love ever after

i found the link to these photographs by Lauren Fleishman on the 22words blog
there are 10 photos in a collection called "love ever after" which includes photos of people married for 50+ years and quotes from them as well. i found myself wishing there were more than 10!

love is a gift
and it's so heart warming when it is so obviously appreciated!

"i am not thinking everyday, oh my husband is 83 years old and my goodness I am married to an old man! and I hope he feels that way too"

"another cadet with high boots had approached her but she didn't like high boots and so she said no to him. i was the second one to approach her, i had a different uniform, but i'm still not sure if it was my uniform or my face that attracted her to me!"

 "you know he was very nice looking! in august of this year we will be married 63 years. i would say love came little by little. not right away. we were young and he was older but i liked him."

"i wonder what life would be like if he wasn't here. i don't worry so much about me not being here. i tease him all the time. i say, if i'm not here you better find someone to take care of you!"

"at 2 o'clock we watch the news. i like to read books and he reads the newspaper. what is the secret to love? a secret is a secret and i don't reveal my secrets!"

hope & spring

i haven't written much lately
i try to be careful not to write much when i'm processing
because i find that if i write when i'm too passionate about something, or too frustrated, or even too apathetic.. it doesn't do anyone any good. and it can make me look pretty crazy. so i save that type of writing for the insides of my journal. a place to process in safety.

i have been feeling overwhelmed lately. by emotions, life situations, cat hair & general life messiness. BUT i have been feeling revitalized by spring.

there will always be part of life that is messier than other parts. i've never met anyone with a perfect life (sorry to any of you that thought you were fooling me!)

i watched the movie "soul surfer" the other day with my sister phoebe & we both basically cried our way through it. it was a beautiful story of hope, perseverance, faith, family & choosing to embrace life no matter what is thrown at you. it is based on the true story of the pro-surfer, Beth Hamilton. when she was a teenager she was attacked by a 14 foot tiger shark while surfing. the shark bit off her entire left arm basically at the shoulder. she goes on to continue pursuing surfing and keeping her faith in God. it is amazing & inspiring.

at one point in the movie, sarah, beth's youth leader, is teaching a sunday school lesson about how hard it can be to have a full perspective of something when you are too close. it can be hard to see outside of our situation, circumstance or even emotion when we are too close. sometimes we need to step back, gain another perspective & just allow space to see what we should do next, or what is the best way to move forward. i often feel that that is true for me. and i have been feeling like i need to take some time & space to figure some things out. life is hard! but we have hope.

spring. refreshing. life giving. new.
but still dirty & messy.
slushy & a lot of work.
but within all of that mess - the world turns back to green.
plants push up from the ground
and life is fragrant.
hope!

the day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring.

-bern williams

ellsworth

everyday i read the obituaries on the winnipeg free press site.
i skim for names that i recognize from the carehome, or names that are similar to people i have gone to school with etc. i read the obituaries of individuals that died very young. i love to read obituaries because they are normally written with such love & appreciation for that person. it's neat to read the things that made that person unique.

i have been thinking about the seniors at the carehome a lot lately. aging is scary. it's scary to lose your sanity, or to at all lose who you are. i am very thankful that none of my grandparents went thru alzheimers, although I did get to experience that a bit through michael's mom's dad - and i know how hard that still is for my mom-in-law today. it's hard to lose the person you know, especially if they are still physically here.

there is this beautiful song, sung by rascal flatts. it's called ellsworth, and it is very similar to what i've been thinking about. it's what makes stories like the notebook so wonderful & endearing. it's amazing to know that often when the mind starts to go, the heart doesn't.

Ellsworth

Grandma burned the biscuits

Nearly took the house down with it.

Now she's in assisted livin'

We all knew that day would come.

We knew she was to gone to drive

The day she parked on I-65.

Found her on the shoulder cryin'

She didn't know where she was.

Its like her mind just quit.

Oh but bring up grandpa- its like someone flipped a switch.

A front porch light and a blue Desota,

Couple a straws and a coca cola:

You can see it all goin' down.

A handsome boy in army green

A tear on his face- down on a knee,

Shaky voice- a diamond ring should put you in that town.

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today,

But just ask her about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948.

She takes out his medals,

A cigar box of letters.

Sits and scatters pictures,

Black and whites of days gone by.

We started losin' her when she lost him,

But to hear her carry on you'd swear she's seventeen again

Football games and leaves a'cracklin'

Walkin' her home in his letter jacket,

You can see it all goin' down.

A perfect night on a front porch glider,

Saying goodnight for the next 3 hours.

Her tired eyes glow wild and bright

When she talks about that town.

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today,

But just ask her about Ellsworth, Kansas 1948.

