so this is christmas...
christmas is different this year. it's different every year, and i think it will continue to be different every year. so far we've spent the day with my parents and josh and leah, and it has been good for our family to just be together.
tonight we will go to michael's parents place and spend tonight and tomorrow (except the part of the day that i have to work... grumble grumble...) with them. which will be entirely different, but also good to just be together.
satisfy us in the morning with your love...
my dad just put on a steve bell cd. i think that the music and the words in steve bell songs/cds often soothe my soul.
match the days Lord, of our sorrow with your joy...
i think that i am forever changed. and i will never fully be able to describe it, or understand it. which is part of the beauty and the mystery of the Lord. i have learnt to pray to Jesus with a different kind of sincerity. i have had doubt in God like i have never before. and i am learning the pain of feeling helpless. the details of all of these are probably something i will always keep to myself, but are things that have and will continue to change me and my family. and one day, out of the pain, it will be beautiful.
god our protector, keep us in mind.
Truth is always strong, no matter how weak it looks; and falsehood is always weak, no matter how strong it looks. (Phillip Brooks). a quote that was shared with me by my dear grandma. and was a reminder to me of God's consistency. he is truth. always. the truth is God loves... no matter how weak Satan can make that statement seem.
theres noone to turn to, if you don't come through. in your love, remember me. all because of your goodness Lord. in your love remember us. my hoping is keeping me sane, again and again... in your love remember me. (steve bell lyrics)
honesty | insight | and iced coffee.
December 25, 2008
December 22, 2008
assistant TO the regional manager
i thoroughly enjoy this show. just thought you'd all like to know.
December 21, 2008
fall on us
christmas is this week...
some how over the years i've realized that it never feels quite like christmas time... and that maybe really christmas isn't about a feeling, or fulfilling a list of duties so that it feels like christmas. that maybe christmas is about being with the people that are important to you, and taking time to celebrate the best day on earth... when God sent his Son Jesus to us.
i had the privilege of being at Donwood Manor this past week with our church choir. we performed our candlelight service for them, because they wouldn't be able to come to our church at 11pm on the 24th.
during one of the songs i took time to look around at the audience. i was thinking to myself (as i listened to one of the readings) that christmas is really hard this year. that it is totally different because it is not what we were preparing for. i was so excited about having my baby nephew at christmas time, and was already dreaming of how i would spoil him. sometimes my heart aches knowing that i will never get to show Jay the love that i have for him. so i was sitting there thinking about how hard it was for me, and that for most people in the choir, and most people that i know, christmas was going to be normal. happy, normal and delightful. that it will be easy for people to go on celebrating with their families, without having even a passing thought about me and my family... and i know that that was normally the case for me at christmas, so i can't judge.
so i looked around the audience and then i realized, that most of the people in the audience (residents and their families that were there) are not having the Christmases that they expected or prepared for either. and i felt a new type of compassion and care for the people we were singing to.
its hard to feel forgotten. to feel abandoned and like God is just taking his time coming to your aide.
today in church we sang a song that is one of my prayers, especially during this Christmas time. it acknowledges that God is LOVE. God is LIGHT. God is GRACE. even if we feel God is silent, he is still all those things. so this is the song/prayer
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us.
that we may be saved
that we may have life
to find our way, in the darkest night...
let your love fall on us.
we know that God is love. God is grace. God is light.
i want to feel it fall. fall on us. cover us. drench us
let your love fall on us, that we may have life.
some how over the years i've realized that it never feels quite like christmas time... and that maybe really christmas isn't about a feeling, or fulfilling a list of duties so that it feels like christmas. that maybe christmas is about being with the people that are important to you, and taking time to celebrate the best day on earth... when God sent his Son Jesus to us.
i had the privilege of being at Donwood Manor this past week with our church choir. we performed our candlelight service for them, because they wouldn't be able to come to our church at 11pm on the 24th.
during one of the songs i took time to look around at the audience. i was thinking to myself (as i listened to one of the readings) that christmas is really hard this year. that it is totally different because it is not what we were preparing for. i was so excited about having my baby nephew at christmas time, and was already dreaming of how i would spoil him. sometimes my heart aches knowing that i will never get to show Jay the love that i have for him. so i was sitting there thinking about how hard it was for me, and that for most people in the choir, and most people that i know, christmas was going to be normal. happy, normal and delightful. that it will be easy for people to go on celebrating with their families, without having even a passing thought about me and my family... and i know that that was normally the case for me at christmas, so i can't judge.
so i looked around the audience and then i realized, that most of the people in the audience (residents and their families that were there) are not having the Christmases that they expected or prepared for either. and i felt a new type of compassion and care for the people we were singing to.
its hard to feel forgotten. to feel abandoned and like God is just taking his time coming to your aide.
today in church we sang a song that is one of my prayers, especially during this Christmas time. it acknowledges that God is LOVE. God is LIGHT. God is GRACE. even if we feel God is silent, he is still all those things. so this is the song/prayer
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us
Lord, let your love, love with no end fall on us.
that we may be saved
that we may have life
to find our way, in the darkest night...
let your love fall on us.
