sometimes the time dragged.
my friend audrey & i decided to embrace the time using post-it notes & photobooth. since then, taking silly photos with photobooth can make me laugh till my eyes fill with tears. i try to contort my face & expressions into the silliest forms, and then laugh & laugh at the result. i had some extra time on my hands this afternoon so i took some pictures to send to Audrey. and now i'll share one here. have a laugh. you are never too old or mature to be silly.

elephant

not sure what i love so much about this photograph but i love it. perhaps its the feeling of abandon.

it's been a different week
in some ways i feel like some weight is lifted
in other ways i feel like i'm in a bit of a strange fog

monday was my last day at the care home. i work alone on monday evenings, so at the end of the night, i turned off the office lights, left my keys on the desk and closed that chapter of my journey - for now. i only told one of the residents that i wouldn't be returning. i said "is that ok?" and she said "no" and i said "no?" to which she replied "i already miss you during the week since you are only here 2 times. and now it will be worse!" bittersweet.

instantly i feel like i have more time, and more space
oddly enough though, i feel more like retreating inward.
seeing very few people
keeping my safe circle quite small
i feel very vulnerable

it has been good to not be on facebook so far this week.
i have read more.
studied the bible & the life of David.
baked cookies.
watched episodes of the office and laughed out loud.
taken baths.
snuggled with my husband.

i think that the medication has begun to kick in. i have been crying less, but at the same time feeling less in general. i hope that won't always be the case.

i have been thinking a lot about loss. and trauma. living in fear & anxiety. trusting Jesus, while knowing that trusting doesn't mean being exempt from hardship. wishing (sometimes) to be able to go back in time to my old naive self.

i have been following the candace derksen trial, reading articles, courtroom reports and Wilma's blog.
reading about the choice of forgiveness.
and realizing that at times i am still refusing to forgive Jesus for letting me down. for allowing such loss & devastation to come on my family and other families. my journey is far from over. and we have seen God's faithfulness. my continual struggle is my humanness, and I think that as I seek to have a heart more like His, eventually I will move to living in complete faith, with no room for fear.

Wilma wrote one blogpost called Elephant and I really like how she explained this one aspect of "trauma" because sometimes i think people who either haven't experienced great loss, or are no longer in that grieving stage don't understand how and why it is so debilitating, and for so long. maybe this will help gain a little understanding - i'm working at settling back into some type of normalcy.

Wilma writes:

During my trauma trainings, I often compare trauma to that of encountering a grizzly bear.

If a grizzly bear would come charging into this room right now, everything as we know it would stop. First of all you would stop listening to me, you would be totally focused on the bear. Some might run, some would freeze, hopefully a few might want to fight it or contain it. Meanwhile, we would be traumatized; some of you might pee your pants.

I know for one thing, none of you could sip a cup of tea, fall asleep, have a conversation with a friend. You couldn’t learn anything new, and wouldn’t be able to share an intimate moment with your partners. You couldn’t read a book… at least not till the animal was somehow contained would we carry on. And even then it would take something to settle back to any kind of normalcy.

a break

so i'm taking a break from facebook
the other day my sister Leah & I were talking about something called "internet numbing" and man, am I guilty of that!!
basically it's sitting on the computer (either on facebook, or reading random blogs of people you don't know at all, or constant internet shopping/browsing etc) and doing something rather mindlessly, or doing something that makes you feel less good about yourself
the first time that we talked about this concept i realized that earlier that day i had spent the good part of an hour browsing an acquaintances photos on facebook and couldn't even tell you what i had been looking at!! mindless.

so, i've decided today to just take a vacation from facebook. even just to get myself used to not going on it every other minute! maybe next week I'll be back on it, or maybe in a few weeks I'll delete it! who knows.

I want to try and spend this week: finishing my job well; resting; reading; bible study; exercise; cooking; organizing and RELAXING.  and perhaps this face-cation will be a healthy step in the healing process.

a break

a thursday afternoon of singing

i have had a nice afternoon

my mom brought lunch to my work, so we enjoyed that together

then i came home & caught up on my beth moore biblestudy (it's so easy to get behind.. my goal is to keep on it daily!)

and then felt like picking up my guitar again

i have played it very little since my grandma died

it became something very special to me, something that I could do for her even in the depth of her illness

a connection that she & i shared

a way i could bless her into heaven

she didn't care that i didn't know all of the chords

or only knew a couple strumming patterns

she didn't care when my guitar went out of tune

or i stopped singing while i wept

she would close her eyes & smile at the mention of heaven

God's faithfulness

flying away

glory bound...

so today i picked up my guitar

and thought of her as I saw my pile of "songs grandma likes" sitting in the case

and i sang & played until my fingers hurt.

i have decided to share 2 videos, 2 songs that are dear to me

maybe the words will resonate with where you are at

or maybe hearing my own voice sing them will give you other insight into where i'm at honestly

i hope no one thinks i'm doing this out of pride or for compliments (if that was the case i should've tuned my guitar completely.. and probably do some vocal warm ups... oops!)

just sharing my heart & my voice

Glory Bound from Ashley Thiessen on Vimeo.

glory bound:

this is me singing "Glory Bound" by the Wallin' Jennys.
The last time I sang this was at my Grandmas funeral, and I have really been missing her, so decided to sing it again.

