it has been a long time since I have posted anything
I realize that it's a combination of things - partially not knowing exactly what to write about, partially feeling too passionate about things to write about (and I don't like to write about something if I'm too emotional about it, because I find that I can regret things that I write in such a public forum), and partially because I am using my time differently. Life with an 18 month old is a busy one! And in this day and age, technology is everywhere. Matilda knows what my phone sounds like when I get a text, she knows what it means if it starts ringing, she knows how to slide her finger on the screen to unlock it, and she knows how to scroll thru pictures and press PLAY on videos. Sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's eery, to see how someone so little can do all these things, and realizing its because she is watching it all around her! But, all that to say, I cannot as easily be on the computer with her around, nor do I want to be as much.
But right now, she is fast asleep in her room, and I am taking some moments to myself to write about some thoughts that have been milling around in my head for the last couple of weeks.
I have been thinking a lot about the idea of gratefulness - and how quickly gratefulness can be replaced with entitlement, jealousy, pride etc. Two quotes that have been in my head lately have been "remember this - that very little is needed to make a happy life" (aurelis) and "comparison is the thief of joy" (theodore roosevelt). I have been thinking about how happy life can be, how content I am at home with Matilda, playing and learning, reading, drawing etc. and then one conversation with someone else (particularly another mom) can leave me thinking that I want the things that she has, or maybe my parenting isn't as good because my kid wakes up earlier than hers, or she makes it to the gym and I don't, or her kid is saying 30 words etc etc. So quickly the comparison can change a perspective from grateful to jealous. Or how quickly I can leave a conversation on the opposite end, thinking to myself how superior my parenting is because of this or that. And my gratefulness is swapped for a much uglier pride and entitlement.
This was all really put into perspective for me last night. My husband had an early start to work yesterday, as well as a later stop time. He left before Matilda woke up, and normally he gets up with her and they spend the morning together until he has to leave (giving me the luxury of catching a few more zzz's). So my day started earlier than normal. The day was lovely, with different visits from different loved ones. Matilda had a nice long nap and I was productive during those couple of hours. But then the time that I expected Michael to come home, came and went. I couldn't get him on the phone and I started growing impatient. Only later in the evening did I realize that it was more like a spoiled kid, grumbling that they were home alone, when the other person would have loved to be home but was instead working hard and making money! He came home and quickly I felt discouraged by the idea of trying to make something for supper, no ideas, nothing quick to make etc etc. We put Matilda down together and went downstairs to start supper. However, unlike every other night, Matilda decided she didn't want to sleep. She was crying and fussing, and that is just not her style. So I went in to try and help her, but that made it worse when I tried leaving. So, back up I went, thinking "poor me". We gave her some Tylenol to help with the molars that are trying to come through and I sat in the rocking chair. She fussed for a little while, but as I was singing, she very quickly settled and just snuggled in. I moved her into a cradle hold position, and sat there singing to her, songs of Jesus loving her, God making nature, God's power and might. Her eyes were closed and she was in a steady soft breathing pattern that showed her relaxing more every minute. I sat there, and God brought to mind so many things. In the past few weeks I have learned of 2 little boys each passing away (neither who I knew personally, but I did read from both mom's blogs etc) one from a sudden car accident (he was 3), and another from a brain tumor (he was 5). God also brought to mind two different names of women I love who are trying to start families. He reminded me of a conversation I had with another friend who is potentially going to have to move away from close family for work circumstances. I was sitting there, holding my sweet sleeping baby, and was so aware of those who are with empty arms and life was put into perspective. My gratefulness was looking more like entitlement, and with entitlement came the idea that I could complain about mundane things, or feel sorry for myself about things that are not big things at all. I was thinking about the one mom, who would be at home without her little 5 year old - who she sang to every night, and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that I could be sitting here holding my baby and singing to her.
So I sat there a little longer. Rocked her a little more. Sang her one more song. Said many silent thank you prayers. Whispered I love you. Gave her a kiss and savoured the moment of looking at her, and tried to remind myself not to forget this moment, but to use it to live daily with gratefulness.
honesty | insight | and iced coffee.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
May 15, 2014
May 22, 2013
remembering.
I have always been a fan of worship music - no matter how new or how old. I love me a good solid hymn with 4 part harmony (and the occasional "descant" if we want to really get crazy), I love the newest most contemporary styles as well. And really, everything in between! My iPod playlists will often contain a mixture of gaithers to iron & wine. I'm not picky really. One thing I do love, is playing or singing an "old" song (old being a relative term here) and rediscovering it. Either the way the melody ebbs & flows or fits into my favorite register of my voice, or rediscovering the poetic phrases in the lyrics, or a combo of the two if I'm lucky!
I have compiled all of my worship music into one large binder. It contains all kinds of gems in there. And often, just when I need it - I will flip "randomly" to a song, and it will fit exactly where I am at with my thoughts. Today was one of those days. I flipped to the song "We Worship You" by Jane Martens. I have always loved the melody of this song, and today the words fit perfectly into my thoughts, especially the second verse:
We worship You, we come before Your throne
To see Your face Lord, for You have cleansed us
And called us Your own
We worship You and even in pain
We know You've redeemed us
And we'll never be the same
So because of Your grace and Your unfailing love
Because of Your faithfulness we lift You up
Because of Your word and Your righteous ways
We offer to You Lord this sacrifice of praise
Deuteronomy 8:2,11,14,18,19:
Spiritual amnesia kills people, churches, integrity, promise.
V2: and you shall remember
V11: take care let you forget
V14: then your heart be lifted up, and you forget
V18: you shall remember
V19: and if you forget
The only way to keep from forgetting is to remember!
Remembering is the key to not forgetting!
My story is my ministry. My story is the reason why I have the sanity to put 4 words together to make sense. All for His glory!
There is a thin line between taking for granted what God has done and taking credit for it. When we stop remembering, we have forgotten; It will bring us back to bondage every time.
We cry out and we start again in hopes to make it right this time. It's an endless cycle. Make it stop.
I have compiled all of my worship music into one large binder. It contains all kinds of gems in there. And often, just when I need it - I will flip "randomly" to a song, and it will fit exactly where I am at with my thoughts. Today was one of those days. I flipped to the song "We Worship You" by Jane Martens. I have always loved the melody of this song, and today the words fit perfectly into my thoughts, especially the second verse:
We worship You, we come before Your throne
To see Your face Lord, for You have cleansed us
And called us Your own
We worship You and even in pain
We know You've redeemed us
And we'll never be the same
So because of Your grace and Your unfailing love
Because of Your faithfulness we lift You up
Because of Your word and Your righteous ways
We offer to You Lord this sacrifice of praise
I have been thinking a lot about what our lives look like as Christians. How are we supposed to be different, and how are we supposed to be "in the world" as well. These thoughts are largely due to those around me - I have been surrounded by the whole spectrum these days it seems. I have a new friend who is a new Christian - and making this decision has required huge sacrifice. I have others around me that are being very obedient in our call as Christians - which sometimes requires a huge change in our lives and often pushes us out of our comfort zone, or inviting others in, which also challenges our comfort zone. I have also been witness to the other extreme of the spectrum, with those who once were on the same page as me, and have now expanded their "God box" and are walking a dangerous line of interpreting God's word to fit our situation and desires.
When we are spiritual and earthly peers to one another, we will just naturally compare our experiences to others, our views, our thoughts, our nudgings of the Spirit. So I have been thinking a lot about what do I want my life to be like, how do I want others to see Christ in me, and how do I want Christ to see me every minute of every day. How do I walk along side of a new Christian, and also those who are struggling?
We have the luxury (and I really do see it as a luxury) of having a huge community of faith around us. We have had the opportunity recently to seek out the council of our spiritual authority in our church (our lead pastor) as well as conversations with peers. We have open communication in our family unit of Michael and I, as well as both of our extended families. We have friends and peers. We have people in our lives who commit to praying for us, while we commit to praying for others. People who encourage us while we use our energies to encourage others. Community, a luxury, and a necessity for spiritual health.
One of the other opportunities recently for me has been attending a Beth Moore bible study at Women Refreshed at the Well. It is called "Laws of Love" and it is a short study on the book of Deuteronomy. I have been so thankful for this study so far. One of the major parts that has stuck in my mind has been on the point of Spiritual Amnesia. Here are some of the points Beth makes on that (someone on the internet has posted these notes- so it is not verbatim, just the notes of another person doing this bible study):
Spiritual amnesia kills people, churches, integrity, promise.
V2: and you shall remember
V11: take care let you forget
V14: then your heart be lifted up, and you forget
V18: you shall remember
V19: and if you forget
The only way to keep from forgetting is to remember!
Remembering is the key to not forgetting!
My story is my ministry. My story is the reason why I have the sanity to put 4 words together to make sense. All for His glory!
There is a thin line between taking for granted what God has done and taking credit for it. When we stop remembering, we have forgotten; It will bring us back to bondage every time.
We cry out and we start again in hopes to make it right this time. It's an endless cycle. Make it stop.
This has fit so well into my thoughts these days. With both my friend that is a new Christian, and those on the other end - one is in a place of realizing what God is doing - and working so hard at remembering, and the other is in the place of beginning to forget. Through all of it, I am realizing that it is our job as Christians to work at REMEMBERING. To keep God involved and at the centre of everything we do so that our story - the way we live, our life in all aspects - points back to God and what He has done.
