when we see you, we find strength to face the day.

praise is rising, eyes are turning to You
we turn to You
hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You
we long for You

when we see You we find strength to face the day
in Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

Hosanna! Hosanna!
You are the God who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna! Hosanna!
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus

hear the sound of hearts returning to You
we turn to You
in Your kingdom broken lives are made new
You make us new
when we see You we find strength to face the day
in Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away
brenton brown - hosanna (praise is rising)

i remember the first time i heard this song
i was at a women's leadership conference in ontario with my mom, theresa and ellen
i remember how the song was new but the words were my own

last night we were singing it at our practice for tonight's service and i realized that the first time i heard it, the first verse of this song resonated with me. i was praising and thankful for the hope Jesus gives us. for what he had in store for me, to give him all my praise!

and now i've realized that it is the last verse that resonates with me. my heart is returning to Jesus. our lives have been broken... at church i think we actually sing "broken hearts are made new" and that is true for me too. our lives and hearts have both been broken... but Jesus wants to make them new! he has been making them new. losing Jay was the hardest thing that could've happened but Jesus has not left our side. would i ask for that kind of pain again? NEVER. am i different than before? yes. Jay's life has changed mine! i will be forever grateful for the things i have realized and the ways my eyes have been opened. Jesus works thru our pain. not to justify death and sadness, but to show himself as faithful through it.

on another note, i am very thankful for the friends i have. last night we went to matt and shaunas, ate eggo's and watched sytycd. i am very thankful that we have lots of places to relax, be ourselves and enjoy fun, conversation and also talk about whats all going on in our lives.
and.. i miss jo! we're talking about maybe going to visit there in the fall or winter.. but i'm thinking it will probably end up being winter.. we shall see!

our God, He reigns forever

i want to thank those of you who have been praying for me and my family

i can say, without a doubt that i felt held up by those prayers especially on Friday as we celebrated Jay's birthday.

on Friday around lunch time, I went to the cemetery. I cried as I looked at what people brought to his grave, and cried knowing that this was such a small window into all that we wanted to give him!
i sat beside the stone that has his name beautifully carved into it. i sat there and told him that it was his birthday and that i loved him more every single day! i read psalm 139 and told him that he was perfectly and wonderfully made.

i felt Jesus sitting there beside me and read the bible out loud, claiming the promises for me, for Jay, for Josh and Leah, for Michael, for my mom and dad, for Leah's parents, and ian and morgan and the list went on.

the evening was a time of family and of celebrating Jay. it was so good to be together.

on thursday I could already feel prayer holding me up. holding me closer to Jesus. i had decided not to sing on the worship team, as I felt that it would be better for me to have a chance to worship on my own and not infront of the congregation necessarily. I did however remain involved by doing the powerpoint for the service, which ended up being a blessing to me. i had to follow the words closer than i do normally, since, as a singer I am good at memorizing songs quickly, and normally don't need to look at the words. Sometimes this puts me on autopilot and i think i lose out on some of the significance of the words and the message we are proclaiming.

i read this song, as I was singing and scrolling thru the power point. it is a special song to me, and part of it is at the top of my blog page. strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
his grace is sufficient for us! his power thru my weakness.

i was able to sing the words, and felt the power of proclaiming them

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord

our God, He reigns forever!
our HOPE, our strong deliver

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
you do not faint, you won't grow weary.
you're the defender of the weak
you comfort those in need
you lift us up on wings like eagles.

thank you to those who are blessing my family and i thru your prayers.

happy birthday baby jay!

today is my first nephews first birthday
oh how my arms are aching to hold you little guy.
i know that you would have me laughing at your antics
that i would be kissing your little cheeks non stop
that you would hear that you were loved over and over!

