he sees each tear that falls, and hears me when i call

*disclaimer... this will be a long one!*

so i decided to stay home and have my own "church" today. some days the idea of sitting there makes me feel claustrophobic... like part of a huge crowd. and other times, it's exactly where i want and need to be.

our caregroup was over last night. God i am SO thankful for your answer to those prayers and for this support group. we feel so blessed.

this morning i decided to start by singing some worship at my piano. first i sang one of the songs that i feel is such a good reassurance for me (quoted in my previous post). and as i sang i thought, God's mercy is wider than the sea. THE SEA! God's love and mercy is larger, wider, heavier, tastier, than my little mind could ever comprehend.

then i just decided to flip through my book. i went to open toward the front, and without thinking grabbed a chunk from the back and flipped to a song that i have no doubt God was giving to me this morning as a gift.

the song hit me exactly how i needed today.

i have been longing to feel God again. Since Jay died I've learned new ways to relate to God. There have been times where i've been so angry at him, saying You were mighty to save, but you DIDN'T. you didn't. if you loved me...

if
you
loved
me

there have been times where i start to cry and my heart beats so fast that i feel like people could probably see it coming out my chest. where my breathing is so intense, quick and shallow. where my eyes literally feel like floodgates being opened and where my whole body aches and groans, and i have absolutely no words. and the Spirit groans with me.

times when i've cried out to Him more honest and genuine than i knew i could. asking for rescue.

there have been times when i look at my family and question why God chose us for these experiences.

there are times when i am so encouraged. when i have discussions with my family of God saying He blesses those who mourn, those who realize their need for him (matthew chapter 5)

there are times when i feel like my heart stops as i mourn and grieve what was taken away from us. and realize hos much love i have in my heart that i don't know what to do with because the one i was saving it for isn't here to receive it

there are times when i think i forget how to pray because i feel so disconnected, and i am carried by people around me.

times when i understand a tiny bit more what a sacrifice God made by giving us Jesus.

times when i physically feel Christ beside me, weeping.

times where i'm in awe of God

times where i say how long till you show yourself?

and i've realized... God can handle it all. he really can.

and this morning i felt loved. i've been keeping God at a distance, because sometimes its just easier to hide and pretend.

Christ exposes me. not for harm. but for comfort.

Jesus Jesus how i trust thee... how i've proved you over and over. Jesus Jesus, precious Jesus. oh for strength to trust You more.

No matter what stage i'm at (and the stages change day to day, even hour to hour sometimes) He will never leave.

He's been feeling far, but this morning He took time for me, just for me. and He reminded me what I am... I'm HIS beloved.

the song starts by talking about the majesty of God. the stars, the morning, the oceans and waves bow at His command. compared to that glory, who am I?

and then God told me, and he knocked down one of my defenses, making me sing it and begin to reclaim it:

i'm your beloved. your creation.
and you love me, as i am.

you've called me chosen for your kingdom.
unashamed to call me your own.

i'm your beloved.

theres a wideness in God's mercy, like the wideness of the sea

for the love of God is broader

than the measures of the mind

and the heart of the eternal

is most wonderfully kind

first day!

so i started my new job today... and it was good!

i didn't really sleep well last night, which is partially the cause for a really terrible headache i'm experiencing right now (the other part is maybe the fact that i had a big hot mug of coffee in the afternoon and then no water; not smart!)

i was having one of those nights where your brain feels like it doesn't shut off... like its playing through tons and tons of thoughts and scenarios. at three in the morning i almost shouted out loud: GOD, MAKE MY BRAIN SETTLE DOWN!!!!! (but then realized i would wake my husband, who was very comfortably sleeping). so instead i just said it in my mind as a silent plea/prayer! but alas, when my alarm went off at 6:30 i felt like i had just laid down so my mind wasn't sleeping!

as a postive note, the endless thoughts were pretty funny. last night Shauna and I watched the Bachelor (which i have a love/hate relationship with), and he made the worst decision of the show, kicking off Jillian. so when i fell asleep my mind was making up different scenarios that could happen to the bachelor with different contestants! yikes

but anyway, my new job started today, and that was really good. there are tons of people to get to know, but everyone is really friendly. also i know a good handful of people, so that helps! My cubicle is across from my aunts, and we have a little window between us so we can wave at one another. :)

in the morning i found a little package on my desk, a cute little pink flower/plant from my mother in law. then at coffee break they had cinnamon buns for everyone, and then they gave me my office mug. they found a wonderful and cute pink one, with pink tissue to decorate. and then in the afternoon i was called to the front desk to get a delivery for me... a big balloon bouquet from my parents, with a pile of jellybeans to weight it down. i felt loved and supported!

