four friends.

alzheimers.

that word pulls different heart strings for me than it did a few months ago.

i'm nearing the end of the 2nd month of working at the personal care home and i am continuing to love it.

i love to share my stories of the way these people have found their way into my heart. ways they make me laugh and ways that they have opened my heart up to their own grief and circumstance.

oh how i wish you could all know them. my new and very dear friends.. their personalities, their stories, their history, their quirks. i have been told often in the last couple of months "thats wonderful what you're doing, but i'm glad its you & not me" - i realize that not everyone is cut out to spend their days 'hanging with seniors' - but for me, it is truly a privilege and something that i deeply love. without breaking their confidentiality, i would like to tell you about a few of my dear friends.

i will change their names, but i would like to tell you about four special people. rita, susie, nicole and ted.

rita. rita loves the color blue. she does not like the color purple, although she will wear her purple dress when everything else is in the laundry. she loves to have her nails painted a color called "pink shock". she collects newspaper articles and 'steals' fake flowers off the bulletin boards & displays. rita has dentures but never bothers to wear them. her smile is contagious and her laughter is constant. rita loves life. she has lived at the PCH for almost 15 years but her outlook on life is positive. she's an encourager in games 'slow & steady now... slow & steady' and a consistent cheer leader. rita's mind has been attacked by alzheimers but her heart has not. she speaks bluntly but loves constantly. i look forward to seeing rita every time i work.

susie. susie loves to walk. continually walking, observing, gathering. susie will pick up anything you put down and will carry it to wherever she is going. susie loves to sing. she loves music. alzheimers has viciously attacked susies mind and it can be quite hard for her to get past those barriers. if you are patient with susie, if you sing to susie, if you encourage susie.. she communicates. she will sing with you, and smile at you. she will tell you she loves you or that she appreciates you. i get a hug daily from susie, she is a very special lady.

nicole. nicole is a fiesty lady. she likes to "hop" behind her walker so that she exercises and never becomes lazy. nicole used to be a nurse - a well known - much appreciated nurse. nicole never married, never had children but she has some wonderful caring mothering qualities. alzheimers has made nicole very confused, but has not attacked her caring spirit. you can still she her nursing care come out in the way she folds laundry, the way she asks about other residents. the other night i found nicole sitting very quietly beside her bed. the blankets had been stripped and folded and she was looking somber. i asked her what was wrong and she told me that the woman who normally lays in that bed has suddenly passed away. no one had been there, so she was going to stay so the lady wouldn't be alone. the alzheimers has made her unaware of her reality a lot of the time, but i was given a glimpse into the way she cared for her patients in the past. the way she sat there, lovingly caring for the lady that was all alone. i love knowing and caring for nicole!

and ted. dear ted! i love coming out of the elevator and seeing ted smiling at me. often waiting for me to show up to take him to the entertainment. ted loves to nap during the day. he always wears slippers and he is often quiet. he loves bingo, loves popcorn twists. he loves music but does not enjoy singing because he thinks he isn't any good! he doesn't know Jesus, but his heart is tender and kind and he is a consistent encouragement. his heart is soft and visible in the way he speaks and acts. ted tells me constantly how thankful he is for the PCH and for each one of us. the world needs more teds.

alzheimers. a vicious horrible disease. but what a gift to be able to have time to look past it and learn about my friends. their history, their quirks, their loves, what makes them laugh and what pulls on their heart strings. my wonderful, dear special friends!

mountains

i used to want to be a writer - because i liked the feeling of the keyboard, the sound of how it clicked and watching my thoughts appear on the screen ahead of me
i used to want to be a trucker - because i could eat donuts all day and burp without anyone telling me not to (i was much younger when this was my dream...)
i used to want to be a speech therapist - to help people overcome issues that keep them from being able to fully express themselves, and help people overcome obstacles in their way
i currently still wish to be a rec therapist - i am currently working part time as one - but i don't yet get to do the job entirely (charting etc) because i am not yet done the schooling
right now though.. right now.. i just want to be settled.

