76... 77... 78!!

today is grandma's birthday.

she is just such a wonderful lady...

you know what i admire about her?

she always puts others before herself, she prays and trusts God with her life, she loves her family so much

she is an amazing baker, and rarely uses recipes. one time i asked her to tell me her recipe for something and she said "well, i normally throw in a pinch of this, and then, well i add flour until it feels right." ... my recipe didn't turn out quite as well!

she always knows my voice on the phone. all i have to say is "hi grandma" and she knows its me! i always thought that was impressive.

she is very humble. she's told me before that her life story isn't very exciting or anything, but when she starts telling me stories... wow.

she is so nervous and scared about whatever is making her sick, but her spirits are still so high. she knows how to joke around and laughs often.

my grandma is just such an amazing lady, and i just love being with her. happy birthday grandma!!

full

so on monday i turned one year older... and then spent the whole week celebrating (is what it seems!)

honestly, i don't feel different, except that now i have to say 24 instead of 23 when people ask. no big deal really.

i decided that i will write down twenty four things to mark the beginning of the next year.
things i've learned, things i'm thankful for etc. so here goes:

1. i have learned that it is so fun to be a wife
2. re-realized that family is the most important thing to me (after God of course)
3. this year was one of the best and the worst ever. i'm thankful God gave me some of my happiest moments in the midst of the deepest grief
4. i am thankful, every day that a year ago i felt my little nephew kicking inside leah's tummy, that i could actually FEEL him moving. he was so active in there.
5. realized it was time to take a break from some commitments and just take time
6. i learned that working 8-4 mon-fri makes you feel like a grown up
7. thankful for a loving husband, who warms up my heat pack for my cold little feet every night before bed
8. this year i went to cuba twice, the first time i was a girlfriend and then a fiance. the second time, a wife!
9. i started a new tradition... having a sleepover in my own house... in the living room!
10. this year i had 4 different jobs: spring clean up with paneless, cleaning with molly maid, retail with hallmark and finally customer service rep with kindred productions
11. this year i learned that if i can't trust in God, i'm lost
12. i got a tattoo
13. since my last birthday i have one more brother, one more sister, one more mom and one more dad! what a year!
14. this year i learned to like bran flakes for breakfast!
15. i'm thankful for my first home.
16. i watched the Office for the first time
17. i am thankful for my new caregoup, and how good it is to spend time getting to know them
18. i cried more than any other year
19. i learned to pray more genuinely
20. i watched many sunsets... and marveled at how the sky actually turns into a giant rainbow.
21. i actually started really liking country music... and know a lot of it by heart already!
22. our little family of 2 has grown by 1. michael and i have a foster child, from burkina, where michael grew up! his name is bouriema kiema and he's 10.
23. i now own the whole series of friends and the oc.... and we like to watch them and quote them!
24. i had the fullest year of my life. full of good. full of bad. full of such joy. full of such pain. full full full. (both of my sisters wrote something like this in my birthday cards. this was my year).

there is much more, but that is all for now.

ps. i cut my hair!

my Jesus, and my favorite shoes.

i just love days like this

it's kind of cool outside, the air is crisp and you can smell the rain (or the rain that will be coming)

i'm wearing my favorite shoes today. they are by no means the prettiest shoes, or the most supportive or the best for your feet... no, they are worn out, little flats from zellers. blue with salt stains on the sides. a little white/rainbow elastic on the top right behind the rubber toe. when i wear these shoes, my feet are guaranteed to get a little dirty, because the poor little rubber soles can't hold much at bay anymore. these are my favorite shoes. and i feel comfortable wearing them.

i like things like that.

God, he is my favorite. being with him in no way guarantees me the prettiest life, the most carefree or happy. my relationship with him isn't always the best (on my part), and at times i'm a little worn out. my heart has nicks and scratches, and stains on it... showing a good almost 24 years of living. God gave me extra things to make me a little special, bright blue eyes and one little freckle on my nose. being with God doesn't mean that he holds everything at bay, keeping me carefree and problem free. but he is my favorite. and i feel comfortable and safe with him. and he always walks beside me, never ever leaving me.

i like days like this. my God, he is the everlasting.

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

this song resonates with me.

enjoy.

here are the lyrics:

everlasting God : Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

he took my sins and my sorrows, he made them his very own

so i feel a little out of it, because I haven't blogged in so long...
it was so good to get away and be in Cuba, and now this week i'm trying to get back into the swing of working full time (this is still very new for me!), and now i'm on my own... no more training!

anyway... i thought i would write a bit before going to sleep

and here is what i'm thinking:

today i took some time to watch the slideshow of pictures of our precious Jay that Jeremy made for us. it is such a gift to have that. i looked it up online, and had no sound on my computer, so i hummed the song in my head and just watched the pictures. it felt really fresh all over again, looking at his little hands, his little feet, his cute little nose... he was just so perfect, and so ready to be a part, a very living, active life giving part of our family.

and then i was thinking how much it hurts to have something just taken away from us. kind of like having a swift kick to your stomach, where the air feels like it is forced out of you so quickly you fall over from the shock of it.

and then i was thinking where does Jesus fit into all of this. Theresa spoke on Lazarus this past Sunday at church, and how when people are grieving we say "if you loved me... this wouldn't have happened", that that is so often how it feels. it feels like that swift kick hit so hard, and Jesus was there watching, he could've stopped it... but didn't.

she also talked about Martha, and how it was amazing that in her grief, of losing her brother and KNOWING that Jesus, her personal, dear friend just chose not to prevent it, that in all that she still said Jesus, you are sovereign. You are who you say you are, and you are good.

I was singing at my piano tonight (felt like it had been too long since the last time i'd played) and i was singing the song "you alone" by david crowder.

you alone are Father
and you alone are good.
you alone are Saviour
and you alone are God.

and i realized, that I have been mad at God, I have been asking him WHERE ARE YOU, but I have not, not even once, doubted if God was God, or if he was sovereign. No, instead i've been learning a deeper part of Jesus. in all truthfulness i've built up a pretty "secure" wall around my heart, and at times (too often) even keeping Jesus away from it. keeping it to myself seems to allow me to feel however i feel and not question it. but i'm realizing that it's not allowing me to push forward.

at the same time, in some ways, Jesus has never been closer. and the thing is... i'm not saying that I don't love Jesus or doubt him, but i'm just feeling like i don't know what i'm doing, because i've never had to walk down this path of grief before. but i've been more honest with him, more direct, and sometimes i just feel like he's letting me rest. maybe he's inside my wall more than i realize, and for that i am thankful. he is allowing me to rest and is slowly breaking down that wall.

i've been staying connected to him through worship. i feel like he shows me songs to sing that allow him to speak very directly to me, at just the right time. i weep a lot at my piano, sob even. and it's just me and Jesus there.

tonight i was singing "he took my sins and my sorrows, he made them his very own; he cried no tears for his own grief, but sweat drops of blood for mine" Jesus knew about Jay when he was in the garden. before Jesus died on the cross he knew about me, he knew about josh and leah, my mom and dad, michael and i.. he knew about Jay. he knew what he would look like, Jesus knew exactly how he would form Jay, right down to his little toes. he knew that our hearts would break that day, and in the garden he weeped for us. his sorrow was my sorrow. the love in his heart was for me, for all of us. he bore my sorrow out of love.

how marvelous. how wonderful
and my song, shall ever be:
how marvelous, how wonderful
is my Saviour's love for me.