I've been reminded yet again that being a Christian is a verb not a noun (ha, I feel like Dr. Phil here - he always says "now I'm going to put verbs in my sentences"). God is not a box that we can widen - his word is very clear and God needs to be the only thing we measure ourself against. The minute we try to fit God around our sins and earthly tendencies, is the minute that we have started to forget. Being a Christian is work! It requires sacrifice (either materialistic things, or not giving into sinful desires etc).
And this is where I (finally) fit the song into it all. The last line of the song always hits me. "We offer to You Lord, this sacrifice of praise."The way that we worship God, is by continually offering ourselves to him, all parts - even the parts that we so desperately want to cling to. But when we work at remembering - the sacrifice is put into perspective, and it really is just all about worship & praise and then we realize that this sacrifice is hardly a sacrifice at all once we realize where we are because of God.
"You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the shepherd of your souls." 1 Peter 2:25
February 7, 2013
The war is over.
Last week Michael & I went to the first (of 7) session of a course facilitated by Josh & Leah at our church (Kilcona Park Alliance) called Christianity Explored. It goes over the basics of Christianity using the book of Mark.
During the first video there was one specific line that really stuck out to me - I'm paraphrasing from memory but basically it was: calling the gospel "good news" doesn't do it justice. The news of the gospel should be as incredible as hearing the news that "war is over".
This was eye opening for me as I realized that so often I don't treat the gospel of Jesus (or the bible in general) with the urgency or gravity that it deserves.
I shared this thought with a few people since then and one said that the metaphor of war wasn't really something that was relatable to her (which makes sense since we live in Canada and we only hear about war, we don't experience it first hand.) so then I spent more time thinking about why this specific line had stuck out to me. Was it just that I get emotional over things said poetically (which I will admit has been my issue before, I can get caught up in the emotions) or what?
Well, I remembered that there was a story told by my grandpa - he dictated his life story to my mom before he died and we all have a copy (something I am very thankful for) so I came home and looked it up and here it is:
Our company was made up of three units, all equal strength and numbers. Alfred, my friend and I belonged to the third unit. The first unit was briefed in the evening and put into action during the night. We did not hear from them again. A day later the second unit got the same insturctions and left at night. The next afternoon we just happened to stand around waiting our call to the briefing when three men from unit two appeared. Without the officer's knowledge, they started to tell us about their experience the night before. When the tanks came out they knew each foxhole location and with a barrage of cannon fire from their guns, they annihilated them one at a time. These three managed to escape somehow. My spirit sank. We knew that now it was our turn, and we would be called in any moment. I determined to do my best but I knew that I would not live to see the sunrise again. I had made my peace but I had not taken God into consideration and realized only years later that he would do a mighty miracle that day.
While we were still talking to the three that had escaped, we were summoned inside and instead of last minute instructions, we were told that this part of Germany had capitulated and the war was over.
Just like in my grandpas story, because of Jesus the eternal war is over.
*if this class sounds interesting to you there is still time to join us! It is laid back and supper is provided. Thursdays at 7 till march 14!
During the first video there was one specific line that really stuck out to me - I'm paraphrasing from memory but basically it was: calling the gospel "good news" doesn't do it justice. The news of the gospel should be as incredible as hearing the news that "war is over".
This was eye opening for me as I realized that so often I don't treat the gospel of Jesus (or the bible in general) with the urgency or gravity that it deserves.
I shared this thought with a few people since then and one said that the metaphor of war wasn't really something that was relatable to her (which makes sense since we live in Canada and we only hear about war, we don't experience it first hand.) so then I spent more time thinking about why this specific line had stuck out to me. Was it just that I get emotional over things said poetically (which I will admit has been my issue before, I can get caught up in the emotions) or what?
Well, I remembered that there was a story told by my grandpa - he dictated his life story to my mom before he died and we all have a copy (something I am very thankful for) so I came home and looked it up and here it is:
Our company was made up of three units, all equal strength and numbers. Alfred, my friend and I belonged to the third unit. The first unit was briefed in the evening and put into action during the night. We did not hear from them again. A day later the second unit got the same insturctions and left at night. The next afternoon we just happened to stand around waiting our call to the briefing when three men from unit two appeared. Without the officer's knowledge, they started to tell us about their experience the night before. When the tanks came out they knew each foxhole location and with a barrage of cannon fire from their guns, they annihilated them one at a time. These three managed to escape somehow. My spirit sank. We knew that now it was our turn, and we would be called in any moment. I determined to do my best but I knew that I would not live to see the sunrise again. I had made my peace but I had not taken God into consideration and realized only years later that he would do a mighty miracle that day.
While we were still talking to the three that had escaped, we were summoned inside and instead of last minute instructions, we were told that this part of Germany had capitulated and the war was over.
Just like in my grandpas story, because of Jesus the eternal war is over.
*if this class sounds interesting to you there is still time to join us! It is laid back and supper is provided. Thursdays at 7 till march 14!
January 22, 2013
Deliverance
Deliver me from all of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me
All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through
Deliver me
Deliver me
Deliver me
Jesus Jesus how I trust you
How I've proved you over and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
Deliver me
Years ago my friend and I planned and lead a worship night on the theme/topic of lament and this was one of the songs we learnt for that night.
Many times I have found myself working through struggle and grief while sitting at my piano, singing and playing this song, and today yet again.
Jesus answered a prayer for deliverance today. Not through earthly healing as we would have chosen, but through another more eternal deliverance.
Today heaven embraced a new, beautiful, cancer-free angel, and her name is Audrey.
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me
All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through
Deliver me
Deliver me
Deliver me
Jesus Jesus how I trust you
How I've proved you over and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
Deliver me
Years ago my friend and I planned and lead a worship night on the theme/topic of lament and this was one of the songs we learnt for that night.
Many times I have found myself working through struggle and grief while sitting at my piano, singing and playing this song, and today yet again.
Jesus answered a prayer for deliverance today. Not through earthly healing as we would have chosen, but through another more eternal deliverance.
Today heaven embraced a new, beautiful, cancer-free angel, and her name is Audrey.
December 23, 2012
Immanuel
Christmas is here. Every year I feel like it sneaks up on me, like I don't always take the time to soak it up before it is over.
I love so much about Christmas. The music, the decorations, the turkey and the Christmas baking. I love the Christmas carols and the time with family. I love the familiarity of the Christmas story and the sound of my brother or one of my dads reading the words, "in those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree..." I love taking time to pick out gifts for those I love, and spending more time together than a normal day.
I always miss loved ones that are no longer here. Christmas always makes me aware of the fact that our family is not whole here on earth, especially missing my first nephew, Jay.
This year Christmas is different since we are now a family of 3. I appreciate time with family even more and I'm more aware yet again of the gifts that God has given me.
But this year, having Matilda around has helped me see Christmas in another way. I have always loved the name Immanuel for God. It has just always been one of my favourite ways to refer to Jesus. I love the verse in Isaiah (9:6) "For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." And I love to read it together with the verse in Matthew (1:23) "She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us'".
The verse in Isaiah talks about a son being given to us, and the verse in Matthew talks about his name meaning he is WITH us. This is where having Matilda has helped give me a new perspective.
I always knew I wanted to have kids. I feel natural around kids and I love spending time with my nephews and my friends kids. I knew the basics of what having a kid meant - getting pregnant, going through labour, feeding the baby, changing diapers, meeting needs, getting her to sleep etc. I knew having a baby would mean she would be with me, live with me, but I didn't get the depth of that until the experience was mine. Until I went thru it, I didn't know that when you are pregnant, you think of your baby 24/24 hours of the day. When you go into labour you do not care about the pain or about what it takes to get that baby out safely. Until I had a baby that needed me to fill her every need I didn't know what it felt like to be needed like that. Until the experience was mine, I didn't know how much time and effort it took, and I didn't get how much you can love someone.
Until the experience was mine, I didn't know what it really meant to have a baby with me at all times. She is all I think about, I don't do anything without thinking how she fits in to it. I don't eat breakfast when I am hungry if I think she need to eat or even just have my full attention.
Until now, it didn't fully sink in that that is what Immanuel means. God is WITH us. He wants to be with me the way Matilda is. He wants to be part of every minute of my day. He wants my attention, my thoughts, my everything. He makes himself present constantly, he may not force my attention like a newborn does, but he wants it.
So this year I will make it intentional to welcome him the way he welcomes me. Immanuel - a son given to us, God with us.
This picture is of my chalkboard in my living room, with the verse from Matthew to help remind me of this wonderful gift.
I love so much about Christmas. The music, the decorations, the turkey and the Christmas baking. I love the Christmas carols and the time with family. I love the familiarity of the Christmas story and the sound of my brother or one of my dads reading the words, "in those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree..." I love taking time to pick out gifts for those I love, and spending more time together than a normal day.
I always miss loved ones that are no longer here. Christmas always makes me aware of the fact that our family is not whole here on earth, especially missing my first nephew, Jay.
This year Christmas is different since we are now a family of 3. I appreciate time with family even more and I'm more aware yet again of the gifts that God has given me.