today we are celebrating Jay
there is no one that could ever take his place

today i want to celebrate how special he is
how much fun it was preparing for his arrival to the world
one of my favorite moments with Jay was when our family got stranded in the cuba airport.... waiting for the plane from 11 pm till 7am! Jay was so active that evening, kicking and playing in mommy's tummy. we all sat there watching Leah's belly and laughing when we saw his kicks!
i will always cherish watching my little nephew play inside his mom. I have no doubt that he knew he was loved. so very loved.

another favorite moment with my little sweet pea was when i had a moment alone with him in the hospital. Leah was in the bathroom and she asked me to hold him, what a privilege! I sat there alone with Jay and cried over him. I held his little hands and kissed his cheeks. the softest cheeks!
i touched his curls and smiled at how cute i know his hair would've grown! curls just like his mom.
i unwrapped his little feet and counted his toes. his feet were so big... he would've grown tall. probably outgrown me... and i would've been ok with that! :)
i kissed his little button nose, hugged him, bounced him and whispered over and over... this auntie loves you so so so so much.
i will never forget how good it felt to hold him. and today my arms long to hold you again Jay.

today we are celebrating this little life that changed ours. changed everyone that knew our family and everyone that anticipated Jay. today we are loved. today Jesus is holding Jay and celebrating him as well. today Jay and everyday... i love you so much!

happy birthday baby, you are forever loved.

thank you to Jeremy for the beautiful photos. we are so thankful.

another monday

another monday at the beginning of a very hard week.
i can not believe it's been a year.
this week last year i was in such a different spot than this year
but, one thing is, i definitely know love a lot more tangibly than i did this time last year
but i've never felt so robbed of the privilege to give that love to the one it's intended for!
it's not fair

i was explaining how i am feeling to my caregroup last night. they were supportive listeners and then prayed together with us. thank you Jesus for friends who haven't forgotten about me
i feel that i know that i am loved, and i know that God can handle my anger and frustration
but i still just don't get it. it just is not fair and my heart just can not believe the reality of our situation
so raw

i decided to finally go see the chiropractor, i've been feeling nausea in the mornings (not pregnant just to clear that up). something in my back cracked about 3 weeks ago and it's been making me feel sick every morning. so dr wiebe did some scans and xrays today and tomorrow i will go see him again and see what the plan is

i am very thankful for my husband. i don't think i say that enough.
i've taken quite a few pictures lately and will add them onto here for any who would like to see
it is good to enjoy life giving moments, it helps me to not let my grief take me over

enjoy a little glimpse of some people that i love. i would have pics of my family up here but i left my camera in the car during the stampede.
camping with the thiessen's old bible study group. so good to have chad back :)when i took michael on a picnic he found something to climb. i think he is part monkey.
at half moon checking out the rainbow, right before we found out there was no power at halfmoon so we could only have icecream and had to pay with cash. it was a group effort.my man... down by the river behind half moonlaughing. we took lots of pictures on our picniccarmyn booking baseball tickets for us, while at her apartment!the guys (mike, andrew and james) skipping rocks on the river
we were pretty happy to be in the sun, after we had done a garbage cleanup and ran away from the start of a thunderstorm... only getting a little wet. then after some icecream and sun we were happy still.

some fun random things to know

i really hope that that last post wasn't a "downer" for people who read it
truth be told, i am still enjoying life and am still a happy person
i still have a wonderful family and group of friends that i love and that i am loved by
Jesus is still ever present
when i worship i worship with sincerity and gratitude
not full understanding
the air is thick for me right now but I still feel like i'm moving ahead, maybe just with different steps than i'm used to.
i am so thankful for Jay and his impact on my life. and i think as his birthday comes up
my grief is looking different yet again.

