i'm a triple threat in the blog-e-sphere

not wanting to toot my own horn BUT wanted to remind anyone who is looking for more blogs to read that i actually have 2 other blogs. both with recent blog posts!

my photography blog:

http://photographybyashleymarie.blogspot.com/

and my recipe blog:

http://tocookandbakelikethat.blogspot.com/

feel free to check them out!

rushing

time for an honesty post

i am not ready to be off anti-depressants

when i first went on them, it was a prescription given to me by a walk-in clinic doctor. he prescribed me quite a large dose, and i became (as my grandma used to say) a "zombo" and i did not like that. i'd rather feel hard emotions than feel numb! so when i was finally able to get in to see my doctor, she lowered my dose by a third

this amount seemed good, but also had me very controlled. i'm a pretty all over the place emotional person, it's part of my charm. whatever i'm feeling, i feel more than 100%!  i think that's why i so easily speak my mind (both a blessing and a curse, depending on the day it seems!) my doctor said that she thought my struggle with depression was likely partially a chemical imbalance, partially weather related (seasonal affected disorder) and partially stress. she said that when i started to feel more like myself that i could lower the dose, and by that she meant take it every other day. it was still a larger amount, so when i took it every other day i felt great one day, and like i was dying the next. not a good method for me.

so, over the next couple of months i went down to a half dose pill, and after taking that for a month i decided to try to take it every other day. my counsellor told me not to rush it. my doctor told me not to think that i "needed" it forever. i don't know what i want or think about it all totally.

so, for the last 3 weeks i've been taking the anti-depressant pill every other day. and for the last 3 weeks i've been crying, over everything and anything! i'm not feeling overly sad or depressed about anything, just feeling emotional. i'm wondering if maybe it's due to having my emotions pent up due to the pills? anyway, the other day driving home with michael i said "i think maybe i should stick to taking the pill every day for a little longer" - to which i found out that i hadn't told michael my plan, and he had been wondering why i had been so different the last few weeks. just a wee bit more moody than normal... so he agreed with me, maybe i'm trying to rush it. not totally sure why. maybe because i know there are people in my life that think it's not good to be on medication. maybe because i want to be done struggling. maybe because i don't like taking a pill every day. maybe pride. who knows?

all i know is that i want to continue on my journey of healing and moving forward and becoming more of myself again. and there is no need to rush!

reef shoes and fleece pants

i'm trying to get ready for camping this weekend
we'll be leaving as soon as michael gets home from mowing lawns

i'm pretty good at packing, but i often seem to forget just one thing.
so, since i had some time on my hands, i decided to look up some camping check lists on the internet.
there was one that made me laugh a little, i didn't have half of the things on this list packed! (nor do i plan on packing them).. tripstravel.com, always there to remind me about my leather gloves for camping. just what i needed.

here is the list of clothes for my weekend, according to this website:
bathing suit
denim jacket
fleece pants
flip flops
gloves (leather)
gloves (wool)
cotton pants
hat
hat (wool)
hiking boots
hiking pants
long-sleeved tops
rain jacket
rain pants
reef shoes
thermal top
t shirts
sandals
shorts
socks
sunglasses
sweater - thick
underwear
wind breaker
wool socks

i've put my favorite items in bold :) i wonder if i'll be ok without my leather gloves and reef shoes?? where does this list think i'm going?!

to procrastinate a bit longer from packing, i thought i'd post a collection of my favorite pictures from the last month or so.. enjoy.

my house finally has perennials!

 a father's day fiesta!

and a special little boys half birthday 

 my favorite little person in the world!

 he always knows where to find his belly button

elastic math

here is a math equation for you:

an efficient worker (done all her work by noon) + a drawer full of elastics (since all the church mail is delivered in bundles, wrapped with elastics)  =  ???

elastic balls!

musical photogenic sugar dreams

there are a few things that i dream about doing

let me start by saying i am very happy where i am at, the job that i have, the home i live in, my wonderful hubby, even my crazy cats. 

