elephant

not sure what i love so much about this photograph but i love it. perhaps its the feeling of abandon.

it's been a different week
in some ways i feel like some weight is lifted
in other ways i feel like i'm in a bit of a strange fog

monday was my last day at the care home. i work alone on monday evenings, so at the end of the night, i turned off the office lights, left my keys on the desk and closed that chapter of my journey - for now. i only told one of the residents that i wouldn't be returning. i said "is that ok?" and she said "no" and i said "no?" to which she replied "i already miss you during the week since you are only here 2 times. and now it will be worse!" bittersweet.

instantly i feel like i have more time, and more space
oddly enough though, i feel more like retreating inward.
seeing very few people
keeping my safe circle quite small
i feel very vulnerable

it has been good to not be on facebook so far this week.
i have read more.
studied the bible & the life of David.
baked cookies.
watched episodes of the office and laughed out loud.
taken baths.
snuggled with my husband.

i think that the medication has begun to kick in. i have been crying less, but at the same time feeling less in general. i hope that won't always be the case.

i have been thinking a lot about loss. and trauma. living in fear & anxiety. trusting Jesus, while knowing that trusting doesn't mean being exempt from hardship. wishing (sometimes) to be able to go back in time to my old naive self.

i have been following the candace derksen trial, reading articles, courtroom reports and Wilma's blog.
reading about the choice of forgiveness.
and realizing that at times i am still refusing to forgive Jesus for letting me down. for allowing such loss & devastation to come on my family and other families. my journey is far from over. and we have seen God's faithfulness. my continual struggle is my humanness, and I think that as I seek to have a heart more like His, eventually I will move to living in complete faith, with no room for fear.

Wilma wrote one blogpost called Elephant and I really like how she explained this one aspect of "trauma" because sometimes i think people who either haven't experienced great loss, or are no longer in that grieving stage don't understand how and why it is so debilitating, and for so long. maybe this will help gain a little understanding - i'm working at settling back into some type of normalcy.

Wilma writes:

During my trauma trainings, I often compare trauma to that of encountering a grizzly bear.

If a grizzly bear would come charging into this room right now, everything as we know it would stop. First of all you would stop listening to me, you would be totally focused on the bear. Some might run, some would freeze, hopefully a few might want to fight it or contain it. Meanwhile, we would be traumatized; some of you might pee your pants.

I know for one thing, none of you could sip a cup of tea, fall asleep, have a conversation with a friend. You couldn’t learn anything new, and wouldn’t be able to share an intimate moment with your partners. You couldn’t read a book… at least not till the animal was somehow contained would we carry on. And even then it would take something to settle back to any kind of normalcy.

a break

so i'm taking a break from facebook
the other day my sister Leah & I were talking about something called "internet numbing" and man, am I guilty of that!!
basically it's sitting on the computer (either on facebook, or reading random blogs of people you don't know at all, or constant internet shopping/browsing etc) and doing something rather mindlessly, or doing something that makes you feel less good about yourself
the first time that we talked about this concept i realized that earlier that day i had spent the good part of an hour browsing an acquaintances photos on facebook and couldn't even tell you what i had been looking at!! mindless.

so, i've decided today to just take a vacation from facebook. even just to get myself used to not going on it every other minute! maybe next week I'll be back on it, or maybe in a few weeks I'll delete it! who knows.

I want to try and spend this week: finishing my job well; resting; reading; bible study; exercise; cooking; organizing and RELAXING.  and perhaps this face-cation will be a healthy step in the healing process.

a break

a thursday afternoon of singing

i have had a nice afternoon

my mom brought lunch to my work, so we enjoyed that together

then i came home & caught up on my beth moore biblestudy (it's so easy to get behind.. my goal is to keep on it daily!)

and then felt like picking up my guitar again

i have played it very little since my grandma died

it became something very special to me, something that I could do for her even in the depth of her illness

a connection that she & i shared

a way i could bless her into heaven

she didn't care that i didn't know all of the chords

or only knew a couple strumming patterns

she didn't care when my guitar went out of tune

or i stopped singing while i wept

she would close her eyes & smile at the mention of heaven

God's faithfulness

flying away

glory bound...

so today i picked up my guitar

and thought of her as I saw my pile of "songs grandma likes" sitting in the case

and i sang & played until my fingers hurt.

i have decided to share 2 videos, 2 songs that are dear to me

maybe the words will resonate with where you are at

or maybe hearing my own voice sing them will give you other insight into where i'm at honestly

i hope no one thinks i'm doing this out of pride or for compliments (if that was the case i should've tuned my guitar completely.. and probably do some vocal warm ups... oops!)

just sharing my heart & my voice

Glory Bound from Ashley Thiessen on Vimeo.

glory bound:

this is me singing "Glory Bound" by the Wallin' Jennys.
The last time I sang this was at my Grandmas funeral, and I have really been missing her, so decided to sing it again.