But this year, having Matilda around has helped me see Christmas in another way. I have always loved the name Immanuel for God. It has just always been one of my favourite ways to refer to Jesus. I love the verse in Isaiah (9:6) "For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." And I love to read it together with the verse in Matthew (1:23) "She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us'".
The verse in Isaiah talks about a son being given to us, and the verse in Matthew talks about his name meaning he is WITH us. This is where having Matilda has helped give me a new perspective.
I always knew I wanted to have kids. I feel natural around kids and I love spending time with my nephews and my friends kids. I knew the basics of what having a kid meant - getting pregnant, going through labour, feeding the baby, changing diapers, meeting needs, getting her to sleep etc. I knew having a baby would mean she would be with me, live with me, but I didn't get the depth of that until the experience was mine. Until I went thru it, I didn't know that when you are pregnant, you think of your baby 24/24 hours of the day. When you go into labour you do not care about the pain or about what it takes to get that baby out safely. Until I had a baby that needed me to fill her every need I didn't know what it felt like to be needed like that. Until the experience was mine, I didn't know how much time and effort it took, and I didn't get how much you can love someone.
Until the experience was mine, I didn't know what it really meant to have a baby with me at all times. She is all I think about, I don't do anything without thinking how she fits in to it. I don't eat breakfast when I am hungry if I think she need to eat or even just have my full attention.
Until now, it didn't fully sink in that that is what Immanuel means. God is WITH us. He wants to be with me the way Matilda is. He wants to be part of every minute of my day. He wants my attention, my thoughts, my everything. He makes himself present constantly, he may not force my attention like a newborn does, but he wants it.
So this year I will make it intentional to welcome him the way he welcomes me. Immanuel - a son given to us, God with us.
This picture is of my chalkboard in my living room, with the verse from Matthew to help remind me of this wonderful gift.
August 15, 2012
hold on to me as a we go...
I'm not sure how many other people still watch American Idol, but I do even though after Taylor Hicks won I swore I would NEVER watch again...
This past season was probably my favorite of all the seasons. The judges are more positive and give more constructive criticism as opposed to just being grumpy (aka simon cowell). It was also my favorite season because I was so happy with who won.. a guy named Phillip Phillips (maybe I'll name our baby Thiesse Thiessen, since the double name seemed to work for Phillip). He was my favorite because it was so obvious that he was there because he loved making music, he loved performing because it meant he got lost in the music - he wasn't there to be "adored" or praised for what he did (although that's a nice bonus I'm sure). He was there to just be who he was, and express himself through this creative outlet of music. And he had one of the most attractive qualities a person can have (in my opinion) - a humble spirit. When they announced that he won, he had to sing his new single - Home - and it was emotional to watch (and apparently something I get emotional talking about.. pregnant much?) because he was just so humbled at the support for who he truly is, that he couldn't even make it through singing the whole song and he ended up walking off the stage to cry with his family.
By far my favorite TV moment of 2012.
Anyway, this song has become one of my favorites and it came on this morning when I was watching the weather channel as I was getting ready for the day, and has been playing in my mind since then. I'm in the process of making a mix CD of songs that make me think about our little baby, and this journey of preparing to be parents and just these months of anticipation and fun. I intend to listen to it in the car during the last few weeks before my due date, and if I decide to listen to music when I'm in labour (I'm undecided as to whether I'll find music enjoyable or annoying when I'm in pain.. time will tell) then it will be part of that mixture of songs. I decided this morning that this song, Home, is going on that mix - partially because I just love it and how it sounds, but also because of a lot of the words.
Recently I have been starting to have some thoughts (I was going to say doubts, or fears, or concerns.. but those all sound like such downers) about what it will really be like to take on the role of being a mom, and being parents, Michael & I together. No one gives you permission to become a parent, no one can really tell you what to do, or fully prepare you for this huge (and amazing) new role. I'm gathering that it is a lot of trial and error. I have been having a lot of dreams lately, and the other day the main thing in my dream was that my baby was born but I kept living life as if it wasn't. I would get up and leave for the day, and I went days without feeding or changing my baby. I woke up in a bit of a panic!
I've always known I want to be a mom, and that I think Michael will be an awesome Dad. We have wonderful examples, especially in our parents and Josh & Leah. We are so excited for this all to really start - but it is also completely new territory. So many unknowns which is both the exciting and terrifying thing about it!
I am very aware that Satan likes to take our doubts and our personal weaknesses and blow them out of proportion. He likes to make me wonder if I can even do this at all! But, I am confident in who I am, in who God made me to be, in Michael, in our support of family & friends. And well, I love this baby so much, and if I'm terrible at everything else, at least it will know it is completely and utterly loved!
So, back to the song, Home - I feel like the words play into all of this journey for me - "hold onto me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road... don't pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear... just know you're not alone, I'm going to make this place your home."
I am so looking forward to this new stage of life being home.
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
This past season was probably my favorite of all the seasons. The judges are more positive and give more constructive criticism as opposed to just being grumpy (aka simon cowell). It was also my favorite season because I was so happy with who won.. a guy named Phillip Phillips (maybe I'll name our baby Thiesse Thiessen, since the double name seemed to work for Phillip). He was my favorite because it was so obvious that he was there because he loved making music, he loved performing because it meant he got lost in the music - he wasn't there to be "adored" or praised for what he did (although that's a nice bonus I'm sure). He was there to just be who he was, and express himself through this creative outlet of music. And he had one of the most attractive qualities a person can have (in my opinion) - a humble spirit. When they announced that he won, he had to sing his new single - Home - and it was emotional to watch (and apparently something I get emotional talking about.. pregnant much?) because he was just so humbled at the support for who he truly is, that he couldn't even make it through singing the whole song and he ended up walking off the stage to cry with his family.
By far my favorite TV moment of 2012.
Anyway, this song has become one of my favorites and it came on this morning when I was watching the weather channel as I was getting ready for the day, and has been playing in my mind since then. I'm in the process of making a mix CD of songs that make me think about our little baby, and this journey of preparing to be parents and just these months of anticipation and fun. I intend to listen to it in the car during the last few weeks before my due date, and if I decide to listen to music when I'm in labour (I'm undecided as to whether I'll find music enjoyable or annoying when I'm in pain.. time will tell) then it will be part of that mixture of songs. I decided this morning that this song, Home, is going on that mix - partially because I just love it and how it sounds, but also because of a lot of the words.
Recently I have been starting to have some thoughts (I was going to say doubts, or fears, or concerns.. but those all sound like such downers) about what it will really be like to take on the role of being a mom, and being parents, Michael & I together. No one gives you permission to become a parent, no one can really tell you what to do, or fully prepare you for this huge (and amazing) new role. I'm gathering that it is a lot of trial and error. I have been having a lot of dreams lately, and the other day the main thing in my dream was that my baby was born but I kept living life as if it wasn't. I would get up and leave for the day, and I went days without feeding or changing my baby. I woke up in a bit of a panic!
I've always known I want to be a mom, and that I think Michael will be an awesome Dad. We have wonderful examples, especially in our parents and Josh & Leah. We are so excited for this all to really start - but it is also completely new territory. So many unknowns which is both the exciting and terrifying thing about it!
I am very aware that Satan likes to take our doubts and our personal weaknesses and blow them out of proportion. He likes to make me wonder if I can even do this at all! But, I am confident in who I am, in who God made me to be, in Michael, in our support of family & friends. And well, I love this baby so much, and if I'm terrible at everything else, at least it will know it is completely and utterly loved!
So, back to the song, Home - I feel like the words play into all of this journey for me - "hold onto me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road... don't pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear... just know you're not alone, I'm going to make this place your home."
I am so looking forward to this new stage of life being home.
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
does this make anyone else cry? no? just me? oh well :)
July 24, 2012
heal my heart
today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen
as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.
I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.
I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!
I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.
we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.
in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.
I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.
Hosanna - Brooke Fraser
I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true:
Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
Who got the last word, oh, Death?
Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?
jay benjamin klassen
I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!
I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.
in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.
I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.
Hosanna - Brooke Fraser
I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true:
Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
Who got the last word, oh, Death?
Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?
June 26, 2012
where the Spirit of the Lord is...
I was thinking of alternate titles for this post, and the other one that seemed to fit best was: freedom, my grandma & my pregnancy... so that will be my other working title :)
I am officially in the middle of my 5th month of pregnancy, on Thursday I will officially be 21 weeks. We have had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, which was amazing (and I am fortunate enough to get a second one next week - the baby wouldn't cooperate & give us some good pictures of their heart, so we had a second ultrasound scheduled 2 weeks later in hopes that this baby will move from it's current breech position). We have set up the nursery, gender specific. We have had a "gender reveal" party to those we are telling (our parents & siblings only). I have felt the baby move, my cats have a weird 6th sense that they know I'm pregnant (I'm convinced of this, and reading things on the internet confirms that other cats are acting the exact same way mine are to their pregnant owners). We are practicing calling the baby by it's potential name and we are spending time talking about the baby and praying for this baby.
so, the connection to the second title of my blog post is because of this. My pregnancy has made me miss my grandma so much more. I am feeling the loss of not being able to tell her I'm pregnant and to have her call me to get updates. I am feeling the sadness of knowing my baby will never be held by their omi, who had the world's perfect legs for baby holding, since they were so long! Everett used to lay out completely on grandma's legs. If I did that.. the baby's head would be hanging off the end of my legs! I miss so much about my grandma.
