moving toward freedom

what do you picture when you imagine going to a counsellor?

i have some past experiences with counselling - michael & i had pre-marital counselling with a wonderful couple. they would always make a delicious snack & the four of us would sit on couches, sipping coffee, we would ask questions or express concerns or things we were unsure about, and we always left feeling more confident than when we first got there.

in university i took a few counselling courses - one class in particular - we were sectioned off into groups of 3 - we signed confidentiality agreements, and then we would spend the 3 hours of class time being counsellors to one another. when we would get stuck, our prof (a counsellor) would step in and offer suggestions.

i think that when i first encountered this new grief - with losing my first nephew, Jay - i talked myself out of needing to see a counsellor because I "knew what they would say" - which isn't a negative thing, but rather, I thought that I could walk myself through all of that.

when i was in my university class, sometimes it felt like I had to really try to "come up" with something to share, for my classmates to 'counsel' me on - however, after the first 15 minutes, they would have uncovered a thought, or insecurity, or undealt with issue that I hadn't even been prepared to talk about! how interesting - that often when you go to deal with point A you discover that you also have point B, point C... etc!

i have officially made my first appointment to see the counsellor - and i am a

mixture of excited & fearful. excited because i am tired of living in this fog where I cry over commercials or become angry with michael over something that is not at all his fault. i am tired of ignoring my grief, and not sleeping because i feel weighed down. i am excited to take the first step towards healing. however, I am fearful. am i ready to actually face this grief that has changed my life? am i ready to face every issue/item/emotion etc that come

s up as a result? am i strong enough? am i prepared to make serious changes?

oddly enough - there is some strange comfort in sadness. in having an excuse for how you feel, or having people understand why you are not yourself. however - i am realizing it

is something that can be romanticized to keep you stuck - and that the deeper you get into it, the more you forget about freedom. grief has been an underlining theme over the past 2 1/2 years of my life - and its odd to think that i'm scared to re-learn how to be me, strange that fear can make me want to cling to the very thing that is debilitating me.

monday 10am. the first step towards a new, freer me.

standing or stumbling

honesty, insight & iced coffee

i named my blog with that title because those are 3 things that i really appreciate.

i love when people are honest with me. and i love when people take the time to hear my honesty.

i love sharing my insight on different things, and hearing other peoples input, opinions & thoughts.

and i love coffee! especially iced.. mmmm although, on this snowy christmas eve morning, my coffee is HOT! :)

this week i have learned about honesty on a new level.

after reading a friends blog about where she is at in life right now, with all it's struggles, i realized that i was really resonating with her words. i so appreciated the honesty that she wrote with, and it really helped me see how i've been struggling, and how freeing it is, to put your struggles into words.

i think that i have been walking through a very deep grief, with stress and depression thrown into the mix. every monday, the week looks longer than i can handle, and my health, my home and my sanity are all taking the hit because of it!

on monday night i was able to sit with my family, first my brother&sister and then my parents, and was able to share thoughts and have them pray over me/us and with me/us. i am SO thankful that we never walk through life alone.

i have so much more to share about this, but i think it will just come out in snip-its. i am going to soak up the next couple of days, celebrating christmas with my family, relaxing, laughing, dwelling in Jesus, and moving ahead a step at a time.

once again, jon bullers music has been a gift to my soul. last year my mom gave me his cd 'broken drum' that (i believe) he wrote a lot of while walking through a depression. there is always such hope in his music, with Jesus ever present. lately this song "falling" has been playing on repeat, and the lyrics help put some of my emotions into words.

in the terrible thunder, in the shaking of earth and sky

shadows in the valley, in the meeting of You and I

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling, I know You're healing me

the melting of springtime feeds the stream that I'm planted by

the wind whispers gently, to live you must learn to die

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling, I know You are healing me

hear my cry for help I'm falling

my king and my God hold my heart, I'm falling

my need is greater than its ever been

in the midst of the morning, in the shade of the evening sun

in the colours of autumn, a new season has begun

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling, I know you are healing me

hear my cry for help, I'm falling

My king and my God, hold my heart I'm falling

Hear my cry for help I'm falling

and here all around me, and within my broken heart

standing or stumbling

I know You're healing me

share

i really like all of the decor at starbucks this year. i like the ideas of sharing stories and that our stories are gifts! share your stories this christmas. with friends, with family, with coworkers, with strangers.. share!