While the world is fading all around her

Sharin' a sundae at the counter

He's goin' on and on about her

But she's right there right now

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today

But just ask her about Ellsworth, Kansas 1948 

white star line - Catherine Rizk & Johannes Van de Velde

last night michael & i went to the titanic exhibit at the MTS exhibition hall. i have wanted to go since it opened, and so we finally got around to going. turns out we went on the "anniversary" week. i warned michael that i would likely take a really long time looking around because i wanted to read each description & look over each photograph & artifact. something about the titanic fascinates me in such a incredible & sad way.

i love going on trips & i love cruises. it's amazing to me how grand they can make boats, and that they stay perfectly afloat & upright. i think the titanic fascinates me because it was so grand & ornate. they have a suite set up like one of the bedrooms in a first class suite. some people got suites with 4 or 5 rooms and the cost for that was equal to 10 years wages (for the average person) or around $100,000 today. every little detail was thought of when it came to the decorating. and the experience. it would have been so grand.

it also struck me how much of a contrast there is between the classes. the 3rd class passengers stayed in rooms with 6 or 8 people in bunk beds. and there were only 2 bathtubs for all of the 3rd class passengers (over 700) to share (whereas the first class passengers all had their own tubs). the 3rd class passengers on the titanic were treated better than 2nd class passengers on other ships, so no one was really complaining! they had to pay approx the equivalent of $900 today to be a 3rd class passenger.

1st class passengers had so many extras. reading rooms. smoking rooms. promenades. the grand stair case. the 3rd class passengers weren't even allowed on the upper decks! how interesting.

it struck me with sadness when we were walking through the exhibit on the way to the actual sinking portion.. on the black walls there are warnings written in stark white. warnings - multiple warnings - of huge ice bergs & being surrounded by ice. warnings to slow down & to be careful. it struck me how our own pride so often brings us to catastrophe. they wanted to make headlines. titanic was "unsinkable" - so they went on. one of the quotes on the wall is from the designer of the titanic. who wasn't going to originally go on the voyage, but his partner was ill so he stepped in. when the iceberg hit, they went to him for reassurance. and he had to swallow his pride & say that there was no discussion needed. titanic would be under the ocean in a few hours.

so many people. so much chaos. so much shock. so little space for passengers. so much loss.

in the exhibit they have an "iceberg" and its the one thing in the exhibit that you are invited to touch. putting your hand on the ice for even 10 seconds started to give me an idea of how awful this was. it was so cold. afterwards, my hand burned where the ice had been. on the way home michael was saying "imagine that ice being everywhere, and the wind that is blowing around picks up all that cold & just surrounds you with it" it makes me so sad to imagine the fear that people experienced as they tried to tread water & survive.

such a grand ship ending in such a grand disaster.

when you enter the exhibit you are giving a boarding pass. on the back you have information about a passenger, and you are invited to be that passenger as you walk through the exhibit and try to imagine it all from their perspective. at the end of the exhibit you can find your name on the list, as either a survivor, or as one of the many that was lost. michael & i were both 3rd class passengers.

he was mr. johannes joseph van de velde, age 36, travelling alone. he was an out of work weaver, convinced by an official at his local White Star Line office that he should travel to the united states on titanic, where he could find good paying farm labor.  He had been to the United States three times before. He most likely convinced many of the other 15 Belgian third-class passengers to travel with him on titanic. he was one of the many that died with titanic.

i was mrs. peter joseph (Catherine Rizk), age 24, travelling with my 2 children, michael (6 years old) and anna (2 years old). her husband sent her & the children back to Lebanon in order to save money. by april, however, peter sent for them to return. She suffered from tuberculosis, she may have also traveled to Lebanon to be in a healthier climate. she was one of the few survivors. (there is no mention of the kids names, on either list, so i assumed they were saved with their mom).

it was incredible to see the many things they have recovered. and to journey through this, trying to imagine it from someone else's perspective. i encourage you to go see it. it's well worth it.

don't ask about the pose. the lady told us we had to do a "silly pose" not really what i would do if i was on the grand staircase of the titanic!

are they ever attractive?

i'm afraid something may be wrong with me..

i'm online shopping (i know i know, i shouldn't be BUT i sold 2 old cell phones on kijiji & i got a gift certificate to oldnavy from Jo - thanks jo! - so i figure i can do a bit...) and i'm strangely attracted to ROMPERS.

i mean, ev looks awesome in a romper. but i don't think that they necessarily translate well onto the adult figure... yet i am strangely attracted to them. it would make getting dressed in the morning a much quicker process.. "what tops go with these shorts?" problem solved with the onesie romper.

i will refrain. based on the fact that it's still $25 bucks and I'm pretty sure I would look ridiculous. however, if you see me in a romper this summer, don't judge me. but maybe steal it from my closet, burn it, and get me a coffee & a nap & a slap of common sense? gracias mi amigas.

why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

a new day
a fresh start
a crisp morning
an email from a friend
country music on an ipod
horror stories in the newspapers

a mixture of accepting & expecting

living in but not of

it's a strange world that we live in
when we really stop to think about it

the other day a woman from my home church shared about her life
her journey with jesus
and i think she is incredible
born into hardships & many others added to her life as she lives it
but she said this
you can choose to be miserable
or you can choose not to be!
i love that.

i also love this passage of scripture (psalm 42) in the message. today i will choose to not be miserable. to fix my eyes on God. he puts a smile on my face. he's my God.