Today I was caught up in a bittersweet memory of an experience that only I had. When my grandma was sick, very sick at the end especially, I used to bring my guitar either to the hospital or to her condo, and sit and play for her & sing while she either slept or just listened. I only really sang worship songs and hymns, and at certain parts, grandma would say "yes" or just nod along and smile. today at my piano I sat down & flipped to a random spot in my song binder and came across this one that swept me back into this memory
Freedom:
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
freedom reigns in this place
showers of mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
Jesus reigns in this place
showers his mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
I remember sitting on the chair beside my grandma's hospital bed and singing this song. I remember her with her eyes closed and saying "yes" many times in this song. I remember her praying, thanking God for another day of grace and for his freedom. I remember her lifting her eyes to heaven and longing for more of Jesus. I remember how she lived in his freedom and exhibited his grace and love. I remember her and I so badly wish that one day my baby could learn these things from watching grandma.
I am thankful for these memories, and for the example of my grandma. I am also thankful for this freedom, these showers of mercy and grace that are falling...
falling on every face, there is freedom.
I am officially in the middle of my 5th month of pregnancy, on Thursday I will officially be 21 weeks. We have had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, which was amazing (and I am fortunate enough to get a second one next week - the baby wouldn't cooperate & give us some good pictures of their heart, so we had a second ultrasound scheduled 2 weeks later in hopes that this baby will move from it's current breech position). We have set up the nursery, gender specific. We have had a "gender reveal" party to those we are telling (our parents & siblings only). I have felt the baby move, my cats have a weird 6th sense that they know I'm pregnant (I'm convinced of this, and reading things on the internet confirms that other cats are acting the exact same way mine are to their pregnant owners). We are practicing calling the baby by it's potential name and we are spending time talking about the baby and praying for this baby.
so, the connection to the second title of my blog post is because of this. My pregnancy has made me miss my grandma so much more. I am feeling the loss of not being able to tell her I'm pregnant and to have her call me to get updates. I am feeling the sadness of knowing my baby will never be held by their omi, who had the world's perfect legs for baby holding, since they were so long! Everett used to lay out completely on grandma's legs. If I did that.. the baby's head would be hanging off the end of my legs! I miss so much about my grandma.
Today I was caught up in a bittersweet memory of an experience that only I had. When my grandma was sick, very sick at the end especially, I used to bring my guitar either to the hospital or to her condo, and sit and play for her & sing while she either slept or just listened. I only really sang worship songs and hymns, and at certain parts, grandma would say "yes" or just nod along and smile. today at my piano I sat down & flipped to a random spot in my song binder and came across this one that swept me back into this memory
Freedom:
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
freedom reigns in this place
showers of mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
Jesus reigns in this place
showers his mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
I remember sitting on the chair beside my grandma's hospital bed and singing this song. I remember her with her eyes closed and saying "yes" many times in this song. I remember her praying, thanking God for another day of grace and for his freedom. I remember her lifting her eyes to heaven and longing for more of Jesus. I remember how she lived in his freedom and exhibited his grace and love. I remember her and I so badly wish that one day my baby could learn these things from watching grandma.
I am thankful for these memories, and for the example of my grandma. I am also thankful for this freedom, these showers of mercy and grace that are falling...
falling on every face, there is freedom.
June 15, 2012
a few words
what a whirlwind of a week since last week Thursday.
Last thursday at 5:30pm I left Winnipeg with both of my mom's and my sister Phoebe for a 14 hour, thru the night, road trip to Calgary. Let me tell you, doing that.. is not a GREAT idea if you are pregnant. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom almost immediately after a bathroom stop, so on the way home I deprived myself of water which resulted in a severely dizzy and nauseated self. Live and learn. So the drive wasn't the best thing in the world BUT the company was great, and the purpose for the trip - a Beth Moore Living Proof Live conference - was well worth it. I still have to sit with my notes purposefully and really digest the things that she was talking about.
Beth Moore made a couple of points that really resonated with me (well more than a couple) but two that have stood out more in my mind without purposefully going back to my notes to think on it. The first is about when God gives us a "word" - basically when you're at church, or reading your bible or in conversation and all of a sudden you have an "aha!" moment of sorts where you think to yourself, "wow God, that was said just for me." Have you ever had a Sunday morning where the Pastor's sermon seems so perfectly catered to you and where you're at that you almost feel like saying "ok, everyone can go home because this sermon is obviously for ME!"? Well that is what she meant by a "word". Anyway, she talked about how if we don't guard that word, and make an effort to really let it plant itself deeper in our hearts and minds, that the bird of prey is just waiting to devour it. And before you know it, the bird of prey will sweep down and snatch up your word before you even realize it, or think twice about it. And then it's gone. So from that.. the importance of guarding the things God gives us. More digesting of that will happen, but I wanted to put it out there that it resonated with me before the bird of prey even stole that little aha!
The second one was the reality of Satan and his power. She talked about the fact that Satan's goal in this world is to try and copy everything that God is doing. In Genesis (and other times in the bible) it talks about God walking the earth. Later in the bible (job 1:7) it says this: 7 “Where have you come from?” the Lord asked Satan.
Satan answered the Lord, “I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on."
Satan is also walking the earth. He tries to replicate what God does and deceive us. Beth talked about how in the Bible Satan is described as a roaring lion looking to devour. So often I think we forget the fact that Satan has power. Of course he is no where near as powerful as God, but he is powerful. And he is crafty. And he is working over time. Beth talked about how Satan is constantly working to be right in our face, right in our way. The reality of his menacing presence was made more aware to me when she said "He is so close, you can feel his mane on your neck, feel his breath on your face, hear his growl in your ear." But even better than that, the reality of God's supreme power was made even more aware to me when Beth talked about us taking our ground back, giving God the glory and power, and the fact that when we do that, when we acknowledge God's supremity in our lives - Satan is forced to watch. He has no choice but to see us throw it back in his face. He may be strong, but in the end, he is not victorious. How awesome is that??
So yes, there is a lot to digest still, but those were my two initial things that really resonated with me.
Since being back, the week has been full, a lot of going and coming. We made some progress on our basement renovations, even got the treadmill & tv set up again in the basement. We also set up our first piece of nursery furniture, and moved most of the stuff out of the guestroom, which will soon be the nursery. Things are coming along!!
I just realized that I started this post with the intention of it going in a completely different direction.. so, there is likely to be a second post today. Part of the result of a busy week I suppose :)
Last thursday at 5:30pm I left Winnipeg with both of my mom's and my sister Phoebe for a 14 hour, thru the night, road trip to Calgary. Let me tell you, doing that.. is not a GREAT idea if you are pregnant. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom almost immediately after a bathroom stop, so on the way home I deprived myself of water which resulted in a severely dizzy and nauseated self. Live and learn. So the drive wasn't the best thing in the world BUT the company was great, and the purpose for the trip - a Beth Moore Living Proof Live conference - was well worth it. I still have to sit with my notes purposefully and really digest the things that she was talking about.
Beth Moore made a couple of points that really resonated with me (well more than a couple) but two that have stood out more in my mind without purposefully going back to my notes to think on it. The first is about when God gives us a "word" - basically when you're at church, or reading your bible or in conversation and all of a sudden you have an "aha!" moment of sorts where you think to yourself, "wow God, that was said just for me." Have you ever had a Sunday morning where the Pastor's sermon seems so perfectly catered to you and where you're at that you almost feel like saying "ok, everyone can go home because this sermon is obviously for ME!"? Well that is what she meant by a "word". Anyway, she talked about how if we don't guard that word, and make an effort to really let it plant itself deeper in our hearts and minds, that the bird of prey is just waiting to devour it. And before you know it, the bird of prey will sweep down and snatch up your word before you even realize it, or think twice about it. And then it's gone. So from that.. the importance of guarding the things God gives us. More digesting of that will happen, but I wanted to put it out there that it resonated with me before the bird of prey even stole that little aha!
The second one was the reality of Satan and his power. She talked about the fact that Satan's goal in this world is to try and copy everything that God is doing. In Genesis (and other times in the bible) it talks about God walking the earth. Later in the bible (job 1:7) it says this: 7 “Where have you come from?” the Lord asked Satan.
Satan answered the Lord, “I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on."
Satan is also walking the earth. He tries to replicate what God does and deceive us. Beth talked about how in the Bible Satan is described as a roaring lion looking to devour. So often I think we forget the fact that Satan has power. Of course he is no where near as powerful as God, but he is powerful. And he is crafty. And he is working over time. Beth talked about how Satan is constantly working to be right in our face, right in our way. The reality of his menacing presence was made more aware to me when she said "He is so close, you can feel his mane on your neck, feel his breath on your face, hear his growl in your ear." But even better than that, the reality of God's supreme power was made even more aware to me when Beth talked about us taking our ground back, giving God the glory and power, and the fact that when we do that, when we acknowledge God's supremity in our lives - Satan is forced to watch. He has no choice but to see us throw it back in his face. He may be strong, but in the end, he is not victorious. How awesome is that??
So yes, there is a lot to digest still, but those were my two initial things that really resonated with me.
