heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

where the Spirit of the Lord is...

I was thinking of alternate titles for this post, and the other one that seemed to fit best was: freedom, my grandma & my pregnancy... so that will be my other working title :)

I am officially in the middle of my 5th month of pregnancy, on Thursday I will officially be 21 weeks. We have had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, which was amazing (and I am fortunate enough to get a second one next week - the baby wouldn't cooperate & give us some good pictures of their heart, so we had a second ultrasound scheduled 2 weeks later in hopes that this baby will move from it's current breech position). We have set up the nursery, gender specific. We have had a "gender reveal" party to those we are telling (our parents & siblings only). I have felt the baby move, my cats have a weird 6th sense that they know I'm pregnant (I'm convinced of this, and reading things on the internet confirms that other cats are acting the exact same way mine are to their pregnant owners). We are practicing calling the baby by it's potential name and we are spending time talking about the baby and praying for this baby.

so, the connection to the second title of my blog post is because of this. My pregnancy has made me miss my grandma so much more. I am feeling the loss of not being able to tell her I'm pregnant and to have her call me to get updates. I am feeling the sadness of knowing my baby will never be held by their omi, who had the world's perfect legs for baby holding, since they were so long! Everett used to lay out completely on grandma's legs. If I did that.. the baby's head would be hanging off the end of my legs! I miss so much about my grandma.

Today I was caught up in a bittersweet memory of an experience that only I had. When my grandma was sick, very sick at the end especially, I used to bring my guitar either to the hospital or to her condo, and sit and play for her & sing while she either slept or just listened. I only really sang worship songs and hymns, and at certain parts, grandma would say "yes" or just nod along and smile. today at my piano I sat down & flipped to a random spot in my song binder and came across this one that swept me back into this memory

Freedom:


where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom


freedom reigns in this place
showers of mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
Jesus reigns in this place
showers his mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom


if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom

I remember sitting on the chair beside my grandma's hospital bed and singing this song. I remember her with her eyes closed and saying "yes" many times in this song. I remember her praying, thanking God for another day of grace and for his freedom. I remember her lifting her eyes to heaven and longing for more of Jesus. I remember how she lived in his freedom and exhibited his grace and love. I remember her and I so badly wish that one day my baby could learn these things from watching grandma.

I am thankful for these memories, and for the example of my grandma. I am also thankful for this freedom, these showers of mercy and grace that are falling...

falling on every face, there is freedom.

one of those days

I'm having one of those days
the kind of days that you'd either like to skip ahead so they are over
or go back in time to start them over again
a few things, struggles, conversations, situations, have caused me some anxiety and disappointment this week
i feel like i fell asleep last night with too many of these thoughts in my head, because i had a night full of dreams that felt very real, and were very sad, that i woke up feeling less than good
this morning i stayed in bed a bit too long, to the point where i had myself almost convinced that i could stay in there a few more hours and no one would mind. thankfully my cat walked on top of me enough that i realized i'd at least have to get out of bed to go to the washroom (they always seem to want to lay right across my bladder, guess it's softer than a hip bone or my legs/feet!) and once i was up i knew it was time to get moving.
i pulled out an autumnish outfit, and smiled to myself as i stepped out into the crisp air
but then, i had too much time to think, too many things to stew over and over analyze. and now it's the afternoon and i feel like i've wasted the morning stewing in self pity and disappointment.
i would like a break
a vacation
a nice long rest
even just from my own minds critique!
i would love to be the lady in the picture. on a beautiful beach, with crashing waves.
with a nice dress, cute shoes, and a fun umbrella to shield myself
but, I am here, and it's quite frankly just time to start some positive thinking.
to put things in the past and leave them there
and to start the rest of my day fresh.
unless someone wants to take me away to that beach? :)

colors of autumn

waking up this morning i was just amazed at the colors i could see out my window
the tree in my front yard has taken on this beautiful Ombré effect of green to yellow
one side gets more sun, and it is just neat to see how it is so different on each side
then driving to work i was just in awe of the trees that have changed to a vibrant yellow
and a few red ones thrown into the mix


i just love autumn.


