extremes

yesterday i experienced two extremes of the people in this world

in the afternoon i drove out to the lake with my mom, it was good to spend most of the day with her. i dropped her off at auntie's place to visit, and i went to FBC where i met one of the most wonderful ladies, mary, who has graciously accepted the offer to sit across from me and listen to my ranting and raving (ok, she told me that i don't actually rant.. so that is good!)

it was so good to chat with her again. the last time i went to see her was when i was so overwhelmed in the winter. too busy & stressed to even think or take care of myself, she gave me new ways to look at my situation and new suggestions for tackling the stress in my life. she graciously waited for me to stop sobbing as she asked me the simple question "ashley, who are you?" that i found nearly impossible to answer.

this time around, we started our visit by me updating her on how i'm doing. it was good to be able to talk with confidence of where i'm at, and the healing that has been taking place. i'm not "healed" or magically leaps & bounds ahead.. grief and life are both journeys, that i don't think look the same for any 2 people. at the end of our visit she told me it was good to see the sparkle back in my eye and that she could tell i was more myself. she listened to me talk for an hour about things that are going on in my life, offering suggestions and perspectives. as we were wrapping up our visit she told me that i can feel free to email her at anytime, even just to get something off my chest. it is amazing to have such a safe place to be honest. i left our visit thinking that i am so glad God places such kind, compassionate and wise people in my life. that was the positive extreme of my day.

in the evening we came across a blatant example of the negative extreme of the world we live in! it was the birthday of a very special little guy in our lives, marcus. he turned 8 yesterday! we went to his brother's soccer game first, and then went to marcus' game after. when we got there it was half time, and we were told that they were losing by 1 point, but the worst part was that the other team was quite vicious. pushing, kicking, tripping, taunting. little 8 year olds! when the game started we were shocked to see the bullying going on. some of the players were even shouting rude names & comments at their own goalie when he let a goal in (even though the most vocal kids were the ones that were on defence.. and should have stopped the ball before it got to the goalie.. just saying!). at one point, one of the kids was being so violent and inappropriate that the ref kicked him out for the rest of the game. after some shouting, and lots of hand motions, he sat on the side lines bawling. the coach of marcus' team went over and talked to him and basically said that their team was willing to let him play again if he could play fair. so he came back on.  a little while later, we hear the whistle blow three times, the game is over, and the ref (a young girl, probably only 15 or 16) walks off. a glance at our watches makes us realize the game shouldn't be over & something happened. our friend runs over to her to talk, and finds her crying, totally defeated. and he finds out that the reason she called the game short was that parents from the other team had been yelling constantly mean things to her, so she just decided to call it quits and get out of there. our friend walked over to the parents on the other team to inform them of what just happened and to ask them what happened. to remind them that, even if you don't agree with the way the ref is reffing... there is no need for personal attacks on such a young girl. from there, it went from bad to worse. with parents from that team yelling, denying they were any part of the problem, asking the parents of our team if they "wanted to fight" (um, NO! quite the opposite, they wanted to make peace with the poor ref!) and then hi-fiving their kids for their big win.

as the other team paraded off, the kids were saying "what just happened?!" and wondering why that team of kids thought it was ok to play violently and with mean comments throughout the game. it saddened me to see adult bullies, praising their kids for the same behavior. it left me wondering what had gone on in their lives to bring out such anger and impatience. over an 8 year olds soccer game.

one thing that mary told me numerous times over our meeting was that i was only responsible for myself, for my own actions, my own words, my own reactions. that is what i can control, that is how i can set examples and act in love. in peace. in encouragement.

but how hard that can be when we want to prove the point of justice!

another day of grace. to those we love and to those we struggle to even think about loving.

p as in phoebe, h as in heebe, o as in oh-bee, e as in ee-bee, b as in beebee and e as in... 'ello there mate!

today is another birthday of someone that i LOVE so much.

my dear sissy, phoebe! (*disclaimer, the term sissy is used in love. i am in no way calling her a weakling, my sissy has muscles! for whatever reason it's become my term of endearment for her)

i am a very fortunate & blessed girl. finding such a wonderful friend in my sister-in-law Leah was a gift. i realize that this kind of friendship doesn't always happen. so when i thought about who i would marry, i always hoped that i would have this blessing again. and my hopes came true in michael's sister phoebe. we had a bit of a "rough" start i suppose, phoebe was in a weird spot, as she had been gone in africa the entire year that michael and i started getting interested in one another. also, because of the age difference between michael and i, phoebe is a younger sister to me, but older sister to michael! however, these bumps in the road were quickly smoothed out, and now i don't know what i'd do without phoebs. we love to talk, pray, sing, cry, relax, camp, drink coffee, bake, watch tv/movies together. you name it, we love to do it together. i am so thankful that i was given a second sister-in-law best friend. something i do not take for granted.

i admire my sister phoebe for her hard work & perseverance (especially this last year with finishing her honors degreen in science, her med school prep, interview & patience in the process). i admire her faith & her commitment to others, especially with prayer.  i admire her ability to laugh easily, and cry openly, it's a cool thing about our relationship that we can be open on both ends of the emotional spectrum. i admire her crazy biking skills and that biking over the disraeli is no biggie for her! i just really love her.