I still remember singing it for her in the hospital. She thought it was beautiful. I think she could already hear the train...

Lord How Excellent from Ashley Thiessen on Vimeo.

lord how excellent:

this is me singing "Lord How Excellent" by Jon Buller

words that fit where I am at with life right now

understanding

today is my 2nd last day at the personal care home

for those of you who read this, but don't yet know

i have resigned my position there

i am finally realizing (and naming) where i am right now in life

deep in grief

overstressed

working through depression

running at a pace too fast for me to keep up with

tired

unhealthy

dry

so, resigning from my job there was hard. but i believe it was necessary

a step toward healing

so i only have a few more days there with them

the residents, the seniors, the friends that i love so much

last night my job was to bring all the residents (that wanted to come) to the activity room to listen to the salvation army (sidenote: 21 residents came. the salvation army did not. so.. there i was, with my volunteer. leading a sing-a-long for an hour. with a few random solos by my volunteer. i'm going to miss moments like that)

i knocked on the door of one of the shared rooms, a husband & wife and they graciously invited me in

the room was dark, and they were both laying on their beds. i sat in the nearest chair & asked them how they were

"low"

i asked her if she wanted to tell me more. and she said:

"i just realized that my parents have both passed away. they passed away and i wasn't there. why wasn't i there?" she then went on to tell me that she was on the phone with her daughter and she had asked her if her parents were living. her daughter told her that they were not. and she told her the dates that they had passed away. this dear lady just lay on her bed, hands over her face, weeping. her husband said to me "she was there. but her mind, her illness... it makes her forget"

deaths that happened years ago, many many years ago, that were as fresh as if they had just happened.

so we sat there.

in the dark, together, weeping.

for grief that was old but so fresh.

and i just whispered to her,

"i understand, i so understand"

our grief is so different. but also the same. old, but fresh.

there is something so comforting about being with another person that can whisper "i understand" - no solutions, no fix it ideas, just understanding.

i am going to miss sharing life with these dear dear people.

heaven stands

is there anything in your life that has always been a dream

or a wish

or a hopeful idea

that you always figured wouldn't happen?

i was thinking about this today, and about how defeating that type of thought process is

ideas like:

i'd like to learn that instrument

i'd love to make a cd

how fun would it be to be famous

insert your own idea here

and how quickly they are followed by the next thought:

you take way to long to learn new things, it wouldn't be worth it

who would buy it? where would you make it?

famous?! ha! nice try.

etc.

regardless of whether these ideas, thoughts, wishes are likely to come true - who cares? can't we allow ourselves this opportunity to wish, dream without being the wet blanket?

i have a friend who's husband plays just about every instrument. yes, he is a quick learner, and very musically gifted. but.. would he know that if he didn't decide to just go for it & try learning?

i love to sing. and i have always wanted to be able to play the guitar to accompany myself. or even the piano - better than how i play now, which is quite basic. i've dreamt about playing/singing at coffee shops and small cafes. or making a small cd. i don't even want to be "famous" or really well known necessarily, but rather, just have an avenue to sing.

maybe i'll be taking guitar lessons soon.. you never know.

this is the song that got me thinking about it. i've heard it on the radio a few times in the last couple of weeks & i think it's beautiful. and i like the folky quality of her voice. plus the words are suitable for me where i'm at. take a listen. enjoy. dream.

i have unanswered prayers, i have trouble i wish wasn't there

and i have asked a thousand ways, that You would take my pain away

i am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land

make straight the paths that crooked lie

oh Lord, before these feet of mine

when my world is shaking

Heaven stands

when my heart is breaking

i never leave Your hands

when you walked upon the earth, You healed the broken, lost & hurt

i know You hate to see me cry, one day You will set all things right

Your hands that shaped the world are holding me

they hold me still

Your hands that shaped the world are holding me

they hold me still

when my world is shaking... heaven stands

when my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands

your hands - jj heller

small acts

i have been reminded this week of how much impact a small act can make

small things, ideas that pop into our heads - oh i should email her - i bet she'd like a coffee - maybe i could make her a meal - so&so just popped into my head, i should send them a quick text etc. - that we often don't act on.

