all things sweet & delicious.

the day is not yet done.. but so far it has been a sweet one.
my lunch is about over, and then i will get back into finishing up one of the many things on my to-do list
i love to-do lists.. well, actually i have a "to do folder" because it's slightly easier to organize, and my thoughtful friend audrey gave me a couple of colorful polkadot folders.. so it just looks a lot nicer on my desk :)

anyway.. this will be a short and sweet post because there are many things to get done this afternoon and i'm excited about seeing that list decrease!

the morning started earlier than normal. i knew this, because i had set my alarm for 35 minutes earlier than normal. on a typical morning i will hit my snooze about 5-6 times (not even exaggerating) and then i race to get ready and out the door on time. so last night when i was going to sleep i told myself to get up with the first alarm. so.. there i was, awake. i changed into my "work out attire" and went downstairs. the cats are so telling of my normal morning routine, that they look completely surprised and confused to see me awake. up before michael. dressed (ha!), and going downstairs to the treadmill. but there i was. and half an hour later i had 2 miles under my belt and i was getting showered and ready for the day.

next it was out the door with me, and it was raining. misting. and i was in one of my favorite plaid shirts (thanks phoebe!) and my poofy vest (i seriously love poofy vests) and i felt cozy warm (contrary to my description.. i am wearing something on my bottom half. but wouldn't that be a sight!) i do love the rain. it seems to cheer me up, unlike how it treats most people! i picked up my carpool and we swung by starbucks for a morning warm up.

work has flowed on, and its good to get stuff finished up.

then lunch. my hubby popped in for a surprise visit, and we went for a quick bite down the street. at lunch another friend popped in to get michael's signature (he's a celebrity! wait.. no it was something for the business) and when we were done eating & went to pay the waitress informed us that our friend had covered the bill. we walked out of there full, satisfied and appreciative of such a nice gesture.

the fresh rain, the good start, the bold coffee, the impromtu visits, the simple & thoughtful gesture... all things sweet & delicious.

limbo

what do you think when you hear the term "limbo"?
the game? a place or state of oblivion? roman catholic theology? a place or state of imprisonment or confinement? or an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place?
(all of those are actual definitions of the term limbo)

for me i think of the last one, a transitional state. at least right now.

there are a few areas in my life where i feel like i'm in a "limbo state".
knowing what i want to "do for a living" but having to take the slow steps to get there.
feeling out of place in one of my places of "community" but not being able to move forward - either do to my own stubbornness (not letting go of past hurts, frustrations etc) or to things that are out of my control - but also not being able to go back to the past.
having ideas of what i would like that community to look like, but also trying to take in to account that my "family" is not just me, but my husbands thoughts & feelings as well.
knowing who I'd "like to be" but overcoming my own shortfalls & learning to accept things about myself that may never change. there is such a balance between knowing who you want to be.. and loving who you ARE.
letting go of my childhood home to fully embrace this new chapter of life for my family. i am SO excited about WRATW but it means finally having to let go of anola. who knew something so physical could be such an emotional tug of war.
loving every minute i spend with everett, but still struggling with the grief of losing jay. i don't know that this one will ever balance, because it will never be "fixed".. but sometimes i have to hold my breath as the grief re-washes over and over and over, and sometimes all i can do is weep. i don't think many 25 year olds go through experiences in their first 25 years that they can only respond to by weeping. sometimes the feeling of "limbo" is just hoping & praying that we have received our full amount of grief & despair and praying that God will keep everything else at bay - but knowing that he doesn't "work like that".
limbo as many of our friends are becoming moms & dads - dreaming of when it'll be our turn, but loving the time we get to spend without kids! but also very excited for when we do have kids that can play with our friends kids! :)

limbo is sometimes exciting, and other times i think it can stop us from moving forward, or keep us dwelling in the past. such a fine line!

maybe the game "limbo" has that name because it bends you & pushes you out of your comfort zone - and you either break/fall or you come out excited by your success or you are just thankful that round is over! much like the state of limbo. debilitating or liberating or, i suppose, sometimes just a state to pass through. sort of like north dakota.. either its a total waste of time, or a successful shopping trip or just a means to an end (the end being the Ikea in Minneapolis!)
tangent.

thanks for loving & listening. and for those of you who stand in limbo with me :)

honesty

i think honesty is underused and underrated.
honesty with ourselves, honesty with God, honesty with friends, with grief, with joy, with the church. honesty with family, with insecurity, with passion...

i've been thinking about honesty for the last few weeks. finding it ironic that we can even be dishonest within ourselves! how odd... i find that journaling (thoughts, emotions, exercise, food, prayers) will really point out where we are being dishonest with ourselves, which is probably why it gets neglected!

i have been thinking about the negative names that honesty is often given: strong personality, stubborn, mean, insensitive, dwelling in the past, stuck, painful, frustrating.. at least in my own life experiences. (* sometimes i think people use the term "honesty" to get away with being mean or stubborn.. that isn't what I'm meaning here!)

this whole thinking about honesty really hit me in the face when I was in a few conversations etc. over the course of a few days where I felt like honesty was not allowed. either I would be stepping on toes, or boring someone, or hurting feelings, or causing an argument. None of which was the heart behind my desire to be honest. I really value honesty, and when a relationship or conversation becomes surface.. I just don't really see the point.

I've also been realizing times where I haven't cut someone else enough slack, when they were being honest.. even if it meant retelling me the same stories over and over. They were/are being real, and being honest as they work things through.

