motherhood & social media

there are a lot of good things about social media
I'm still connected to social media in a few ways - blogging and pinterest really
I have a facebook with no friends - so that I can use it to enter contests and other things
I occasionally read peoples tweets on twitter (but mostly just to stay up to date with my close friends jef & emily.. haha!)

I have realized over the last 8+ months of being pregnant that social media can be a good thing, but it can also make you feel insecure, make you feel like you don't measure up, make you feel like everyone wants to tell you about everything in their lives so you should want to share all of that too, that you should have a cuter nursery, read more parenting books, post more verses of scripture or songs in your house, drink green smoothies all day long etc. It is overwhelming!! I'm not even parenting yet and already there are days or times that I don't feel like I'm measuring up!

I have also realized that when you are pregnant people want to know some of the following (so I'll put my thoughts next to the questions, incase any of your are DYING TO KNOW what I think..):
- how long did you try to get pregnant (that can be a very sensitive subject for someone who tried unsuccessfully for months or years. we are thankful that was not our situation, and we know we are very blessed and fortunate that we did not have that struggle that some of our friends have had.)
- are you going to do MSS screening (to find out if your child has special needs - and in some peoples cases - to decide whether or not to terminate the pregnancy - We did not want to do this test.)
- are you going to find out the gender of the baby (we did - altho some people have made it clear to me with their reactions that they don't approve of that - oh well, I like being prepared!)
- if you did find out the gender - are you telling? (we aren't - I like the element of surprising all of our friends at the end of the 9 months! But I have no issue with those who decide to tell!)
- are you going to breastfeed? exclusively? (I will do my best! But I think there are times when Moms need to use formula - and I think they are just as wonderful mothers!)
- are you going to use cloth diapers? (no we are not - Michael made it clear that he had no interest in changing a cloth diaper - and I was on the fence, leaning toward disposable.. so it was a pretty easy decision. But, telling some people this answer has left them with a GASP look on their faces. From what I have read - there are pros and cons to both sides of the argument, and in all honesty - I have no interest in being part of that argument. I say, do what works for you - and if your baby is happy - we have success)
- are you going to labour "naturally"? (aka no medication) For the record - I think medication or not, it is all natural. It is still a baby coming out of your body - whether it is vaginally, by c-section, with no medication or with an epidural - it's still a baby coming out of you!! I am going to attempt to do a medicine free vaginal birth - but I have read about all the medication options and the procedure of a c-section.
- are you going to have a birth plan? Nope (or at least not a written one) - my plan is this - be educated and then trust that the doctor I chose to walk me through my pregnancy is more than qualified to make good decisions/suggestions for my care during my labour.
- doula? midwife? birthing center? (This one is a hot topic these days!! I only wanted a doctor - and I was only going to birth at a hospital. Birth is too fragile of a thing for me to not want to be surrounded by doctors/nurses/and all the necessary tools. As for a doula - when Michael and I talked about it, he felt as though a doula would be doing his job - and he wanted his job to be his. I loved that answer. Instead of a doula, I'm having Michael and my Mom as my support people and I feel like this is the best choice for me!!)
- Ok, so how about parenting - attachment parenting? baby wise? somewhere in between? (this is the other "hottest" topic in my opinion, because everyone has an opinion and a method. To be honest - we have LOVED being able to be an Auntie & Uncle to Josh & Leahs kids and to watch how they parent. We love how they treat their kids, how they respect them and how they have a "schedule" but it isn't rigid. My opinion with parenting "technique" is my same as with diapers - do what works for you, happy mom, happy baby - success. Leah read the book Secrets of the Baby Whisperer - and passed it onto me - I like it because it is more inbetween the "extremes" of parenting - and it seems like something that will work for me. Trial and error I suppose..)

I guess my main point of this rant is this - there are a lot of things out there (blogs, pinterest, facebook, twitter and pregnancy forums) that can make me doubt myself and get anxious - but the best advice I've been given is to just trust myself - and to have a few "safe" people that I can confide in about the struggles, and people that I can ask about how they did things etc. I am surrounded by a multitude of wonderful mothers - maybe it's time to focus more on them and what we do have, then to compare to people I (often) don't even know and allow myself to doubt!

