life is tastier when drinking chai lattes

i have not written in a while
i haven't been too busy to write, but rather a little too overwhelmed with life i think

my mom was emailing back and forth with me and shared that she thought i was processing my grief later than a lot of people. i've been grieving the whole time since Jay's arrival but was able to continue going 'normally', actually i don't feel like i've been 'normal' since July 24th, and will never be that same normal ever again. but now its like the grief is settling in even more.
these days it feels like the air is thicker and i'm so tired
it's causing my sleep to become restless
and my desire to commit to things (that i used to jump at the chance for) diminish
and i think that last point is ok. i think it's good to take time to just rest and be

i've realized that grief can be very dark when it is not walked thru with Jesus
i've realized that this darkness isn't a lack of Jesus, but rather a lack of me leaning on him
i've realized that this "darkness" has become a 'friend' or a welcome companion, but not a friend at all
i've realized that if Jay was looking out at me from Heaven he would grieve for me when i choose to be friendly with this lack of light. that Jay would want to be loved and remembered and celebrated, thought about, talked about... but not the source of life turning to hopeless gray.

this is my own walk with grief and the air is thick right now
but the other day i was kept awake at night by my Jesus
and he used my own hands to write ASHLEY REMAIN IN MY LOVE while marking the paper with my tears and the tears of my Jesus
the other day he woke me up with the brightest lightning. scattering the darkness that is a companion, but not a friend.
my Jesus woke me up to the sound of rain pounding on the pavement outside my window
and whispered in my ear that this is a fresh start for us
my grief is making the air thick and is shaking my world up again

i think next week is going to make the grief again very raw
i'm learning to let Jesus love on me
and to trust in that relationship.
color sucking grief is not my friend
and I'm learning what it means for Jesus to be companion.

*the title of the post is really just because carmyn and i went to starbucks today and now i'm warming up with a chai latte. chai lattes remind me of being with a friend, visiting, sharing, chatting... companionship. *