forever in my heart. always on my mind.

its been 2 years

my sweet little nephew, i wonder what you would be like

i imagine the smell of your skin

the sound of your voice

and your touch

you are on my mind everyday

i think of you whenever i see the wild daisies growing

i think of you whenever i look at your little brother.

he looks so much like you, but he is his own little man.

i think of you when i sing

when i drive

when i go for a walk

you have changed my life

you made me an auntie

losing you broke my heart

and it is slowly coming together

but you will forever hold a piece, and i will never be the same.

i love you so much

and so wish that i could know you.

happy birthday sweet little Jay.

i am spending Jay's birthday at the wedding of one of my dearest friends

i am able to sing in a choir that they are having, a gospel choir

a new experience for me, but i believe it is something God is using to remind me of how much he loves us, and how much he loves Jay

the words in the choir song are taken from the wedding scripture

i think that singing these words aloud on Jay's birthday is God's reminder to me that He is sovereign amidst the grief & despair

christ will deliver us

instead of ashes a crown of gladness

christ will restore us

instead of mourning the oil of joy

christ will renew us

not despair but a garment of praise

christ will rebuild us

and plant us as oaks of righteousness

i miss you so much.

ache

heavy heart

feeling half a world away

contemplating the co-existance

of faith

and grief

of trust

and robbery

of a perfect little boy

taken 2 years ago

and another sweet boy

taken today

heavy heart

tear stained pillows

stillness

ache

and then there were 3

i am so happy to be able to say i'm a proud 'auntie' to another sweet little man! i say "auntie" because it's not a blood relation, but the babe of our best friends, who i plan to love & spoil as much as possible!!

yesterday afternoon, sweet little joel david plett was born! he is ridiculously cute, and is a perfect sized little bundle.

they called us on saturday evening (11pm) to tell us that they were on their way to the hospital. i hardly slept at all because i was so excited. however, i woke up with a heart full of anxiety. it's 2 weeks away from the day we met & said goodbye to Jay. my heart is forever changed, and my outlook on life is too.. i tried to distract myself, but just felt useless. i went to the backyard to pray and journal and read my bible. the song "we fall down... we lay our crowns, at the feet of Jesus.." came on my ipod and i started to sob. i felt paralyzed by fear and anxiety. i have loved this little baby from the minute we were told matt & shauna were pregnant. i've been anticipating his arrival and praying for him often! i asked my sisters & mom's to pray. pray for my dear friend (going through days of labour!) and for my heart to be still. as i was praying i kept hearing over & over again.. that the "fuller" my heart is with Jesus.. the less room there is left over for anxiety. so i continued to pray all day.

and praise be to God.. at 2:12 pm... joel entered the world screaming/crying. amazing.

that evening i stood there, just looking at him & trying to soak him in as much as possible before I go to BC (SO GLAD he came before that!!!!) and thanking God that this couple that we love is now a family of 3.
we cry holy holy holy.. is the Lord

to write.

i used to say i wanted to be a writer because i liked to type

i like watching the letters appear on the screen, and that my fingers know exactly which keys to press.

i like that these letters turn into words, into sentences, into thoughts and ideas.

i like that i can sit down to type and find it relatively easy to express my thoughts.

i've often wondered if those thoughts that play over and over in my head are a "sign" of something that is true, or in this case, should be pursued.

funnily enough, i used to say as a kid that i wanted to be a trucker when i grew up because i liked to burp/fart when i wanted to, and i could eat donuts all day! and.. well lets just say I'm glad that thought didn't get pursued and pan out! :)

i think the idea of being a writer is much the same as the way i now view music therapy. and that would be that.. just because i really like something, doesn't mean it would be the right fit for me. i have not yet at all regretted quitting that degree when i did, nor do i at all regret taking it in the first place.

basically what i've learned, is that i love to sing. i love to make music. i love to interact with the elderly and children with special needs. i love to write, and i love to explore my creativity.. but i do those things best when it's a choice to do them!!

even with this blog, sometimes i can not think of a single thing to write, if the reason behind writing is that i HAVE to write something!

so.. i will not be a 'writer'.. i'll just continue to be me, and write as i will :)

which brings me to right now.. lounging in my back yard, with the sun kissing my skin. my hair is wet from a recent shower, and i can smell my load of laundry running its course downstairs. it has been a good day, relaxing with my man, having lunch with my in laws and helping my parents at the new land. the lawn is freshly cut, and all feels well.

i think i'll finish this beautiful summer day with a big slice (or two) of watermelon that is chilling in my fridge. hope you all enjoyed the sun!

4 years later.

4 years ago today i lost one of the most important people in my life

my grandpa klassen lived a good life, a really good life!

he was honest yet kind

gentle yet strong and hard working

loyal and servant hearted

compassionate yet stood for what he believed in

funny but wise

stern but soft

my grandpa battled with a horrible cancer, and it was horrible to watch his body withering away while his mind was exactly the same. he fought to take bites of food, and i even have a video where he finally had an appetite again, and he wanted me to film it because 'grandma would never believe us if we told her!' in the video he enjoys every bite and smiles the whole way through.

when my grandpa was really sick he was moved to riverview health centre, and i had the privilege of walking over there many afternoon/evenings to talk to him and tell him all about my adventures. it was in those visits that i got to tell my grandpa all about this "boy i fancied" (aka MICHAEL!). my grandpa never formally met michael, but he had this little twinkle in his eye as he listened to me talk about him, and i'm so grateful for the influence my grandpa had in that relationship for me.

4 years ago yesterday i spent the evening with my family, surrounding grandpa and saying our goodbyes. 4 years ago yesterday i stayed in the room with only my grandma and grandpa and sang hymns and worship songs while holding his hand. 4 years ago i wept while singing, and silently thanked Jesus for this time i was able to spend uninterrupted with my grandpa. 4 years ago i told him that i would miss him, but that i loved him more than i could explain.

4 years ago today while the fireworks from canada day were exploding outside my grandpa slipped out of this world into one that was cancer free. i think it was a sign of God celebrating the entrance of my grandpa into his heavenly kingdom.

4 years later i still think about the sound of his voice, the strength of his hands and his kind heart. i still think about phoning their house and hearing him answer. i still think about the times i walked to their place and chatted at the island while he made 'german pancakes' for us to share. i still think about watching him and grandma working side by side in the back yard or in the garden. i still remember his smell, the twinkle in his eyes and the security in his hugs. 4 years later i still miss him as much as the day he left.

loss is never easy, nor do i think it can ever be explained away or brushed over. 4 years later, crying tears of missing him is just another way that affirms how much he means to me.