I just wanted to maybe add a more hopeful spin to parts of my post from yesterday (altho i do realize that very few people read this, i figured it was still worth the telling)


i'm feeling cheerful this afternoon
the end of a friday work day means two full days of time for non work life! and everyone likes that

so, here are some fun random things about me that i felt like sharing for fun

i always leave the last sip of coffee in my mug or take out cup, it drives michael crazy
when i have my hair curly i feel more glamorous, even if i'm wearing sweats
i appreciate really good music, but most days my radio is set to 103
i don't understand why people hang their toilet paper "under"... so sometimes i switch it while i'm in there.
i can fit a toonie up my nose
it drives me crazy that i have two silver teeth in my mouth, but i don't want fake ones either!
i would eat cereal at every meal if i could get away with it
my favorite place to worship is alone at my piano or around a campfire or in a living room with a small group of people
i think the egg shaker is a fabulous invention
on really hot summer days i daydream about walking downtown while it's snowing
i'd like to live at the lake
my mom and sisters are who i call my best friends
i am surprisingly very shy
i used to want to have two sons one day, but now i think i want a girl and a boy, or maybe just two girls... but probably a girl and a boy (not like i really have a choice!)
i enjoy hanging out with the elderly
i want my nose pierced
i miss jo all the time, especially when i go to starbucks
if i were rich i would buy starbucks every day. sometimes twice.
i would like to fly to the dominican republic for the sunshine, but mostly for the passionfruit!
i want to take a photography course in time for when josh and leah's 2nd babe is born
i love my husband more than i ever thought i could love someone!
i love being with and hanging out with my dad

time for a fun filled weekend! pedicures, manitoba stampede, getting our treadmill & caregroup!

life is tastier when drinking chai lattes

i have not written in a while
i haven't been too busy to write, but rather a little too overwhelmed with life i think

my mom was emailing back and forth with me and shared that she thought i was processing my grief later than a lot of people. i've been grieving the whole time since Jay's arrival but was able to continue going 'normally', actually i don't feel like i've been 'normal' since July 24th, and will never be that same normal ever again. but now its like the grief is settling in even more.
these days it feels like the air is thicker and i'm so tired
it's causing my sleep to become restless
and my desire to commit to things (that i used to jump at the chance for) diminish
and i think that last point is ok. i think it's good to take time to just rest and be

i've realized that grief can be very dark when it is not walked thru with Jesus
i've realized that this darkness isn't a lack of Jesus, but rather a lack of me leaning on him
i've realized that this "darkness" has become a 'friend' or a welcome companion, but not a friend at all
i've realized that if Jay was looking out at me from Heaven he would grieve for me when i choose to be friendly with this lack of light. that Jay would want to be loved and remembered and celebrated, thought about, talked about... but not the source of life turning to hopeless gray.

this is my own walk with grief and the air is thick right now
but the other day i was kept awake at night by my Jesus
and he used my own hands to write ASHLEY REMAIN IN MY LOVE while marking the paper with my tears and the tears of my Jesus
the other day he woke me up with the brightest lightning. scattering the darkness that is a companion, but not a friend.
my Jesus woke me up to the sound of rain pounding on the pavement outside my window
and whispered in my ear that this is a fresh start for us
my grief is making the air thick and is shaking my world up again

i think next week is going to make the grief again very raw
i'm learning to let Jesus love on me
and to trust in that relationship.
color sucking grief is not my friend
and I'm learning what it means for Jesus to be companion.

*the title of the post is really just because carmyn and i went to starbucks today and now i'm warming up with a chai latte. chai lattes remind me of being with a friend, visiting, sharing, chatting... companionship. *

an excerpt

as mack made his way down the trail toward the lake, he suddenly realized that something was missing. his constant companion, the great sadness, was gone. it was as if it had been washed away in the mists of the waterfall as he emerged from behind its curtain.
its absence felt odd, perhaps even uncomfortable. for the past years it had defined for him what was normal, but now unexpectedly it had vanished. 'normal is a myth', he thought to himself.
the great sadness would not be part of his identity any longer. he knew now that missy wouldn't care if he refused to put it on. in fact, she wouldn't want him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. he wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go - to walk into each day withou the guilt and despair that had sucked the colors of life out of everything.
---
ask me my thoughts on this if you'd like to know. this was taken from "the shack"

i stole this from Kara's blog...