i feel like i'm surrounded by mini mountains - mini obstacles.
trusting God & following a .4 job - which caused me to run face first into a new mountain of leaving a full time job. those of you who have heard the whole story know the ins & outs of this situation.
it is hard for me because i feel out of control.. i'm job sharing my position as they look for my replacement and i feel as though i'm constantly sorting my way out of a foggy foggy day. i sort the work, the emails, the letters, the cheques, the orders, the invoices, the messages into piles and start.. one by one.

i'm waiting to hear back from one potential job, and trying to fully decide about a 2nd interview i've been offered for another position. clarity? i suppose the best way to find clarity in this is on my knees - prayer & trust. sounds so easy!

thankfully amongst all of these mountains there are beautiful sights. multiple hugs a day from one of my ladies, an encouraging "you're really good at helping us" from one of my favorite gentlemen, an invitation back for future conversations with a lady that is normally very quiet, a tearful moment with a very special lady going through loss, the sound of my nephew learning new "words" to babble, the sight of wratw coming to fruition, the fact that my grandma still has the same humor - trust - faith - love despite all of her circumstances, and last night - the invitation from one of my ladies to "watch my favorite television show with me" she said she'd been hoping all day to bump into me so she could invite me to 'hang out'

such wonderful things. now if only i could feel settled!

oh what peace we often forfeit
oh what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer...

a song i've sung to my grandma a few times over the last week - so true for me everyday.
trust & pray!

happy anniversary to us!

last night as i was about to fall asleep i said to michael "two years ago tonight, i could barely sleep with excitement!"

and i woke up today thinking "two years ago i woke up for the most fabulous day, when i married my best friend!!"

two years ago... in some ways it seems like just the other day, and in other ways it feels like way more than 2 years (in a good way!)

i think that michael & i have had to go through many things that most people our age have not dealt with and maybe never will. i think that we had to lean on one another in ways that newlyweds normally don't have to worry about! but I am so glad for my man. so glad for the way we have walked through grief and hard times together. so glad that he was there to see Jay. so glad he was there by my side anxiously awaiting Everett. so glad he has been by my side as we work through church life. and so thankful for the way he is ok with my many tears as i go over this rollercoaster of emotion with grandma's health. so glad that he gets to work side by side with my dad & brother making the retreat centre become a reality! we are in this life, side by side.

yesterday i was sitting & visiting with one of my ladies at the carehome, and i was asking her all about her family etc. i asked her to tell me about when she met her husband, when they got married etc. and she told me that this summer they celebrated 70 years! 70!!! i asked her if she loved her husband more today than she did when she married him, and she said "well... Yes. in so many ways i love him way more. but i also worry about him way more! but no, i just love him" i told her that my goal was to be celebrating my 70th anniversary one day too :)

michael - i love you, you are my best friend! i love that you laugh at my jokes, that you listen to my stories and tell me your thoughts and dreams. i love waking up beside you and doing life side by side with you. two years ago we made a promise in front of all of our family, friends and God to love one another forever and I am happy to have the privilege to do just that! happy anniversary, i love you!

your praise goes on

your praise goes on : jon buller

the moon is high and the sunset fades, lullabies have all been sung

we're tucking in another day - stars appear now one by one

the stillness moves and the silence yields, not a single beat is lost

you can hear the chorus in the fields - taking up where we left off

and your praise goes on

rising to Your throne

where you guide us while we dream

past the stars they fly

your praises fill the sky

till the setting of the sun

and Your praise goes on

bring your warmth oh morning sun, chase the stars and the moon away

wake us with your brightest dawn - add our voice to your refrain

rise up everything that lives, clap your hands and leap for joy

forest lift your arms and sway - clap your hands you ocean waves

and your praise goes on

rising to Your throne

where you bless our toil and play

through the clouds they rise

your praises fill the skies

till the setting of the sun

and Your praise goes on

when my final breath you lend

I'll thank you for the life you've gave

but that won't mean the praises end

cause I won't be silenced by the grave

and Your praise goes on

I'll be running to your throne

with every nation tribe and tongue

to your arms I'll fly

I'll gaze into your eyes

then I'll know, as I am known

and Your praise goes on

and Your praise goes on

and Your praise goes on...

being home in the morning is a new privilege for me with my new job. two mornings a week I can be home, alone. or do errands or sleep or read or pray or sing... the mornings are a gift to me. this morning my aunt had emailed me asking me about pictures of my grandma and songs that we could use for her slideshow. Auntie Corinna and I worked on grandpa's slideshow together last time as well, and it was very special to be able to show it to him before he died. Maybe we'll have the same privilege with Grandma. the above song is one that just brought tears to my eyes thinking about Grandma meeting Jesus.

truth is - Grandma is likely leaving us very shortly. her cancer is out of control. her calcium and creatine levels are higher than they should ever be. her blood is low and getting lower. a few days ago she was so confused that all I could do was weep beside her bed.

