i have not written in a while
i haven't been too busy to write, but rather a little too overwhelmed with life i think
my mom was emailing back and forth with me and shared that she thought i was processing my grief later than a lot of people. i've been grieving the whole time since Jay's arrival but was able to continue going 'normally', actually i don't feel like i've been 'normal' since July 24th, and will never be that same normal ever again. but now its like the grief is settling in even more.
these days it feels like the air is thicker and i'm so tired
it's causing my sleep to become restless
and my desire to commit to things (that i used to jump at the chance for) diminish
and i think that last point is ok. i think it's good to take time to just rest and be
i've realized that grief can be very dark when it is not walked thru with Jesus
i've realized that this darkness isn't a lack of Jesus, but rather a lack of me leaning on him
i've realized that this "darkness" has become a 'friend' or a welcome companion, but not a friend at all
i've realized that if Jay was looking out at me from Heaven he would grieve for me when i choose to be friendly with this lack of light. that Jay would want to be loved and remembered and celebrated, thought about, talked about... but not the source of life turning to hopeless gray.
this is my own walk with grief and the air is thick right now
but the other day i was kept awake at night by my Jesus
and he used my own hands to write ASHLEY REMAIN IN MY LOVE while marking the paper with my tears and the tears of my Jesus
the other day he woke me up with the brightest lightning. scattering the darkness that is a companion, but not a friend.
my Jesus woke me up to the sound of rain pounding on the pavement outside my window
and whispered in my ear that this is a fresh start for us
my grief is making the air thick and is shaking my world up again
i think next week is going to make the grief again very raw
i'm learning to let Jesus love on me
and to trust in that relationship.
color sucking grief is not my friend
and I'm learning what it means for Jesus to be companion.
*the title of the post is really just because carmyn and i went to starbucks today and now i'm warming up with a chai latte. chai lattes remind me of being with a friend, visiting, sharing, chatting... companionship. *
honesty | insight | and iced coffee.
July 16, 2009
July 7, 2009
an excerpt
as mack made his way down the trail toward the lake, he suddenly realized that something was missing. his constant companion, the great sadness, was gone. it was as if it had been washed away in the mists of the waterfall as he emerged from behind its curtain.
its absence felt odd, perhaps even uncomfortable. for the past years it had defined for him what was normal, but now unexpectedly it had vanished. 'normal is a myth', he thought to himself.
the great sadness would not be part of his identity any longer. he knew now that missy wouldn't care if he refused to put it on. in fact, she wouldn't want him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. he wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go - to walk into each day withou the guilt and despair that had sucked the colors of life out of everything.
---
ask me my thoughts on this if you'd like to know. this was taken from "the shack"
its absence felt odd, perhaps even uncomfortable. for the past years it had defined for him what was normal, but now unexpectedly it had vanished. 'normal is a myth', he thought to himself.
the great sadness would not be part of his identity any longer. he knew now that missy wouldn't care if he refused to put it on. in fact, she wouldn't want him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. he wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go - to walk into each day withou the guilt and despair that had sucked the colors of life out of everything.
---
ask me my thoughts on this if you'd like to know. this was taken from "the shack"
July 5, 2009
i stole this from Kara's blog...
HAVE YOU:
39. Been depressed? → no, have had hard days and months thought
40. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope, never
1. Travelled → yes quite a bit. With my family we typically go somewhere warm with beautiful beaches, florida, dominican, cuba. i've also been to south africa, parts of europe, cruises of the caribean and bahamas, guatemala and parts of canada and the us!
2. What is your weakness → bargain shopping... i love finding deals! also sudoku, gum & slurpees
3. Laughed until you cried → very often. i have a funny husband, family and friends!
4. Met someone who changed you → my family has shaped me a lot that's forsure! other than them i would say these people changed my life for the better: Michael <3 , Leah, Phoebe and my precious nephew Jay!
5. Found out who your true friends were → sure have
6. How many kids do you want to have → 2 or 3
7. Do you have any pets → Oreo will forever be my pup, i really want another dog or a cat someday, but probably not for awhile.