Since being back, the week has been full, a lot of going and coming. We made some progress on our basement renovations, even got the treadmill & tv set up again in the basement. We also set up our first piece of nursery furniture, and moved most of the stuff out of the guestroom, which will soon be the nursery. Things are coming along!!
I just realized that I started this post with the intention of it going in a completely different direction.. so, there is likely to be a second post today. Part of the result of a busy week I suppose :)
May 27, 2012
a friend in all kinds of weather
I seem to be a fair-weather friend to writing.
I write when I need to, when I want to, and I don't write if I am busy or preoccupied or tired.
As far as blogging is concerned, that's really ok. I don't have to write on here, I do so because it's a creative outlet for me, and since I like reading the blogs of friends of mine, I figure why not write on here as I feel like it.
However, I feel like I am not writing enough in general. I used to want to be an author just because I loved putting words together and loved how it felt & sounded to type. I love the click-clack of a typewriter and even a keyboard. (one "downside" of macs - in my opinion - is the virtually silent keyboard. Didn't they know of my love for the click-clackiness of it, and consider that before catering to most peoples preferences?! ha) I would never pursue being a writer for the same reasons I would never pursue being a photographer (and I also think partially why I decided to not pursue the job in music that I went to school for). Just because you love something doesn't mean it's the right fit for a job. (Which, I should clarify doesn't mean you shouldn't love your job. I am a secretary and love it!)
With photography and writing and music I do it because I love it.
Having a career in it, for me, would demand things to happen a certain way, on a certain schedule, with certain amounts (or in HUGE amounts.. in my mind) of pressure. And my creative side does not thrive under those conditions. My creativity, much like the rest of my personality is stubborn to the core.
So I photograph for fun, but would never do a wedding, or something that can't be "redone". Not because I don't think I could do it, but because it takes some of the fun out and replaces it with pressure to be a certain way.
With music, I decided not to pursue music therapy (for many reasons) and to just sing, play piano and play the guitar for the love of it, and for fun, and in worship.
And with writing.. I love to write as it comes to mind. To open up the page in my journal, to take out a sheet of looseleaf, to open to the composing page on my blog and just start writing.. see where it takes me. Sometimes I have a topic or point in mind, but other times, the times I feel most like I'm writing just as myself, it just comes on its own.
But writing for me also helps me with my prayer life, and in that way, I would like to become less of a fair weather friend, and more of a companion. I do also pray without writing it down, but there is also something unique about prayer thru writing.
One of my favourite things to do occasionally when I write out my prayers is to just start writing without formulating my thoughts first. Sometimes I am surprised (not sure if that's totally the right word) to re-read it when I'm done writing and see the conversation that was going on between God & I. Sometimes my writing is not in first person, and it's like God doing the writing.
It seems the busier I get, the less time I make for things like that. And shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't that be the first thing I go to, and put other, non-important things to the side? I'm a work in progress.. so I'm learning.
so here's to writing, to conversations and to creativity. It is good to just let myself be me.
I write when I need to, when I want to, and I don't write if I am busy or preoccupied or tired.
As far as blogging is concerned, that's really ok. I don't have to write on here, I do so because it's a creative outlet for me, and since I like reading the blogs of friends of mine, I figure why not write on here as I feel like it.
However, I feel like I am not writing enough in general. I used to want to be an author just because I loved putting words together and loved how it felt & sounded to type. I love the click-clack of a typewriter and even a keyboard. (one "downside" of macs - in my opinion - is the virtually silent keyboard. Didn't they know of my love for the click-clackiness of it, and consider that before catering to most peoples preferences?! ha) I would never pursue being a writer for the same reasons I would never pursue being a photographer (and I also think partially why I decided to not pursue the job in music that I went to school for). Just because you love something doesn't mean it's the right fit for a job. (Which, I should clarify doesn't mean you shouldn't love your job. I am a secretary and love it!)
With photography and writing and music I do it because I love it.
Having a career in it, for me, would demand things to happen a certain way, on a certain schedule, with certain amounts (or in HUGE amounts.. in my mind) of pressure. And my creative side does not thrive under those conditions. My creativity, much like the rest of my personality is stubborn to the core.
So I photograph for fun, but would never do a wedding, or something that can't be "redone". Not because I don't think I could do it, but because it takes some of the fun out and replaces it with pressure to be a certain way.
With music, I decided not to pursue music therapy (for many reasons) and to just sing, play piano and play the guitar for the love of it, and for fun, and in worship.
And with writing.. I love to write as it comes to mind. To open up the page in my journal, to take out a sheet of looseleaf, to open to the composing page on my blog and just start writing.. see where it takes me. Sometimes I have a topic or point in mind, but other times, the times I feel most like I'm writing just as myself, it just comes on its own.
But writing for me also helps me with my prayer life, and in that way, I would like to become less of a fair weather friend, and more of a companion. I do also pray without writing it down, but there is also something unique about prayer thru writing.
One of my favourite things to do occasionally when I write out my prayers is to just start writing without formulating my thoughts first. Sometimes I am surprised (not sure if that's totally the right word) to re-read it when I'm done writing and see the conversation that was going on between God & I. Sometimes my writing is not in first person, and it's like God doing the writing.
It seems the busier I get, the less time I make for things like that. And shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't that be the first thing I go to, and put other, non-important things to the side? I'm a work in progress.. so I'm learning.
so here's to writing, to conversations and to creativity. It is good to just let myself be me.
February 8, 2012
mystery
I have been thinking a lot about my "testimony" lately
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.
My faith journey could really be divided into 2 major life sections thus far. From age 5-23 and 23 & on (I'm almost 27, so basically 4 years). I had the amazing blessing of being born into a very God centred family and home. Both my parents & both sets of grandparents were very visible examples of a life of faith. In elementary school I went to public school and didn't find it strange that some of my friends weren't Christians, it was just who I was. I started singing in the Winnipeg Mennonite Children's Choir when I was 9 and Mrs. Litz's first lesson every year is to teach us the song "God is my Song"
There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
there are so few times in life when you really get asked to sit down and tell your whole faith story
When I was younger there were more chances - when I first got baptized and times at camps or retreats.
When I did youth group we regularly did "God talks" as leaders, which included sharing something about our faith journey with our youth kids, and I especially got these opportunities in our small groups.
As an adult I have been asked less - don't get me wrong, I still have opportunities to share my story in small bits, and I'm not actually dying to stand in front of a large group and talk.
When we started our caregroup about 3 years ago we also shared our testimonies to get to know one another on a deeper level.
I started thinking about it because we have been going to our new church (Kilcona) for a year now (time flies) and it is feeling more and more like HOME to us. I have gone alone without Michael - which was a big step for me. When I started feeling more and more disconnected from my previous church home (my church home of 26 years!) I was afraid to go alone. There was one Sunday that Michael was on worship team so we went early so he could practice and I stood in the foyer and realized it wasn't my home anymore. This was based on circumstances and experiences of our own - I am not in anyway putting down that church! There are still tons of people that we love there, and the reality is, it just was time for us to get a fresh start. It was just a huge struggle for me as I realized I was a stranger in what used to be very familiar territory for me.
Attending a new church was hard at first, but we have instantly felt welcomed at Kilcona. It also helps that we have a community there now, with my brother & sister (and my nephews) as well as 2 other couples that we are becoming better friends with all the time.
They have been announcing membership classes at Kilcona recently, and although I'm not sure we're there quite yet this time around I have started thinking about what I would say if asked to do my testimony when deciding to become members of our new church. I always love hearing testimonies. I love hearing stories of transformation, both radical & subtle. I love hearing stories of God's faithfulness in someones life whether that is over a relatively "easy" life, or one full of huge mountains and valleys. I love hearing why people are passionate about Jesus, and about the church.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that for me to be very honest about my story I have to keep it simple.
God is my song, in strength he reigns victorious.
High is his name, and all his works are glorious.
Earth, sea, and heaven to him belong.
She was a huge part of my life, and helped me realize that we are given gifts in life to glorify God, so thats how we should use them. So, singing in choir & at church has always been a huge part of my identity & faith walk ever since. I was also always involved in youth group, bible studies, prayer groups, missions trips and so on. After high school I went on the Outtatown program which stretched my faith because it dragged me out of my comfort zone (with some kicking and screaming if I am being honest). On Outtatown I re-evaluated my use of singing as my main connection with God, feeling like I had just started singing the words without any meaning. I didn't sing for 3 months until I had really worked through some pride & obstacles, and could finally sing fully in honesty.There weren't that many major struggles in my life that caused me to question or challenge God. Until 2008 when our family was rocked to our cores. I still remember exactly where I was when my mom called to tell me that my first nephew was just delivered but he wasn't breathing. I remember walking to tell my co-worker and stumbling through a fog. I remember yelling at the gas station attendant when he asked me why I was having such a terrible day. I remember feeling total & complete loss & what felt like abandonment. I remember holding the most perfect little baby boy and praying silently through tears that God would show up. I remember sitting in front of the computer listening to the song "lost" over and over again
If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you
My hands are longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
(** I realize this song is likely about a man/woman relationship, but the idea of being lost just fit how I was feeling, and no other song felt quite right that night)
My faith was shaken in a way that I didn't expect it could be. I would cry all the time, and it was very lonely. People who were well meaning would say things that felt like they were punching me in the gut. Things about God's timing. God not giving us more than we can handle. God working out all things for his purpose. Extreme grief isn't something that can be fixed with simple faith solutions, and that was really hard for me. I had to re-evaluate things because I realized that for me, faith was pretty easy because I didn't have anything really challenging it. (for the record: I don't think God did this to us, especially not to teach us something. I think that our world is not perfect and death is a painfully bitter reality of it. But I do believe that God redeems pain.)