Social media - it can be good, but for me, it's something I need to guard against.

4 weeks today until my due date - and this baby is going to be in my care, in my house, and will be my baby! Trusting myself, praying, and a good support system is the key to success I think :)

Here are 2 pictures of me from today incase any of you were wondering if my belly is growing - it really is! This baby is running out of room...

for strength to trust Him more.

today my head and heart feel a bit conflicted
this evening we are having supper together as a family and josh & leah will tell our family the gender of their baby. i have seen one picture of the baby so far, and everett very sweetly points at it and says "baby" in his voice that melts my heart. i can't believe that i get to have everett in my life and now another baby to be an auntie to! i'm triply blessed by the babies that have made me "auntie ash".

today though, my heart and head are full of thoughts of a very dear friend of mine whose little boy would be another year older today if he hadn't been taken from their family MUCH TOO SOON. i believe that God put this friend into my life so that I had someone who "gets it" that the grief of losing Jay is ongoing. that having Ev in my life doesn't make my auntie heart ache that I don't get to know Jay! I'm so thankful for my friend, that we can sit and chat for hours, email on a regular basis, and be a listening ear for one another. that type of friendship is rare and i'm thankful. but i wish i could have known her little guy. the pictures i've seen of him... he is a beautiful boy, with eyes that remind me of his younger sister! I know he is so loved, and i just will never understand why some people go through so much hurt in life.

this morning I decided to type out all of the words for the worship service on Sunday rather than just copy & paste them from their files like I normally do each week. Sometimes I like to type them out so that I can sing along in my head, and today one of them was "'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". This song took on a deeper meaning for me when my grandpa klassen became very sick. i remember sitting at my piano in my dining room on mulvey, singing this song over and over, sometimes just playing through the verses because i was just quietly sobbing. when my grandma became very sick last year this was one of the songs that i sang many times at her bedside with my guitar. my favorite part.. and the part that still gives me a catch in my throat, was watching her listen. jesus jesus.. how i trust Him.. how i've proved him over and over... jesus jesus, precious jesus.. oh for strength to trust him more... grandma would often listen along with her eyes closed, and she would smile and nod, or in her not so silent "whispering" fashion she would say "yes". that last line of the chorus is the truest part in the song for me. i do my best to trust Him, but i will admit.. deep deep grief.. rocks my faith at times. i don't want to trust God conditionally.. i want to trust him unconditionally, that is the only way to have hope. "oh for strength to trust Him more".. that could be my life motto. i decided to sing this song at grandma's funeral, as a tribute to her, her life, her faith, her humble spirit and her ability to CONSTANTLY trust Jesus.

on a day like today, when my heart aches for a little boy who should be celebrating a birthday, and my heart rejoices that i'm going to be an auntie again, there is tension. and trust is the one thing that keeps me together.

happy birthday cameron. you are loved!

waves, rainbows and Dads

last weekend at the cabin i had a wonderful time of relaxation, rest and fun
i did a lot of reading and chatting
house planning and thinking

and in between, we went for a few boat rides
my parent's friends were out, and we asked them if they had been to devil's island before
it's this little island a short boat ride from where we normally boat around
it is an awfully sad looking place
it has been overtaken by birds
the island is covered in birds and bird poop
the trees have no leaves
and it looks totally forgotten

it was fairly windy that day
and as we started driving out there the waves were getting choppy
it was fairly noisy due to the wind, the boat motor and the waves
so i sat at the back of the boat, looking over the water and lost in thought
i started to pray for people as they came to my mind
praying for a dear friend of mine who is struggling with a church transition
and the hurt & miscommunication that can come from such a change
i was thinking about our own journey and how good it feels to feel like we've found a new place to settle into - although, over the summer, we don't attend much anywhere.. so it'll feel different once we are there in the fall.