sometimes it is fun to dream, one of those "if you could do anything you wanted, regardless of money etc. what would you do" well, i have narrowed mine down to 3.. for today :)

dream 1:

a musician. i dream of having the opportunity to travel around from cafe to cafe, with my voice, my guitar and my binder of songs. singing to a small crowd of coffee drinkers, people chatting and visiting with friends, those lost in a good book or just enjoying watching the crowd. i dream of singing rich folky music, some of my own songs, and songs of faith. i dream of being a natural on the guitar and feeling totally comfortable in front of a crowd. singing to my hearts content. 

dream 2:

a traveling photographer. not a paid one necessarily, but one that has the time and the means to travel all over the world, capturing people and moments thru my camera lens. meeting people, learning their stories, and catching glimpses of them on film. seeing the world, large cities and small unknown towns. diving into local culture and sharing my life with others. for the fun, not for an monetary gain. i'd love to make books or host open galleries where people could come and glimpse these photos, and learn about the people, read the stories, see the sights. sharing lives. 

dream 3:

a cupcake baker. or just a baker in general. i could never work in a bakery because you have to get up at unholy hours, like 3 or 4 am. no thank you. but, i would love to work somewhere that i could experiment with flavors and decorations, making new and interesting combinations. baking and sharing these treats with anyone and everyone. i love baking, and i love being able to give it away and share it with others. plus, it is so tasty. i dream that one day this can become somewhat of a reality when my mom's retreat house is opened up and i can contribute with baking of muffins, cookies, scones and the occasional sweet treat like cupcakes. sweet treats.

so, those are my three dreams for today. it's fun to dream larger than life. to find small ways to make these dreams realities within my current life. yesterday i made granola. today i plan on spending a few hours playing my guitar. and maybe this weekend i'll be able to photograph people that i love. tis good to dream on such a lovely rainy afternoon.

manipping ribs, hanging with chad and dreaming of houses.

i'm a pretty inconsistent blogger
i go through phases of writing all the time, and then almost of forgetting about it completely
kind of annoying i suppose, but i think i'd rather it be like that then for me to write because i HAVE to and then i just ramble on about nothing... :)

i have been in pain for the last almost 3 weeks. i woke up one morning with a terrible pain in my neck, like i must have slept on it funny. that day i went to the chiropractor, and it helped, but it was still there. the following week i went to the massage therapist. again, help, but not perfect. so i went to the chiropractor again, more relief but not gone... so i finally decided to add physio to my list of solution efforts. i went to see my cousin jason, i am always so impressed by how much he knows, and how gentle his approach is.  it's amazing how someone can put you at ease while they are manipulating your limbs in strange ways.
anyway, long story short, jason discovered that my first rib on my right side is sitting quite a bit higher than my left side. messing up the muscles that run along my neck and pinching nerves. fancy that! because i have a chiropractor, jason wouldn't manipulate my rib himself.. i'm going to see the chiro on thursday, but if i still have no relief, jason will be "manip-ping" my ribs very soon.

in other non-painful news, chad is back for a visit!! it is always so good to have him back. we are selfishly hoping that next time he's back for good. i've offered to try and find him a wife to sweeten the deal of staying put :)
i love when he comes back because he has so many stories of what God is doing in him, his team and the people in alaska. very cool stories. i'm always so happy for michael when chad is back because he is one of his closest friends and I know it can be hard for michael to have chad so far away. we spent the evening at his place, being treated to delicious food from his parents, and many antics of trying to extinguish the rabbit population in their back yard.. and a few good jumps on the trampoline.

also lately, michael and i are doing a lot of dreaming about building a house. ripping pictures out of magazines and news papers. talking about layouts and styles. it is so fun to dream. that dream could become a reality fairly soon.. i'm trying to be patient!