When I had no words to pray or to explain to people I would just sing alone, or play the piano. A friend of mine & I put together a worship night of songs around the theme of lament at one point, and those songs were often my prayers.
Here is where the "keep it simple" part comes in. One of the songs became the reconnection for me, of my faith before we lost Jay, and my ongoing faith now. It is called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall:
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of Heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation, held out to drink
Jesus, mystery
Christ has died and Christ is risen
Christ will come again
Celebrate His death & rising
Lift your eyes, proclaim His coming
Celebrate His death & rising
Lift your eyes, lift your eyes!
That was it. As simple as that. When all else feels like it fails me, when people say the wrong thing, when I stop feeling at home somewhere, when everything is crumbling (or so it feels) there is one truth. One solid thing to hold onto.
Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again.
My faith in some ways is new, because I have had to rely on God in ways I never did before. But in other ways, at the core, I still hold true to the one truth that is Jesus that I have always known. Things are not magically "easy" now, I am still full of struggle & times of doubt & other trials. I still have to keep my mind as centred on Christ as possible or I can have times where I'm overwhelmed with grief & our loss. I could try to explain my faith in fancy ways now, but it is basically all about that one truth - trying to live life in light of that, with constant hope & expectation and total faith in Jesus. The key words: trust & trying. and holding onto one simple truth.
November 10, 2011
food for thought.
i have been thinking a lot lately about how we approach, read & "accept" the bible
do we take it at face value?
do we interpret it?
do we pick & choose what to believe?
do we pick & choose what is "literal" and what is "symbolic" or a "suggestion"?
I am taking a course at CMU this semester called "The Problem of Evil in a Biblical Perspective" but really it should be called, the "class of questions, debates and opinions" and that is both a good thing and a frustrating thing. I realize that it is quite hard to definite terms like "evil" because it can be quite subjective, also, some things don't seem "evil" when compared to something else that is much worse. Also, there are so many different circumstances, situations and opinions to consider. For me, what ever is not from God is evil. God created EVERYTHING. but sin.. that is not God. But then we run into the question, well, what defines SIN. it is strange how something can be so simple yet so complicated.
I think it is good to learn things, and to have debates and to experience things that challenge your faith. it helps make it stronger and helps me to really figure out exactly what I believe. But, at the same time, I really struggle when having conversations with other Christians, who take the bible to mean something totally different than I do. For example, I realized this week (in more than one situation) that people believe that Genesis is a myth. a nice story, but not truth. and not only that, but some people also think that Job is a myth and that Jonah is a myth. what? that just doesn't sit right with me.
genesis starts with "in the beginning" it doesn't start with "heres a nice story" or "once upon a time". This is God's word, and if we can pick and choose which books of the bible are "true" and which are "myths", then what makes us think that any of it is true?
my teacher explained in class that in some ways, Genesis is a "myth" (to which my jaw dropped open and I was already mentally preparing my email to the advisory board at the school..) but then he went on. In a "literary" way, yes, Genesis is a myth. Because a "myth" used to mean a story that was used to make a point, as in, the point was God created everything, but Genesis doesn't include a detailed time line (for instance, how long was adam in the garden before he actually met Eve? how long did it take him to name all the animals? how many years passed before A & E ate the apple? where did the other people come from - cain's wife - etc.) the details aren't the important part. so yes, in a literary term, Genesis can fall under the category of myth. But, now a days, myth is used for "mythology" or stories, or untrue fables. and some people are lumping that together with how they view Genesis. I just really struggle with all of that from other Christians. We are reading the same book, we are serving the same God... how do we come to such a different conclusion?
I also had a conversation with a girl named Kat this week.. and she & I began talking about Genesis (through no prompting of my own.. seems like God has just been bringing it all up in different conversations around me) and she made a point that I had never thought about before. In genesis it says that God took Adam and placed him in the garden, to work in it and care for it. But, "working" in that sense was not the same as the way we "work" now (one of the differences since the fall). Kat pointed out to me that Adam was in charge of tending to this place of meeting, this holy sanctuary so to speak. Adam was in charge of caring for it, because that is where God came and met with him. Not only met with him, but WALKED with him through the garden. God put Adam there to care for their meeting place, their hang out. how cool, that Adam has such an intimate relationship with God - they just hung out together! I love it. And, through my own experience of relationship with God.. and how real it is, it makes it even harder for me to believe that God "made up" those intimate relationships with Adam and Job.
Food for thought I suppose...
do we take it at face value?
do we interpret it?
do we pick & choose what to believe?
do we pick & choose what is "literal" and what is "symbolic" or a "suggestion"?
I am taking a course at CMU this semester called "The Problem of Evil in a Biblical Perspective" but really it should be called, the "class of questions, debates and opinions" and that is both a good thing and a frustrating thing. I realize that it is quite hard to definite terms like "evil" because it can be quite subjective, also, some things don't seem "evil" when compared to something else that is much worse. Also, there are so many different circumstances, situations and opinions to consider. For me, what ever is not from God is evil. God created EVERYTHING. but sin.. that is not God. But then we run into the question, well, what defines SIN. it is strange how something can be so simple yet so complicated.
I think it is good to learn things, and to have debates and to experience things that challenge your faith. it helps make it stronger and helps me to really figure out exactly what I believe. But, at the same time, I really struggle when having conversations with other Christians, who take the bible to mean something totally different than I do. For example, I realized this week (in more than one situation) that people believe that Genesis is a myth. a nice story, but not truth. and not only that, but some people also think that Job is a myth and that Jonah is a myth. what? that just doesn't sit right with me.
genesis starts with "in the beginning" it doesn't start with "heres a nice story" or "once upon a time". This is God's word, and if we can pick and choose which books of the bible are "true" and which are "myths", then what makes us think that any of it is true?
my teacher explained in class that in some ways, Genesis is a "myth" (to which my jaw dropped open and I was already mentally preparing my email to the advisory board at the school..) but then he went on. In a "literary" way, yes, Genesis is a myth. Because a "myth" used to mean a story that was used to make a point, as in, the point was God created everything, but Genesis doesn't include a detailed time line (for instance, how long was adam in the garden before he actually met Eve? how long did it take him to name all the animals? how many years passed before A & E ate the apple? where did the other people come from - cain's wife - etc.) the details aren't the important part. so yes, in a literary term, Genesis can fall under the category of myth. But, now a days, myth is used for "mythology" or stories, or untrue fables. and some people are lumping that together with how they view Genesis. I just really struggle with all of that from other Christians. We are reading the same book, we are serving the same God... how do we come to such a different conclusion?
I also had a conversation with a girl named Kat this week.. and she & I began talking about Genesis (through no prompting of my own.. seems like God has just been bringing it all up in different conversations around me) and she made a point that I had never thought about before. In genesis it says that God took Adam and placed him in the garden, to work in it and care for it. But, "working" in that sense was not the same as the way we "work" now (one of the differences since the fall). Kat pointed out to me that Adam was in charge of tending to this place of meeting, this holy sanctuary so to speak. Adam was in charge of caring for it, because that is where God came and met with him. Not only met with him, but WALKED with him through the garden. God put Adam there to care for their meeting place, their hang out. how cool, that Adam has such an intimate relationship with God - they just hung out together! I love it. And, through my own experience of relationship with God.. and how real it is, it makes it even harder for me to believe that God "made up" those intimate relationships with Adam and Job.
Food for thought I suppose...
October 27, 2011
OK
OK - stands for 2 things in this post
Olga Klassen - my most wonderful grandma, who I miss constantly and am so thankful for.
and OK - is how I'm doing, today it has been one year without her, and it feels like it was just yesterday and also like it has been much longer.
i keep a picture of her hands in my office at work. they were so representative of who she is.
they were calloused from a lot of hard work. they were strong. they were used to make endless meals and buns "something to bite" (as grandpa always said..) for her family. they were serving. they were loving. they were constantly folded in prayer & thanksgiving.
one thing i really miss is how she used to hold my hand when i was telling her something serious or hard. there is so much i wish i could be telling her now. but, one thing i have no regret about, is that i have NO DOUBT that my grandma knew how much i loved her. and i know it was mutual.
here is the slide show my auntie made for grandma's funeral. watch it if you have a minute, and see a little glimpse into the life of my wonderful grandma
Olga Klassen - my most wonderful grandma, who I miss constantly and am so thankful for.
and OK - is how I'm doing, today it has been one year without her, and it feels like it was just yesterday and also like it has been much longer.
i keep a picture of her hands in my office at work. they were so representative of who she is.
they were calloused from a lot of hard work. they were strong. they were used to make endless meals and buns "something to bite" (as grandpa always said..) for her family. they were serving. they were loving. they were constantly folded in prayer & thanksgiving.