at this point, we reached devil's island and took it all in
we couldn't get as close as we would've liked because the waves were a little too wild
and i have been out there once (with my uncle) when it really started storming, and it wasn't fun! so my dad turned the boat around

as we went through the waves, we were all getting wet
the water was splashing up high against the boat and i started thinking to myself how i likely should be afraid, but i wasn't, because my dad was driving
i trust my dad 150%!
he is wise, and cautious. he has experience and puts everyones needs ahead of his own.
he has shown me over my 26 years why i would be silly not to trust him
at this point, i looked down at the side of the boat and there was the most vivid and bright rainbow in the water, from the way it was spraying, right where i was sitting, there was a perfect rainbow.
i looked around the boat and i couldn't see it anywhere else, just beside me
and i got this shiver, a God moment, or a "kiss" as my mom calls it

it was like i realized all over again the idea of God as father
i have been so blessed to have a dad that has made it so clear for me to understand the love of God as FATHER.
this rainbow to me felt like God saying to me, 'just like you trust your dad in a situation like this, with the waves crashing.. that is how you can trust me in everything!" church transition, grief, stress, storms, every day situations.. anything.

it was a very cool moment for me, and before i knew it, we were back on shore.
i have a great Dad, and a great Father God :)

this is one of my favourite pictures from my wedding day - i had just come back from the hair dresser. i stood with my dad looking over the back yard. we said nothing, but it said everything!

dream it

do you ever find that you dream up something and then think...

"nope, won't happen"

or

"nice thought... I wish.. but, it wouldn't work.."

not that long ago I was having coffee with my sister & our friend

and we were talking about how cool it would be if we, as sisters, could be neighbours one day

see, josh & leah own a piece of land on henderson hwy

and the land beside it was vacant...

we said it would be so wonderful

our kids could wait for the school bus together

we could raise our kids together

build a giant play structure in the back yard

have porches that face one anothers houses

(although i'd probably have to close the blinds if i chose to walk around naked.. wouldn't want to scar my brother!)

wouldn't that be so nice?

my parents raised us in anola

in the beautiful country

a lot of our lives happened in the city, but we made it work

i became a master of changing into my choir uniform in the car

i helped out at my mom's work while i waited to go home

we spent many hours in the car, chatting, listening to worship music

or to "dr laura schlessinger"

we made it worth while to live out in the country

playing on haybales, helping with the cows or the chickens

but one of my most favorite things about anola

was that we lived side by side with auntie maryann & uncle nelson

we had many sleepovers there

saturday dinners, where auntie made her famous lemon meringue pie

often on christmas day we would open presents at one house

and eat at the other

they were second parents to us

and i LOVED it

how wonderful would it be to have that experience with josh & leah?

and for our kids to grow up so close together (i realize i have no kids, and none on the way, but eventually!)

anyway, we talked, and we dreamed but we figured (or at least I figured)

"its too good to be true"

however, my brother, being the determined & skillful guy that he is

was willing to do the work to make this happen

phone calls, lawyer visits, trips to the land title office

things started falling into place

i remember a couple of weeks ago josh called me and said

"it just feels like it's right, like it's what God wants to happen for us"

of course! how could i doubt that, or limit God?

he hears all our dreams and thoughts (spoken and unspoken)

and he desires good for us

so, a couple months later since our first mention of this "possibility" and here we are

proud land owners (thanks to the wonderfully generous loan from my parents)

with plans to build a house beside our family

(and only 3 minutes from the retreat house/mom & dad!)

last night we walked the land with josh & leah

and my dad happened to be driving by, and stopped in

our future! our new home

our dreams coming true!!

i want to add one thing to the picture up top

dream it

trust God with it

and do it!

it doesn't surprise me then, that God reaffirmed my thoughts with scripture

the verses that are being used this Sunday at the church that I work at

as I was typing in the scripture I couldn't help but smile

NOTHING is too big or "out there" for God

¹⁰ Then the LORD said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

   Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. ¹² So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

 ¹³ Then the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son.” 

genesis 18:10-14