this week i made a big decision to quit one of my jobs. i resigned on Monday. a huge weight has been lifted, and it's a step in the direction of putting my health first. but making that decision was hard, and this week has felt long.

to add to it, i got that wicked stomach flu that is going around, and it is the WORST! i don't wish it on anyone.

it has been a long week. and small acts of kindness have definitely helped keep me afloat.

texts from family & friends

a surprise coffee dropped off at my work by a friend

a home cooked meal from my mom

an email from a dear friend & a listening ear

emails letting me know that i've been prayed for

lunch with my inlaws at work

comments on my blog from friends, family & even strangers (that don't feel like strangers when you realize you've walked through some of the same things)

my loving husband waiting on me hand & foot while i was sick

small acts help us know that we are not alone!

thank you to my friends & family that are so loving & supportive.

couldn't do this without you!

serenity, in a pink mailbox

isn't this such a serene picture?

i found it today when i was googling images for a powerpoint i was working on

so interesting how a picture can bring such a peaceful feeling

something about how the sun perfectly saturates the whole shot

the way the gravel path leads somewhere, through a field of grass and beautiful fall flowers

an adorable pink mailbox, which means the owner of it has great class ;)

and the stack of letters tied up so sweetly with a string

i wonder who wrote to her

letters from old friends

or new friends

birth announcements

wedding invitations

poetry

love notes

short encouragements

sometimes it's fun to get lost in a picture

to wrap yourself up in the warmth of the sun

in the words in the letters

not to wish to be someone else necessarily

but to find things within yourself that resonate with what you're seeing

to dream big about fully being exactly who you love being inside

serenity, in a pink mailbox.

the very same

don't you just love re-discovering old songs
old being a relative word a lot of the time
meaning, songs that once were your 'go-to' song
songs that played over and over in your head
songs that you would hum as you fell asleep
songs with words that you would pray when you couldn't find your own words
songs that spoke very clearly to a place you were at in life
that kind of song.

i very clearly remember when michael and i picked out the worship songs for our wedding
i had a "free drink" voucher for starbucks, so, in true mennonite style, we went and got the worlds biggest *free* caramel frappucino with a huge dollop of whip cream and caramel drizzle
it was august and the air was perfectly warm
we sat out on the patio, sipping our drink and chatting about our wedding coming up
i had made a huge list of worship songs that we just loved
and slowly we made our list smaller
we were each allowed to cross off songs on the list, one at a time, taking turns
eventually we had it narrowed down to our songs
the love of god
resonate
be unto your name

be unto your name was such a fitting song for us
we were still very much in the freshness of a grief we never knew possible.
getting married only 2 months after Jay's birth and death was such a hard thing
it was SO obvious to me that we weren't complete as a family, he was very much missing
but in the same way, we were closer as a family than we had ever been.
my faith was shaken, but it was also stronger in a way
such extremes in so many ways
i wanted my wedding day to be focused on Jesus. because i knew that He would be the only constant. things would happen that would make us more in love, or that would shake us to the very core. things would happen where we didn't know what to do, except turn to Jesus. our wedding was a moment. Jesus is forever! we ARE broken, but oh, HE is the healer.
words that i couldn't have put together better myself.

i feel like i just re-discovered this song today, and it continues to speak into my life in very strong ways. to the very same hurts and grief. to the very same love. to the very same brokeness. to the same need. the same Jesus!

we are a moment, You are forever
Lord of the ages
God before time.
we are a vapor
You are eternal
love everlasting, reigning on high

holy holy Lord God Almighty
worthy is the Lamb who was slain;
highest praises, honor and glory
be unto Your name,
be unto Your name

we are the broken, You are the healer
Jesus, Redeemer! mighty to save
You are the love song we'll sing forever
bowing before you, blessing Your name

conflicted

conflicted

that is how i feel!

meeting with the counsellor yesterday was very good - but also very tough

i went to work looking like a hot mess, and my mind has been reeling ever since

trying to make some tough decisions, and struggling with knowing if i'm making the right decision - am i making a decision based only on emotion? am i being lazy? can i trust how i really feel inside? can't someone else make the decision for me?

i've been encouraged to take ownership back. ownership of my emotions, my life, my work, my family, my relationships, my decisions. good or bad, i need to take ownership, and that alone can be a good first step!

doing some more thinking. not going to make any major decisions today, just going to try and take the day an hour at a time. in the last hour i drove my mom to work, which is always nice cause then i get to have a little chat with her. this hour, I'm snuggled up with my heat blanket watching the new season of the bachelor, next hour will be lunch, and then a few hours of work. little steps at a time, decisions can be made tomorrow.