he took my sins and my sorrows, he made them his very own

so i feel a little out of it, because I haven't blogged in so long...
it was so good to get away and be in Cuba, and now this week i'm trying to get back into the swing of working full time (this is still very new for me!), and now i'm on my own... no more training!

anyway... i thought i would write a bit before going to sleep

and here is what i'm thinking:

today i took some time to watch the slideshow of pictures of our precious Jay that Jeremy made for us. it is such a gift to have that. i looked it up online, and had no sound on my computer, so i hummed the song in my head and just watched the pictures. it felt really fresh all over again, looking at his little hands, his little feet, his cute little nose... he was just so perfect, and so ready to be a part, a very living, active life giving part of our family.

and then i was thinking how much it hurts to have something just taken away from us. kind of like having a swift kick to your stomach, where the air feels like it is forced out of you so quickly you fall over from the shock of it.

and then i was thinking where does Jesus fit into all of this. Theresa spoke on Lazarus this past Sunday at church, and how when people are grieving we say "if you loved me... this wouldn't have happened", that that is so often how it feels. it feels like that swift kick hit so hard, and Jesus was there watching, he could've stopped it... but didn't.

she also talked about Martha, and how it was amazing that in her grief, of losing her brother and KNOWING that Jesus, her personal, dear friend just chose not to prevent it, that in all that she still said Jesus, you are sovereign. You are who you say you are, and you are good.

I was singing at my piano tonight (felt like it had been too long since the last time i'd played) and i was singing the song "you alone" by david crowder.

you alone are Father
and you alone are good.
you alone are Saviour
and you alone are God.

and i realized, that I have been mad at God, I have been asking him WHERE ARE YOU, but I have not, not even once, doubted if God was God, or if he was sovereign. No, instead i've been learning a deeper part of Jesus. in all truthfulness i've built up a pretty "secure" wall around my heart, and at times (too often) even keeping Jesus away from it. keeping it to myself seems to allow me to feel however i feel and not question it. but i'm realizing that it's not allowing me to push forward.

at the same time, in some ways, Jesus has never been closer. and the thing is... i'm not saying that I don't love Jesus or doubt him, but i'm just feeling like i don't know what i'm doing, because i've never had to walk down this path of grief before. but i've been more honest with him, more direct, and sometimes i just feel like he's letting me rest. maybe he's inside my wall more than i realize, and for that i am thankful. he is allowing me to rest and is slowly breaking down that wall.

i've been staying connected to him through worship. i feel like he shows me songs to sing that allow him to speak very directly to me, at just the right time. i weep a lot at my piano, sob even. and it's just me and Jesus there.

tonight i was singing "he took my sins and my sorrows, he made them his very own; he cried no tears for his own grief, but sweat drops of blood for mine" Jesus knew about Jay when he was in the garden. before Jesus died on the cross he knew about me, he knew about josh and leah, my mom and dad, michael and i.. he knew about Jay. he knew what he would look like, Jesus knew exactly how he would form Jay, right down to his little toes. he knew that our hearts would break that day, and in the garden he weeped for us. his sorrow was my sorrow. the love in his heart was for me, for all of us. he bore my sorrow out of love.

how marvelous. how wonderful
and my song, shall ever be:
how marvelous, how wonderful
is my Saviour's love for me.