heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

this oven is overheating!

while I promise to not ALWAYS write only about my pregnancy (or eventually only about my baby)
mostly because I don't want this to become another one of the thousands of "mommy" blogs
ps. I won't be referring to myself as mommy on here either!
I am writing about my pregnancy again today.

this time - my pregnancy and the world's hottest summer.

On a regular summer day, my favorite thing to do would be something a long the lines of: going for a bike ride, sipping an iced cold lemonade or iced coffee, visiting my family or a friend, blowing bubbles with everett, read on a lawn chair in the back yard, go to the beach... you know, regular summer things.

This summer.. well, the air conditioning is my BFF.

Ever since I was a kid, I had the wonderful talent of turning bright red in the face the moment I got hot. I don't think I've met many people that share this talent with me. But really, my cheeks get very flushed, the moment I get hot, and there is no hiding that. I remember one time, a lady at my old church said to me "oh, you must have got a bad sunburn today" and I replied, "nope, that's just how my skin works." see. talent!

And, let me tell you, being pregnant.. does not help this problem at all.

At work, I work with 2 guys, one who is currently on sabbatical and the other who handles temperature in the complete opposite way as I do. One morning I went to his office and said "are you feeling as hot & stuffy in here as I am?!" (keep in mind, I was wearing a skirt and a t-shirt) and as I said it, I looked at him and he was wearing: Jeans, a long sleeve button up shirt, a vest, and a long sleeved sweater. And he said "no, I'm cold actually." Hmm.. could be a long summer. Thankfully, pregnancy wins out on this one, and he lets me control the AC.

I feel like I'm missing out on summer, but when it is in the 40s with the humidex.. I just can't function. I try to do things, like go to the heritage museum with my family, but the same thing happens.. everyone is doing the activity and there I was, in the AC with the other little hot tamale in our family, Rogie. We were happy sitting on a couch in the AC, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out!!

BUT - let me tell you. This little baby I am carrying... is completely worth it all! At 23 weeks, I now have less than half way to go. The baby will start gaining more weight each week, and the baby can hear my voice. I have been learning some new songs on the guitar and singing them to this babe.

I love feeling the baby kick, and hiccup. I love knowing when the baby is most likely to be moving and most likely to be sleeping. I love that when my cats lay or push on my belly, the baby kicks back (I can hardly wait for them to be able to feel it! a little taste of their own medicine). I love that the nursery is set up and I can sit in there just thinking and praying. I love that we have named our little bundle and call it by it's name around the house. I love that Michael is more excited to be a dad & meet this little baby than I ever thought he would be! I love that this baby will be born the same year as Roger, and that they will one day wait at the end of our driveway to start their first day of kindergarten together! I love it all really.

And this week, best part of my week - I got my CD in the mail of the pictures of my wonderful little bundle! Most of them are semi-blurry because this baby refuses to sit still. It's a wee bit crazy, in the best way possible! I don't even know what half of the pictures are of, but I love staring at all of them. Pure joy.

 baby thiessen

 spine

 hands

 foot

 bladder

 

the heart