when other things in life aren't so sure
or aren't going as well or "beautifully" as we'd like
i think God makes us that much more aware of the simple beauty of his creation


he never turns his back on us.

to be brave

i have a really heavy heart today
i've been thinking a lot about what it means to live in this world
and how broken our world is
sometimes when michael & i talk about when to start a family i start thinking about all the things that are wrong in this world. all the darkness and the evil.

at everett's birthday party josh & leah shared what the names of their boys, Jay & Everett meant. Ev's name means BRAVE. and they shared how their hope for Ev was that he would be able to stand up for others & do right, even when no one was watching. that he would be brave and courageous. i think we need to continue to bring light into this world. to raise up kids that support justice and compassion!

my heart has been so heavy because i've started reading the news on a regular basis.
i remember when my grandpa klassen was really sick, in the month before he finally went in to the hospital, and i had asked him if he wanted to watch the news. he told me that he already knew that it would be full of tragedy, hurt and pain, and didn't really want to spend time thinking about it that evening.
but since i'm not sick, and have to live in this world daily, i think it is good to remain informed so that i'm better equipped to live in this world, but not of it.

i have been following the candace derksen trial. there is a reporter on the winnipeg free press website that tweets the entire time he is in the court room. so essentially i've been reading everything he's hearing. yesterday the lawyers did closing arguments and now it's up to the jury. it's been so many years and justice is so close, but it lays in the hands of 13 people. on wilma's blog she writes that this feels like the 9th month of pregnancy. where they don't know what the gender of the baby is, and at this point, it doesn't even matter, they just want it to come out!

this morning i read an article about a man who goes on the internet to find people that are talking about committing suicide. then he poses as someone who is also struggling (normally poses as a woman) and gives them tips on how to finally commit suicide, and he enters into a "suicide pact" with them. 3 people have committed suicide because of this man, and he's pleading not guilty. saying that he has freedom of speech, and he's not a murderer, he just likes the chase.

this world.
when we think about the true brokeness it can be so much harder to be brave
to be different
to be strong
to be light in the darkness
to pray for the broken
the murders and those who's hearts are hard

to be brave.

no, O people, the LORD has told you what is good,

and this is what he requires of you:

to do what is right, to love mercy,

and to walk humbly with your God.

micah 6:8

understanding

today is my 2nd last day at the personal care home

for those of you who read this, but don't yet know

i have resigned my position there

i am finally realizing (and naming) where i am right now in life

deep in grief

overstressed

working through depression

running at a pace too fast for me to keep up with

tired

unhealthy

dry

so, resigning from my job there was hard. but i believe it was necessary

a step toward healing

so i only have a few more days there with them

the residents, the seniors, the friends that i love so much

last night my job was to bring all the residents (that wanted to come) to the activity room to listen to the salvation army (sidenote: 21 residents came. the salvation army did not. so.. there i was, with my volunteer. leading a sing-a-long for an hour. with a few random solos by my volunteer. i'm going to miss moments like that)

i knocked on the door of one of the shared rooms, a husband & wife and they graciously invited me in

the room was dark, and they were both laying on their beds. i sat in the nearest chair & asked them how they were

"low"

i asked her if she wanted to tell me more. and she said:

"i just realized that my parents have both passed away. they passed away and i wasn't there. why wasn't i there?" she then went on to tell me that she was on the phone with her daughter and she had asked her if her parents were living. her daughter told her that they were not. and she told her the dates that they had passed away. this dear lady just lay on her bed, hands over her face, weeping. her husband said to me "she was there. but her mind, her illness... it makes her forget"

deaths that happened years ago, many many years ago, that were as fresh as if they had just happened.

so we sat there.

in the dark, together, weeping.

for grief that was old but so fresh.

and i just whispered to her,

"i understand, i so understand"

our grief is so different. but also the same. old, but fresh.

there is something so comforting about being with another person that can whisper "i understand" - no solutions, no fix it ideas, just understanding.

i am going to miss sharing life with these dear dear people.