it is so fun to dream :)

no foolin' with poulin

i am not ashamed of the fact that i can get emotional about silly things
i am a sucker for a good old fashioned celebration
and normally i tear up or cry, even if i don't know any of the people involved
it's for the same reasons that i basically cry through the so you think you can dance auditions.
every time someone is recognized for what they do, affirmed and encouraged.. i just can't help but get emotionally involved.
it's actually something that i really like about myself. i'm not ashamed that i cry over reality tv, commercials, nhl announcements, interviews, or jersey retirement ceremonies.. :)

last night michael & i went on a date to a goldeyes game
i had specifically bought tickets for this game because it was "max poulin night"
now, let me tell you, i really love max poulin. he is an exceptional baseball player, cute guy but also has a humble & kind spirit. he is the player that stayed after games to sign every last signature request. he is the player that went to community events and never turned down an invitation to help out at community events or speaking engagements. last night, he had a little speech after there was a video tribute, a framed jersey, a ring, and all the players were wearing max poulin jerseys. he thanked so many people, but he also encouraged all the kids that were watching, dreaming that maybe they could play baseball professionally. he said that he was already looking forward to sitting in the seats as a fan, watching them play in the future. there is something so cool about kindness when it's in the spotlight.  he didn't seem proud or like he expected this honor, he just seemed genuinely humbled. how cool.
so ya, i tear up at emotional thank you speeches from french baseball players. that's my thing :)

i'll miss max poulin. his speed & accuracy during plays. his ability to look good in tight white pants. his smiling & acknowledging of the fans in the crowd. and after the standing ovation for him last night, i know i'm not the only one!

extremes

yesterday i experienced two extremes of the people in this world

in the afternoon i drove out to the lake with my mom, it was good to spend most of the day with her. i dropped her off at auntie's place to visit, and i went to FBC where i met one of the most wonderful ladies, mary, who has graciously accepted the offer to sit across from me and listen to my ranting and raving (ok, she told me that i don't actually rant.. so that is good!)

it was so good to chat with her again. the last time i went to see her was when i was so overwhelmed in the winter. too busy & stressed to even think or take care of myself, she gave me new ways to look at my situation and new suggestions for tackling the stress in my life. she graciously waited for me to stop sobbing as she asked me the simple question "ashley, who are you?" that i found nearly impossible to answer.

this time around, we started our visit by me updating her on how i'm doing. it was good to be able to talk with confidence of where i'm at, and the healing that has been taking place. i'm not "healed" or magically leaps & bounds ahead.. grief and life are both journeys, that i don't think look the same for any 2 people. at the end of our visit she told me it was good to see the sparkle back in my eye and that she could tell i was more myself. she listened to me talk for an hour about things that are going on in my life, offering suggestions and perspectives. as we were wrapping up our visit she told me that i can feel free to email her at anytime, even just to get something off my chest. it is amazing to have such a safe place to be honest. i left our visit thinking that i am so glad God places such kind, compassionate and wise people in my life. that was the positive extreme of my day.

in the evening we came across a blatant example of the negative extreme of the world we live in! it was the birthday of a very special little guy in our lives, marcus. he turned 8 yesterday! we went to his brother's soccer game first, and then went to marcus' game after. when we got there it was half time, and we were told that they were losing by 1 point, but the worst part was that the other team was quite vicious. pushing, kicking, tripping, taunting. little 8 year olds! when the game started we were shocked to see the bullying going on. some of the players were even shouting rude names & comments at their own goalie when he let a goal in (even though the most vocal kids were the ones that were on defence.. and should have stopped the ball before it got to the goalie.. just saying!). at one point, one of the kids was being so violent and inappropriate that the ref kicked him out for the rest of the game. after some shouting, and lots of hand motions, he sat on the side lines bawling. the coach of marcus' team went over and talked to him and basically said that their team was willing to let him play again if he could play fair. so he came back on.  a little while later, we hear the whistle blow three times, the game is over, and the ref (a young girl, probably only 15 or 16) walks off. a glance at our watches makes us realize the game shouldn't be over & something happened. our friend runs over to her to talk, and finds her crying, totally defeated. and he finds out that the reason she called the game short was that parents from the other team had been yelling constantly mean things to her, so she just decided to call it quits and get out of there. our friend walked over to the parents on the other team to inform them of what just happened and to ask them what happened. to remind them that, even if you don't agree with the way the ref is reffing... there is no need for personal attacks on such a young girl. from there, it went from bad to worse. with parents from that team yelling, denying they were any part of the problem, asking the parents of our team if they "wanted to fight" (um, NO! quite the opposite, they wanted to make peace with the poor ref!) and then hi-fiving their kids for their big win.