I wrote on facebook the other day that "preparing to let go of someone is a little easier when you know she is longing to run into the arms of Jesus". I believe that Grandma has glimpses of heaven. that she is ready to run to Jesus.

Leah and I were talking about Heaven the other day and I love the way she was describing it to me the way she sees it because it fit the way that I see it as well. we don't think it will be this huge "zoom" of transformation from this world to the next. but rather it will be like the perfect and complete feeling of content. of being home. everyone you have ever loved will be there. and you will be known. I believe that Grandma is so ready to feel that love wash over her. I believe she is getting glimpses of sitting next to Grandpa again, of hearing his voice and no longer feeling like half of her is gone. I think he is ready to have her by his side again.

I will always miss her, this side of heaven. but I am so ready to let her run and gaze into the eyes of Jesus.

and Your praise goes on...

twenties girl

chick lit - is genre fiction within women's fiction which addresses issues of modern women often humorously and lightheartedly. Although sometimes it includes romantic elements, it is generally not considered a direct subcategory of the romance novel genre, because in chick lit the heroine's relationships with her family or friends may be just as important as her romantic ones

over the last couple of years i've re-realized my love of reading. i love to get lost in a novel, in the characters & relationships. sometimes i get so involved in the story line that i will jump ahead on the page to try & get a sneak peak as to how the conversation on the page will work itself out. sometimes i'll cry with the characters, or laugh outloud. often i can not do much else until i'm done reading it, and then feel a little put-off that my relationship with these characters is over, and does not come alive outside of the pages!

this weekend i've been lost in a sophie kinsella novel. i think she is a wonderfully clever writer. it may not be anything earth shattering but the story line weaves in and out of itself & many times i feel personally invested in her characters. this novel is called "twenties girl" and i feel like it couldn't have come at a better time in my life... not because i'm in my twenties - although that seems like the obvious connection.

tomorrow i am starting a new job. walking into the doors of the therapeutic recreation world for the first official time. there have been teeny glimmers of nervousness, but in general i am just very truly excited. i love the idea of working to improve quality of life - dignity - respect - enjoyment! how does this connect to a piece of chick-lit you may ask? well.. allow me to make the connection

the main character in the story is Lara, and her great-aunt Sadie has passed away & comes back as a ghost, asking Lara to help her find this old necklace. whenever Sadie appears, she is back in her twenties. she died at 105, but she felt the most alive in her 20's. Lara goes on a date for Sadie, complete in a flapper dress, and dances the charleston... all for Sadie. At one point Lara decides to go back to Sadie's care home, and she brings along some CD's from the 20's - an era that many of the seniors would have lived through. And this is the portion that i just loved:

on the other side of the room, an old man sitting under a tartan blanket with a tank of oxygen next to him turns his head. I can see the light of recognition coming on in faces around the room. Somebody starts humming along in a quavery voice. One woman even begins tapping her hand, her whole self lit up with pleasure...

i feel a sudden lump in my throat as i watch. They are all Sadie inside, aren't they? They're all in their twenties inside. All that white hair and wrinkled skin is just cladding. The old man with the oxygen tank was probably once a dashing heartthrob. That woman with distant rheumy eyes was once a mischievous young girl who played pranks on her friends. They were all young with love affairs and friends and parties and an endless life ahead of them..

and as I'm standing there, the weirdest thing happens. It's as if I can see them, the way they were. I can see their young, vibrant selves, rising up out of their bodies, shaking off their old-ness, starting to dance with each other to the music. They're all dancing the Charleston, kicking up their heels skittishly, their hair dark and strong, their limbs lithe again, and they're laughing, clutching each other's hands, throwing back their heads, revelling in it -

where the world sees a room full of the negativities of oldness - i see a room full of life, personality - of twenties guys & girls.