happy birthday to my dear sissy. my little h-hyphen. happy birthday. i love you lots and i'm SO glad you're my sister. no matter what happens next year with school or work, we'll have a fun year :)

happy birthday to my dear mom

 a mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. - tenneva jordan

if you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. - robert brault

the heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. - honore de balzac

mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - marion garretty

a mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. washington irving

sunday was my mom's birthday
and i had the privilege of hosting the party!

as i wrapped the gift (the much awaited ipod touch), set the table, cut up the vegetables.. i spent time thinking about my mom & thanking God for her

i have the best mom. a mom that listens to all my ranting and raving. calls me on choices i've made or things i say. laughs with me all the time. cries with me and is always ready with a hug. a mom that shares her heart with me and her vision for women's ministry. a mom that calls me to pray with/for me before a big test, or interview, or tough experience. a mom that is still happy to have sleepovers with me, where we often stay up too late chatting or watching a movie or just relaxing. a mom that i want to call up to go for coffee, or shopping or for lunch. my mom is my best friend and i truly have a friendship with her.

i realize that this isn't the norm for most people, which makes me all the more grateful for what i do have.  my mom is so similar to me (or i guess i'm so similar to her, since she came into the world first!) that i often know what she's thinking or feeling before she even says it (and even when she says she's feeling the opposite and i can see right through it!!). my mom knows how i'm feeling by the tone of my voice over the phone. my mom knows me and still loves me! that is the best! :)

so on sunday we were able to celebrate her, with a bbq steak lunch, presents, peanutbutter icecream cake, watermelon and time playing together with everett as a family, checking out the flowers, the grass, the toys.

i am so thankful for my mom. a pillar in our family, of love, faith, and generosity.
not sure what i'd do without her.

i love you mom. the most. more than you. and way more than 5.
happy birthday and heres to many more!

xo ashes

dare to be remarkable

years ago my mom bought me a necklace that had a round pendant with the words "dare to be remarkable"
i loved it when i received it and still love it. i wore it a lot and often thought about those words. what could i do in life to be daring, to be ok with being different. in what ways could i fully embrace who i am and love myself in that process? dare to be remarkable.

on one trip i had the necklace in a bag with my shampoo.. which ended up spilling everywhere and tarnishing the necklace. i thought about throwing it out, and call me a hoarder or call me sentimental, but i couldn't part with it.

i came across the necklace again the other day and i can't help but think that it now represents my life even more than it did then. tarnished, "broken", imperfect, but still there. the things i've gone through over the last handful of years have changed & shaped me. i've stumbled through more valleys, and i think i've seen glimpses of mountain tops. i can still dare to be remarkable. the scars & struggles have shown me more things to be confident of within myself. my faith. my family. my perseverance. my passions. in rougher shape than when i started this life, i still have so many reasons & ways to reach for the remarkable.
hows that for inspiration on such a grey day? :)

the necklace

beloved

i haven't written for awhile
for a number of reasons
being busy with many fun things
and also insecurity
worrying that i don't have anything good to say
or that i'm just patting myself on the back
or talking and rambling for no good

lately i've been realizing that i have lost a lot of confidence for some reason over the past few years.
just more insecure than i have felt before
messages seem to be coming from every which way
you don't do enough
you do too much
you need to spend more time nurturing your christian walk
you're not active enough, healthy enough, pretty enough
people like her more than you.. etc.

those thoughts are so degrading and debilitating.
i think that when you experience something you have a choice as to how you interpret it. you can be offended or let it roll off your back. you can be confident in who you are, or you can doubt. you can take something as a light hearted comment or spend hours looking for the hidden meaning.

the other day i was with a friend, a very beautiful friend that most people can not say enough wonderful things about - and we bumped into someone we both know, and she commented to my friend "wow, you look great!" - now i could take this as a nice thing that is being said to my friend, or... the way that i took it that day - she looks great, and you don't. i've played that conversation over & over in my mind, and it always leaves me feeling defeated. when i could've chosen to just think it was a nice thing to be said about my friend.

i just really dislike having my mind drift more easily toward the negative. i am not totally sure how you magically become more confident. i think it starts with finding my identity in christ. thinking of myself as he thinks of me. spending less time with people or things that leave me feeling less. the hardest ones are the things that seem to seek me out to make me feel less. not sure how to fully be protected from that.

i have started playing my guitar again on a more regular basis (i go thru phases for no real reason) and i have been playing the song "beloved" - i LOVE this song. a friend of mine from university, kris, taught it to me. the first time we sang it together it gave me chills. holy spirit chills, the ones that i get when i am so overwhelmed in worship that i feel completely surrounded by Christ. it is a good reminder for me, especially when i'm feeling down or less confident.

time for more confidence. a change in perspective. time to see myself as his beloved.

lord it was you who created the heavens

lord it was your hands that put the stars in their place

lord it is your voice that commands the morning

even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet

lord who am i compared to your glory?

lord who am i compared to your majesty?

i'm your beloved

your creation

and you love me as i am

you've called me chosen

for your kingdom

unashamed to call me your own

i'm your beloved

i'm your beloved