as the other team paraded off, the kids were saying "what just happened?!" and wondering why that team of kids thought it was ok to play violently and with mean comments throughout the game. it saddened me to see adult bullies, praising their kids for the same behavior. it left me wondering what had gone on in their lives to bring out such anger and impatience. over an 8 year olds soccer game.

one thing that mary told me numerous times over our meeting was that i was only responsible for myself, for my own actions, my own words, my own reactions. that is what i can control, that is how i can set examples and act in love. in peace. in encouragement.

but how hard that can be when we want to prove the point of justice!

another day of grace. to those we love and to those we struggle to even think about loving.

p as in phoebe, h as in heebe, o as in oh-bee, e as in ee-bee, b as in beebee and e as in... 'ello there mate!

today is another birthday of someone that i LOVE so much.

my dear sissy, phoebe! (*disclaimer, the term sissy is used in love. i am in no way calling her a weakling, my sissy has muscles! for whatever reason it's become my term of endearment for her)

i am a very fortunate & blessed girl. finding such a wonderful friend in my sister-in-law Leah was a gift. i realize that this kind of friendship doesn't always happen. so when i thought about who i would marry, i always hoped that i would have this blessing again. and my hopes came true in michael's sister phoebe. we had a bit of a "rough" start i suppose, phoebe was in a weird spot, as she had been gone in africa the entire year that michael and i started getting interested in one another. also, because of the age difference between michael and i, phoebe is a younger sister to me, but older sister to michael! however, these bumps in the road were quickly smoothed out, and now i don't know what i'd do without phoebs. we love to talk, pray, sing, cry, relax, camp, drink coffee, bake, watch tv/movies together. you name it, we love to do it together. i am so thankful that i was given a second sister-in-law best friend. something i do not take for granted.

i admire my sister phoebe for her hard work & perseverance (especially this last year with finishing her honors degreen in science, her med school prep, interview & patience in the process). i admire her faith & her commitment to others, especially with prayer.  i admire her ability to laugh easily, and cry openly, it's a cool thing about our relationship that we can be open on both ends of the emotional spectrum. i admire her crazy biking skills and that biking over the disraeli is no biggie for her! i just really love her.

happy birthday to my dear sissy. my little h-hyphen. happy birthday. i love you lots and i'm SO glad you're my sister. no matter what happens next year with school or work, we'll have a fun year :)

happy birthday to my dear mom

 a mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. - tenneva jordan

if you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. - robert brault

the heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. - honore de balzac

mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - marion garretty

a mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. washington irving

sunday was my mom's birthday
and i had the privilege of hosting the party!

as i wrapped the gift (the much awaited ipod touch), set the table, cut up the vegetables.. i spent time thinking about my mom & thanking God for her

i have the best mom. a mom that listens to all my ranting and raving. calls me on choices i've made or things i say. laughs with me all the time. cries with me and is always ready with a hug. a mom that shares her heart with me and her vision for women's ministry. a mom that calls me to pray with/for me before a big test, or interview, or tough experience. a mom that is still happy to have sleepovers with me, where we often stay up too late chatting or watching a movie or just relaxing. a mom that i want to call up to go for coffee, or shopping or for lunch. my mom is my best friend and i truly have a friendship with her.