8. Do you want to change your name → Growing up i used to change my name for fun, mostly just with my friends when we wrote notes etc. I actually really love my name!
9. What did you do for your last birthday → my mom took me out for lunch, michael and i spent the evening together, but we don't actually remember what we did. my guess would be that we ordered chinese and watched a movie or something. celebrated with my families the nights following.
10. What time did you wake up today → 8:35
11. What were you doing at midnight last night → sleeping!
12.Name something you CANNOT wait for → december 17th or 18th :)
13. Last time you saw your father→ this afternoon at grandma's
14. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Sometimes I wish that money didn't exist and we wouldn't have to worry about it! I wish that I could be more confident.
15. What are you listening to right now → TV - Friends, the fan and michael sleeping
16. What's getting on your nerves right now? → i cut my leg shaving an hour ago and it still stings!
17. Most visited webpage → gmail and cooks.com
13. Last time you saw your father→ this afternoon at grandma's
14. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Sometimes I wish that money didn't exist and we wouldn't have to worry about it! I wish that I could be more confident.
15. What are you listening to right now → TV - Friends, the fan and michael sleeping
16. What's getting on your nerves right now? → i cut my leg shaving an hour ago and it still stings!
17. Most visited webpage → gmail and cooks.com
THE BASICS:
18. Nicknames → Ash, Ashes, Ashy, Pook, Pumpkin, Pump, Pumpy, Lump, Lumpy, Lumpkin, Poofler, Muffler and Poof
19. Relationship Status → happily married!
20. High school you attended → MBCI
21. Hair color → blonde - although it is actually "mousy brown", thank goodness for hi lites and low lites!
22. Long or short → on the shorter side right now, right around my chin
23. Height → 5'5 ish
24. Do you have a crush on someone? → You bet, and he's pretty handsome!
25: What do you like about yourself? → I like that my priorities and my values are in the right place, and that I am happy with where I am at right now
26. Piercings → just my ears, 3 holes in 1 ear, 4 holes in the other. but i'd like to get my nose pierced
27. Tattoos → I have a bluejay with Jay's initials on my right shoulder blade
28. Righty or lefty → righty
FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → oral surgery when i was 2
23. First piercing → ears
24. First best friends → I remember talking to my dog everyday after school, his name was Sam. At school... probably Crystal or Darlene or Lorissa, or Kara Fast? my mom would probably know better than me :)
25. First sport → Baseball I think. I also did Figure Skating a bit
26. First vacation→ We went to Edmonton and Banff when I was really little (2ish) but I don't remember that. We went to Florida when I was five and I remember parts of that.
27. First concert → Newsboys or something? It was a christian band and I think they were wearing pajama pants.
28. First crush - That I can remember... Peter Gross
18. Nicknames → Ash, Ashes, Ashy, Pook, Pumpkin, Pump, Pumpy, Lump, Lumpy, Lumpkin, Poofler, Muffler and Poof
19. Relationship Status → happily married!
20. High school you attended → MBCI
21. Hair color → blonde - although it is actually "mousy brown", thank goodness for hi lites and low lites!
22. Long or short → on the shorter side right now, right around my chin
23. Height → 5'5 ish
24. Do you have a crush on someone? → You bet, and he's pretty handsome!
25: What do you like about yourself? → I like that my priorities and my values are in the right place, and that I am happy with where I am at right now
26. Piercings → just my ears, 3 holes in 1 ear, 4 holes in the other. but i'd like to get my nose pierced
27. Tattoos → I have a bluejay with Jay's initials on my right shoulder blade
28. Righty or lefty → righty
FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → oral surgery when i was 2
23. First piercing → ears
24. First best friends → I remember talking to my dog everyday after school, his name was Sam. At school... probably Crystal or Darlene or Lorissa, or Kara Fast? my mom would probably know better than me :)
25. First sport → Baseball I think. I also did Figure Skating a bit
26. First vacation→ We went to Edmonton and Banff when I was really little (2ish) but I don't remember that. We went to Florida when I was five and I remember parts of that.