^1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek; 

   I want to drink God, 

      deep draughts of God. 

   I'm thirsty for God-alive. 

   I wonder, "Will I ever make it— 

      arrive and drink in God's presence?" 

   I'm on a diet of tears— 

      tears for breakfast, tears for supper. 

   All day long 

      people knock at my door, 

   Pestering, 

      "Where is this God of yours?" 

 ⁴ These are the things I go over and over, 

      emptying out the pockets of my life. 

   I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, 

      right out in front, 

   Leading them all, 

      eager to arrive and worship, 

   Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving— 

      celebrating, all of us, God's feast! 

 ⁵ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 

      Why are you crying the blues? 

   Fix my eyes on God— 

      soon I'll be praising again. 

   He puts a smile on my face. 

      He's my God. 

 ^6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse 

      everything I know of you, 

   From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, 

      including Mount Mizar. 

   Chaos calls to chaos, 

      to the tune of whitewater rapids. 

   Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers 

      crash and crush me. 

   Then God promises to love me all day, 

      sing songs all through the night! 

      My life is God's prayer. 

 ^9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, 

      "Why did you let me down? 

   Why am I walking around in tears, 

      harassed by enemies?" 

   They're out for the kill, these 

      tormentors with their obscenities, 

   Taunting day after day, 

      "Where is this God of yours?" 

 ¹¹ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 

      Why are you crying the blues? 

   Fix my eyes on God— 

      soon I'll be praising again. 

   He puts a smile on my face. 

      He's my God.

and i will enjoy this cup of chocolate chai tea. in this fabulous new mug. both gifts from audrey :)

the twenty third psalm

i have been feeling down & overwhelmed the last few days. i mean, there have been many good things (including a lovely visit from my friend audrey this morning - and she was bearing gifts! never under estimate the power of a random gift! xo) but in general i have been feeling down.

i think it is due to a number of different factors. feeling better & taking on too much too soon. being asked to support others that need supporting.. when i already feel like i'm not even on my own 2 feet yet. working at organizing our home. not spending enough time in my bible & talking with God about things. figuring myself out. and also, most definitely, forgetting to refill my anti-depressants prescription. as i write this, i'm feeling dizzy & quite ill! i should definitely put myself on the automatic renewal program or try to stay on top of things better. i will be picking up my new prescription on my way home & then taking a short nap.

when i'm feeling down & worn out, the tears come easily. sad tears, happy tears, no reason tears. they just come & i think that's ok. i cry at commercials, at news articles, random obituaries, scripture verses, song lyrics, interactions with strangers. you name it, i cry for it.

last night was my last beth moore bible study for this specific study. i'm not actually done the homework, which is kind of nice because then i can extend the study in my own way. but so many of the things beth said last night brought me to tears. she focused mainly on the 23rd psalm. grandma's favorite.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod & your staff protect & comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

Beth pointed out a few things about this Psalm that I didn't know, or didn't really ever think about & each one stirred my soul.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley...

the word used for darkest valley literally means the darkest of all darkness.
the most shadowiest of shadows.
the most painful of all pain.
the most depressed of all depression.

not just death. not just darkness. but ULTIMATE darkness. not just depression, but the most depressed of all depression.

surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me...

that word pursue is used to describe the way that an enemy chases unrelentlessly - that no matter where we go, no matter how much darkness & the enemy pursues us.. goodness & mercy & unfailing love... they run faster. they keep up forever. they are always one step ahead. always.

beth talked about the enemy & his efforts against us. she said that he knows his time is short & so he is at war. he envelopes us in his darkness. in doubts & fears. in a web of lies. he does cartwheels around us to distract us from all that is good. his time is short. he wastes none of it. but God - he prepares a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. each time we choose to sit in the presence of Jesus, to pull our chair up to that feast. each time he pours oil over our heads & fills us to overflowing, each time we choose HIM - our enemy is forced to watch.

the ultimate slap in the face to the one who works every second of the day to bring me down.

