small acts

i have been reminded this week of how much impact a small act can make

small things, ideas that pop into our heads - oh i should email her - i bet she'd like a coffee - maybe i could make her a meal - so&so just popped into my head, i should send them a quick text etc. - that we often don't act on.

this week i made a big decision to quit one of my jobs. i resigned on Monday. a huge weight has been lifted, and it's a step in the direction of putting my health first. but making that decision was hard, and this week has felt long.

to add to it, i got that wicked stomach flu that is going around, and it is the WORST! i don't wish it on anyone.

it has been a long week. and small acts of kindness have definitely helped keep me afloat.

texts from family & friends

a surprise coffee dropped off at my work by a friend

a home cooked meal from my mom

an email from a dear friend & a listening ear

emails letting me know that i've been prayed for

lunch with my inlaws at work

comments on my blog from friends, family & even strangers (that don't feel like strangers when you realize you've walked through some of the same things)

my loving husband waiting on me hand & foot while i was sick

small acts help us know that we are not alone!

thank you to my friends & family that are so loving & supportive.

couldn't do this without you!

serenity, in a pink mailbox

isn't this such a serene picture?

i found it today when i was googling images for a powerpoint i was working on

so interesting how a picture can bring such a peaceful feeling

something about how the sun perfectly saturates the whole shot

the way the gravel path leads somewhere, through a field of grass and beautiful fall flowers

an adorable pink mailbox, which means the owner of it has great class ;)

and the stack of letters tied up so sweetly with a string

i wonder who wrote to her

letters from old friends

or new friends

birth announcements

wedding invitations

poetry

love notes

short encouragements

sometimes it's fun to get lost in a picture

to wrap yourself up in the warmth of the sun

in the words in the letters

not to wish to be someone else necessarily

but to find things within yourself that resonate with what you're seeing

to dream big about fully being exactly who you love being inside

serenity, in a pink mailbox.

the very same

don't you just love re-discovering old songs
old being a relative word a lot of the time
meaning, songs that once were your 'go-to' song
songs that played over and over in your head
songs that you would hum as you fell asleep
songs with words that you would pray when you couldn't find your own words
songs that spoke very clearly to a place you were at in life
that kind of song.

i very clearly remember when michael and i picked out the worship songs for our wedding
i had a "free drink" voucher for starbucks, so, in true mennonite style, we went and got the worlds biggest *free* caramel frappucino with a huge dollop of whip cream and caramel drizzle
it was august and the air was perfectly warm
we sat out on the patio, sipping our drink and chatting about our wedding coming up
i had made a huge list of worship songs that we just loved
and slowly we made our list smaller
we were each allowed to cross off songs on the list, one at a time, taking turns
eventually we had it narrowed down to our songs
the love of god
resonate
be unto your name

be unto your name was such a fitting song for us
we were still very much in the freshness of a grief we never knew possible.
getting married only 2 months after Jay's birth and death was such a hard thing
it was SO obvious to me that we weren't complete as a family, he was very much missing
but in the same way, we were closer as a family than we had ever been.
my faith was shaken, but it was also stronger in a way
such extremes in so many ways
i wanted my wedding day to be focused on Jesus. because i knew that He would be the only constant. things would happen that would make us more in love, or that would shake us to the very core. things would happen where we didn't know what to do, except turn to Jesus. our wedding was a moment. Jesus is forever! we ARE broken, but oh, HE is the healer.
words that i couldn't have put together better myself.

i feel like i just re-discovered this song today, and it continues to speak into my life in very strong ways. to the very same hurts and grief. to the very same love. to the very same brokeness. to the same need. the same Jesus!

we are a moment, You are forever
Lord of the ages
God before time.
we are a vapor
You are eternal
love everlasting, reigning on high

holy holy Lord God Almighty
worthy is the Lamb who was slain;
highest praises, honor and glory
be unto Your name,
be unto Your name

we are the broken, You are the healer
Jesus, Redeemer! mighty to save
You are the love song we'll sing forever
bowing before you, blessing Your name

conflicted

conflicted

that is how i feel!

meeting with the counsellor yesterday was very good - but also very tough

i went to work looking like a hot mess, and my mind has been reeling ever since

trying to make some tough decisions, and struggling with knowing if i'm making the right decision - am i making a decision based only on emotion? am i being lazy? can i trust how i really feel inside? can't someone else make the decision for me?

i've been encouraged to take ownership back. ownership of my emotions, my life, my work, my family, my relationships, my decisions. good or bad, i need to take ownership, and that alone can be a good first step!

doing some more thinking. not going to make any major decisions today, just going to try and take the day an hour at a time. in the last hour i drove my mom to work, which is always nice cause then i get to have a little chat with her. this hour, I'm snuggled up with my heat blanket watching the new season of the bachelor, next hour will be lunch, and then a few hours of work. little steps at a time, decisions can be made tomorrow.

moving toward freedom

what do you picture when you imagine going to a counsellor?

i have some past experiences with counselling - michael & i had pre-marital counselling with a wonderful couple. they would always make a delicious snack & the four of us would sit on couches, sipping coffee, we would ask questions or express concerns or things we were unsure about, and we always left feeling more confident than when we first got there.

in university i took a few counselling courses - one class in particular - we were sectioned off into groups of 3 - we signed confidentiality agreements, and then we would spend the 3 hours of class time being counsellors to one another. when we would get stuck, our prof (a counsellor) would step in and offer suggestions.

i think that when i first encountered this new grief - with losing my first nephew, Jay - i talked myself out of needing to see a counsellor because I "knew what they would say" - which isn't a negative thing, but rather, I thought that I could walk myself through all of that.

when i was in my university class, sometimes it felt like I had to really try to "come up" with something to share, for my classmates to 'counsel' me on - however, after the first 15 minutes, they would have uncovered a thought, or insecurity, or undealt with issue that I hadn't even been prepared to talk about! how interesting - that often when you go to deal with point A you discover that you also have point B, point C... etc!

i have officially made my first appointment to see the counsellor - and i am a

mixture of excited & fearful. excited because i am tired of living in this fog where I cry over commercials or become angry with michael over something that is not at all his fault. i am tired of ignoring my grief, and not sleeping because i feel weighed down. i am excited to take the first step towards healing. however, I am fearful. am i ready to actually face this grief that has changed my life? am i ready to face every issue/item/emotion etc that come

s up as a result? am i strong enough? am i prepared to make serious changes?

oddly enough - there is some strange comfort in sadness. in having an excuse for how you feel, or having people understand why you are not yourself. however - i am realizing it

is something that can be romanticized to keep you stuck - and that the deeper you get into it, the more you forget about freedom. grief has been an underlining theme over the past 2 1/2 years of my life - and its odd to think that i'm scared to re-learn how to be me, strange that fear can make me want to cling to the very thing that is debilitating me.

monday 10am. the first step towards a new, freer me.