27. First concert → Newsboys or something? It was a christian band and I think they were wearing pajama pants.
28. First crush - That I can remember... Peter Gross
29. First Love - Real love -- Michael
RIGHT NOW:
30. Eating → nothing
31. Drinking → iced tea. I finally bought some mix.. welcome summer!
32. I'm about to → get ready to go to Carmyn and James' for caregroup
33. Listening to → We already had this question... TV - Friends
34. Waiting for → Michael to wake up in a bit so we can get ready to go
YOUR FUTURE :
35. Want kids? → definitely.
36. Want to get married? → already am
37. Careers in mind? → I'm happy where I am right now. I have also thought about going to Beauty School to be an Esthetician, or getting a degree as a Recreation Facilitator for the Elderly and people with disabilities.
RIGHT NOW:
30. Eating → nothing
31. Drinking → iced tea. I finally bought some mix.. welcome summer!
32. I'm about to → get ready to go to Carmyn and James' for caregroup
33. Listening to → We already had this question... TV - Friends
34. Waiting for → Michael to wake up in a bit so we can get ready to go
YOUR FUTURE :
35. Want kids? → definitely.
36. Want to get married? → already am
37. Careers in mind? → I'm happy where I am right now. I have also thought about going to Beauty School to be an Esthetician, or getting a degree as a Recreation Facilitator for the Elderly and people with disabilities.
HAVE YOU:
38. Lost someone special? → yes - both Grandpas, my Granny and Jay39. Been depressed? → no, have had hard days and months thought
40. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope, never
41. Broken someone's heart → Nope
42. Had your own heart broken → yup, see #38
43. Cried when someone died → Still cry about it, which I think is ok.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
44. Yourself → Yes, 99% of the time!
42. Had your own heart broken → yup, see #38
43. Cried when someone died → Still cry about it, which I think is ok.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
44. Yourself → Yes, 99% of the time!
45. Miracles → yes, altho I think there are a lot of things that are miracles that we brush off as ordinary
46. Heaven → Most definitely
47. Santa Claus → no although I think I'll pretend for my kids when they're really little
48. God or a Higher Power? → God. Of course!!
46. Heaven → Most definitely
47. Santa Claus → no although I think I'll pretend for my kids when they're really little
48. God or a Higher Power? → God. Of course!!
FAVORITES:
49. Drink - Most drinks from Starbucks. Altho I also really like a regular old cup of peppermint tea, coffee or mint hot chocolate
50. Food - Pad Thai
51. Movie - You've Got Mail, Fever Pitch or Bewitched
52. Band - Depends on the day. Altho I consistently like the Dixie Chicks
53. Memory - holding Jay, my wedding day, the feeling of relaxation on my honeymoon with Michael, watching sunsets in hawaii with ellen, watching Leah walk down the aisle, "studying" at starbucks with Jo, living with Shauna, singing with my Grandpa at the hospital.. ok i have a lot!
54. TV Show - I have too many favorites: Friends, So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway Canada, Ellen, OC, Bachelorette
55. Hobbies - I love taking pictures, making cards, being at coffee shops, board games, reading, sitting around the bonfire
56. Subject - in university i liked my psychology courses best
green cookies
i just made green cookies while michael made lunch
i used pistachio pudding, so they are green and tasty
on a different note, look how big baby is now! :
Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now out measure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your baby is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements.
so exciting!
i used pistachio pudding, so they are green and tasty
on a different note, look how big baby is now! :
Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now out measure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your baby is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements. so exciting!