HAVE YOU:

1. Travelled → yes quite a bit. With my family we typically go somewhere warm with beautiful beaches, florida, dominican, cuba. i've also been to south africa, parts of europe, cruises of the caribean and bahamas, guatemala and parts of canada and the us!
2. What is your weakness → bargain shopping... i love finding deals! also sudoku, gum & slurpees
3. Laughed until you cried → very often. i have a funny husband, family and friends!
4. Met someone who changed you → my family has shaped me a lot that's forsure! other than them i would say these people changed my life for the better: Michael <3 , Leah, Phoebe and my precious nephew Jay!
5. Found out who your true friends were → sure have
6. How many kids do you want to have → 2 or 3
7. Do you have any pets → Oreo will forever be my pup, i really want another dog or a cat someday, but probably not for awhile.
8. Do you want to change your name → Growing up i used to change my name for fun, mostly just with my friends when we wrote notes etc. I actually really love my name!
9. What did you do for your last birthday → my mom took me out for lunch, michael and i spent the evening together, but we don't actually remember what we did. my guess would be that we ordered chinese and watched a movie or something. celebrated with my families the nights following.
10. What time did you wake up today → 8:35
11. What were you doing at midnight last night → sleeping!

12.Name something you CANNOT wait for → december 17th or 18th :)
13. Last time you saw your father→ this afternoon at grandma's
14. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Sometimes I wish that money didn't exist and we wouldn't have to worry about it! I wish that I could be more confident.
15. What are you listening to right now → TV - Friends, the fan and michael sleeping
16. What's getting on your nerves right now? → i cut my leg shaving an hour ago and it still stings!
17. Most visited webpage → gmail and cooks.com

THE BASICS:
18. Nicknames → Ash, Ashes, Ashy, Pook, Pumpkin, Pump, Pumpy, Lump, Lumpy, Lumpkin, Poofler, Muffler and Poof
19. Relationship Status → happily married!
20. High school you attended → MBCI
21. Hair color → blonde - although it is actually "mousy brown", thank goodness for hi lites and low lites!
22. Long or short → on the shorter side right now, right around my chin
23. Height → 5'5 ish
24. Do you have a crush on someone? → You bet, and he's pretty handsome!
25: What do you like about yourself? → I like that my priorities and my values are in the right place, and that I am happy with where I am at right now
26. Piercings → just my ears, 3 holes in 1 ear, 4 holes in the other. but i'd like to get my nose pierced
27. Tattoos → I have a bluejay with Jay's initials on my right shoulder blade
28. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → oral surgery when i was 2
23. First piercing → ears
24. First best friends → I remember talking to my dog everyday after school, his name was Sam. At school... probably Crystal or Darlene or Lorissa, or Kara Fast? my mom would probably know better than me :)
25. First sport → Baseball I think. I also did Figure Skating a bit
26. First vacation→ We went to Edmonton and Banff when I was really little (2ish) but I don't remember that. We went to Florida when I was five and I remember parts of that.
27. First concert → Newsboys or something? It was a christian band and I think they were wearing pajama pants.
28. First crush - That I can remember... Peter Gross

29. First Love - Real love -- Michael

RIGHT NOW:
30. Eating → nothing
31. Drinking → iced tea. I finally bought some mix.. welcome summer!
32. I'm about to → get ready to go to Carmyn and James' for caregroup
33. Listening to → We already had this question... TV - Friends
34. Waiting for → Michael to wake up in a bit so we can get ready to go

YOUR FUTURE :
35. Want kids? → definitely.
36. Want to get married? → already am
37. Careers in mind? → I'm happy where I am right now. I have also thought about going to Beauty School to be an Esthetician, or getting a degree as a Recreation Facilitator for the Elderly and people with disabilities.

HAVE YOU:

38. Lost someone special? → yes - both Grandpas, my Granny and Jay
39. Been depressed? → no, have had hard days and months thought
40. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope, never

41. Broken someone's heart → Nope
42. Had your own heart broken → yup, see #38
43. Cried when someone died → Still cry about it, which I think is ok.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
44. Yourself → Yes, 99% of the time!