fly on the wall, dabbling in nail painting

i think i'm a snoop by nature
i love people watching
i love overhearing random conversations
i don't actually care (normally) about the content of the conversation, but I love watching how people interact
i love seeing who is driving in the cars beside me, so much so that sometimes people think i'm rudely staring at them
i love reading memoirs of peoples lives & thoughts
i love reading old letters
as a kid i used to read my brothers journal whenever i could sneak into his room
i loved knowing what he was thinking (older cooler brothers don't normally share all of their secrets and thoughts with their younger pesky sisters!)
there are times when i would love to be a fly on the wall to many conversations

when i was younger this got me into some trouble. because see.. i have a snoopy side, but i also do not deal well with guilt! so if you are reading this wondering if i've ever snooped on something of yours.. stop worrying. i would have already admitted it to you by now! so i have tried to get out all my snoopiness just by people watching.

last night i was painting nails at the PCH that i work at. its one of my favorite things that i do at my job because i get to spend 1-1 time with residents, and they always feel prettier or 'better' or more positive afterward. they always spend a lot of time thanking me, and apologizing for not 'paying' me. (i tell them i only accept payment in the forms of smiles, hugs and thank you's - which often results in me getting all 3!) anyway, last night i was painting nails in the dining room & 2 gentlemen were sitting at the same table as us, i will call them D & J.

J is new to our facility. A very kind & gentle man, but very confused. D is one of my favorite men, very helpful and very entertaining! also very confused. I don't know if you have ever witnessed a conversation between 2 people with alzheimers, but it's like they can understand one another in some strange way. even if what they are saying doesn't actually make any sense, it does to them! so here sat D & J, like old pals. each with a mug of hot chocolate and a cinnamon swirl, chatting. the conversation went something like this
J: So, where are you working these days?
D: Oh, you know.
J: Ah yes, yes.
D: You?
J: The same.
D: That's great.
J: Do you work a lot?
D: Ya, here and there.
J: What kind of hours?
D: You know, as they need me!
*insert hearty chuckle from both men here*
J: So, what do you think you'll get up to tomorrow?
D: A little of this, a little of that.
J: Sounds great. Hey, what are those ladies doing there?
(pointing at me painting a lady's nails)
D: Working with the hands. But.. *now he is speaking in hushed tones* if anyone ever sees it, they paint RIGHT OVER IT!
*insert more hearty chuckling*
J: Ahhhh, I know nothing about that kind of thing.
D: Oh no? I do.
J: Really?
D: Yup, I dabble in it once & a while!

It actually made my day. A conversation where nothing made sense in reality, but it did not matter. They were chatting & visiting like old friends, and who cares if it didn't actually "make sense".. it did to them! And with D dabbling in nail painting once & a while.. who knows.. maybe I'll have someone else that wants his nails painted next time :)

needing a break - and what i know forsure

how does anyone ever know 100% what they want to do in life?

i really love both of my jobs right now, but i would not recommend working 2 jobs to anyone!

even though i love the work at both places, i just really want a break! feeling like i'm constantly running makes me feel like maybe i don't actually enjoy the work! but then i go to the job, and i really truly love the work. i don't think the job is actually the problem.. maybe just exhaustion??

when i was in the last year and a half of my music therapy degree, i knew with 99% of my being that it wasn't actually the right thing for me. how did I not see that from the beginning? because of that experience, it makes me nervous about investing time, money and energy into the next degree/diploma or whatever. i don't want to be one of those people that changes their mind every few years about what they want to do!

here is what i know forsure:

• i love being a wife. if we could afford it, i would love to be a homemaker, and spend my time volunteering at things that I love rather than working.
• eventually i want to be a mom and spend the majority of my time just pouring into my children
• i love the idea of improving quality of life. that is what i LOVE about therapeutic recreation, and that is what i loved about music therapy. it's what i love about any program or relationship or activity that encourages and builds people up.
• i love building relationships, and being a friend to people who need it. i have some ladies at the personal care home that could go a whole week without a hug, so even if I just offer a hug a few times a week.. that relationship is important!
• i would love to work at mom's retreat house in the future. whether that be by baking or cooking, cleaning, esthetics (i still think about pursuing that!) or something else.. i would love that.

so i know some things forsure.. that's gotta be a good start.. right?