-----
we know that God is love. God is grace. God is light.
i want to feel it fall. fall on us. cover us. drench us
let your love fall on us, that we may have life.
December 14, 2008
here i am, in that old place again, down on my face again crying out, i want you to hear my plea, come down and rescue me.
Matthew 8:1-3
When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
... the leper asked God to make him clean, and he did.
yesterday i was at a ladies brunch and the speaker said that she prayed a prayer like that to God, saying "if you are willing you can..." and she said for her it wasn't believe that God could. it was believe that he would.
Jesus, how long do we have to wait?
HOW LONG?!
here i am, in that old place again down on my face again
crying out, i want you to hear my plea
COME DOWN AND RESCUE ME
how long will it take?
HOW LONG WILL WE HAVE TO WAIT?
come to me rescue me fall on us with your love
(sanctify : delirious)
December 11, 2008
realizations
so its been a while since i've blogged, but i have definitely been thinking a lot this week
there have been a few times that i have started to write, but realized that some of my thoughts were too raw, and didn't want to be too mysterious, making people wonder if it's them i'm talking about. did some processing myself.
i've realized a few things, one, being that i'm in the process of mourning a friendship that will never be the same again. it's hard knowing that you have reached the point where you were the closest, and that that will probably never happen again. it's hard to just fall off each others radars and not feel like a big chunk of you is missing. i don't know how to explain it, but it's been weighing on my heart the last few weeks.
a second thing i've realized is that i desperately want people to ask me how i am. i realized this when i was with my sister in law phoebe (who i am so thankful for) and she asked me to tell her how i am. she said that we always talk about how my family is, and other things, but that she wanted to know about me. it feels selfish to want people to ask just about yourself, but i think that if you don't have people asking about you and the state of your heart then it is easy to let that get pushed to the back burner and allows you to not take care of your heart or address it in the state that it is in.
i've realized (not just recently, but i've always known) that i am a talker, it doesn't take a lot for me to talk, which i guess ties into the previous point. sometimes i walk away from conversations being like "wow, i just dumped that on that person, and they don't even want to know about it", but if they had asked it would've felt like more of a conversation...
and fourthly i realized this... i counted the other day how many friends i feel really know how i am, and who i am. counted how many people i could be myself with. how many friends i have a caring relationship with, on both sides. and then i realized that it would be very easy to dwell on the fact that that number used to be bigger, but that i want to CHOOSE to dwell on how fortunate i am to have even the people that i do have.
i feel like since july when Jay died, some people just don't know how to relate, or what to talk about with me, or how to bring up the topic. and that can be really hurtful.
i need to choose to be thankful for those that are there, because dwelling on anything else doesn't help at all. so dear friends, know that i am thankful for you, probably more than you know.
there have been a few times that i have started to write, but realized that some of my thoughts were too raw, and didn't want to be too mysterious, making people wonder if it's them i'm talking about. did some processing myself.
i've realized a few things, one, being that i'm in the process of mourning a friendship that will never be the same again. it's hard knowing that you have reached the point where you were the closest, and that that will probably never happen again. it's hard to just fall off each others radars and not feel like a big chunk of you is missing. i don't know how to explain it, but it's been weighing on my heart the last few weeks.
a second thing i've realized is that i desperately want people to ask me how i am. i realized this when i was with my sister in law phoebe (who i am so thankful for) and she asked me to tell her how i am. she said that we always talk about how my family is, and other things, but that she wanted to know about me. it feels selfish to want people to ask just about yourself, but i think that if you don't have people asking about you and the state of your heart then it is easy to let that get pushed to the back burner and allows you to not take care of your heart or address it in the state that it is in.
i've realized (not just recently, but i've always known) that i am a talker, it doesn't take a lot for me to talk, which i guess ties into the previous point. sometimes i walk away from conversations being like "wow, i just dumped that on that person, and they don't even want to know about it", but if they had asked it would've felt like more of a conversation...
and fourthly i realized this... i counted the other day how many friends i feel really know how i am, and who i am. counted how many people i could be myself with. how many friends i have a caring relationship with, on both sides. and then i realized that it would be very easy to dwell on the fact that that number used to be bigger, but that i want to CHOOSE to dwell on how fortunate i am to have even the people that i do have.
i feel like since july when Jay died, some people just don't know how to relate, or what to talk about with me, or how to bring up the topic. and that can be really hurtful.
i need to choose to be thankful for those that are there, because dwelling on anything else doesn't help at all. so dear friends, know that i am thankful for you, probably more than you know.
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