i realize that this isn't the norm for most people, which makes me all the more grateful for what i do have.  my mom is so similar to me (or i guess i'm so similar to her, since she came into the world first!) that i often know what she's thinking or feeling before she even says it (and even when she says she's feeling the opposite and i can see right through it!!). my mom knows how i'm feeling by the tone of my voice over the phone. my mom knows me and still loves me! that is the best! :)

so on sunday we were able to celebrate her, with a bbq steak lunch, presents, peanutbutter icecream cake, watermelon and time playing together with everett as a family, checking out the flowers, the grass, the toys.

i am so thankful for my mom. a pillar in our family, of love, faith, and generosity.
not sure what i'd do without her.

i love you mom. the most. more than you. and way more than 5.
happy birthday and heres to many more!

xo ashes

dare to be remarkable

years ago my mom bought me a necklace that had a round pendant with the words "dare to be remarkable"
i loved it when i received it and still love it. i wore it a lot and often thought about those words. what could i do in life to be daring, to be ok with being different. in what ways could i fully embrace who i am and love myself in that process? dare to be remarkable.

on one trip i had the necklace in a bag with my shampoo.. which ended up spilling everywhere and tarnishing the necklace. i thought about throwing it out, and call me a hoarder or call me sentimental, but i couldn't part with it.

i came across the necklace again the other day and i can't help but think that it now represents my life even more than it did then. tarnished, "broken", imperfect, but still there. the things i've gone through over the last handful of years have changed & shaped me. i've stumbled through more valleys, and i think i've seen glimpses of mountain tops. i can still dare to be remarkable. the scars & struggles have shown me more things to be confident of within myself. my faith. my family. my perseverance. my passions. in rougher shape than when i started this life, i still have so many reasons & ways to reach for the remarkable.
hows that for inspiration on such a grey day? :)

the necklace

beloved

i haven't written for awhile
for a number of reasons
being busy with many fun things
and also insecurity
worrying that i don't have anything good to say
or that i'm just patting myself on the back
or talking and rambling for no good

lately i've been realizing that i have lost a lot of confidence for some reason over the past few years.
just more insecure than i have felt before
messages seem to be coming from every which way
you don't do enough
you do too much
you need to spend more time nurturing your christian walk
you're not active enough, healthy enough, pretty enough
people like her more than you.. etc.

those thoughts are so degrading and debilitating.
i think that when you experience something you have a choice as to how you interpret it. you can be offended or let it roll off your back. you can be confident in who you are, or you can doubt. you can take something as a light hearted comment or spend hours looking for the hidden meaning.

the other day i was with a friend, a very beautiful friend that most people can not say enough wonderful things about - and we bumped into someone we both know, and she commented to my friend "wow, you look great!" - now i could take this as a nice thing that is being said to my friend, or... the way that i took it that day - she looks great, and you don't. i've played that conversation over & over in my mind, and it always leaves me feeling defeated. when i could've chosen to just think it was a nice thing to be said about my friend.

i just really dislike having my mind drift more easily toward the negative. i am not totally sure how you magically become more confident. i think it starts with finding my identity in christ. thinking of myself as he thinks of me. spending less time with people or things that leave me feeling less. the hardest ones are the things that seem to seek me out to make me feel less. not sure how to fully be protected from that.

i have started playing my guitar again on a more regular basis (i go thru phases for no real reason) and i have been playing the song "beloved" - i LOVE this song. a friend of mine from university, kris, taught it to me. the first time we sang it together it gave me chills. holy spirit chills, the ones that i get when i am so overwhelmed in worship that i feel completely surrounded by Christ. it is a good reminder for me, especially when i'm feeling down or less confident.

time for more confidence. a change in perspective. time to see myself as his beloved.

lord it was you who created the heavens

lord it was your hands that put the stars in their place

lord it is your voice that commands the morning

even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet

lord who am i compared to your glory?

lord who am i compared to your majesty?

i'm your beloved

your creation

and you love me as i am

you've called me chosen

for your kingdom

unashamed to call me your own

i'm your beloved

i'm your beloved