July 2, 2009
all this beauty... might have to close your eyes
daily inspirations:
some of the things: (like i said, some are big, some are small...)
ordering lunch and having it come back covered in all kinds of things i didn't want or order, taking a sip of my drink only to realize there is a hole in the bottom of the cup and it's been spilling the whole time, almost getting t-boned..., my key not working in the door, almost getting side swiped, running out of an ingredient while baking, wrong date for an appointment, sore legs from weeding the never ending weeds in my flower beds!, and then finding out that starbucks no longer makes my favorite drink!
however, really... those are all quite small little things
more importantly in life, yesterday was 3 years since my grandpa went to be with Jesus. oh Grandpa... i think about him all of the time. I have this picture of him in my head, many actually, and he is always smiling. i like to imagine him taking Jay for walks in heaven. he'd have his walking stick and he'd keep up with little Jay. and Grandpa would be explaining all the different things that they see along the way. Grandpa brought our family closer together, i really truly believe that. He was such a gift to our family, and no one will ever be quite like him (altho my dad is pretty close!). when i think of canada day i think of spending the evening before sitting beside his bed holding his hand and singing him hymns and worship songs quietly while he fell asleep. then he woke up enough to tell me he loved me and to go get some rest. i love thinking about my time with Grandpa.
and soon it will be Jay's birthday. the other day i opened my wallet to pay for something and the cashier saw a picture of Jay. She said to me "that is the most beautiful baby! he must've just been a new born in this picture" and I smiled and very proudly said "isn't he! that is my nephew Jay." I didn't feel the need to tell her that he passed away, but rather just agreed that yes! he was so beautiful!! I'm so proud of my little nephew, and that is all that the cashier needed to know. It is good to remember Jay for who he is, and to celebrate how wonderful he was.
the other day i was thinking about the day when the next babe will be born, the day that Jay will have a little brother or sister, and this song was playing in the background where I was. It reminded me of how much beauty and love there is with babies, with Jay and with this next one. I think we will see a lot of Jay in the next baby, and we will be able to celebrate both of them. I think I will be overwhelmed with beauty, and this song will be playing again in my head that day:
all this beauty
you might have to close your eyes
and slowly open wide.
all this beauty
we've travelled all night
we drank the ocean dry
and watch the sunrise
- stretch your comfort zone
- travel without a map
- welcome the sunrise
some of the things: (like i said, some are big, some are small...)
ordering lunch and having it come back covered in all kinds of things i didn't want or order, taking a sip of my drink only to realize there is a hole in the bottom of the cup and it's been spilling the whole time, almost getting t-boned..., my key not working in the door, almost getting side swiped, running out of an ingredient while baking, wrong date for an appointment, sore legs from weeding the never ending weeds in my flower beds!, and then finding out that starbucks no longer makes my favorite drink!
however, really... those are all quite small little things
more importantly in life, yesterday was 3 years since my grandpa went to be with Jesus. oh Grandpa... i think about him all of the time. I have this picture of him in my head, many actually, and he is always smiling. i like to imagine him taking Jay for walks in heaven. he'd have his walking stick and he'd keep up with little Jay. and Grandpa would be explaining all the different things that they see along the way. Grandpa brought our family closer together, i really truly believe that. He was such a gift to our family, and no one will ever be quite like him (altho my dad is pretty close!). when i think of canada day i think of spending the evening before sitting beside his bed holding his hand and singing him hymns and worship songs quietly while he fell asleep. then he woke up enough to tell me he loved me and to go get some rest. i love thinking about my time with Grandpa.
and soon it will be Jay's birthday. the other day i opened my wallet to pay for something and the cashier saw a picture of Jay. She said to me "that is the most beautiful baby! he must've just been a new born in this picture" and I smiled and very proudly said "isn't he! that is my nephew Jay." I didn't feel the need to tell her that he passed away, but rather just agreed that yes! he was so beautiful!! I'm so proud of my little nephew, and that is all that the cashier needed to know. It is good to remember Jay for who he is, and to celebrate how wonderful he was.
the other day i was thinking about the day when the next babe will be born, the day that Jay will have a little brother or sister, and this song was playing in the background where I was. It reminded me of how much beauty and love there is with babies, with Jay and with this next one. I think we will see a lot of Jay in the next baby, and we will be able to celebrate both of them. I think I will be overwhelmed with beauty, and this song will be playing again in my head that day:
all this beauty
you might have to close your eyes
and slowly open wide.
all this beauty
we've travelled all night
we drank the ocean dry
and watch the sunrise
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