I still remember singing it for her in the hospital. She thought it was beautiful. I think she could already hear the train...

Lord How Excellent from Ashley Thiessen on Vimeo.

lord how excellent:

this is me singing "Lord How Excellent" by Jon Buller

words that fit where I am at with life right now

understanding

today is my 2nd last day at the personal care home

for those of you who read this, but don't yet know

i have resigned my position there

i am finally realizing (and naming) where i am right now in life

deep in grief

overstressed

working through depression

running at a pace too fast for me to keep up with

tired

unhealthy

dry

so, resigning from my job there was hard. but i believe it was necessary

a step toward healing

so i only have a few more days there with them

the residents, the seniors, the friends that i love so much

last night my job was to bring all the residents (that wanted to come) to the activity room to listen to the salvation army (sidenote: 21 residents came. the salvation army did not. so.. there i was, with my volunteer. leading a sing-a-long for an hour. with a few random solos by my volunteer. i'm going to miss moments like that)

i knocked on the door of one of the shared rooms, a husband & wife and they graciously invited me in

the room was dark, and they were both laying on their beds. i sat in the nearest chair & asked them how they were

"low"

i asked her if she wanted to tell me more. and she said:

"i just realized that my parents have both passed away. they passed away and i wasn't there. why wasn't i there?" she then went on to tell me that she was on the phone with her daughter and she had asked her if her parents were living. her daughter told her that they were not. and she told her the dates that they had passed away. this dear lady just lay on her bed, hands over her face, weeping. her husband said to me "she was there. but her mind, her illness... it makes her forget"

deaths that happened years ago, many many years ago, that were as fresh as if they had just happened.

so we sat there.

in the dark, together, weeping.

for grief that was old but so fresh.

and i just whispered to her,

"i understand, i so understand"

our grief is so different. but also the same. old, but fresh.

there is something so comforting about being with another person that can whisper "i understand" - no solutions, no fix it ideas, just understanding.

i am going to miss sharing life with these dear dear people.

heaven stands

is there anything in your life that has always been a dream

or a wish

or a hopeful idea

that you always figured wouldn't happen?

i was thinking about this today, and about how defeating that type of thought process is

ideas like:

i'd like to learn that instrument

i'd love to make a cd

how fun would it be to be famous

insert your own idea here

and how quickly they are followed by the next thought:

you take way to long to learn new things, it wouldn't be worth it

who would buy it? where would you make it?

famous?! ha! nice try.

etc.

regardless of whether these ideas, thoughts, wishes are likely to come true - who cares? can't we allow ourselves this opportunity to wish, dream without being the wet blanket?

i have a friend who's husband plays just about every instrument. yes, he is a quick learner, and very musically gifted. but.. would he know that if he didn't decide to just go for it & try learning?

i love to sing. and i have always wanted to be able to play the guitar to accompany myself. or even the piano - better than how i play now, which is quite basic. i've dreamt about playing/singing at coffee shops and small cafes. or making a small cd. i don't even want to be "famous" or really well known necessarily, but rather, just have an avenue to sing.

maybe i'll be taking guitar lessons soon.. you never know.

this is the song that got me thinking about it. i've heard it on the radio a few times in the last couple of weeks & i think it's beautiful. and i like the folky quality of her voice. plus the words are suitable for me where i'm at. take a listen. enjoy. dream.

i have unanswered prayers, i have trouble i wish wasn't there

and i have asked a thousand ways, that You would take my pain away

i am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land

make straight the paths that crooked lie

oh Lord, before these feet of mine

when my world is shaking

Heaven stands

when my heart is breaking

i never leave Your hands

when you walked upon the earth, You healed the broken, lost & hurt

i know You hate to see me cry, one day You will set all things right

Your hands that shaped the world are holding me

they hold me still

Your hands that shaped the world are holding me

they hold me still

when my world is shaking... heaven stands

when my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands

your hands - jj heller