one thing i really miss is how she used to hold my hand when i was telling her something serious or hard. there is so much i wish i could be telling her now. but, one thing i have no regret about, is that i have NO DOUBT that my grandma knew how much i loved her. and i know it was mutual.
here is the slide show my auntie made for grandma's funeral. watch it if you have a minute, and see a little glimpse into the life of my wonderful grandma
October 9, 2011
thanksgiving
for anyone wishing they had made their own thanksgiving dinner... I put up a new post on my recipe blog, outlining the whole dinner, start to finish. you can read that here.
i have had a lot on my mind lately, I often get nostalgic around holidays, and more introspective when i'm busy (which is the case right now with being in school and working) I have also been a lot more emotional (I am off my anti-depressants and have found that the tears flow a lot more frequently, and easily. but i'm ok with that right now)
This morning in church there were so many songs that brought me to tears. i think it's also because i am becoming more aware of the holy spirit and the way that he speaks to us and nudges us - i'm doing a bible study with a few girls on the fruit of the spirit and the first two weeks have had a good focus on the Holy Spirit in general, and ways that the Holy Spirit works, etc, so I have been thinking about this a lot more. Instead of a sermon this morning, the elders of the church lead a lot of sharing time, and people were able to stand up and share what they were thankful for. I have a lot to be thankful for...
my husband, 2 wonderful families, 2 nephews and another baby on the way for me to be an auntie to, a new & welcoming church family, a house that i feel warm & comfortable in, 2 cats that keep me company and make me laugh, many friends - both here and far (bc, ontario & alaska specifically), a legacy of faith within my family and especially from the examples of my grandparents, luxuries like a nice car and a bank account that is never completely empty, the freedom to vote, to worship, to have an opinion (thank goodness or I'd be in a lot of trouble most of the time! ha ha), a love for worship and a voice that I can use in that way, a plot of land that will soon have a new home beside 2 of our best friends - josh & leah, health, a lot of laughter, the chance to go back to school & graduate this year, good jobs (that we love) and the "abundance & faithfulness of christ" (as someone put it this morning in church). and so much more, i could write for days and not be done.. which reminds me of one of my favourite lines in my favourite hymn -
"could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made. were every stalk on earth a quill and everyone a scribe by trade - to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry, nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky... the love of God - how rich and pure, how measureless & strong. it shall forever more endure the saints & angels song"
my heart is filled to overflowing with thanks!
October 2, 2011
reign in us
this morning at kilcona we sang a song that is still fairly new to me, but i just love it
it's called "reign in us" by starfield
pastor bruce is starting a series on the abundant life, (abundant giving, abundant joy and abundant freedom are 3 parts of the series) and the contrast to that of the desires of satan on our lives to steal, kill and destroy - and satan is playing for keeps.
i've always loved the fact that Jesus came to give us a full abundant life. a life to over flowing. bruce made a light hearted comment about people who love coke.. that if you over fill your cup and it spills over, you slurp it off the counter because you don't want to miss any of it. imagine a life like that, where it is so over full of joy and freedom that you are slurping up every last bit rather than sitting idly by, somewhat satisfied with whatever is filling you up.
we sang the song i mentioned earlier, reign in us, this morning during worship, and there were a few lines that just stuck with me
with one desire we come, that you would reign in us
and
we cry out for your life to revive us
cry out for your love to define us
is that how i'm living? with that desire, for that revival and definition? i so want that. but am i daily seeking that abundant life that is offered to me?
i had the privilege of spending the day with some friends & family, everett included
my mom and i have talked many times about how watching everett makes us understand why God says "let the little children come" - ev knows how to live an abundant life. with no inhibitions he shows his excitement, his wonder, his curiosity, his freedom, and it is contagious to be around him.
we spent the day at a bizarre pumpkin patch, you'd have to see it yourself to understand it, but, as my sister said later, the redeeming factor was how much Everett enjoyed it. the way he enjoys so many things, with eyes wide open.
can you imagine how overwhelmingly wonderfully abundant the life is that God wants for me, for you? and it comes when we just simply ask him to reign. but it has to be daily.. and i'm working on it. i'm really looking forward to this series.
here are the rest of the lyrics to that song:
You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from you
and how desperately we need to be redeemed
lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for your touch
Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that you would reign in us
Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and puify our lives
we need your perfect love we need your discipline
we're lost unless you guide us with your light
lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for your touch
Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we cry out for your life to revive us cry out
for your love to define us cry out
for your mercy to keep us
blameless until you return
oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that you would reign that you would reign in us
it's called "reign in us" by starfield
pastor bruce is starting a series on the abundant life, (abundant giving, abundant joy and abundant freedom are 3 parts of the series) and the contrast to that of the desires of satan on our lives to steal, kill and destroy - and satan is playing for keeps.
i've always loved the fact that Jesus came to give us a full abundant life. a life to over flowing. bruce made a light hearted comment about people who love coke.. that if you over fill your cup and it spills over, you slurp it off the counter because you don't want to miss any of it. imagine a life like that, where it is so over full of joy and freedom that you are slurping up every last bit rather than sitting idly by, somewhat satisfied with whatever is filling you up.
we sang the song i mentioned earlier, reign in us, this morning during worship, and there were a few lines that just stuck with me
with one desire we come, that you would reign in us
and
we cry out for your life to revive us
cry out for your love to define us
is that how i'm living? with that desire, for that revival and definition? i so want that. but am i daily seeking that abundant life that is offered to me?
i had the privilege of spending the day with some friends & family, everett included
my mom and i have talked many times about how watching everett makes us understand why God says "let the little children come" - ev knows how to live an abundant life. with no inhibitions he shows his excitement, his wonder, his curiosity, his freedom, and it is contagious to be around him.
can you imagine how overwhelmingly wonderfully abundant the life is that God wants for me, for you? and it comes when we just simply ask him to reign. but it has to be daily.. and i'm working on it. i'm really looking forward to this series.
here are the rest of the lyrics to that song:
You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from you
and how desperately we need to be redeemed
lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for your touch
Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that you would reign in us
Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and puify our lives
we need your perfect love we need your discipline
we're lost unless you guide us with your light
lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for your touch
Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that you would reign that you would reign in us
we cry out for your life to revive us cry out
for your love to define us cry out
for your mercy to keep us
blameless until you return
oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that you would reign that you would reign in us
September 27, 2011
colors of autumn
waking up this morning i was just amazed at the colors i could see out my window
the tree in my front yard has taken on this beautiful Ombré effect of green to yellow
one side gets more sun, and it is just neat to see how it is so different on each side
then driving to work i was just in awe of the trees that have changed to a vibrant yellow
and a few red ones thrown into the mix
i just love autumn.
when other things in life aren't so sure
or aren't going as well or "beautifully" as we'd like
i think God makes us that much more aware of the simple beauty of his creation
he never turns his back on us.
the tree in my front yard has taken on this beautiful Ombré effect of green to yellow
one side gets more sun, and it is just neat to see how it is so different on each side
then driving to work i was just in awe of the trees that have changed to a vibrant yellow
and a few red ones thrown into the mix
i just love autumn.
when other things in life aren't so sure
or aren't going as well or "beautifully" as we'd like
i think God makes us that much more aware of the simple beauty of his creation
he never turns his back on us.
September 14, 2011
for strength to trust Him more.
today my head and heart feel a bit conflicted
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".
today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.
this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.
on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.
happy birthday cameron. you are loved!
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".
today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.
this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.
happy birthday cameron. you are loved!
August 19, 2011
waves, rainbows and Dads
last weekend at the cabin i had a wonderful time of relaxation, rest and fun
i did a lot of reading and chatting
house planning and thinking
and in between, we went for a few boat rides
my parent's friends were out, and we asked them if they had been to devil's island before
it's this little island a short boat ride from where we normally boat around
it is an awfully sad looking place
it has been overtaken by birds
the island is covered in birds and bird poop
the trees have no leaves
and it looks totally forgotten
it was fairly windy that day
and as we started driving out there the waves were getting choppy
it was fairly noisy due to the wind, the boat motor and the waves
so i sat at the back of the boat, looking over the water and lost in thought
i started to pray for people as they came to my mind
praying for a dear friend of mine who is struggling with a church transition
and the hurt & miscommunication that can come from such a change
i was thinking about our own journey and how good it feels to feel like we've found a new place to settle into - although, over the summer, we don't attend much anywhere.. so it'll feel different once we are there in the fall.
at this point, we reached devil's island and took it all in
we couldn't get as close as we would've liked because the waves were a little too wild
and i have been out there once (with my uncle) when it really started storming, and it wasn't fun! so my dad turned the boat around
as we went through the waves, we were all getting wet
the water was splashing up high against the boat and i started thinking to myself how i likely should be afraid, but i wasn't, because my dad was driving
i trust my dad 150%!
he is wise, and cautious. he has experience and puts everyones needs ahead of his own.
he has shown me over my 26 years why i would be silly not to trust him
at this point, i looked down at the side of the boat and there was the most vivid and bright rainbow in the water, from the way it was spraying, right where i was sitting, there was a perfect rainbow.
i looked around the boat and i couldn't see it anywhere else, just beside me
and i got this shiver, a God moment, or a "kiss" as my mom calls it
it was like i realized all over again the idea of God as father
i have been so blessed to have a dad that has made it so clear for me to understand the love of God as FATHER.
