he sees each tear that falls, and hears me when i call

*disclaimer... this will be a long one!*

so i decided to stay home and have my own "church" today. some days the idea of sitting there makes me feel claustrophobic... like part of a huge crowd. and other times, it's exactly where i want and need to be.

our caregroup was over last night. God i am SO thankful for your answer to those prayers and for this support group. we feel so blessed.

this morning i decided to start by singing some worship at my piano. first i sang one of the songs that i feel is such a good reassurance for me (quoted in my previous post). and as i sang i thought, God's mercy is wider than the sea. THE SEA! God's love and mercy is larger, wider, heavier, tastier, than my little mind could ever comprehend.

then i just decided to flip through my book. i went to open toward the front, and without thinking grabbed a chunk from the back and flipped to a song that i have no doubt God was giving to me this morning as a gift.

the song hit me exactly how i needed today.

i have been longing to feel God again. Since Jay died I've learned new ways to relate to God. There have been times where i've been so angry at him, saying You were mighty to save, but you DIDN'T. you didn't. if you loved me...

if
you
loved
me

there have been times where i start to cry and my heart beats so fast that i feel like people could probably see it coming out my chest. where my breathing is so intense, quick and shallow. where my eyes literally feel like floodgates being opened and where my whole body aches and groans, and i have absolutely no words. and the Spirit groans with me.

times when i've cried out to Him more honest and genuine than i knew i could. asking for rescue.

there have been times when i look at my family and question why God chose us for these experiences.

there are times when i am so encouraged. when i have discussions with my family of God saying He blesses those who mourn, those who realize their need for him (matthew chapter 5)

there are times when i feel like my heart stops as i mourn and grieve what was taken away from us. and realize hos much love i have in my heart that i don't know what to do with because the one i was saving it for isn't here to receive it

there are times when i think i forget how to pray because i feel so disconnected, and i am carried by people around me.

times when i understand a tiny bit more what a sacrifice God made by giving us Jesus.

times when i physically feel Christ beside me, weeping.

times where i'm in awe of God

times where i say how long till you show yourself?

and i've realized... God can handle it all. he really can.

and this morning i felt loved. i've been keeping God at a distance, because sometimes its just easier to hide and pretend.

Christ exposes me. not for harm. but for comfort.

Jesus Jesus how i trust thee... how i've proved you over and over. Jesus Jesus, precious Jesus. oh for strength to trust You more.

No matter what stage i'm at (and the stages change day to day, even hour to hour sometimes) He will never leave.

He's been feeling far, but this morning He took time for me, just for me. and He reminded me what I am... I'm HIS beloved.

the song starts by talking about the majesty of God. the stars, the morning, the oceans and waves bow at His command. compared to that glory, who am I?

and then God told me, and he knocked down one of my defenses, making me sing it and begin to reclaim it:

i'm your beloved. your creation.
and you love me, as i am.

you've called me chosen for your kingdom.
unashamed to call me your own.

i'm your beloved.