So, honesty.

In all honesty.. I think about Jay everyday of my life. I wonder what it would be like to smell his skin or kiss his cheeks. I wonder what his voice would sound like, and I wonder what color his eyes would be. I still think about the hurt, and the loss.. because it is ever-present! I will never tire of bringing him up in conversation.. because that is the only way I can experience being his auntie right now!

In all honesty.. I have been hurt by lack of support from some, weird distance from others and baffled by actions of some others. At the same time, other friendships have been strengthened by support & the way they stumbled with me through all of this. That hurt... still hits me in the face a lot, and I'm working to let it go, but sometimes it's just too much.

In all honesty.. I am learning to let go of insecurities and fully love myself. Which also means learning to let my husband love me with all of those insecurities! (it's a good thing I have him!). someone told me that their daughter decided one of her first steps she would take (after the recent beth moore simulcast) was to start saying "thank you" when her husband complimented her.. rather than trying to convince him he was wrong! sounds like a good first step to me.

i'm not really sure how to end this. I really value honesty, and i'm trying to figure this out!
thank you to those who always allow me to be honest. xo

He is risen!!

Today is Easter sunday... and I have spent the morning at home alone (well, with my 2 kitties)
I really wanted to go to church, but I still don't have the energy to go & to sit there for the service. So I decided to spend the morning with some good music playing on our stereo, with a home made italian soda, with a cozy blanket, my bible & my beth moore study.

I got behind on the study a few weeks ago.. so I have been catching up a lot this week. I think that God gave this study to me this morning, as I cried while I read the account of the resurrection of Jesus & read about it also from the angel's perspective.

I was blessed this morning by Jesus & I am celebrating his saving grace & his resurrection! I was also very blessed by the words Beth put into this study & I hope they will bless you too.

(Taken from "A woman's heart: God's Dwelling Place" by Beth Moore)

How the heavenly hosts must adore God's precious Son, as anxious as they were to shout His blessed birth announcement, as compelled as they were to minister to His every need in the wilderness! How they must have begged the Father for release the day the nails were driven into His flesh!...

(When Mary entered the tomb she did not find the body of Jesus, but she found two angels that "gleamed like lightning". One sat at the head & the other at the foot of the place where Jesus' body had been.)

Can you imagine the divine appointment as God called out the names of two of His cherubim and beckoned them before the throne, then sent them to earth to guard the most precious body that ever lived?
Surely as the body of their beloved lay in that tomb, those two angels stood constant guard, one at the head, one at the feet, facing one another with wings outstretched, feet practically melted into position, eyes cast solidly in one direction. Surely their gaze never wavered from the One they adored. Their eyes were fixed securely on His own. Not a single angelic muscle must have twitched, awaiting the Father's promise.

Then those eyes - those penetrating eyes that saw the pain of a leprous man, the eyes that set free a woman at a well, the eyes that saw a "rock" instead of a fumbling disciple - those piercing eyes began to open.
And with the sound of mighty, rushing waters, their wings propelled them straight into the heavens with the dearest cry a pair of spiritual ears would ever hear: He is risen!

his banner over me is love

i have always liked the song "Who I am" by Jessica Andrews.. especially the chorus:

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
A spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless & I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
They know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
That's who I am

I have been thinking about this for awhile.. "who I am", identity, self worth, purpose etc.. and have struggled with self confidence & worth. A dear friend of mine & I talked about this.. wondering about God's timing and purpose in our lives. I find that it is easy to be happy about God's timing & to trust his purpose when we feel like we are following along at the same pace! But when the bumps in the road throw us off.. well it impairs our vision.

That night I sat at my piano and started to sing. I chose a song that I love.. and as I sang it, I realized that it was for this dear friend. I talk to God through the songs at my piano, and I truly believe that He talks to me the same way. Sometimes I choose a song, and then realize that it was exactly what God had been trying to say to me! So I sat there, and cried, and sang, and cried tears for my friend. Not of sadness, but of incredible joy. God was telling me who she was, she was & is... His beloved. that's who I am. that's who YOU are.

I shared it with her, and have sang it many times since then at my piano. I have often played for her.. and we have cried together. Such a gift to cry together over such incredible love & purpose.

Today is Good Friday. GOOD because it was the day that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love. The day he decided to end the need for other physical altars & sacrifices. The day He was beaten, broken, mocked... to show me & you that we ARE his beloved. The hands that made the world, all the animals, every star & every cloud. The hands that wipe my tears & the hands that pray for me. Those hands were pierced & nailed to the cross.. because I am His. His banner over me, is love. Because I am my beloved's & He is mine.

May you be blessed today, and know that YOU are HIS beloved. Also, I would be delighted to sing this song to any of you, when I sing it, I pray that others will know these words to be true for them as well.

Your Beloved : The Tree

Lord it was You, who created the heavens
Lord it was Your hand, that put the stars in their place
Lord it is Your voice, that commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet, O God!

Lord, who am I compared to Your glory?
Lord, who am I compared to Your majesty?
O God..
I'm Your beloved.
Your creation.
And You love me as I am.
You've called me chosen, for Your kingdom.
Unashamed to call me Your own.

I'm Your beloved... I'm Your beloved.. I'm Your beloved.

Christ's indestructible life did not simply allow Him to assume a title of honor. It allowed Him to burst open every believer's grave & shout, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55) *taken from "A Women's Heart: God's dwelling place" by Beth Moore