the rest of the day kinda flew by, afterwork i was killing time waiting for michael, and had a nice conversation with my sister Leah, i just love talking with her and catching up. that is one relationship i do not take for granted. then i walked to mountain bean, where my feet froze on the way (ALWAYS WEAR SOCKS!) and i found the warmest spot by the fire, and warmed up! then before i knew it the most wonderful man showed up to take me home. we decided to stay in tonight because i'm tired, so now we are going to watch dumb and dumber (michael has never seen it!), snuggle up and relax.

today has been good. tomorrow will be loooooooooooooong. but i get to see my mom, and we can exchange looks during our final WEVAS course. what a different evening that will be.

"love it our true destiny. we do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone -- we find it with another."
-thomas merton

so you think you can... ba da ba pa pa... i'm lovin' it

so, this christmas i got a wonderful gift from my sister leah... tickets to SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!!!! it was supposed to be this monday, but was postponed to tuesday because of the weather. regardless of the day it was so much fun.
it was so good to just be with my mom and leah, the guys went on a boy date; a father son movie night with some other fathers and sons!

here are some pictures from the night. my favorite dances were the mirror with lisa and miles, and the disco with natalie and nico (i think it was nico...)

also, i have never heard so many girls screaming at the same time! it was crazy, but very entertaining!

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things you may not know!

so, i did one of those "25 things you may not know about me" things on Facebook, but decided it would be fun to do one on here, with things that i think most people actually wouldn't know!

1. i love bubblebaths. when i take one i fill the tub so full of bubbles, but then i won't get out until i've drowned every single bubble... takes forever.

2. i secretly wish i was a red head, not strawberry blond, but like.... dark rich red, like Adison from Grey's Anatomy.

3. i love reading books out loud, altho it takes a lot longer to read.

4. i love reading to michael at night, he likes it cuz my voice lulls him to sleep, but then periodically i yell "michael!" so he wakes up and keeps listening!

5. i love traveling, but get homesick almost always on the 2nd day, unless i'm with my mom!

6. i like grocery shopping more than shopping for clothes.

7. i'm a sucker for "points", for instance, i prefer shopping at Sobey's over Superstore because i get Club Sobey's Points!

8. if i was rich... i would go to Mongo's grill all the time

9. i'm fascinated by water chesnuts. they crunch in such a unique way!

10. i used to sing when i would wait for the bus, and i would record it on my cell phone, that way when people drove by it would look like i was just talking on the phone.

11. if i watch a show a lot i feel like i know the characters like they are actually my friends.

12. since my jaw surgery i sometimes have dreams where my jaw locks up or falls off.

13. i loved being a maid so i could see how other people live.

14. after it rains, i love to walk thru every puddle, especially when wearing flip flops.

15. i think fake banana flavor is wonderfully delicious. my husband... does not!

16. i used to sneeze up to 15 times in a row, but since my tonsils were removed i only sneeze once or twice, and i kinda miss it.

17. i still have 2 baby teeth and the only reason i kinda like them is because it reminds me of my Poppa (my Grandpa Thomas) cuz he had missing adult teeth too!

18. i really don't like black tea, it makes my throat feel funny.

19. i now officially love country music... never saw that coming.

20. some parts of my heart still hurt from things that were said and done to me by others when Michael and I started dating, and i think they will always hurt.

21. i wish i had freckles.

22. i will never stop missing Jay or wondering what he would be like.

23. i will never define my worth by the job i have and don't know how to handle it when people define my worth by my job. it should be about being happy.

24. i don't think anyone could love their dad more than i love mine.

25. in the winter time i daydream about how many days till i get to go to the cabin again... only a few more months...

his tears looked like mine

i started writing this the other day... i don't think that it's done yet... but i don't know quite how to finish it yet. anyway, here it is:

the sky was pink and creamy
as i walked down the road
the colors swirled together in a way
that made you think it would be sweet if you could sip it

the air smelled fresh and crisp
when i inhaled i felt it fill my body
like a fresh breath of life

and i thought about Lazarus
and how the air would've refilled his lungs
and life would taste sweet again

i thought back to when the sky didn't taste so sweet
to when we felt surrounded by lies
thinking we were forgotten
and that He no longer loves us...

the times we cried and yelled
or hoarsely whispered...
i thought you loved me?

and then... and then, i saw Him weeping
and his tears, they looked like mine.