this rainbow to me felt like God saying to me, 'just like you trust your dad in a situation like this, with the waves crashing.. that is how you can trust me in everything!" church transition, grief, stress, storms, every day situations.. anything.
it was a very cool moment for me, and before i knew it, we were back on shore.
i have a great Dad, and a great Father God :)
i did a lot of reading and chatting
house planning and thinking
and in between, we went for a few boat rides
my parent's friends were out, and we asked them if they had been to devil's island before
it's this little island a short boat ride from where we normally boat around
it is an awfully sad looking place
it has been overtaken by birds
the island is covered in birds and bird poop
the trees have no leaves
and it looks totally forgotten
it was fairly windy that day
and as we started driving out there the waves were getting choppy
it was fairly noisy due to the wind, the boat motor and the waves
so i sat at the back of the boat, looking over the water and lost in thought
i started to pray for people as they came to my mind
praying for a dear friend of mine who is struggling with a church transition
and the hurt & miscommunication that can come from such a change
i was thinking about our own journey and how good it feels to feel like we've found a new place to settle into - although, over the summer, we don't attend much anywhere.. so it'll feel different once we are there in the fall.
at this point, we reached devil's island and took it all in
we couldn't get as close as we would've liked because the waves were a little too wild
and i have been out there once (with my uncle) when it really started storming, and it wasn't fun! so my dad turned the boat around
as we went through the waves, we were all getting wet
the water was splashing up high against the boat and i started thinking to myself how i likely should be afraid, but i wasn't, because my dad was driving
i trust my dad 150%!
he is wise, and cautious. he has experience and puts everyones needs ahead of his own.
he has shown me over my 26 years why i would be silly not to trust him
at this point, i looked down at the side of the boat and there was the most vivid and bright rainbow in the water, from the way it was spraying, right where i was sitting, there was a perfect rainbow.
i looked around the boat and i couldn't see it anywhere else, just beside me
and i got this shiver, a God moment, or a "kiss" as my mom calls it
it was like i realized all over again the idea of God as father
i have been so blessed to have a dad that has made it so clear for me to understand the love of God as FATHER.
this rainbow to me felt like God saying to me, 'just like you trust your dad in a situation like this, with the waves crashing.. that is how you can trust me in everything!" church transition, grief, stress, storms, every day situations.. anything.
it was a very cool moment for me, and before i knew it, we were back on shore.
i have a great Dad, and a great Father God :)
this is one of my favourite pictures from my wedding day - i had just come back from the hair dresser. i stood with my dad looking over the back yard. we said nothing, but it said everything!
July 7, 2011
a legacy of confidence
i've been lost in memories lately
smells, songs, experiences.. all bring back a flood of memories
i love being lost in a daydream and a memory
i've been thinking about all 4 of my grandparents lately, and the legacy that they left for me
a legacy of a life well lived, of hard work, strong faith, endless generosity and grace. the ability to have fun in any situation, being able to laugh and cry, and the importance of family.
this week my poppa (gerald thomas) has come to mind so often
i was a lot younger when i lost my thomas grandparents than when i lost my klassen ones, so i have different experiences and memories. i remember how my poppa used to talk so openly about how much he loved granny. i remember helping granny bake, and i remember her asking me to describe a picture on the tv to her once she became blind. i remember trying to pick the perfect descriptors so that she could really imagine it, and she told me that she could "see" it. i remember poppa taking me to olive garden, where we ate breadsticks to our hearts content and then laughed at the fact that we had to take our meals home because we were too stuffed to eat them! i remember having to crawl around in the van to put the special hook back onto the gas pedal when it fell off (poppa had a special adapted peddle since he lost his leg in the war and other injuries). i remember sitting on the porch swing in the backyard and having poppa sing to me. i remember how proud he was of my ability to sing, and my desire to use it in church. i remember the stacks of tapes that he had with "ashley singing" written on it. his prized possessions of my young voice warbling away into his microphone.
but mostly this week i've been remembering the sound of his voice, sharing the gospel and bellowing out gospel hymns (and anyone who knew my poppa can likely picture the wonderful, loud, bellowing tone of his voice!) working at a church, i am the one that types out all the worship songs for the sunday service, and as i type some of the old hymns i hear him singing along with me.
my poppa was not ashamed of his faith, or his relationship with Jesus. and he was never too shy or timid to sing those promises! a legacy of confidence in Jesus. I am SO thankful.
o perfect redemption,
the purchase of blood,
to every believer,
the promise of God!
the vilest offender,
who truly believes,
that moment from Jesus
a pardon receives.
praise the lord, praise the Lord,
let the earth hear his voice!
praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
LET THE PEOPLE REJOICE!
to God be the glory: fanny crosby & william doane
May 11, 2011
everything he does is suffused with grace.
"You'll take delight in God, the Mighty One, and look to him joyfully, boldly. You'll pray to him and he'll listen; he'll help you do what you've promised. You'll decide what you want and it will happen; your life will be bathed in light. To those who feel low you'll say, 'Chin up! Be brave!' and God will save them. Yes, even the guilty will escape, escape through God's grace in your life." job 22:26
God can't stand evil scheming, but he puts words of grace and beauty on display. proverbs 15:26
Look! Listen! There's my lover! Do you see him coming? Vaulting the mountains, leaping the hills. My lover is like a gazelle, graceful; like a young stag, virile. Look at him there, on tiptoe at the gate, all ears, all eyes—ready! My lover has arrived and he's speaking to me! song of solomon 2:8
Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you'll find it's graceand more grace. The moment he hears, he'll answer. isaiah 30:19a
"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace. matthew 6:6
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." matthew 11:28
So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. 2 corinthians 4:16
All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. romans 5:20
If you skim through most of the above scripture, at least read the one in romans (the last of the large list of scripture). it's a beautiful word picture of the saving power of grace. and the way sin has no chance against it.
i have been thinking a lot about grace today. i know that i have mentioned this before, but i will mention it again - my grandma used to start all of her prayers with "thank you Lord for another day of grace". she never took it for granted. though she could've had an unending list of requests & petitions (for health, for strength, for a cure for her sickness to name a few..) she ALWAYS started her ongoing conversations with God by acknowledging, daily, the gift of His grace. it was all about HIM.
i remember when i started dating michael, he was all i could talk about. and i know that for a fact, because a friend of mine even told her it was driving her nuts. she felt like SHE was dating him because she knew every little thing about him.
shouldn't that be what our relationship with christ is like? where we can hardly wait to soak in more of him, and we can't stop going on and on about him & how fabulous he is.
i often call or text michael just to tell him that i love him & i'm thankful for him. not to call him to give him a list of things i need him to do for me, or things i need to vent or complain about (don't get me wrong, i'm 100% human, and do way too much of that!!) why isn't that how i normally approach God?
i want to be more like my grandma. quietly strong & consistently tender. always grateful & putting others before herself. and always acknowledging God's perfect gift of grace.
i'm getting my tattoo today. in memory of my grandma. just under 7 months of losing her, and 1 month after what would have been her birthday. i'm tattooing the words "another day of grace" and striving to live in thankfulness of that gift.
God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused with grace. psalm 145:9
God can't stand evil scheming, but he puts words of grace and beauty on display. proverbs 15:26
Look! Listen! There's my lover! Do you see him coming? Vaulting the mountains, leaping the hills. My lover is like a gazelle, graceful; like a young stag, virile. Look at him there, on tiptoe at the gate, all ears, all eyes—ready! My lover has arrived and he's speaking to me! song of solomon 2:8
Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you'll find it's graceand more grace. The moment he hears, he'll answer. isaiah 30:19a
"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace. matthew 6:6
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." matthew 11:28
So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. 2 corinthians 4:16
All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. romans 5:20
---------------------------------------
If you skim through most of the above scripture, at least read the one in romans (the last of the large list of scripture). it's a beautiful word picture of the saving power of grace. and the way sin has no chance against it.
i have been thinking a lot about grace today. i know that i have mentioned this before, but i will mention it again - my grandma used to start all of her prayers with "thank you Lord for another day of grace". she never took it for granted. though she could've had an unending list of requests & petitions (for health, for strength, for a cure for her sickness to name a few..) she ALWAYS started her ongoing conversations with God by acknowledging, daily, the gift of His grace. it was all about HIM.
i remember when i started dating michael, he was all i could talk about. and i know that for a fact, because a friend of mine even told her it was driving her nuts. she felt like SHE was dating him because she knew every little thing about him.
shouldn't that be what our relationship with christ is like? where we can hardly wait to soak in more of him, and we can't stop going on and on about him & how fabulous he is.
i often call or text michael just to tell him that i love him & i'm thankful for him. not to call him to give him a list of things i need him to do for me, or things i need to vent or complain about (don't get me wrong, i'm 100% human, and do way too much of that!!) why isn't that how i normally approach God?
i want to be more like my grandma. quietly strong & consistently tender. always grateful & putting others before herself. and always acknowledging God's perfect gift of grace.
i'm getting my tattoo today. in memory of my grandma. just under 7 months of losing her, and 1 month after what would have been her birthday. i'm tattooing the words "another day of grace" and striving to live in thankfulness of that gift.
God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused with grace. psalm 145:9
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