gratefulness

it has been a long time since I have posted anything

I realize that it's a combination of things - partially not knowing exactly what to write about, partially feeling too passionate about things to write about (and I don't like to write about something if I'm too emotional about it, because I find that I can regret things that I write in such a public forum), and partially because I am using my time differently. Life with an 18 month old is a busy one! And in this day and age, technology is everywhere. Matilda knows what my phone sounds like when I get a text, she knows what it means if it starts ringing, she knows how to slide her finger on the screen to unlock it, and she knows how to scroll thru pictures and press PLAY on videos. Sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's eery, to see how someone so little can do all these things, and realizing its because she is watching it all around her! But, all that to say, I cannot as easily be on the computer with her around, nor do I want to be as much.

But right now, she is fast asleep in her room, and I am taking some moments to myself to write about some thoughts that have been milling around in my head for the last couple of weeks.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of gratefulness - and how quickly gratefulness can be replaced with entitlement, jealousy, pride etc. Two quotes that have been in my head lately have been "remember this - that very little is needed to make a happy life" (aurelis) and "comparison is the thief of joy" (theodore roosevelt). I have been thinking about how happy life can be, how content I am at home with Matilda, playing and learning, reading, drawing etc. and then one conversation with someone else (particularly another mom) can leave me thinking that I want the things that she has, or maybe my parenting isn't as good because my kid wakes up earlier than hers, or she makes it to the gym and I don't, or her kid is saying 30 words etc etc. So quickly the comparison can change a perspective from grateful to jealous. Or how quickly I can leave a conversation on the opposite end, thinking to myself how superior my parenting is because of this or that. And my gratefulness is swapped for a much uglier pride and entitlement.

This was all really put into perspective for me last night. My husband had an early start to work yesterday, as well as a later stop time. He left before Matilda woke up, and normally he gets up with her and they spend the morning together until he has to leave (giving me the luxury of catching a few more zzz's). So my day started earlier than normal. The day was lovely, with different visits from different loved ones. Matilda had a nice long nap and I was productive during those couple of hours. But then the time that I expected Michael to come home, came and went. I couldn't get him on the phone and I started growing impatient. Only later in the evening did I realize that it was more like a spoiled kid, grumbling that they were home alone, when the other person would have loved to be home but was instead working hard and making money! He came home and quickly I felt discouraged by the idea of trying to make something for supper, no ideas, nothing quick to make etc etc. We put Matilda down together and went downstairs to start supper. However, unlike every other night, Matilda decided she didn't want to sleep. She was crying and fussing, and that is just not her style. So I went in to try and help her, but that made it worse when I tried leaving. So, back up I went, thinking "poor me". We gave her some Tylenol to help with the molars that are trying to come through and I sat in the rocking chair. She fussed for a little while, but as I was singing, she very quickly settled and just snuggled in. I moved her into a cradle hold position, and sat there singing to her, songs of Jesus loving her, God making nature, God's power and might. Her eyes were closed and she was in a steady soft breathing pattern that showed her relaxing more every minute. I sat there, and God brought to mind so many things. In the past few weeks I have learned of 2 little boys each passing away (neither who I knew personally, but I did read from both mom's blogs etc) one from a sudden car accident (he was 3), and another from a brain tumor (he was 5). God also brought to mind two different names of women I love who are trying to start families. He reminded me of a conversation I had with another friend who is potentially going to have to move away from close family for work circumstances. I was sitting there, holding my sweet sleeping baby, and was so aware of those who are with empty arms and life was put into perspective. My gratefulness was looking more like entitlement, and with entitlement came the idea that I could complain about mundane things, or feel sorry for myself about things that are not big things at all. I was thinking about the one mom, who would be at home without her little 5 year old - who she sang to every night, and I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that I could be sitting here holding my baby and singing to her.

So I sat there a little longer. Rocked her a little more. Sang her one more song. Said many silent thank you prayers. Whispered I love you. Gave her a kiss and savoured the moment of looking at her, and tried to remind myself not to forget this moment, but to use it to live daily with gratefulness.

Emmanuel

It's Christmas morning and here I sit. Awake in a quiet house. My sweet girl is still fast asleep and I think to myself that this will be one of the - if not the, last times I wake up before heron Christmas morning. This year she is intrigued by the pretty lights, the peppermint and gingerbread cookies, the music we dance and sing to, and the mistletoe that we kiss her daddy goodbye and hello under. She is excited to see all the family and to rip up some tissue paper. 