45. Miracles → yes, altho I think there are a lot of things that are miracles that we brush off as ordinary
46. Heaven → Most definitely
47. Santa Claus → no although I think I'll pretend for my kids when they're really little
48. God or a Higher Power? → God. Of course!!

FAVORITES:

49. Drink - Most drinks from Starbucks. Altho I also really like a regular old cup of peppermint tea, coffee or mint hot chocolate

50. Food - Pad Thai

51. Movie - You've Got Mail, Fever Pitch or Bewitched

52. Band - Depends on the day. Altho I consistently like the Dixie Chicks

53. Memory - holding Jay, my wedding day, the feeling of relaxation on my honeymoon with Michael, watching sunsets in hawaii with ellen, watching Leah walk down the aisle, "studying" at starbucks with Jo, living with Shauna, singing with my Grandpa at the hospital.. ok i have a lot!

54. TV Show - I have too many favorites: Friends, So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway Canada, Ellen, OC, Bachelorette

55. Hobbies - I love taking pictures, making cards, being at coffee shops, board games, reading, sitting around the bonfire

56. Subject - in university i liked my psychology courses best

green cookies

i just made green cookies while michael made lunch
i used pistachio pudding, so they are green and tasty

on a different note, look how big baby is now! :Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now out measure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your baby is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements.

so exciting!

all this beauty... might have to close your eyes

daily inspirations:

• stretch your comfort zone
• travel without a map
• welcome the sunrise

This has been quite the week... one of those weeks where lots of little things seem to go wrong, and all just add up to make you say HEY give me a break! but then you realize that most of them, are just little things... and life is still ok!

some of the things: (like i said, some are big, some are small...)
ordering lunch and having it come back covered in all kinds of things i didn't want or order, taking a sip of my drink only to realize there is a hole in the bottom of the cup and it's been spilling the whole time, almost getting t-boned..., my key not working in the door, almost getting side swiped, running out of an ingredient while baking, wrong date for an appointment, sore legs from weeding the never ending weeds in my flower beds!, and then finding out that starbucks no longer makes my favorite drink!

however, really... those are all quite small little things

more importantly in life, yesterday was 3 years since my grandpa went to be with Jesus. oh Grandpa... i think about him all of the time. I have this picture of him in my head, many actually, and he is always smiling. i like to imagine him taking Jay for walks in heaven. he'd have his walking stick and he'd keep up with little Jay. and Grandpa would be explaining all the different things that they see along the way. Grandpa brought our family closer together, i really truly believe that. He was such a gift to our family, and no one will ever be quite like him (altho my dad is pretty close!). when i think of canada day i think of spending the evening before sitting beside his bed holding his hand and singing him hymns and worship songs quietly while he fell asleep. then he woke up enough to tell me he loved me and to go get some rest. i love thinking about my time with Grandpa.

and soon it will be Jay's birthday. the other day i opened my wallet to pay for something and the cashier saw a picture of Jay. She said to me "that is the most beautiful baby! he must've just been a new born in this picture" and I smiled and very proudly said "isn't he! that is my nephew Jay." I didn't feel the need to tell her that he passed away, but rather just agreed that yes! he was so beautiful!! I'm so proud of my little nephew, and that is all that the cashier needed to know. It is good to remember Jay for who he is, and to celebrate how wonderful he was.

the other day i was thinking about the day when the next babe will be born, the day that Jay will have a little brother or sister, and this song was playing in the background where I was. It reminded me of how much beauty and love there is with babies, with Jay and with this next one. I think we will see a lot of Jay in the next baby, and we will be able to celebrate both of them. I think I will be overwhelmed with beauty, and this song will be playing again in my head that day:

all this beauty
you might have to close your eyes
and slowly open wide.
all this beauty
we've travelled all night
we drank the ocean dry
and watch the sunrise