Jesus - his name is like honey to my lips
his spirit is like water to my soul

restoration. that my enemy is forced to watch. victory. mercy & goodness chasing after me. running ahead with me. helping me keep up & leaving the enemy in the dust.

the one good thing about being down.. if you can call it "good" - i mean, i don't think anything is good about being down. but the best part.. is feeling again, feeling my cup be filled till overflowing. feeling the oil pour over my head. feeling restoration. feeling victory over the enemy, even with little baby steps at a time. restoration is a process. one that i'm realizing often repeats itself in my life because the enemy wastes no time trying to attack again & again. i find it lifegiving to throw it back in his face though. to choose Jesus, and to return again to the table he's prepared for me, and to force the enemy to watch.

burkina to winnipeg

today i was thinking about so many of the good things God has done for me, or given to me. listing many of the numerous reasons that He is good

and i came upon one of my favorites.

i prayed for a wonderful guy. and God sent one from approx 5833 miles away to find me. i'm a lucky girl!

thirty flirty & thriving

one of my bestests had a birthday yesterday
shaun-shaun-shananigans turned the big 3-0
although she doesn't look a day over 25 :)

i love shauna
i love that we are very similar. i love that we share a love for jesus, for cookies, for tv shows, for flipflops, poofy vests, neon pink, for talking on the phone & that we have the same stubborn side. it's the recipe for a wonderful friendship.
it is also a total bonus that our hubbys are such good friends

shauna & i became friends somewhat randomly
she was working at the skatepark at mcivor church, and i was always there with my friends. i think we were working in the canteen together one evening, and we had been chatting. then josh told me that we were leaving to go to the lake that night, and that he was bringing one of his friends out (jer i think). i didn't want to be on my own so i said to shauna "why don't you come?" and she did! we had a weekend at the lake, chatting, swimming, water skiing and relaxing, and we've been friends ever since.

we were even roommates/housemates for awhile when i lived with her family and we shared the basement. this time was filled with many hours of board games, gilmore girls, eating sugar cookies from the freezer, skipping soccer games, talking & laughing. it was a fun part of my life.

i was privileged to stand up for her as a bridesmaid when she married matt, and she paid me the same honor standing for me when i married mike!

now shauna is the mom to a little boy that i just love
sweet little joel, with his cute button eyes & perfect little lips! with a gummy smile that is infectious. my friends make cute kids!

so happy birthday shauns. i love you SO MUCH. and i'm so thankful for you. here's to the next 30.

i made this cake for us to have at our worship practice last night

made out of approx 60 mini cupcakes mmmm

too much kleenex & not enough kleenex?

i have been cleaning out closets in my house
i've only lived there for 3 years (more like 2 1/2 actually) and i have already accumulated so much junk. sometimes i joke that if we weren't careful, michael & i would be hoarders!!

we have begun the much needed & much anticipated, renovating of our basement. my friends son, Marcus was over at our house the other day, and went with michael to get something from the basement.. looked around and said "what are you DOING down here?!?" isn't always that before you can "fix" something, or organize something, or improve something, you first have to make it look even worse?

as we renovate, and as i go through my "stuff" i am thinking more and more about living simply. i do not claim to be "there" or to be one that always pursues the simple life. i'm pretty sure that my 1 year old car sitting on my driveway, and my closet full of way too many clothes screams the fact that it's a struggle for me. and i am getting there. i don't think that we need to deny ourselves everything, but i do think that the importance behind "living simply" is in our mindset & our hearts.

when my grandma passed away in october we spent time going through the stuff that she had in her condo. some things had significance to certain people, and other stuff to others. i am thankful for the things of hers that i own, and i do think of her all the time when i see them. but my grandma was not stuff. she was a faithful caregiver. a prayer warrior. a gentle quiet presence. a hard worker. so when do i think of grandma? when i experience grace. when i serve others. when i care for my family.

living simply to me means focusing on LIVING. not on filing my house with the latest and greatest. not with superficial friendships & relationships. it means taking more time to just be. to sit & rest. to enjoy being with michael, with my family, with my friends. to spend more time writing letters & cards then online shopping. to spend more time praying than gossiping (sometimes it hurts me to realize how much time i've wasted talking negatively about others! how frustrating..) to enjoy what i have.

funny how living simply can seem so.. un-simple! but if we really think about it.. it's actually SIMPLY fantastic.

i was amazed as i cleaned out some closets last week to discover in all my junk collecting.. i had multiple stacks of kleenex. too much kleenex. kleenex is useful though, i said to myself as i put my stock pile into my "toiletries" section of my organizing. "it's always good to have a pack". but wouldn't you know it, as i sit here typing.. with my nose stuffy & also randomly running with a sinus type cold.. there isn't a kleenex to be found. sometimes i'm too organized for my own good :)