She has no idea about Santa, or the fact that I have been trying to decide how we will present the "Santa twist"to Christmas. I do hope, however, that already her mind and heart are soaking in the things she hears and sees- the advent readings, the bible stories, the talk and excitement about the real true meaning behind this season. That she will grow up knowing that we give gifts not because they are deserved, not because you spent the year being "nice", and not because some man in red some how squeezed into our home thru the fireplace (which will be a predicament for ol' st. Nick since our new fireplace will be gas and the glass won't open...) But because of the sacrifice, the love, and the grace we received from the best gift of all, thr birth of Jesus. 

We were part of a worship team a couple weeks ago and one of the songs we sang that morning was Emmanuel (Hallowed Manger Ground) by Chris Tomlin. One of the lines stuck out to me during practice and I have continued to let that line move thru my thoughts about Christmas and how we make this time gift of Jesus something we acknowledge and celebrate all year. The line was: The son of God, here born to bleed... Every year I view Christmas and the gift it represents, through the lens of whatever I am currently going thru or whatever stage of life I'm at. This year, celebrating with my daughter who is 13 months old - so much a toddler, yet still so much my baby - this line feels a bit like a punch in the gut. I imagine Mary, given this gift - knowing that her "soul will be pierced" (Luke 2:35), looking down at this baby with such love, and such pain at the same time. And then thinking about God - and how He knew the whole plan, what would happen and the pain that He was knowingly sending Jesus into, as a sacrifice and gift to us - that just makes me more aware of the enormity of this gift. This grace. This love that we did nothing to deserve. How can we not live in thankfulness every day?

So here I sit on this Christmas morning, never alone, and thanking God for this gift - 

Emmanuel, Emmanuel

God incarnate, here to dwell

Emmanuel, Emmanuel

Praise His name Emmanuel

And we beheld this offering

Exalted now the King of kings

Praise God for the hallowed manger ground. 

Matthew 1:21 (Message) Mary’s pregnancy is Spirit-conceived. God’s Holy Spirit has made her pregnant. She will bring a son to birth, and when she does, you, Joseph, will name him Jesus—‘God saves’—because he will save his people from their sins.

eleven months!

I can hardly believe that in less than one month, my little babe will be turning ONE.

It feels like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant (and this week I found my pregnancy test in a box of stuff I had packed when we moved. When I found it Matilda walked up to where I was standing and I looked at her and said, "this is YOU!" Such a happy moment of my life is reflected in that little "stick"  For those of you who think it's gross that I still have that - I will have you know that the part you pee on is all capped off, and I peed into a cup so as not to pee all over the stick - so you can rest assured it is clean. Plus I'm not going to ask you to hold it!)

I'm already planning her party, and she is acting more and more like a toddler every day. The biggest thing being when she learned how to walk this past month. She is no longer a helpless little baby. She is a little toddling sweetheart that loves to make me laugh but will also throw a little feet stomping party when I take away the tampons that she thinks are THE BEST toy around. She has her own little personality, and my dad likes to "joke" that "the woman in her is starting to show up" with her little attitude. Poppa better look out when Matti can fend for herself in the teasing department! :)

It's hard to believe she is getting older, but then you spend an hour or 2 with her, and the amount of talking she does will convince anyone that she is no longer a quiet little newborn. And we are loving every minute of it. There really is nothing sweeter than hearing little feet pitter pattering on the floor and opening my eyes to see her sweet face smiling at me as she stands beside my bed in the morning - ready for a kiss!!

This life really is full of sweetness.

Here is her update!
(Click on the picture to enlarge enough to read the text.)

Double digits!

things are happily busy over here!

So busy that I couldn't sit down to write about my 10 month old until today, when she is now 10 1/2 months old :)

Here is the update on my sweet girl for those of you who follow her on here!!

(click on the photo to enlarge it enough to read)

Life is good, and we are thankful.

and then she was 9..

Months - nine months!!

Today is a beautiful summer day and right now my sweet girl is fast asleep for her afternoon nap.
There are toys everywhere - little signs of where she was playing, walking (assisted walking), eating.
I love these quiet times that I get to myself when she is sleeping, but whenever I get Matilda up from a nap I say to her, "I missed you!!" and it is true! I love my life with my family of 3.

She is pure sweetness. Whenever I go places with her people say to me, "she's so happy!" or "she can't always be this content, is she?" and the answer is YES! She has such a wonderful and sweet disposition. I love every minute with this sweet little critter!

Here is the update on my girl - she turned 9 months last week - time flies!

(click on the image to enlarge it)